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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call this father on his sons behaviour in the playgrounds?

75 replies

Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 12:44

Wondering if I was a bit pfb (despite not DS not being pfb)

DS (3) and I were waiting for the nursery doors to open when DS joined in the kids running around. Noticed another little boy doing karate type, punching moves near other kids. DS goes to him, looks a bit puzzled and did two copycat moves. Not physically touching. Then other kid actually starts making contact with DS so I called out... Hey you two, stop that.

DS turns and runs to me crying. DS is not a crier and only does it if he's actually hurt, so I knew the other kid punched him.

Dad just stood there. Didn't say anything to his kid who'd run off again. DS sobbing on my shoulder, so I said to him, you really need to say something because he's actually hurt DS.

Dad says 'they we fighting, (they weren't) and boys will be boys (wtaf) but called his kid over and nicely told him to say sorry, and be friends, so the kid hugged DS, said sorry and they held hands to go into nursery. Dad was fine about it.

I said thank you to boy and dad.

I know the boy was just playing and didn't mean any harm, and the dad really didn't think it was a big deal so ignored it. So was I being U to call him on it or should I have just ignored it all as there was no real nastiness involved?

OP posts:

witsender · 04/10/2016 14:08

I'm not sure why you posted tbh, you are very sure of yourself. In similar circumstances I would have dealt with my own child (discouraging fighting if that is your wont) and explained that it was a game, that accidents happen and that while I was sure the other boy didn't mean to hurt him, he should have apologies. I wouldn't have 'called' the dad on it, it doesn't sound like his boy was badly behaved or intentionally hurting others. Your phrasing is telling...you didn't approach him.for a conversation about it, you just.told him what he should do. Without acknowledgement that this is not set in stone.

But of course, you were only really asking for approbation...not genuine feedback.

PrimalLass · 04/10/2016 14:14

But of course, you were only really asking for approbation...not genuine feedback.

Original poster

Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 14:20

Mesm. If you had read the thread, someone suggesting it's normal to fight because we are genetically programmed to behave like animals. I was referring to that piece of nonsense. The 'civilising' comment was in response to previous replies, not my own opinion.

I personally don't think it's appropriate for me to tell another persons child off for hurting (intentional or otherwise).

But I also don't think it's right they shouldn't be made aware of the consequences of their actions. That's why I told the dad.

witend I did tell DS it was an accident and he didn't mean it. What would be the point of a 'conversation' with the dad when it was the child who needed to understand he should be a bit more careful. I admit I did tell him what to do because I felt that action was needed and he seemed to think this was ok.

I know it's a different mindset (boys will be boys v play but don't hurt) but the dad was very pleasant and must have agreed in some part because the boys (sort of ) kissed and made up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 14:25

And no. Not approbation but a genuine questioning of whether I handled it properly. Getting feedback from others has clarified my actions and motives.

OP posts:

MesM · 04/10/2016 14:26

I have read the thread - thanks.

All power to you but still sounds like a lot of hyperbole. I also agree with wits and primal.

bumsexatthebingo · 04/10/2016 14:31

The kid should have said sorry but it's not something I'd bother making a fuss over. It was an accident. They were playing. It's the kind of thing that will happen many times at break times and the kids will sort it out between themselves most of the time.
Why start an aibu asking if you are being pfb or overreacting when you are clearly certain you reacted appropriately?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 04/10/2016 14:32

If you had read the thread, someone suggesting it's normal to fight because we are genetically programmed to behave like animals. I was referring to that piece of nonsense

Don't mind me and my fucking nonsense. Jeez.

Perhaps we are not animals? That makes more sense, yes. Let's go with that.

bumsexatthebingo · 04/10/2016 14:38

And I'm happy for my kids (girls and boys) to play rough and tumble games and occasionally someone gets accidentally hurt. If all parties are happy to be involved in the game then that is a risk they take imo. The other boy not saying sorry is merely an issue of manners. There would have to be something a lot more serious happen for me to go and tell another parent how they should handle their child.

Imchangingmyname · 04/10/2016 14:45

Boys play fight either because they atre encouraged to see this as normal, or because it is the only way they can get physical affection.

Utter rubbish.

My DS (4) was my first born, consistently told that hitting is wrong. Still play fights, lots of his peers do too. Especially in a group, which I've always thought interesting as it's as though they are establishing a pecking order.

He is also affectionate and loves his cuddles with his close family and friends.

Boys are more physical, I've seen many examples of it, with children of all age groups. I'm not advocating that they are allowed to beat the shit out of each other but let's not ignore basic biology because of a need to be PC.

AmeliaJack · 04/10/2016 14:46

Brasty

"Boys play fight either because they atre encouraged to see this as normal, or because it is the only way they can get physical affection"

Bollocks.

My DS is incredibly physically affectionate, hold hands, cuddles, sits on knees, lots of kisses - he is in no way starved for physical affection.

Play fighting has never been encouraged in our home, quite the reverse.

Never the less when he turned 3yo it was like a switch had been flipped and his play suddenly turned very rough and tumble.

His twin sister just didn't have the same level of rough and tumble play instinct. I make no correlation between male and female behaviour this is just observation of my children. DD is just a less physical child all round.

Olympia if you allow your child to play fight then at some point he will hurt someone and he will get hurt himself.

myownprivateidaho · 04/10/2016 14:52

It sounds like you're massively over-analysing this incident tbh. I don't think it would have been a big deal if you'd left it, but it also wasn't a big deal that you said something. You got the outcome you wanted and you say yourself that there was no nastiness involved - what's the problem?

missyB1 · 04/10/2016 14:56

You did the right thing. If my child had hurt another whether intentionally or not I would want to know, and he would be made to say sorry.

I also cannot stand this "boys will be boys" crap! I have three boys and they will all be individual human beings if that's OK?!

We don't do playfighting in our house, because personally I think it sends out mixed messages.

AGenie · 04/10/2016 14:59

Our school always tell us to stop playfighting or actual fighting as it does tend to lead to injury. Although our previous headmaster was quite keen on rough and tumble. I think he had quite enjoyed it himself as a lad, so I do wonder if in general men are more keen on it than women. I know my son always asks me to stop fights even if he looks as though he's enjoying them. He says in practice it's very hard to stop a fight when you are in it, except by winning.

Gottagetmoving · 04/10/2016 15:01

Of course the other boy should be made aware that he hurt your DS - and yes, he should apologise, and he did.
The other child's Dad should have said something without you having to prompt him, but once you did he made his son apologise.
I don't know what else you want really.
It was a tiny incident which you dealt with in a reasonable way.
Your son will have learned something - The other kid will have learned something and so will his Dad probably.
That is life. It's all good.

Gottagetmoving · 04/10/2016 15:03

We don't do playfighting in our house, because personally I think it sends out mixed messages

It also teaches a child lots of things about interacting with other children. It is a normal part of development and as parents we are there to make sure it does not get out of hand and teach boundaries of safety etc.
Banning play fighting is a waste of time.

missyB1 · 04/10/2016 15:09

Gottaget my kids developed just fine without playfighting thanks, it's a total myth that boys need to do this for some kind of social development. My 26 and 21 year olds are perfectly well socially adjusted and always were, and my 7 year old is one of the most popular boys at school. None of themg has ever been into playfighting.

Gottagetmoving · 04/10/2016 15:19

None of themg has ever been into playfighting

What? Never when you were not there? They never joined in with other kids play fighting? It may not ruin their lives not to, but children re enact things and use their imaginations. There are lots of benefits

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/growing-friendships/201506/do-boys-need-rough-and-tumble-play

psychcentral.com/lib/6-benefits-of-roughhousing-for-kids/

Original poster

Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 15:32

I'm sure there is a genetic element to some children's desire to playfight, but they are individuals and it certainly isn't necessary to develop normally

Humans and in fact primates also have an instinctive recognition of 'fairness'.

For DS to have had no acknowledgement from the other child and me from the dad that hurting was wrong would have been unfair and sent out the wrong message to both kids.

Google 'you tube capuchin monkeys, cucumber and grapes' to understand that fairness is as strong an instinct as rough and tumble play is for some children.

OP posts:

witsender · 04/10/2016 16:06

Why did you post? You are hugely certain that you are right!

Rough and tumble and fairness are not exclusive concepts.

missyB1 · 04/10/2016 16:25

Gottaget my kids were very into imaginative play, my 7 year old is brilliant at it! But games don't need to involve aggression or wrestling people to the ground do they? My 7 year old walks away when other kids start all that business he's just not interested. It hasn't stopped him having loads of friends.

TroubledTrouble · 04/10/2016 16:50

You saw that your son was getting involved and did nothing. If they will play fight, it's likely somebody is going to get hurt. I think it's a bit silly to expect the other kid to get told off when they were both involved in play fighting.

bumsexatthebingo · 04/10/2016 17:32

I think you should have explained to your child that if he joins in with that kind of play he (or the other person) may well get hurt. I'm sure it would have gone down swimmingly if the dad had insisted you tell your child that!

Gottagetmoving · 04/10/2016 17:54

Gottaget my kids were very into imaginative play, my 7 year old is brilliant at it! But games don't need to involve aggression or wrestling people to the ground do they

No, they don't need to involve wrestling....but play fighting is not aggressive. The children are usually laughing and squealing. Obviously at times someone will get hurt but they get over it.
Not all children want to play fight so won't join in but I don't think it's right to stop them if they do want to do it anymore than it would be right to make them play it.
I think sometimes mothers are over protective and I think that is more damaging than play fighting.

Londonista · 04/10/2016 18:18

I have some sympathies OP, my eldest son was a gentle soul and "boy-play" was a bit of a shock to us all. I've asked myself many times whether I should have taken something further but in your case the dad has acknowledged in his own cack-handed way that his son's behaviour wasn't ideal, so I'd let it lie. I'm only saying what I'd do. I really have to sit on my hands a lot with my boys, I have helicopter mum tendencies, esp when it comes to eldest who is Aug born and a bit of a late bloomer socially. Some lessons in life cannot be taught - perils of play fighting is perhaps one!

UterusUterusGhali · 04/10/2016 19:49

If children are playfighting, and get hurt, thems the breaks, unless someone is getting too ott.

Absolutely agree with PPs that it's important for development, and learning not to go too far. Not all children like it, (2/3 of mine are non fighty), but it's not "wrong" if they do either. (As long as they have the right playmates)

It doesn't sound like the other child was being malicious. Meh.

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