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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call this father on his sons behaviour in the playgrounds?

75 replies

Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 12:44

Wondering if I was a bit pfb (despite not DS not being pfb)

DS (3) and I were waiting for the nursery doors to open when DS joined in the kids running around. Noticed another little boy doing karate type, punching moves near other kids. DS goes to him, looks a bit puzzled and did two copycat moves. Not physically touching. Then other kid actually starts making contact with DS so I called out... Hey you two, stop that.

DS turns and runs to me crying. DS is not a crier and only does it if he's actually hurt, so I knew the other kid punched him.

Dad just stood there. Didn't say anything to his kid who'd run off again. DS sobbing on my shoulder, so I said to him, you really need to say something because he's actually hurt DS.

Dad says 'they we fighting, (they weren't) and boys will be boys (wtaf) but called his kid over and nicely told him to say sorry, and be friends, so the kid hugged DS, said sorry and they held hands to go into nursery. Dad was fine about it.

I said thank you to boy and dad.

I know the boy was just playing and didn't mean any harm, and the dad really didn't think it was a big deal so ignored it. So was I being U to call him on it or should I have just ignored it all as there was no real nastiness involved?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 04/10/2016 13:27

Boys play fight either because they atre encouraged to see this as normal, or because it is the only way they can get physical affection.

And because it's fun? Not just boys, either.

Hellochicken · 04/10/2016 13:28

I am kind of neutral too!

All the people who say boys (ie children) don't do this unless encouraged, prob don't come from large families.

My pfb would never have headlocked a child, he would cry with other children that fell over etc (ok so part of it may be his kind nature)

But my 3rd child (who I don't think is uncaring) is used to bit of "wrestling" and although he wouldnt do as the boy in your scenario did he might have pushed him away if he was kicked or punched (whereas my pfb would probably have stood there or moved away quietly - now he is older he would "tell" and divert someone doing that - still probably not push them back/away - unless it was one of his siblings)

I don't encourage fighting when angry but am ok with play wrestling.

JoandMax · 04/10/2016 13:30

I think you did the right thing, and you'll encounter plenty more of this as your DS gets older.

There are a lot of people who think 'boys will be boys' so ignore fighting and pass it off as playing and normal...... Fighting never has and never will be allowed in our house, my DS's are 6 and 8 and it hasn't done them any harm in making friends or integrating at all

nancyblackett80 · 04/10/2016 13:30

YANBU. Boys play fight either because they atre encouraged to see this as normal, or because it is the only way they can get physical affection.

That's a bit of a stretch really. I know plenty of boys who play fight quite nicely and with a lot of fun. Generally if they all play to the same level and the bigger ones not too rough then its fun rough and tumble, including the girls!!

Obviously there's exceptions to the rule

Hellochicken · 04/10/2016 13:32

What i was trying to say was my pfb had noone to wrestle but now he has. My younger children are used to physical contact with siblings, and would be ok with some karate chopping /as long as not intended to hurt or done by an angry child.

Original poster
Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 13:33

So instead of saying, let's start the civilising process at a young age and ask parents to point out to their child that their actions (however unintentional) have caused harm, we should just let kids tear the younger/smaller ones to pieces because of their genetic conditioning

Biscuit
OP posts:
PrimalLass · 04/10/2016 13:34

Honestly? I think you need to reign in the telling other parents how to parent.

I knew people like this. It is only now, 2 years after they moved away, that everyone is admitting they were at the end of the disapproval at some point. The parents had agreed to 'always believe their children', which resulted in many phone calls and doorstep conversations about how the little darlings were offended in one way or another.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 04/10/2016 13:35

Thanks for this biscuit.

No, of course you don't leave them to it. I'd be over there like a shot to deal with it.

But I don't think psychoanalysing the motives of a 3 yo is helpful when it comes to understanding why they do it.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 04/10/2016 13:38

If you're so sure you did the right thing, why did you start this thread? Just carry on as you were.

Original poster
Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 13:39

I haven't got a problem with play fighting or play wrestling and it's going to happen I know. It was just hurting another child and not being pulled up for it that made me speak out. Mostly I just ignore aggression from other children if it occurs as I know it's normal provided the other child isn't hurt. If DS was being a bit forceful I'd stop him too.

I must say I would be mortified if it had been DS that made another child cry Shock

OP posts:
supermoon100 · 04/10/2016 13:41

One day it may be another parent calling you out for something your child has done. See how you feel then.

shovetheholly · 04/10/2016 13:41

It sounds like you handled it really well, that the situation was resolved and everyone went away content.

I hate the "boys will be boys" line. Kids do all kinds of crazy things unless they are told otherwise.

Original poster
Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 13:42

primal this is the first time in 8 years of parenting I have EVER said anything to another parent.

(Apart from sorry if a DC has been naughty)

OP posts:
KondosSecretJunkRoom · 04/10/2016 13:45

Agreed. 'Boys will be boys' to describe the normal but unpleasant behaviour of both boys and girls is as bad as 'girls will be girls' to describe the unpleasant bitching that both boys and girls partake in as teenagers.

BarbarianMum · 04/10/2016 13:45

Really? When those 2 kids cornered and were kicking your kid you said nothing to their parents? You are a better person than me then.

bumsexatthebingo · 04/10/2016 13:47

YABU. I would've just said to my ds that it's probably not a good idea to play that game. It doesn't sound like the other child was trying to be mean. Complete overreaction imo.

Original poster
Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 13:49

barbarian I didn't say anything as the poor mum came over clearly mortified and told the kids off. I would have done otherwise. Poor DS was tucked away in a corner of soft play and it was his crying I recognised Sad

OP posts:
NeverEverAnythingEver · 04/10/2016 13:53

I think YANBU.

"Boys will be boys". Hate hate hate hate this.

Original poster
Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 13:54

bums. So it doesn't matter that a younger child is hurt? Only the intention? What I wonder does that teach the child who is hurt? That it's ok for someone else to cause you pain and they can do so with impunity?

There are two lessons I can teach and one it someone can hurt you and it's fine. Suck it up
Or
If someone hurts you, intentionally or otherwise, they will have to recognise hurting you is wrong and say sorry.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 04/10/2016 13:55

Thanks for explaining. A mother coming over, intervening and apologizing must be a soft play first, that's probably why it didn't occur to me Blush. IME you had to track them down taking your bleeding, screaming offspring with you I hated soft play can you tell.

Original poster
Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 14:00

Barb. Yes, we have been to soft play and seen that scenario! I think that's why I hover over DS and make sure I'm not THAT parent Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Olympiathequeen · 04/10/2016 14:01

Soft play is not called the seventh circle of hell for nothing!

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 04/10/2016 14:06

So girls don't play fight? Or it isn't 'normal' for girls to play fight? Even though female animals do in the wild? (if we are going to go down that road of 'we're all animals therefore its natural innit')

MesM · 04/10/2016 14:07

Torn to pieces? Younger and smaller? Unless you've omitted a lot in your earlier posts that doesn't seem to describe what happened.

I have boy - still a toddler so a bit different - and I've not blinked in telling another child off if playing roughly or intending to hurt another child (e.g. hair pulling and sand throwing in the playground last week).

However I think that's very different from what you describe which sounds like they were both playing innocently and had an accident. I think I'd have told them both to be careful if I thought the game was inappropriate. I'd obviously comfort my child if they were hurt, but also use that to explain to both children why it's not the best game as neither was trying to hurt each other. Very different if the other boy had been malicious (although obviously v young still).

I think you are being unreasonable if you are suggesting the little boy needed "civilising." Sound like nice behaviour from them both after the dad spoke to the son.

scallopsrgreat · 04/10/2016 14:07

Oh blimey - about a 1000 posts between mine and the one I was immediately replying to. (got interrupted).

YANBU OP. Well handled.