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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider separate bed/rooms?

75 replies

Ladybunnyfluff · 04/10/2016 12:16

Currently (day) dreaming of a night without loud raucous snoring from 'D'H.

A night without fighting for the duvet, without being woken by him going to work. Without him farting and scratching, and sweating, and did I mention the snoring?

In the interest of non drippage of the feed; he won't seek help for his snoring, despite him having now heard a recording of the offending emissions. He sleeps through it all. He finds it funny.

I am 6 months pregnant, and apparently the only one who hears and attends to DD1. I need sleep. We have a spare room, and it's looking more tempting every night.

AIBU? Would you? Have you?

A new duvet is cheaper than divorce.

OP posts:
anyusernamewilldo · 04/10/2016 14:18

YABU to only consider it, YANBU to do it, we have had separate bedrooms for around 5 years (together 25) it is bliss and I do not know why we did not do it sooner, we each disturbed the other in some way, very different sleep patterns for a start, but neither of us ever got a good nights sleep, not so now, I love my own bed.
For some reason we do tend to keep it to ourselves we sleep separately.

Lazyafternoon · 04/10/2016 14:40

Oh I have! YANBU! My DH snoring is terrible. Worse if he drinks or has a cold. He also won't use snoring remedies without lots of nagging.

On an average day, as long as I get to sleep first (which after 11years together he has finally grasped is the only way I get to sleep!) and wear the one particular brand of earplugs I can get a reasonable nights sleep. So we do normally share a bed.

BUT... if has been out drinking or has a cold he sleeps in the spare room. Also when I was pregnant and found sleeping more difficult DH frequently got banished to the spare room. The more tired I get the more grumpy I get and the more I find him annoying. So it works well for us.

I would love him to see a Dr about getting his snoring sorted, but I know the only way to do would really be me making all the enquires and booking for him. I would like to think that if it got really bad and I was really struggling he would at least see a Dr if he realised how much it meant to me.

Alwayschanging1 · 04/10/2016 14:45

We have slept in separate rooms since I was ill over a period of 2 years because I did not get more than 45 consecutive minutes of sleep any night due to the snoring. Our marriage is much happier place now I am not ill and exhausted every day. Neither of us like sleeping apart, but it's the only solution.
I know lots of friends who are the same - but I think it is a bit of a taboo subject because it implies you are not happily married.

Magicpaintbrush · 04/10/2016 15:10

I always start off in our own bed (ever hopeful) and always end up moving to the spare room in the middle of the night to escape DH's snoring/clicking/farting extravaganza. It's all so romantic Grin

Original poster
Ladybunnyfluff · 04/10/2016 16:35

Magicpaintbrush, I'm rather impressed by your perseverance!

OP posts:
vvviola · 04/10/2016 16:41

We currently don't have a spare room, but when we did the snorer (used to be DH after a few beers, is now increasingly me for some reason) moved to the spare room. DH also used to move when he was sick or when I was heavily pregnant and needed him to prop me up on multiple pillows in the very centre of the bed before backing away and leaving me alone

S1lentAllTheseYears · 04/10/2016 17:01

We don't have a spare room but, as soon as the first dc moves out permanently, we will do!

I am hoping to keep the main bedroom and ensuite for myself but that could be trickier to arrange as dh is happy with the current arrangement!

He doesn't snore (if he did, I'd have rearranged downstairs so someone could sleep there) but we have opposite body clocks. I can't imagine he enjoys creeping out in the dark in the mornings anymore than I enjoy creeping in in the dark at midnight - and I want to have the light on and read. I also want to decorate to my taste and not have any of his shite lying around.

If we had a spare room, I would have moved in years ago. Is yours nice? Can you make it your own? Both my parents and in-laws have had separate rooms for year but, in both cases, it's the woman who sleeps in the "spare" and moves out for guests in a keeping up appearances sort of way - that is not happening here!

SapphireStrange · 04/10/2016 17:07

I'm more concerned about this than anything else:

I am 6 months pregnant, and apparently the only one who hears and attends to DD1.

Why doesn't he get up to deal with HIS daughter to give his pregnant wife a bit of a break?

Original poster
Ladybunnyfluff · 04/10/2016 17:29

S1lent - it's actually as big as our room it's just full of junk stored household goods. But it shall be mine, all mine.

Honestly Sapphire? It's because by the time he complains of being tired, wakes me up sighing and bumbling around the room and then ends up grunting but not really comforting DD1 I'd rather get up myself.

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/10/2016 17:30

Yes, yes and yes whatever the questions were!

We only share a bed on holidays and very occasionally at home for whatever reason Grin and my life is transformed. Sometimes you just can't get help for snoring because it isnt a medical issue that can be fixed, it's just borderline normal irritating snoring that wakes a light sleeper (me)

How do I manage on holiday you may ask. Wine Wine and more Wine
Grin

I know a couple who really really don't sleep well together, yet he has said to her that it's a sign that a marriage is failing if a couple don't share a bed so she soldiers on. He's a controlling arse TBH. Bollocks to that. Sleep is important and I'm damned if I'll suffer lack of sleep whilst I'm hearing the equivalent of the 2.34 train coming into Paddington!

I wish we'd done it sooner to be honest

SapphireStrange · 04/10/2016 17:34

OP, OK, but I still feel Angry that you're the one who has to do it all. Sounds like he does it badly on purpose to get out of having to do it...

ScaredAboutTheFuture · 04/10/2016 17:40

We sleep apart. I actually hate sharing the room with anyone and will always pay a single supplement to have my own room when I go away with friends.

My Dh used to snore but he has lost weight and is the fittest he has ever been but I also have bad sleep habits and am awake for a couple of hours during the night and so would disturb him.

It is still classed as the spare room and we take it in turns to sleep in there depending on what we each have planned the next day.

nokidshere · 04/10/2016 17:54

Go for it! We have been together 38 years and have slept apart for 10 years and it was the best thing we ever did. We are just not sleep compatible at all. He likes 8 hours, dark, warm, wrapped in blankets/duvets. I like windows open all year round, blinds half open, fan going, light cover that can be kicked off and sleep for about 4-5 hours.

SparklesandBangs · 04/10/2016 18:02

I always thought we were in the minority sleeping apart, I feel much better now that everyone else has shared.

I have always hated sharing a bed/room, I like to be able to have the TV on and choose when I go to sleep. I can't regulate my own temperature and it's 10x worse with someone else in the bed. I also like to wake up to sunlight whereas DH wants pitch black.

He sleeps elsewhere, I am the snorer and get the master beadroom.

beela · 04/10/2016 18:02

Most sleep for the most people. Do whatever works for you.

Original poster
Ladybunnyfluff · 04/10/2016 18:33

I'm not terribly happy about it either Sapphire, this thread has actually made me realise the sleeping arrangements are probably pretty low down on my list of marital issues however they are probably the easiest solved!

OP posts:
BusyBeez99 · 04/10/2016 19:01

We sleep apart too. Have for about 16 of our 18 years together. He has to sleep with curtains open and windows open. I sleep with the opposite and a 13 tog duvet all year round. Oh and apparently I snore. He goes to bed early. I am a night owl

We would have divorced years ago if we hadn't decided to do this.

We have our bedroom still with both our stuff in which I sleep in on king size bed. He has the small spare room with single bed. It works brilliantly and doesnt affect marital relations at all

Beardsareweird · 04/10/2016 19:15

I haven't shared a bed with my DH for at least 5 years. I would never go back to sharing now. We even book a twin room when going away.

peppersaunt · 04/10/2016 19:18

I'm a nighttime reader living with a Snore Monster! Separate bedrooms, while a little sad for us, has worked for over 10 years. I don't miss those 4 a.m. snorts as well...

snakesalive · 04/10/2016 19:18

I would if we had a spare room

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 04/10/2016 19:21

Mine not only snores and farts, he rolls onto his back and puts his arm up so his hand is under his head, so I suddenly find an armpit right in front of my face if I happen to be lying on that side.

rumpelstiltskin43 · 04/10/2016 19:49

So funny, there's so many people have separate rooms and don't talk about it.

When we went to stay with my sister last year, she sheepishly showed us a bedroom she'd done in her house and called it her sanctuary. She was gobsmacked when we told her we'd had separate rooms for fifteen years

pointythings · 04/10/2016 20:06

DH and I have slept apart for about a year, since he developed a killer cold and the snoring was unbearable. It was bad before then, TBH - he is overweight and drinks too much. Is otherwise a really lovely guy. Sleeping apart has saved us. It's bliss.

PlymouthMaid1 · 04/10/2016 20:19

Had separate bedrooms for years and we both sleep much better. Lack of sleep is torture.

Original poster
Ladybunnyfluff · 05/10/2016 07:40

Well let's just say discussion with husband did not go well.

Apparently none of his behaviour is actually his fault, I should love him for his snoring and farting and I'm just trying to break up the relationship. He does love being the victim.

This morning he 'accidentally' set his phone alarm to go off an hour before usual alarm, yippee two alarms, lots of scratching, sighing, farting and snoring.

OP posts:
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