To deeply resent potential career setback?

[user1475520494]

First time user, though occasional lurker on this forum. I am here for your wisdom and insight. Please feel free to be very honest with me- I feel that I have lost all perspective and could do with some of yours!

Hubby and I are both surgeons (different specialties). We live and work in the US (originally from a different continent). We are parents to two beautiful children. Most of our immediate families are now in the US, so this is now home. We took a long, difficult path to get where we are now, spending the better part of the past 2 decades undertaking fairly grueling surgical training. Now, we are wrapping up training and getting ready to take up real jobs-already in very, very late 30’s. Here comes the dilemma.

I have a job offer from my current training program. This is a world-renowned program and a lot of what is being practiced here aligns very well with my desired career trajectory. The Department Chair is passionate about mentoring new faculty, there is ample time to pursue academic interests, a very strong workforce of top-notch faculty and trainees from across the world (besides, this is a beautiful city, with the right mix of the city vibe and easy access to breathtaking scenery).

The downside is that they are currently not looking to hire someone in my husband’s specialty; he works in a very niche field and the kind of jobs that would suit his skillset are few and far-between. He has however found another job he thinks he will love-except it is on the other side of the country (think 8 hour flight from where we are currently, counting in airport layovers and such). My husband’s field is undergoing rapid expansion at this center and they are quite keen to hire him, so much so, that they have extended me a job offer too.

I have very little doubt this will be a wonderful opportunity for my husband. Within my field at this academic center, however, the staffing is threadbare, the section chief is not known to be an avid mentor of new hires and my on-call duties will be overwhelming until the staffing situation improves. I am also not excited to move to this much smaller place after having lived in a lovely, thriving urban environment. Since funding is an issue for them currently, I am also being offered a much smaller salary than would be expected for my skillset.

In short, I am very confused. We both agree that staying geographically so far apart will be unsustainable over the long term. I still resent my current situation- I have slogged very hard to get this far (admittedly, so has he), and it now seems hard to not take this job which seems tailor-made for me and to travel across the continent for a job situation I feel zero excitement for. We have some restrictions imposed by our visas too- which means that whichever job we go for, we will be deadlocked in for the next few years. As it is, our long years spent in training have been less than ideal for our children; we have relied a lot on outside help for their upbringing. It makes sense to now shift our focus to them and stop cribbing about our own career-related frustrations- I know this and feel guilty about feeling the way I do. Please drill some sense into me.

I think the children and your career should be kept in the forefront. It's a fact that if you compromise now, it will impact you more than if he were to make that sacrifice. Cynically, I also think that he'll probably out-earn you in a few years even if he does take a salary drop now.

I hope you come to a conclusion OP and in yours and your kids favour. Sounds like the only winner if you go will be your husband.

If your DH did the long commute for a couple of years would he be well enough established in his specialism that he would be able to find a role nearer to home more easily or would he become the sort of specialist that people would come and find wherever they were based?

I'd personally put the DCs first. As much as you are setting a great example of working hard, committing to goals, being driven etc you are also not putting your own family at the heart of your focus. In 9 years time your littlest will be driving in the US and no longer be interested in mum and dad (I'm exaggerating) but they will be grown up before long.
If that fits with your career offer better then so be it.

I agree with minipie. This isn't you vs your husband its your husband vs you and the kids.

That you Meredith?

Two surgeons - who is more ambitious?

I agree with so many already - do what's good for the majority of the family. Your children will have put up with so much already, put their needs into the mix now. Besides you have already proven yourself where you work, but if you move you will have to start all over again. You've got where you need to be, so stop making it hard for yourself.
Can your husband not find some research project/senior lecturer post if his 'ideal' job hasn't surfaced close to yours? Can he stay treading water where he is?

Tough choices. Not everyone will be an immediate winner. Tough love. Show some surgical balls! (I mean that nicely.)

Some great responses here and lots of food for thought! Some of you wondered why hubby picked the specialty he did given the difficulty of ultimately landing a job. When he was signing up for this, we did give it a long hard thought as a family (undeniably, the ease of immigration was a driving factor too). At that point, there was a reasonable chance that he might just have ended up staying here, but the hiring situation changed in the interim. In fact, he continued here as a researcher an additional year in the hope that ultimately something might open up. It did not.

Now, we do need to make a decision (again, he cannot be a researcher indefinitely because of how this will play out on the immigration front). Also, he was basically headhunted for this new position (his current supervisor knew the Chair on other side). Long story, but relevant to the discussion.

Someone mentioned NYC/LA in flight time (that's exactly the kind of distance I am referring to)- it is closer to 5 1/2 hours. Add another short flight/ drive to the town where he might end up and it totals up to almost 8 hours, give or take. Once we sign our contracts, jumping jobs will be hard in that our immigration clock will be reset each time we move. His niche specialism might help sort our visas much faster than through the general priority route, no guarantees though. Lots of considerations here.

Really appreciate everyone's responses. This is the first time I have even thrown a question out on the internet and I am amazed at the depth of understanding so many of you have demonstrated.

How long do you have to decide? Which way is your husband leaning? I hope it works out either way (and that you let us know when you've figured it out!).

Zazie I had the same thought exactly.
Was your husband head hunted for the job by someone very senior in government?
Have you had an unusual amount of near death experiences in the past few years?

As someone who came to the US on visas, where DH was 100% tied to his job, I cannot emphasize enough how much having green cards changed our lives for the better. I would really, really, stress that applying for green cards will make a huge difference.

We arrived in 2008, right after the big crash, and our nearest immigration center was Detroit. We must have been the only people moving into MI at that time - our green cards were applied for in a way that normally takes 6 months to 2 years, but they came through in less than 6 weeks. When we went for finger printing, we were the only people there, in a room designed to process hundreds of people at a time. Depending where you are when you apply, if it's still an area with low immigration, you could well find that getting a green card is far quicker than you imagine.