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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to borrow the money for a holiday?

55 replies

OlivesOnPizza · 03/10/2016 18:31

Despite my years on MN this is the first AIBU I have started hard hat is firmly in place

I'll be as brief as I can.

I was made redundant in June. With my payout I paid off my debts except the mortgage I didn't have many, took some time off to spend the summer with DCs and put a good sum of money in the bank as savings.

Now I have a written job offer, I start next month. Aside from the Christmas break I won't be able to take any holiday time off until spring at the earliest, I know this and I'm fine with it. Their Christmas break will give me 10 days off anyway.

I met my boyfriend 6 months ago, we didn't go away together over the summer because it was early days in our relationship and we both wanted to spend time and go on holiday with our own children.

My boyfriend says he would like the two of us to go on holiday together, somewhere hot, before I start my new job as we won't be able to get away together for months after that.

The holiday is a great idea but I have been living frugally post-redundancy as I didn't know when my next job would happen and I want to avoid dipping into the capital I have for luxuries, I think of it as emergency money.

My boyfriend has said he will lend me the money for the holiday, I know this is generous but it has been a huge relief to be debt-free and I don't want to get into debt to him or anyone else, especially as I won't receive my first wages from the new job until the end of November so that will be earmarked for Christmas.

For his part, my boyfriend knows all of this and is easy about me paying back the money in instalments or as a lump sum whenever I have it. He just wants to go on holiday with me while we have the chance.

My judgement is possibly impaired by my EA ex H we split 10 years ago who would have used any loan, even though we were married, as a weapon against me.

AIBU to not want to borrow the money?
WWYD?

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 03/10/2016 20:14

go on holiday, I love a trip away, get some sunshine, eat nice food, see some sights. £700 isn't a vast amount to spend. Put £50 back a month, will only take a year or so.

Original poster
OlivesOnPizza · 03/10/2016 20:15

To be clear XiCi I haven't asked to borrow the money.
The holiday wasn't my idea, it was his.
When I said 'I don't want to spend the money' his response was 'I can lend it to you'.

One of my thoughts is that I could and probably should be spending the money on a holiday with my DCs.

OP posts:
jay55 · 03/10/2016 20:17

I don't think you'd enjoy it whether you borrow from him or yourself. You're enjoying the security and being debt free. You're happy to be a saver after years of being in debt or just getting by.

You'll enjoy a holiday next year so much more feeling you earned it.

SparklesandBangs · 03/10/2016 20:27

I partially understand where you are coming from OP, I went through 3 jobs this Spring and had gaps between them, so my wage was not regular and although I was very fortunate that I had savings (and a DH) it meant that everything got mixed up and where I had easily been managing month to month, I ended up dipping into my savings. 6 wage slips later I am almost back on track.

You don't mention how old your DC are, but you did say that you had been away with them in the Summer, so if leaving them is easy and they won't kick up a fuss I'd be inclined to spend the £700 on the holiday, using your money and put it back from your salary from January onwards at a fixed amount that is comfortable. You will have 2 weeks with your DC over Christmas.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 03/10/2016 20:37

You will have forgotten about the £700 in a year's time - you really will - but I'd hazard a guess that you'll not have forgotten the holiday in a year's time or even 20/ 30/ 40 yrs time.

FleurThomas · 03/10/2016 20:54

YANBU. I don't borrow money for a holiday ever. It means I can only have 1 holiday every year, but it works for me.

NapQueen · 03/10/2016 21:09

If you cant spend 10% of your savings on a treat for yourself then whats the point?

AyeAmarok · 03/10/2016 21:43

I'm also of the possibly overly cautious school of thought but I also think you should go on the holiday Smile

Redundancy is stressful and you've done well to get another job pretty quickly, so treat yourself.

dalmatianmad · 03/10/2016 21:47

Go on holiday! Sounds like you've had a rough few months and deserve the break..
Life is for living, it's alright having money in the bank but you might get hit by a bus and you can't take it with you!
Enjoy!!

edwinbear · 03/10/2016 21:56

OP I'm where you were in June, (made redundant at the start of September), so I know exactly how scary it is not knowing when there will be another wage coming in and how long the redundancy will need to last.

This maybe clouds my judgement somewhat, but am I correct in thinking you don't qualify for redundancy until you have been there 2 years? So if you were to be made redundant again there may not be a pay out, and if there was, it would be smaller than the one you have just had until you have built up some length of service. On that basis I don't think I'd choose to spend 10% of my savings on a holiday.

Lorelei76 · 03/10/2016 22:04

OP no way would I borrow the money
You have DCs and some savings fir a rainy day - those are fucking guaranteed.
You can relax without going away. Don't let him push you into this. You don't want to spend the money however it comes, that's good.
Sorry to say I've lost count of the people I've known who have t been careful with money and ended up up shit creek!
Hope the new job is fab Flowers

LookingOldBeforMyTime · 03/10/2016 22:15

"He just wants to go on holiday with me while we have the chance.".....

"The holiday wasn't my idea, it was his.
When I said 'I don't want to spend the money' his response was 'I can lend it to you'. "

But you will still be spending money you don't want to.

Why doesn't he pay for the holiday that he wants to spend with you?....If he invites you to the cinema because he wants to spend time watching a film with you, do you have to pay for yourself?

itlypocerka · 03/10/2016 22:17

Given that this would be only 10% of your savings I would consider it perfectly reasonable to spend the money and put it back over the next 5-10 months. You don't have to get into debt.

amicissimma · 03/10/2016 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shinyshoes2 · 03/10/2016 22:23

If it were me I wouldn't and I wouldn't feel pressured too either
Is it only £700.00 ? Spending money as well , the odd meal out it self catering , an excursion and you're looking probably nearer £1000.00
I wouldn't to be honest if wait until next spring when you get time off

Bedsheets4knickers · 03/10/2016 22:40

I think you should go and have a bloody good time x

Original poster
OlivesOnPizza · 04/10/2016 09:06

Again, thank you for your replies.

In previous years decades I would have gone on the holiday and hang the expense. Trouble is, that's how I've wound up in middle age with a hefty mortgage.

edwin I'm sorry and I hope you're alright, redundancy is crap on a stick but it will be alright in the end.

You make some interesting points amicissi, I read your post just as I was going to sleep last night and it did make me think.
You are right when you say once you owe him money something in the dynamic will change that's how I've been feeling from the outset.

It's worth saying that he isn't pissed off that I don't want to pay for a holiday, he's seen it and understands it all the way round. We talked on the phone some more last night and he's coming round tonight when we will talk again.

I'll be honest and I don't feel very noble about this but I was irritated that he wanted a holiday and with full knowledge of my circumstances didn't offer to pay at least part of it. I paid for us to go on a couple of outings during the summer as they were my idea but he's financially comfortable and I think he's forgotten what it's like when you aren't. One of the reasons he's so keen on a holiday is that he was under threat of redundancy too, this has been resolved now and he's keeping his job. So he is in a celebratory mood and feels able to spend the money while I don't. That said, I resolutely don't want him to feel bad about the situation, I think he is being inconsiderate rather than mean and during our telephone conversation last night he did offer to pay for me. That's one of the things we will discuss tonight but yes amicissi he could easily afford to pay for us both and that does rankle a bit, I suppose but as I say we are going to talk about it tonight.

This may be a dripfeed again but as my OP was turning into an epic I didn't want to make it too long so I'll bullet point some further considerations.

  • The new job pays considerably less than the old job, this is my choice and that's another thread but I am being cautious about money as a result.
  • Although they aren't urgent if I was going to spend £700, holidays notwithstanding I would spend it on a new fridge freezer, mine is on it's way out and a new wardrobe because mine is held together with pins and hope.
  • One of my DCs was suddenly, gravely ill right at the beginning of this year. Happily DC is fine now but the cost of petrol, hospital parking, buying food, coffee etc, etc, ate through a good few hundred quid in a few weeks. It gave me a small insight into the financial cost of personal disaster and how precarious things would be if we found ourselves in a similar or even worse position in the future.
OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 04/10/2016 12:27

Olives "Trouble is, that's how I've wound up in middle age with a hefty mortgage. "

this and the DC being ill and associated costs you listed is why you shouldn't go, it doesn't sound right for you at all. Your headspace sounds like mine - I know some people think it's boring but it's really important to me to have money for what is important to me and that's not holidays.

you mention having paid for some summer outings. I think in the circumstances it would be totally fair to say you are saving hard and don't want to do any outings for a while.

I've spent a lot of money on account of parents in hospital, it really mounts up. The thing is there are so many ways to enjoy life that don't cost any money!

you say he's coming round to talk about it but I think you need to just say no or it could easily become the thin end of the wedge. I used to have this problem with some friends - spend money on one theatre trip and it's like you've set an example instead of that being just one trip in 6 months.

Babyroobs · 04/10/2016 12:32

I'd put it on a credit card and pay back at £100 a month or transfer to a 0% one. Like others have said life is too short not to have little treats.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/10/2016 12:46

I'd go.

And I don't think he's inconsiderate for not offering to pay for you when you've got all that money in the bank.

KinkyAfro · 04/10/2016 12:54

So really you want him to pay for you rather than loan you the money

this but I was irritated that he wanted a holiday and with full knowledge of my circumstances didn't offer to pay at least part of it. I paid for us to go on a couple of outings during the summer as they were my idea but he's financially comfortable

liletsthepink · 04/10/2016 13:18

I'm going to disagree with most pp. I think you should keep your savings intact until you have been in the new job for a while. Absolutely do not borrow the money. Also, it's quite risky going away with a new partner for more than a few days in case you decide that you don't like each other as much as you thought!

A good compromise would be to go away for a nice weekend in this country and plan a bigger holiday for next year when you have started earning again and your relationship is more established.

Wallywobbles · 04/10/2016 14:00

DP and i go on holiday for a long weekend or a week every year. It is invaluable to our relationship. We both have 2 kids and it is hard creating a good strong relationship with 0 alone time. We both love our time together.

Go. Borrow the money from yourself and pay it back into your savings when you are working again.

Original poster
OlivesOnPizza · 04/10/2016 14:21

No, kinky what I really want it for the whole subject not to have come up.

We didn't have a holiday together in the summer because it was early days, I had been made redundant and his job was under threat.

Last week he received confirmation that his job is safe, I had a job offer and he wants us to get away before I start my job.

I feel like whatever I do will be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
OlivesOnPizza · 04/10/2016 14:27

I'm irritated and think he's being inconsiderate because a couple of weeks ago when his own job was uncertain he wouldn't have risked spending the money on a holiday either.

Now he knows his job is ok I think it's inconsiderate that he's forgotten how he felt only two weeks ago! at the prospect of spending money on non-essentials.

OP posts:
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