to have told my DD the truth about death?

[tryhard]

I'm feeling really bad about this & would love to know how others have handled this...

My eldest is 5. The relevant background to this is that it was recently the anniversary of my Dad's death (he died before she was born), I tried to hide how upset I was but she saw me crying on the day & I explained why, just that I was sad because I miss my Daddy but thinking of all the good times makes me happy. Then I had a minor op, nothing serious but she saw me recovering in bed with stitches which she asked me a lot about. Then I was ill & needed to go to A&E in the middle of the night, the only thing she was aware of was that my Mom was here in morning & I was in bed recovering for a few days. I'm normally really fit & active, she's used to me running round after her etc so I guess it was unusual to see me ill in bed twice in quick succession.

Anyway, yesterday she suddenly bombarded with me questions about death: will you ever die Mummy, when will it be? When I'm a grown up? How many sleeps till you die? What's it like when you die? I don't want any of us to die...

I was so unprepared for it, it was so out of the blue, I just said were all young, fit & healthy & wont die for ages & ages. DH said I should have just lied & said that I'll never die, reasoning that at this age she doesn't need to know the truth about death. But I plan to tell her the truth about everything as she asks me (ie where do babies come from etc, which she hasn't asked yet).

So AIBU to have told her truth? Have I damaged her for life?! I'm worried I've not handled it right.

We talked to my dd about death when her great grandfather died. She was 3. Turns out they'd all been discussing death amongst themselves at nursery anyway, so was glad of an opportunity to address the sometimes, er, odd beliefs.

Badgers Parting Gifts is a lovely and non-religious book dealing with the death of an older person.

She's 6 now and still hasn't completely got her head round the concept of death. It takes time. We've talked about what happens to the body after death, we got quite technical, and what happens to the person inside - and how different people believe different things about the latter.

Theres no way I'd tell the DC's that we'll never die.
I showed them their clothes laid out on the bed. I said 'are those clothes you?' They agreed they weren't. I said after a person or animal dies, the part that was them would move on to somewhere else, leaving the old worn out body behind.
They happily accepted that and have never shown any fear, just curiosity.

There are loads of messed up adults because they weren't taught about how to deal with when younger.

You can only be matter of fact about it, children know when they are being fobbed off.

The absolute worst thing anyone can do is hide from the subject, especially when someone close has died.

I'm sorry about your Dad 💐 My Dad died a few years ago, suddenly & far too young as well.

It's perfectly fine for your DD to see you crying because you miss your Dad. It does children no harm to see other people have emotions, that her Mum is a separate human being who can be sad as well as happy, that expressing your emotions isn't a bad thing.l

What you said to her was totally fine. She'll ask other questions (it generally feels bloody relentless at that age 😂) & you can work 'hopefully' into the 'I won't die until I'm really, really old'.

As for your DH. WTAF? You need to get it through to him that 'innocence' & 'knowledge' are not mutually exclusive. Age appropriate explanations are the only way to deal with childrens questions. Making stuff up is harmful. There's a huge difference between saying 'I believe Nana is in the sky watching over us' & 'I will never die, you will never die'. Gid forbid she asks him where babies come from, he'll be dragging the stork out of retirement!

phillip my post wasn't aimed at you We all say things we later regret. You did your best at the time 💐

I see death a lot as part of my job (HCP). Because of this I am probably more comfortable than most people are talking about it.

I also see many people who do not talk about death which I think leads to all sorts of problems when someone does die, as of course death is inevitable at some point. For this reason I would always have been honest with my DCs about death.

Actually the decision was made for us at a young age. I had no choice as DD1's close friend (a child) who we thought was fit and healthy died. I've told my DC that everyone dies eventually, that usually people are old and have had a full life when they die but that sometimes people die younger. They absolutely know that children can die. I say to them that it is scary and it's ok to be scared but that's why we need to make the most of now and enjoy and treasure life while we can. It works for us, am not saying it's the perfect approach. We do also say that although fit and healthy people can and do die, we can try to reduce these risks by exercising, road safety etc.

DH and I talk about keeping memories alive so that that person 'lives on' in some way. We talk about the child who died frequently and try to keep them in our thoughts.

I'm less sure how to handle the questions about an afterlife though. I don't think there is one but my DCs have an idea of heaven up in the sky which I think is normal at that age.

Your DH is a loon to tell a child you'll never die is bonkers.

You handled it really well, I've always been age appropriately truthful with my DCs. As they got older we discussed how people can suddenly die so we need to make everyday count. We also discussed that when parents and grandparents die they can live on in their children and grandchildren. I doesn't have to be scary but it needs to be factual.

mybugslife just realised what I wrote about heaven up in the sky and what you write about your DS. Hope that didn't offend, is lovely to think of people up there watching over us

Always the truth, that's my policy and its seen me well and mine are now 15 and 10. That doesn't mean I have an outpouring of grim detail everything they ask a question, just that I tell them the truth in age appropriate language and gentle assurances.

I think you handled it perfectly. We had similar conversations when a family friend died when my kids were 4 and 6 and they struggled to understand it.

Another acquaintance told their child that a granny had "gone to sleep and won't ever wake up" which just had the effect of making the child have horrendous nightmares and being terrified of going to sleep in case they didn't wake up either.

Yanbu.

runny same explanation here. That's why mummy eats kale and goes running . I'm not planning on going anywhere for decades, they're stuck with me.

YANBU I think it is important for children to be told the truth. Lying would lead to more confusion and hurt in the long run.

All of mine have been aware of death from quite a young age, younger than your DD even, as their eldest sibling died when she was a baby. But I would never pretend that she didn't exist and they have seen photographs of her from when she was alive.

Sadly their aunt also passed away far too young, leaving young children. They are very aware that we don't know when we will die and that babies, young children and mummies and daddies sometimes die too, although this is rare. It is horrible that they have had to learn this so young in some ways but it is only the truth and far better, I think, than raising them under the illusion that anyone will live forever!

I agree, questions about an after life are difficult and I don't want to teach my children that heaven is 'real' in a religious sense, however the vague notion of a person that has died being ' up in the sky' looking down on us is a comforting concept even for adults.

I did tell my youngest that his guinea pig had gone to heaven. I'm not sure why as I'm not religious.
It all got confusing when the grandparents took my son to a chocolate shop. Grandad went to look round and gran commented that grandad was in heaven .

DC have to know death happens and it's part of life. My parents never lied to me about it and as an adult I deal with conversations about death etc quite well, I obviously don't like funerals but I can attend without panicking too much.

My good friend from school her parents never spoke of death, as a child she wasn't allowed to attend any funerals to say goodbye to anyone. Her dad passed away when she was 18 and she just didn't know how to let herself deal with it or what emotions she could let out and even at 18 her mum showed her no emotion regarding the death. She's now 39 and still can't cope with a conversation about death, like when our work Admin lady had cancer they could do nothing for.

DC learn from there parents how to deal with death and all the emotions it brings. True but of course age appropriate Is the best way which is what you done

I think you did the right thing.

When I was around 4 or 5 I think my parents must have explained to me that once you're very very old you die. I then asked my Gran if she was going to die soon as she was very old - she's in her 90s now I'm glad to say!

My dd ggd died when she was 6 early this year and she had never met him but was taken to his grave by her gm.

She would ask questions and went through a phase of talking about death and talking about violence which was quite worrying in itself but we seen someone at chams and mentioned it and the person said that it was a natural way for them to process it.

She is over it now thankfully and I just told her that most people die when they are old.
I think you did the right op 5 is a good age and they start becoming more aware of the world outside of their own bubble after this age I think.

I've always believed in God and I like to think my grown up dcs do too. Therefore I've always affirmed what they've learned in school, that we will have eternal life with God. That the life we live here on earth is only in preparation for our life with Him. Just as atheists often tell their children there is no God, I tell them that I believe there is, but it is their choice whether they do or not. Many of their friends who went to their school don't. If they choose to disbelieve that is fine, but having them believe does far more good than harm imo.

My ds2 went through a real stage where he was suddenly really aware of immortality when he was about 5. And at that time, we hadn't had anyone close to us who had died.

We just discussed the subject gently and listened to him, and it did break my heart at times. I don't practice any religion, so for me personally, I couldn't use the suggestion of someone dying going to heaven. He also struggled with being taught at school that Jesus came back, but we wouldn't . It's such a tricky subject.💐

I did the same than you OP.
Why hiding the fact that we will die at some point when there is 100% chance that we will? It is part of life just as much as birth is part of life too.

I did tell my dcs that no you can't tell when you are going to die but normally people die when they are much much older. One of the reason for me to do that was that dc1 was clearly getting worried we could die soon so he needed to be put at rest.
Otherwise, YY to talking aboout it as they ask questions and be trueful about it.

Honesty may be hard, but it's the best option by far. If children can't trust you they will never feel safe. I think you did brilliantly.

My godchild, who was also my son's best friend died at five so I'm totally against telling children they will never die. I didn't shy away from crying in front of my son because I wanted him to see that being upset was normal.

Our son asked lots of question and we told him no-one really knows what happens when you die, that some people believe in an afterlife and heaven but that we didn't.

He also asked when my husband and I would die and who would look after him if we did. Because he had seen that even children could die, there was no room for flanneling so we just answered everything as honestly and appropriately as we could.

So I think you did the right thing and disagree very strongly with your husband. The only thing I would have done differently is I would have said I probably wouldn't die for ages and maybe even explained to your child you would look after them if that did happen. Because they could well be wondering that, even if they don't ask.

All children have a moment when they suddenly understand that everyone is going to die one day and that this includes the people they love. And of course that's frightening.

When my son started asking "when will you die, Mummy?" I said "at the end of my life". He accepted this...later we had a bit more of an in-depth discussion about how long that might be, but it worked.

tryhard You did the right thing course you can gloss over some of the details a bit but they do take it in. I had to tell my then 7 Y/O DD that her mum had died and why she she took her own life, and it was astounding the understanding the poor young soul had.

She was there and taking an active part at the funeral. She'd even written a short story for her mum and read it out at the church, there wasn't a dry eye in the congregation, even the vicar wiped away a tear! and attended the grave and put her mums old teddy bear from when she was a child in there with her to keep her company;!

After all that shes turned out to be one of the most sensible, kindest, together people I've ever known, bless her:)

I think you handled it perfectly. Death is inevitable and it's no use trying to pretend its doesn't. My ds 4 is questioning about death all the time at the mo. I answer it in a similar way with a bit of added heaven as we are Christian

That's very touching, Justa. I agree, the level of understanding and acceptance children display in these situations is astounding.