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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling ridiculously guilty

47 replies

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 09:11

Dd had her 2nd birthday last week and on the morning of her birthday I received a phone call from my dad saying that my Gran had had a stroke and was unconscious in hospital. This obviously put a huge dampener on my day but dd was thankfully unaware that anything was wrong. We had planned to go to the zoo but instead we decided to take her to the farm as it was closer to the hospital in case my Gran took another turn for the worse. I didn't want to leave dd on her birthday so we carried on the day as normal. My dad called and said it wasn't a stroke after all and that they were doing more tests etc. So after the farm dd had a nap in the car and I called in at the hospital to see my Gran (she was in the car with her dad). I only planned on staying half an hour while dd napped but that turned out to be longer because my Gran woke up and now I'm feeling incredibly guilty for leaving dd on her birthday.

I suffer with anxiety and obsessive worrying and I'm not sure whether this is anxiety or real. I feel so awful. My Gran is fine by the way.

OP posts:

putputput · 01/10/2016 09:21

She's 2. She won't remember it, or have any idea of the significance.

Notsure1234 · 01/10/2016 09:22

This is exactly the sort of thing is get worked up over but you did absolutely nothing wrong.

You had a lovely day with your daughter, she was napping anyway and was with her other parent, not just abandoned.

I'm glad your gran is fine

luckylucky24 · 01/10/2016 09:23

I sent my son to nursery on his first birthday as I had just started a new uni course and DH was working - So much guilt!
Unfortunately life happens!

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 09:26

I just wish I hadn't gone to see her now. Dd might not understand but I still missed part of her birthday.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 01/10/2016 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Creampastry · 01/10/2016 09:29

She will have lots more birthdays so stop overthinking this.

ElspethFlashman · 01/10/2016 09:31

What did you do on your 2nd birthday? Were your parents in the house all day? Did they do anything else at all that day?

Don't remember?

Didn't think so!

tibbawyrots · 01/10/2016 09:31

It probably meant the world to your Gran that you visited her whereas your DD was napping in the car and had no idea you weren't there nor will she remember this.

Nothing to feel guilty about. When she's older she'll probably have school on her birthday, life happens.

PeggyMitchell123 · 01/10/2016 09:32

Stop overthinking it, she is 2 she doesn't know the day of the week. Sometimes life gets in the way and it is unavoidable.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 01/10/2016 09:32

This is irrational. Def the anxiety.

AndieNZ · 01/10/2016 09:37

I thought I was bad enough at overthinking stuff!

You had to make a decision based on the facts you had at the time.

Your daughter had a a lovely day regardless of the plans changing..and you made time for your Nan.

You would never have forgiven yourself if you had not seen your Nan.

You made time for both of them and you organised the day to do just that.

You have absolutely done the right thing and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty! What are you feeling so guilty about? Stop being so hard on yourself!

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 09:55

I suppose I'm just mad at myself for not thinking things through. In hindsight I should have waited until the day after to see her.

OP posts:

sparklefarts · 01/10/2016 09:58

This is mad levels of over thinking. Your DD will have no idea whereas your Gran would've appreciated visit.

I'll be sending mine to nursery for half a day in his first birthday even tho I have a day off. Why? Because he will have literally no idea, whereas the morning to myself to get some stuff sorted will be awesome to me.

OhFuds · 01/10/2016 09:59

I think it was more important that you visited your gran, your DD is too young to understand birthday's.

I have a 4 year old and I can't even remember what we did for his 2nd birthday.

ElspethFlashman · 01/10/2016 10:01

It sounds like your brain is trying to find things to make you feel guilty about. It's grasping at straws with this one, tbh.

TheProblemOfSusan · 01/10/2016 10:03

I completely understand why you feel anxious and guilty because this is the sort of thing I get worked up over as well. But from the outside I can see it's irrational, even though I would be feeling that horrible guilt-shame anxiety if I were in your shoes.

So yanbu to have the feeling but it's totally anxiety lying to you. You made the right call - your daughter really won't have been affected and you made your poorly nan feel looked after and happy. These feelings are brain gremlins lying.

... Now if only I could recognise this and say it to myself when I feel like this...

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 10:11

It was her party last Saturday and my brain did everything in its power to find something to torture me with but it struggled to find something. Then it found this instead. She was asleep so completely oblivious. I wish I could shake this off.

OP posts:

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 01/10/2016 10:24

Its great that you recognise that this is just the anxiety speaking, as you did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact you juggled the day well - you had a lovely time with your dd despite the worry about your gran and managed to visit your gran without favouring your dds day - in fact you did so without dd even being aware of it (although it would also have been fine if she was!)

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 10:32

If you'd waited a day to see your gran, you would now be worrying that you should have gone to see her earlier. And if she'd taken a turn for the worse, you would feel incredibly guilty.

You really don't have to spend every minute of your child's birthday with her. She was with her dad, and she won't remember any of it anyway. In future years she will be in school on her birthday. It sounds like your dd had a lovely day, congratulate yourself on that.

AbyssinianBanana · 01/10/2016 10:34

I hate to tell you this bad news but when she begins school and her birthday falls on a weekday,, they won't allow you to stay with her in class all day. And when she hits her teens? Well, she won't want you around (after you take her and her friends shopping and walk few meters behind them).

vdbfamily · 01/10/2016 10:36

my son has a friend with a birthday the next day to him. One year he had a party invite which I rsvp'd too saying yes please as he was keen to go. A few days later I realised the party was on my sons birthday. I spoke to him about it and he insisted he wanted to go and so on his birthday he went off in the afternoon to a friends house and had tea there and celebrated friends birthday. I felt awful but it was what he wanted. There are lots of societal expectations/pressures heaped on us about what birthdays should look like but what is important is that our kids are happy and your 2 year old will not have any recollection of the day but is blessed with a mum who cares about her nan.....so she is a lucky girl.
I had another year when my son was turning 3 or 4 when I had decided not to bother with a party. One of my friends was mortified and said she would have a party for him at her house(!!) I felt so embarrassed that I last minute invited some of his preschool friends to tea and it was a total disaster. He did not want to be woken from an afternoon nap and so was not even present for the first hour. I then decided I had to get him up and he sat under the dining room table screaming for the next half hour. I SO wish I had stuck to my guns and just had a quiet tea with just the 5 of us.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 01/10/2016 10:37

You made time for someone you love. That is admirable. You didn't put one persons needs above another's. Far better for your nan that you made time for her when she was awake and not actually too poorly than wait until a day when she doesn't recognise you or your daughter has a school play on and you put her needs first. Go easy on yourself. The decisions aren't always easy and you won't always be sure you have made the right decision but know that you made the best decision you could. (FWIW I am feeling guilty about delaying taking my son to the doctor this week.)

Wonderflonium · 01/10/2016 10:37

Even if your daughter was a bit older and able to form proper memories, it would still have been okay to leave her for a bit on her birthday to go see your gran. It's the anxiety talking.

DollyBarton · 01/10/2016 10:39

Any one of us would gladly postpone our birthday celebrations for a sick granny so you did the right thing focusing on her rather than the birthday girl. She won't know any different if you celebrate a different day. Most people don't celebrate birthdays if they fall on a weekday anyway and do it at the weekend so there's no rule about when exactly you do it.

It's definitely your anxiety talking. Don't worry, you did everything exactly as you should have.

imother · 01/10/2016 10:44

To play devil's advocate, you could say: you should have dropped your dd's birthday entirely and spent the day in the hospital.

Your dd didn't know it was her birthday that particular day, whereas your Gran could have died and it would have made a huge difference to her that her family were with her showing they loved her.

There will be many more birthdays with your dd, but if your Gran had died then you would never have seen her again.

You are definitely being overanxious. I think you got it just right you balanced two competing demands on you perfectly

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