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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling ridiculously guilty

47 replies

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 09:11

Dd had her 2nd birthday last week and on the morning of her birthday I received a phone call from my dad saying that my Gran had had a stroke and was unconscious in hospital. This obviously put a huge dampener on my day but dd was thankfully unaware that anything was wrong. We had planned to go to the zoo but instead we decided to take her to the farm as it was closer to the hospital in case my Gran took another turn for the worse. I didn't want to leave dd on her birthday so we carried on the day as normal. My dad called and said it wasn't a stroke after all and that they were doing more tests etc. So after the farm dd had a nap in the car and I called in at the hospital to see my Gran (she was in the car with her dad). I only planned on staying half an hour while dd napped but that turned out to be longer because my Gran woke up and now I'm feeling incredibly guilty for leaving dd on her birthday.

I suffer with anxiety and obsessive worrying and I'm not sure whether this is anxiety or real. I feel so awful. My Gran is fine by the way.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 01/10/2016 10:45

You need to get your anxiety under control rather than it controlling you. Really would be worth having a chat with your doctor. Difficult decisions are part of everyday life,

AdmiralData · 01/10/2016 10:46

Give yourself a massive break Op you did the right thing. As a fellow obsessive thinker and anxiousbody I can safely guarantee that had you only stayed with yor DGran for a few minutes youd have beat yourself up about that aswell. Your DD wont have noticed or remember this, she was napping :)
Fwiw my M had my Dad arrested for assault on my DS 1st birthday and I spent several hours travelling to and giving a statement in the police HQ. (Before anyone goes batshit, she lied and had in fact assaulted my dad).

16augustholiday · 01/10/2016 10:55

Sometimes life happens. I missed my DS's birthday party one year as I ended up with an emergency doctors appointment. I thought I was seriously ill, it turned out to be a gallbladder attack.
I felt awful that I left DS and sent DH to deal with a load of kids at a bowling party but I needed to see the doctor.

You needed to see your gran really as you didn't know how ill she was. I initially read your op and assumed I would get to the end and your gran had died and you felt guilty for not seeing her because of dd's party.

You do the right thing even if your daughter had been awake, she wasn't so you don't need to feel at all guilty.

NorfolkEnchance · 01/10/2016 11:07

Don't feel guilty. We cancelled our trip to the zoo for DC1 2nd birthday as DC2 was poorly. DC1 still had a lovely day at home with all the new presents and we went a few days later instead.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 01/10/2016 11:10

Definitely the anxiety talking.

My DS is 7 and I can't for the life of me recall what we did for his 2nd birthday! (or mine come to that).

You did the absolute best by everyone- your Gran got to see you and your DD had a lovely birthday.

Sounds to me like you aced it!

corythatwas · 01/10/2016 11:19

This is your anxiety talking, because it's what anxiety does: it lurks around looking for ways to beat you up with.

The truth is that you balanced two competing duties very, very well indeed.

Another truth is that your dd is going to grow up (and it is part of your job to help her grow up) into a human being like yourself, somebody who will have to do the same balancing act herself, somebody who will need to be able to put other people first at times (and even from quite a young age if their needs are serious enough). It is what being human is all about, functioning in a context. It's not something you should feel guilty about on her behalf. It will be helpful to her, as she grows, to see how you as adults balance different needs and help each other. The fact that you care about other people is not going to be a negative: it will be something that makes her life richer.

Lots of toddlers have older or younger siblings: that means their birthday party might be interrupted by a sibling throwing up (happened at dd's birthday party) or being hospitalised. Lots of children have disabled siblings or siblings with special needs. Even super-healthy siblings sometimes have to have their needs prioritised. And that's before we even come to ailing grandparents, which is something most children will have to confront at some stage or other.

What I am trying to say, in a rather rambling way, is that being part of a wider context of people who love each other and are there for each other is going to be an enormous benefit to your dd. It will be much, much better for her than growing up seeing herself as the (lonely) centre of the universe. You are doing something right here.

TSSDNCOP · 01/10/2016 11:20

Look at it another way. DGM could have died and you'd have missed your last chance to see her.

As it was she didn't, and DD won't have remembered your popping in for an hour as she was asleep. Good news all round, not cause for angst.

Do you have meds for anxiety? Things will get much more crowded as life progresses OP, if you can get support to nip this in the bud now it might be a good thing.

Lj8893 · 01/10/2016 11:24

i spent dds 2nd birthday at uni. I didn't see her in the morning as she was still asleep when I left home and then we had a little tea party for her in the evening when I got home with some family. She didn't even know it was her birthday!!

She's 3 next month and this time I have made sure I have the day free, just because she's much more aware of things now.

I think you are way overthinking things and your anxiety is overtaking logic, understandable but you really don't need to feel guilty at all.

Haudyerwheesht · 01/10/2016 11:34

You did nothing wrong. Try and be rational, your Dd is still a baby! Even if she wasn't it wouldn't matter. You know what matters more?? You being relaxed and happy. Please get help.

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 13:12

Thank you everyone.

I know it's my anxiety for the most part but I can't help but feel guilty. I feel like I chose my Gran over dd and nobody would ever come before dd.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 01/10/2016 13:25

Oh of course they need to, in occasion. That's life!

I lost both parents within a coffee years of becoming a parent. I spent endless hours in hospitals and hospices with the kids farmed out to whomever.

I feel zero guilt. They were oblivious and needs must.

ElspethFlashman · 01/10/2016 13:25

*couple of

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 13:31

I take 100mg of Sertraline daily but forgot to take it a couple of times last week which was silly of me. I'm also due to get me period which makes me more anxious than usual.

OP posts:

Forgetmenotblue · 01/10/2016 13:33

cory that was a lovely post, really wise.

Op, don't make rules for yourself that are so harsh...like "nobody will ever come before DD". Because sometimes they will, they'll have to, and sometimes your own needs will come before her. Not often or regularly but sometimes, such as your need for sleep, food and sanity. It won't be good for her long term to always "be first".

liquidrevolution · 01/10/2016 14:54

cory is spot on. I spent my DDs 2nd birthday at work while she was in nursery. Its nice to do something special for DCs birthday but really life goes on, it doesnt stop.

You did very well having an alternative location for your day out and combining it with a trip to see your Dgran in hospital. Its good parenting for your DD to see you being able to make these kind of decisions.

MidniteScribbler · 01/10/2016 16:31

Birthdays sometimes need to be moved. My parents both worked two jobs, so my birthday (and theirs) were celebrated on the next night they were off work (Tuesdays and Thursdays). I actually survived this, and was able to realise that a celebration could be held on another day of the week, that the world didn't revolve around me and, that my parents still loved me even if they couldn't close down their business just because one of their work days coincided with the day I was born.

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 16:34

I'm feeling slightly more rational after reading all of these posts. I can see it really is my anxiety now and that we still had a lovely day even if I was with my Gran for an hour of it. It's also reassuring to know that other people suffer with these irrational worries. It really is exhausting.

OP posts:

greenfolder · 01/10/2016 16:59

Children do have to fit in. In this situation, had you not gone to see gran and something had happened to her, your anxiety would have focused on that outcome instead

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 18:40

I'm terrified of being a shit mum and letting her down. Every chance it gets my anxiety tries to bully me.

OP posts:

rumpelstiltskin43 · 01/10/2016 18:47

You need to go and see your GP. This isn't normal thinking, you need to get some help.

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 01/10/2016 21:50

I'm getting all the help I can. I'm on meds and have had CBT.

OP posts:

Original poster

pabstblueribbon · 02/10/2016 09:05

I'm taking dd out for the day today to do what we were supposed to do on her birthday. I hope this can alleviate some of the guilt because my head is really hurting today

OP posts:

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