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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cringing for my friend who is size 16 at least, saying she is a 10-12?

71 replies

footinmouthohdear · 30/09/2016 16:45

I feel embarrassed for her and also a little worried. She is normally quite difficult to deal with anyway, as very sensitive, but lately her Facebook posts seem to be getting more and more bizarre and away from reality. I'm wondering if there's anything I should do? All I can do is ask if she is ok? She is a kind soul, just very self obsessed, which means even asking if things are ok is likely to turn into a very long and complicated conversation about her current situation where I'm not allowed to say anything remotely that she doesn't agree with.

It's so weird though she is arguing that although she is overweight she is only a size 10-12, just curvy. She actually looks quite overweight. You would never think she's a 12. It sounds ludicrous.

I don't know if I'm explaining right but I feel uneasy, like something isn't quite right for her at the moment. There are other examples too but obviously can't share more or it would be identifying. She's not remotely obnoxious like Samantha Brick, but it just sounds so daft to hear her say a few of these things and I worry if she will look back and feel like an idiot.

I could be reading too much into it, do you think AIBU?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 30/09/2016 17:10

I have a friend who looks a lot slimmer than me but we are both size 12. We are different shapes and build. I don't think you can always accurately guess someone's dress size.

Original poster
footinmouthohdear · 30/09/2016 17:10

Thanks for opinions. I have to go to the shops, but will check later if anyone has had anymore thoughts.

Not going to say anything at all about it but may invite her for a coffee to see if all seems fine with her in general.

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 30/09/2016 17:11

honestly I would think this kind of thing is quite common. I stayed with my mum for a week about a year ago, brought a few bits of clothes with me. I noticed the tags were going missing out of my clothes, the little size ones at the back.
My mum later told me my sister had been cutting tags out of clothes to sew into her own, she was 4 sizes bigger than me (I'm was an 8, she was a 16) now tbf she was a teen and is a lot better now (both health wise and doesn't cut tags out of clothes anymore!)
But I think convincing yourself you're smaller than you are can help them cope with uncomfortable feelings re: their size. I wouldn't question it or say anything but I'd be there to talk if she needed it

rookiemere · 30/09/2016 17:11

Conversly hangingout I find that I am always a 14 for trousers/dresses in Next.
Perhaps she is Vanessa Feltz

Wdigin2this · 30/09/2016 17:14

I don't think YANBU, I think you're a caring person, who's concerned for her friend's well being! However it's true that different shapes and sizes sometimes fit the same dress size, and the other way around. I have a friend whose the same weight and height as me, but I wear a UK size 12, and she wears a 14/16!

hangingoutattheendofmywick · 30/09/2016 17:15

if something has stretch I am a 12. If it has no give I'm a 16. But one thing is for sure - I aint never ever gonna be a 10 no matter where I shop. Unless it's socks or gloves.

NapQueen · 30/09/2016 17:15

If her FB posts annoy you that much just hide her posts.

CantChoose · 30/09/2016 17:16

I wear a 16. My friends seem genuinely amazed when I tell them this and think I'm a 12. Maybe they're just being nice. But I dress well for my shape and look a whole lot slimmer in clothes than naked so I think they're telling the truth. She could be the other way round, I guess...

MammouthTask · 30/09/2016 17:17

If you think she has some big issues going on then you have two options

  • either you think you are close enough for you to want and help. But you need to be aware that it will a long thing, it will be emotionally draining and you will want to bang your head on the wall because what she will say will sound crazy, she wont listen to your advise' etc...
  • or you don't have the will/energy/time to be able to do all that. Then stay away and don't say anything.

If you want to help, the last thing to do is to tell her what to do. The first thing to do is be happy to listen to her for hours on end and maybe give some open questions that could help her see better what is going on/if she need help and what sort. And be completely non judgemental, incl on her comments of her dress size.
At the moment, you have actually no idea of what is going on, which makes it really hard to see what sort of help, if any she needs.

TheFuckitBuckit · 30/09/2016 17:19

Oops I see you've given a little more info, i assume that this is new behaviour for her?

If you are worried something is not quite then definitely offer a cuppa and a chat one to one. It's a little easier to gage her reactions and body language face to face.

ImTiredMum · 30/09/2016 17:19

I have a friend exactly like this, I just ignore her, YANBU because it can be very annoying.

tabulahrasa · 30/09/2016 17:20

How do you know she's a 16? Because I find people are terrible at guessing other people's clothes size by looking at them.

mscongeniality · 30/09/2016 17:25

I don't think the issue is what dress she is or isn't, it's that shes posting a bit of personal information like that on Facebook and you're concerned because that's out of the norm? If that's the case then YANBU...but I'm not sure if there's anything you could do except just casually see how she's doing?

AuntieStella · 30/09/2016 17:25

Dress size is meaningless these days anyhow.

You can always find some 12s that'll fit, even with a BMI of 30ish. I know. I did.

So no, don't do anything based on clothes sizing.

If you are concerned for her health, pick a different time and talk to her face to face. If you can think of a tactful way to do so, that is. I doubt I'd say anything to anyone other than closest family about weight/health; and not even them about weight/appearance.

IDontCareILoveIt · 30/09/2016 17:30

Think we have the same friend!

Mine, shopping is a nightmare and nothing ever fits or looks nice but she is deluded. Will only ever try on size 10 clothes though is obv a 14-16 (nothing wrong with that btw) but it always ends the same. Her mad and upset that she has no clothes other than really floaty style tops/dresses in a 10. Not up to me to point out the obvious though so I just nod along dutifully and carry on

LuckySantangelo1 · 30/09/2016 17:36

I have a friend that does this too. She insists she's a 16 and she's more like a 20. I could ignore it until she asked me to help her look for an occasion dress so I had to say as nicely as possible that perhaps we needed to look for a different style or maybe go up a size as the dresses were not doing up. She still insists she's a size 16. I let her get on with it but won't ever go shopping with her again!

ConvincingLiar · 30/09/2016 17:38

I heard that Maria Carey's staff were instructed to relabel clothes but I'm not sure what the point of doing it is if you know about it. That said I was sorely tempted to relabel some pyjama bottoms of mine this week, they felt a bit tight so I thought they were 10-12 so I was horrified to see they were 16-18! Bastards.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 30/09/2016 17:45

Glad to see the tide's changing away from a load of responses about whether or not this person is a 10-12 or not, and whether that is anybody's business but hers. I think that's a red herring; it was only an example OP used anyway.

OP, I think you've got the right idea about meeting her for a coffee and seeing the lie of the land. If your friend is... well... something you can't quite put your finger on but makes you uneasy, all you can very well do is be there. When you see these statuses go up, drop her a message, asks her how her day's been. If it makes you feel better this will probably come and go soon enough and you'll forget all about it; I suspect she's feeling down about one thing or another (has something happened?) and is trying to project herself as happier and/or more successful (or whatever) than she really feels. She's probably trying to convince herself as much as anyone else.

If you were looking for reassurance here you go; YANBU. You're being a good friend.

Benedikte2 · 30/09/2016 18:18

Just a thought OP. A friend of mine went through a period of saying odd things. For example, she was telling a group of people about an overseas holiday she and I had been on years before and added that her DS was named after a guy we met on that holiday. In fact her DS was born before the holiday and was one of the reasons she needed a break.
However, she had acquired a drinking habit (was drinking steadily through the day) and this was affecting her. Made her more garrulous and apt to talk nonsense but she reverted to "normal" when she stopped drinking.
Was never rolling drunk but under the influence for most of the day.
Do you think your friend has acquired a habit?

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/09/2016 18:22

I don't think you have enough to worry about, OP. Set a nearby object on fire.

IAmBumblebee · 30/09/2016 18:22

Next time you see her...
You: "Oh wow, what a lovely top. Let's see the label, where did you get it? Which shop?"
reaches over to see the tag behind her neck

Either -

You: Oh, from Next! A size 10 I see.

Or -

You: Oh, from Next ! A size 16 I see.

There's you're answer.

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2016 22:59

I think it's a cry for help. When I was slimmer, I'd be wearing size 8 but I was definitely more like a size 12, but I'd be crowing over getting into a size 8 without suffocating! It's daft, but she's obviously wanting to be smaller. A gentle word might do, if not, keep your mouth closed if it's likely to offend.

Amethyst81 · 01/10/2016 02:12

I wouldn't say anything about her dress size, its a bit odd she is posting about it on Facebook but she is not doing anybody any harm, in the grand scheme of things so what if she doesnt look a size 10/12? I would be more concerned about the bizaare posts and I would see if she needs a friend to talk to.

RunningLulu · 01/10/2016 02:16

She could be telling the truth. Shorter women tend to look bigger but still be able to wear small sizes. I know several obese woman for instance who wear size 10s.

Tartyflette · 01/10/2016 02:29

I think a lot of us deceive ourselves over our looks Sad.; I have my hair dyed and foiled back to something close to the wonderful colour it was in my 20s and 30s; I kid myself that I look about 15 years younger than my actual age (although I am all too aware of my size.)
I think it's just part of the human condition, (Just look at Trump's hair, FFS - not a lot of self awareness there) and it's probably mostly harmless and a way of feeling better about ourselves, in the main. I wouldn't say anything. Least said, soonest etc etc.