To not feel the need to kick, cut, or punch to get my point across?

[azuretriune]

Or am I just being precious/humour impaired? (For those just tuning in, this has to do with the recent spate of violent thread titles.)

ItshouldhavebeenJess - I used that phrase to illustrate the type of phrases people use, and that I personally find nasty. It's not hypocritical because I'm not saying it about someone on a thread. And I don't mind the word, it's the phrase I don't like.

No-one said people shouldn't vent, just that the phrasing used is pretty horrible.

aqua there are a million reasons for the forum to exist, one of which doesn't need to be using the promotion of DV for 'fun' or as a fuck you to the patricarchy.

If all the venting threads stopped the place would fall on its arse.

If someone who is going through shit wants to use colourful language to say they'd cheerfully strangle their kids or kick their neighbour, happily it is a free country and they can post such.

If you don't like it you know what to do

Yes, I know what to do - have an opinion on it. Not sure why leaving the site is the only option here.

Surely actual debate and discussion is, in fact, the point of the forum? Not 'if you don't like one aspect of it, fuck off'.

charley. I know you were illustrating examples of the language used on here, but earlier posters were making comments such as 'would a kicking in the cunt be deemed acceptable'.

No it bloody wouldn't, and you can't possibly get up in arms about the violence inferred to in a thread title and then type equally horrid sentences out as an 'example'. Just say you find it offensive. I don't see the need for vile examples of misogyny to be bandied about in order to 'prove a point'. It's self-defeating.

I think there's a fine line between what's acceptable.

Saying "I'll kill him" or "I'll throttle him" seems acceptable, common language. Using more descriptive violence such as stabbing, or hacking off genitals seems a step too far.

I'm going to put my neck on the line here and say it seems much worse when a man jokes about violence on women. I think the reason for this is that historically women have mostly been affected by domestic violence, also because women are generally smaller and physically much weaker.

If I gave my husband a jokey shove he wouldn't move.

Personally I don't like some of the thread titles lately and think they've overstepped the jokey mark.

lighthouse. I think that's a fair point.

When these thread titles come up, there is outrage because they appear to suggest violence towards men is acceptable. Of course it's not and it should never be insinuated that it is.

But while it most certainly exists, there are far, far more cases of DV perpetrated by men against women. It's a fact with statistics to back it up. Personally, it makes me uneasy (as someone whose friend was strangled to death by her partner) that people jump in to defend men as though the gender of victims of DV is equal. It's untrue.

It's not that I condone these thread titles, but the inference that men are equally at risk of harm from partners is inaccurate.

In the smoking / wotsits thread someone said that posters that correct others' grammar should be punched in the face until they swallowed their own teeth . In MN world that is more acceptable than pointing out a spelling mistake

As far as I know the post is still standing.

I don't think a woman throwing a baby monitor at her husband is in the same league as male on female domestic violence.

And they shouldn't be treated the same.

If a DH wrote on here that he was annoyed with his DW and started a thread saying he was going to cut of her anatomy or kick her in a crudely sounding place then I can only imagine the response. It would NOT be taken as lightly.

It's not the same

aquawoman if the DH had thrown the baby monitor then even if it was the first time she would be told to get out of there.

She would be told it's the start of domestic violence and that it will escalate.

I think people should be held to the same standards, if you don't allow "joking" about hurting people that means men and women.

It's also important to note that secrecy, lies and cover-ups are as much a part of male-perpetrated domestic violence as the hitting itself. Therefore no man would post such a thread title. Of course they wouldn't.

I'm not suggesting that's why you don't see posts like that started by men - most men wouldn't dream of hitting a woman. But it goes on far more frequently than women hitting men. And as a result, you won't see thread titles like that posted by a man. Why would he admit to it? The pretence and domination is all part of the abuse.

I've said before that I don't excuse the OPs behaviour, but a baby monitor thrown at a sleeping partner tucked under a duvet is hardly the same as a woman cowering in a corner while her partner rains blows upon her with his fists. To the posters who think they are the same thing.....really? He's not going to be in casualty lying to the nurses about how he tripped and fell, hence the cuts and bruises, is he?

Violence in a relationship should never be condoned, but to suggest the thread title and the OPs behaviour this morning is identical except to that of a physically abusive male partner is just ridiculous. Go to a women's refuge and see how the stories match up. And please, read the bloody thread. Her partner is being a twat.

" aquawoman
I don't think a woman throwing a baby monitor at her husband is in the same league as male on female domestic violence.

And they shouldn't be treated the same."

What about a man pushing a woman on to a sofa and no one being hurt?
What if it was done in a caring loving way while messing around? What if it was done in an aggressive way?

We need to be careful about speaking so broadly, people's definitions are different and the safest route in my opinion is saying no violence or threats at all.

Doesnt most domestic violence start small and build up? Throwing something at your partner because you're pissed off is the start of a very slippery slope male or female. But on mumsnet women can do no wrong even when they admit to something that if they were a man would get hundred posts saying theyre abusive.

Neon. Because male-perpetrated DV is so much more common than the other way around. Because women have to be far more on the alert for signs of it than men. Because all women, from teens upward, are expected to put up with cat calling, inappropriate touching, name-calling etc from men and not bloody complain. Do make an issue of it and you are frigid, prudish, a slut, a man-hater. Women have been putting up with this crap for years and it's getting worse.

Men quite frankly don't. Yes, there are occasions where it happens, and in some ways it can be worse because help is less easily accessible to guys. But in the grand scheme of things, women are a lot worse off when it comes to being at risk of abuse, violence and sexual exploitation.

To say 'on MN, women can do no wrong' is just silly. Have you read AIBU? The reason so many women on here defend others is because they have either witnessed or experienced DV themselves.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for flagging this. We try, wherever possible, to allow freedom of speech but will edit titles which are beyond the pale - so please do report any titles that concerns you and we will take a closer look.