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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my OH has been a bit selfish

71 replies

sillylionheart · 29/09/2016 19:25

I've been with my OH for a year. Known each other for four. He's due to move in with me very soon.

Earlier this year he bought a new car which I helped him choose. I went with him for the test drive, and spoke quite a bit with the sales rep etc. to make sure he would get a good deal.

Initially we were going to buy the car together, but my OH told me that there was no point in me contributing, but he'd be happy to put me on the insurance which I would pay for.

He let me drive it twice but after that said he would rather give me lessons before I get in again. I have a full license but don't drive that much and am a bit rusty, but didn't make any real blunders!

I have bad anxiety about driving and have spent a lot of evenings crying to him about the fact that I'm frustrated that I can't get out and about more because my fears are holding me back. He uses my driveway to park the car on every day, but I just feel a bit upset that he's never said to me "Come on, let's get you out for a drive to get your confidence up". I feel if the roles were reversed I'd do everything I could to help him be a bit happier and help him with something he has a problem with.

He's now said he doesn't want me insured on the car at all "because it was expensive", and suggested I buy my own. He knows that me buying a car would use up all of my savings and he has much, much more money than I do.

I know I'm probably being a bit over sensitive about this but would just like another perspective.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2016 20:08

So he earns loads more than you do and he'll pay 50-50. Is your house rented or on a mortgage? For god's sake don't put him on the deeds!

I agree with the others, though - he doesn't sound very nice. Do you really want to live with him? It's much harder to get him to move out than to get him to move in.

And did you say you're paying for the insurance on his car?

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2016 20:09

but he'd be happy to put me on the insurance which I would pay for.

How did that pan out, OP?

ThatStewie · 29/09/2016 20:11

I'd be rethinking the relationship. As tip of the iceberg things go, Finances are a huge red flag. 50/50 split when he makes considerably more than you isnrcreally a fair split. Have you discussed housework? Who does what and when? Since doing a bit of DIY isn't contributing to the house

IamalsoSpartacus · 29/09/2016 20:11

As PP said, he's got more money than you but you're going 50/50? He will have a lot more spare than you.

When I was married we both contributed 75% of our salaries and kept 25% for personal spends.

I know this is a hot topic on MN and there are arguments on both sides.

But if you can't drive it, tell him to get it off your drive!

Superstar90 · 29/09/2016 20:12

Showing true colours as he's showing he's not that generous - fair enough not to buy together when they've not been together that long but he should let her be insured on it so she can drive it.
Op it is your responsibility to conquer your fears not his.
I fear you two are always going to argue about money - 50/50 whilst he earns a lot more than you isn't going to work unless he's ok with living on your budget

JellyBelli · 29/09/2016 20:13

He has backtracked on everything he has said so far.

myownprivateidaho · 29/09/2016 20:15

I also think YABU. Crying in the evenings about your anxiety about driving is a pretty extreme anxiety or self esteem issue. And while of course your DP should be providing emotional support, it's not fair to expect him solve this issue. It's particularly unfair to expect him to solve it in the precise way you think is best and then be annoyed at him because he hasn't done this. Particularly when the way you think is best involves him giving driving lessons to a nervous and distressed loved one, which most people would find very difficult and upsetting.

I also actually think him taking you out for a drive "to get your confidence up" sounds like a terrible idea - it sounds like it's bound to cause upset, involve him in your self esteem issues, and possibly spark arguments. Just get some professional driving lessons, then at least you'll keep the negative emotions surrounding driving away from the relationship.

Viviene · 29/09/2016 20:16

I used to be a scary driver - I was truly shite and I really feel for anyone who was in a car with me at those terrifying times.
But I did ROSPA and it changed my life. I am a confident, calm and (most of the time) safe driver but I make mistakes every time I am on the road - everybody does but not everybody realizes they do.
Equally and in line with what other people have already said, not everybody is made for teaching people to drive. I never go in a car as a passenger with people I don't know and when I have to be driven by my dad it is the most stressful thing ever.
It is never a good idea for a partner to teach the other how to drive - you are in a small tin with emotions running high and people say things they don't mean. Get a driving instructor.
Everyone can learn how to drive. If I just bought a new, expensive car I wouldn't want anyone but me to drive it. So it might be nothing against you or your relationship - I understand his point of view.
50/50 split however sounds a bit unfair, do you think you could renegotiate?

HelloSunshines · 29/09/2016 20:18

Sorry OP, I feel sorry for you re lacking confidence when driving, but I also feel very sorry for your OH!

He's got a shiny new car and having taken you out twice, has realised now that you are (in your own words) anxious and rusty. I just can't blame him for not wanting to share the car with you or even (I'm sorry) take you out for driving lessons in his car, if you are so fearful.

What you need to do is get some refresher lessons with a driving instructor and build up your confidence that way. I doubt your OH is the right person to do it and actually it would be good for your confidence (and his) to do it by yourself. To be brutally honest, if you are that anxious and fearful over driving you shouldn't be on the road in anything but the hands of a professional driving instructor with dual brake control. They will be able to coach you in your weaker points and obviously have bags of experience of nervous/rusty drivers.

I really don't see how your OH not wanting to take you out on the road is a reflection of him being an arse and a knob and selfish and all the rest of it he's been called on him. For all you know, posters, OP really is very very unconfident on the road and OH has wisely realised it's just not a good idea.

Fedupwithknowitalls · 29/09/2016 20:21

At the end of the day a car is just metal and can be replaced if damage did occur when you were driving it. For me it is the fact that he seems to care more about an object than he does about your mental health. If he is not supportive now and helps you to conquer your fears when you are asking for help, what will it be like further down the line if you don't have that strength to ask for help?

Original poster

sillylionheart · 29/09/2016 20:27

Thank you for your replies. I think I needed to get a bit of a kick up the bum because I know I'm feeling a bit sensitive as of late and this was just one of those little things that seems like a big thing when you're not your usual self.

Thanks again - I really enjoyed reading the funny stories about people being crap too!

OP posts:

FlamingoSnuffle · 29/09/2016 20:32

I would seriously consider having refresher lessons with a professional driving instructor. Just because your DP can drive doesn't make him a good teacher.

My FIL had a stroke and couldn't drive so my MIL took over the driving. Whenever they were in the shared car together my FIL would always drive. So when she had to drive he was constantly telling her she was doing things wrong. She decided to have a refresher course with a driving instructor who politely told her that her husband was an arse and her driving was fine

So conquer your fears and pay for a couple of hours with a driving instructor.

To put things into perspective, I was on a learner plate on a brand new car that Dh and I bought before we were married. Dh trusted me enough to drive it without pranging it. I passed my test 3 weeks after we bought the car, and it helped having a little pootle around in the new car with Dh cheering me on.

Happyhippy45 · 29/09/2016 20:34

Get some driving lessons. I sat my test as an adult in the USA. (Automatic)
When I moved back to the uk I had to sit the uk test. I was very anxious about driving here and put it off for a long time. My DH offered to help "teach me" how to drive again. I had been driving for 8 years. No marriage should have to go through giving your spouse driving lessons twice
I passed my uk test a few years ago. Wish I'd gotten behind the wheel a lot sooner.
Being able to drive yourself about gives you more confidence and freedom.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/09/2016 20:36

I think moving in together at this stage is not a good idea. It's too early and ye are obviously not ready so slow things down. Get lessons. Buy an older and be independent. As people said it's not his role to fix your anxiety. Don't let yourself become a victim or you make attract the wrong kind of guy. Take control yourself. Lessons, counselling etc. Be in a good steady place when ye move in together so the relationship is more equal.

VelvetSpoon · 29/09/2016 20:48

I don't think you should expect him to take you out in his new car so you can get over driving anxiety.

I'm assuming it was a brand new car? So £10k or more? I don't get how you were going to buy the car jointly if you now buying an old banger to drive round in will wipe out your savings? How will buying a £500 car, and insuring it, leave you worse off than if you'd gone halves on a new car?!

Fwiw, my boyfriend has a newish car which cost nearly £20k. I passed my test earlier this year (though I'm in my 40s), he won't be letting me drive his car for at least a year, because he doesn't want it damages, also because he doesn't want me put under pressure, lose my ncb, etc - my car already has a few dents and knocks, one more wouldn't be a big deal. Whereas in his car it would have to be repaired, etc.

YelloDraw · 29/09/2016 20:50

When I was married we both contributed 75% of our salaries and kept 25% for personal spends

They've only been going out a year! Why should he subsidise her?

I don't think it is usual to go joint on something like a car after only a year. Get yourself some driving lessons with a real instructor and then pay to go on his is shrank eor get your own little car.

Sugarlightly · 29/09/2016 20:53

I agree with your OH - if you really want to drive, get your own car! You don't live together, just because your boyfriend can afford a car doesn't mean he has to let you drive it. If my DP thought I was going to wreck his car I wouldn't be allowed near it!

YeOldMa · 29/09/2016 20:56

If you haven't been driving for a while, maybe the insurance was exorbitant and he didn't realise this until he'd bought the car. None of the things you have described has necessarily flagged him up as being unreasonable/unsympathetic etc but what strikes me is that neither of you seem very communicative about your issues. If it were my OH, who is mainly brilliant, he would need an explicit message about what my concerns were and maybe he is similar.

steff13 · 29/09/2016 21:35

I agree with this. I've been driving for 20 years, and I've never owned a new car. If I ever got one, I wouldn't let someone who was anxious and fearful of driving drive it, or use it to learn on. That might make me a jerk, but I'm actually a very generous person. I just wouldn't be comfortable letting someone who wasn't confident use my new car.

HelloSunshines · 29/09/2016 22:08

BTW OP - when he let you drive it twice, did you not have any insurance then?

Original poster

sillylionheart · 29/09/2016 22:26

Re. the insurance Qs, when I drive it I buy temp cover.

OP posts:

TheProblemOfSusan · 29/09/2016 22:27

I haven't driven properly for donkey's years but really want to buy a car so am doing refresher lessons (using RED). They've been great - I was getting to the point where I was nervy and far too slow every time I went out but the instructor has been great and now I feel really confident and am driving much better. To the point where I feel experienced drivers could really do with a refresher every few years...

That said, I do feel that the posters who've suggested this is a red flag are on to something. At the very best, he's not confident about communicating effectively with you about this - perhaps he's scared about you breaking the car but he should say that and work on a plan with you, not shut it down and make you buy your own.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2016 06:40

I don't agree 50/50 necessarily sounds fair. It depends upon income. If he wants to rent a big place and buy expensive stuff for the house, eat lots of takeaways and then expects half from you, this may be way out of your reach. So he may need to contribute more to have the lifestyle of his choosing. It depends upon his character and what is important in life.

What I'm saying is that if he wants 50/50, it has to be within terms you can afford.

Right now, he doesn't seem the giving type and I'd be very wary of moving in with him. Dh and I have always pooled resources. Even when we basically both had no money before we married. This seems fair to me.

CPtart · 30/09/2016 06:55

50/50 doesn't sound fair if he has 'much much' more money than you. DH earns a lot more than me and we pay into a joint account a % of what we earn.
You've only been together a year and you're already crying every evening over his actions. Doesn't bode well. I'd be giving this relationship another 12 months at the very least before I even considered moving in. He's showing a couple of unattractive character traits already. And make sure your contraception is watertight.

dontwannapullahammie · 30/09/2016 07:17

I wouldn't have let you drive my brand new car either, that doesn't make me an arsehole necessarily. It's just that was my pride and joy and I'd be having kittens every time we went out in it and you drove it badly.

Your anxiety is not his problem

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