To think my OH has been a bit selfish

[sillylionheart]

I've been with my OH for a year. Known each other for four. He's due to move in with me very soon.

Earlier this year he bought a new car which I helped him choose. I went with him for the test drive, and spoke quite a bit with the sales rep etc. to make sure he would get a good deal.

Initially we were going to buy the car together, but my OH told me that there was no point in me contributing, but he'd be happy to put me on the insurance which I would pay for.

He let me drive it twice but after that said he would rather give me lessons before I get in again. I have a full license but don't drive that much and am a bit rusty, but didn't make any real blunders!

I have bad anxiety about driving and have spent a lot of evenings crying to him about the fact that I'm frustrated that I can't get out and about more because my fears are holding me back. He uses my driveway to park the car on every day, but I just feel a bit upset that he's never said to me "Come on, let's get you out for a drive to get your confidence up". I feel if the roles were reversed I'd do everything I could to help him be a bit happier and help him with something he has a problem with.

He's now said he doesn't want me insured on the car at all "because it was expensive", and suggested I buy my own. He knows that me buying a car would use up all of my savings and he has much, much more money than I do.

I know I'm probably being a bit over sensitive about this but would just like another perspective.

[leopardpuzzled]

If I was with someone less than a year and I'm not living with them, then buying an expensive car together came up I would be glad not to enter into that to be honest from your position.

I get anxious about driving other peoples cars and generally I'm not an anxious driver when im in my own so is that not just more added pressure on you that it's new, expensive and someone elses?

Might only be a hunk of metal and can be replaced but to some but to others it's more than that and it's not just about the car being damaged or the expense, not being able to get to work. It could also be the loss of life, yours or someone else's, It's not just about your driving but other peoples on the road. I wouldn't want my partner who is as anxious as you sound driving my car without professional assistance first even if they had previously passed their test for their own safety more than the money.

I couldn't think of something worse than OH trying to get my confidence back in his expensive brand new car or the role reversal of that, both on tenterhooks.

Insurance can go either way I've got 8 years full licence, 2 years no claims then stopped driving 2 years then have had to build up 4 years from scratch again. OH got a newer car it was going to cost over half what he pays again to add me to the insurance and we shopped around! I have a 1.2 and this is a 2.0 turbo diesel its a 7 seater to fit the kids in! not even a sports car! Couldnt pay that so I'm not on the insurance and I don't drive it

[pictish]

OP I'd just like to remind you that your autonomy and independence is priceless...guard it jealously.
You're moving in with this guy because you love him and want to share your life with him...that's cool. Don't be too quick to throw your lot in and become dependent on him though. A grown woman gets to grips with driving because she knows she can. If you hadn't met him what would you do? Right. So do that.

Run your own car. I know I've said it already but really really. It will provide you with total freedom of movement without relying on his car being available to you. He would always get priority over it and you'd naturally end up restricting your movements and opportunities to suit his needs and schedule, all to the detriment of your own. Don't accept that role. Be your own woman and get about on your own steam.
Word.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Quite often having others on your insurance actually brings the cost of the insurance down!!!
Have a look for yourself on-line on comparison sites.
See what it would be for him and then what it would be for both.
I bet it's hardly anything.

Do you own the house he is moving into?
Or do you rent?

[mouldycheesefan]

You are not ready to move in together.
Book yourself a refresher driving course. I sympathise because I am not a confident driver I only drive locally.
I don't think crying every night about it will help. Book some driving lessons that will boost your confidence.
In terms of getting out more, lots of people who don't have cars get out plenty. Walk get the bus cycle. Don't sit at home waiting for someone to provide you with a car. Be an independent woman!

[ShebaShimmyShake]

If your anxiety about driving is that bad, I don't blame him for being reluctant to let you drive or to become your refresher course driving instructor. And if you know you want him to come out driving with you, ask him. Don't expect him to be a mind reader.

You definitely don't sound ready to move in together. And 50:50 finances would be unfair if he earns much more.

[Ausernotanumber]

See the crying and all over driving ? Has he seen that? Because if I'd seen tha I'd not let you near my car because anxiety like that will affect your driving. I wouldn't want to sit beside you. And to be honest, all the jokes about teaching the wife to drive are cliches for a reason.

Why can't you just book some lessons? Really, having fine with him to choose the car isn't really relevant. I took my dad when I bought my car to give me a different perspective - doesn't mean he has rights over the car though.

[ElspethFlashman]

I dunno.....I can see his side here.

It's a bit early for all this, tbh. Not only the moving in, but all this car business. He's not your OH in my opinion, he's your boyfriend. And a boyfriend of not very bloody long when you, a very very anxious driver, asked to essentially share his brand new car.

And I wouldn't give you lessons either tbh. You're so anxious you're literally tearful - giving someone like that lessons would be my worst nightmare. Get some professional ones FFS!

And put the brakes on. He's a boyfriend of less than a year and your entitlement over this car thing is out of proportion to the length of your relationship.

[sillylionheart]

Thank you Pic - I need kicks up the bum like that!

[pictish]

P.s See an instructor for refresher lessons if you feel it's required.

[pictish]

1. Buy your own car - even if it's just a wee second hand runaround. This gives you total freedom from his schedule and means you can use your car whenever you like.
   

1. You've got a driving licence so get out there and drive. Why do you need him to puppy walk you through it? I understand you're nervous but there's only one way of combating that and that's to get on and do it. Having him sitting there observing (and no doubt criticizing) your every move will do nothing for your self assurance whatsoever. You need confidence in your own abilities...not his approval and guidance. Come on now!
   

1. He might be a bit of a selfish prick, yes.

[sillylionheart]

His half = what the insurance would cost without me on the policy. My half = what it would cost to add me to the policy.

[sillylionheart]

Aus - yes, that's what I would have done!

[Ausernotanumber]

But you should be paying the total cost to insure you on the car, surely? The total additional cost?

I agree with him that I'd prefer you had some refresher lessons first I'm afraid.

[sillylionheart]

He said he doesn't want me insured on it because the car was expensive, not the insurance, which I was going to pay my half of.

Thanks again. I've woken up feeling better today and know I AB a bit U!

[phillipp]

Personally I think Yabu.

I wouldn't let an anxious driver drive my new car.

I also don't feel that I would be the best places person to build their confidence in driving.

He has suggested you get some professional driving lessons. You want him to do it but your not want to ask, you want him to offer. If you want something say it. But he would not be unreasonable to say no.

I also think 50:50 is fine, unless he is pushing to rent somewhere beyond your budget. You haven't been together that long.

Set a budget of how much rent/ bills you can afford and stick to it. If he wants somewhere bigger or a better place, he can make up shortfall.

[Ausernotanumber]

How can it be too expensive if you were going to pay to be on the insurance?

[TheNaze73]

YABU. At the end of the day it's his car

[GeorgeTheThird]

I don't understand why you haven't just asked him for support, rather than hinting and crying and waiting for him to offer, then blaming him for not doing so.

[blueturtle6]

Two of my serious relationships would t let me drove their cars (despite having a licence) however the third and now DH loved his car and let me borrow it first time i asked, also traded it it for a family car too. Yes he's selfish and you need to think if this os just the tip of iceberg

[burnoutbabe]

50/50 sounds fine when they have just been dating a year.

Her costs won't increase when he moves in, she will be better off (assuming she is not kicking out a lodger).

If it is her house, I'd not even charge him rent, he can save towards a joint purchase in the future (and no risk he can claim any house price improvement).

Else 50/50 sharing for now, Revisit in future when they want another house and also how to pay for holidays - if they want 50/50 on holidays they have to have holidays that the less well off person can afford - or the other person pays more towards them.

Marriage/kids coming along of course changes things. But for now 50/50 seems fine for 2 working adults who are at the start of their relationship and working things out.

[ChuckBiscuits]

Well, if this IS the tip of the iceberg then you need to call a hault to him moving in. This is showing how he behaves and will only get worse [you are in the first year and already he doesn't trust you with his car, or he does but only when you pay for it. Nice.]

And yes 50/50 in finances where one earns much more is just wrong.

[dontwannapullahammie]

I wouldn't have let you drive my brand new car either, that doesn't make me an arsehole necessarily. It's just that was my pride and joy and I'd be having kittens every time we went out in it and you drove it badly.

Your anxiety is not his problem

[CPtart]

50/50 doesn't sound fair if he has 'much much' more money than you. DH earns a lot more than me and we pay into a joint account a % of what we earn.
You've only been together a year and you're already crying every evening over his actions. Doesn't bode well. I'd be giving this relationship another 12 months at the very least before I even considered moving in. He's showing a couple of unattractive character traits already. And make sure your contraception is watertight.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I don't agree 50/50 necessarily sounds fair. It depends upon income. If he wants to rent a big place and buy expensive stuff for the house, eat lots of takeaways and then expects half from you, this may be way out of your reach. So he may need to contribute more to have the lifestyle of his choosing. It depends upon his character and what is important in life.

What I'm saying is that if he wants 50/50, it has to be within terms you can afford.

Right now, he doesn't seem the giving type and I'd be very wary of moving in with him. Dh and I have always pooled resources. Even when we basically both had no money before we married. This seems fair to me.

[TheProblemOfSusan]

I haven't driven properly for donkey's years but really want to buy a car so am doing refresher lessons (using RED). They've been great - I was getting to the point where I was nervy and far too slow every time I went out but the instructor has been great and now I feel really confident and am driving much better. To the point where I feel experienced drivers could really do with a refresher every few years...

That said, I do feel that the posters who've suggested this is a red flag are on to something. At the very best, he's not confident about communicating effectively with you about this - perhaps he's scared about you breaking the car but he should say that and work on a plan with you, not shut it down and make you buy your own.