To have put it in the bin

[Lighthouseturquoise]

Please don't flame me as I'm feeling pretty shit atm, constructive advice welcome!

Struggling lately, I've got an 8 year old, a toddler and a dh working long hours, I'm finding the domestic drudgery challenging.

8 year olds room was a complete and utter tip. Every few months his dad and I go in and clean it with him from top to bottom, declutter, tidy, show him where to put things. Then I just ask him to keep on top of it day to day, I tell him exactly what to do and break it all down for him.

He leaves all the loss of his felt tip pens all over the floor, hides dirty clothes and socks down the side of the bed and in toy boxes, leaves games jumbled up and trashed, hides wet towels in the wardrobe, you name it it's there.

All he cares about is the games console and is generally getting cheeky. So I've banned it until further notice.

At the weekend once again we went in and sorted it all out, got rid of loads, believe me it should be really easy for him to keep tidy. He promised he'd put things away. I said if I found felts all over the floor with lids off I'd bin them.

This morning what do I find? Felt all over the floor with kids off. So I did, I binned them.

Of course he was upset and I feel awful but I'm so fed up of it, I want him to learn to appreciate things and look after things more.

It's not just felts it's all the games from the console and Nintendo ds that I find dumped everywhere.

You did the right thing OP. Clear, reasonable boundaries which have been clearly communicated is good parenting.

Sounds just like my 8 yr old dd. I go behind her, some of the time clearing it up, other times standing over her to put her dirty clothes away or hang up clothes she wore for an hour. If she leaves knickers around, the dog eats them - yuk.

I would have done exactly the same.

They need to know that you will carry out threats, if they ignore you there will be consequences.

Keep your chin up OP, we've all been there.

(I like the 15 minute warning sweetGrapes I'm nicking that )

YANBU

I felt particularly bad he was saying the blue felt was his only blue felt tip.

Tough, if it was that precious he'd have put the lid on and tidied it away. Plus chances are by the time he was going to use it again it would have dried out and would have to have been binned anyway.

I've been there and do this with my DC. They got a warning, I found pens with no lids, in the bin they went. You know what - they've never left a lid off a pen since. I also have a baby, lids left around are a choke hazard so I wasn't prepared to pussy foot around the issue.

You did the right thing!! I'd start a 5-minute tidy-up at the end of each day so he gets into the habit of doing it and then it never builds up. I'd also say no colouring in his bedroom either if he can't tidy up...

My DS Is 14 and exactly the same in terms of bedroom untidiness and mess!

He goes about a hundred miles an hour and leaves stuff absolutely everywhere! But at this age its batteries, wires, computer leads that mean nothing to me, iPhone paraphernalia you name it. My bug bear is him swiping batteries out of the remote control and losing the plastic back that snaps over the top of the batteries! Aggh!

He too leaves rubbish everywhere and I am constantly on his back about it. We bought him a big swing top bin and still he doesn't but his rubbish in it.

DH says to chill and he will snap out of the phase but I won't back down and will follow up on every single threat otherwise they will lose respect. I am slowly getting there. However I caught him playing a game on his phone whilst trying to go his maths homework and told him if he didn't turn it off, I'll take it off him. He sneaked it back on again so guess who lost his phone? I wavered slightly as I like to be able to contact him if I need to especially in an emergency but one day won't hurt.

The point is, you have absolutely done right in following through with your threat. Even though you feel guilty as hell, you HAVE to do it.

I have an 8yo, 5yo and 3yo. I hear you on the domestic drudgery front!!

However I can't believe that your 8yo's room gets in that sort of state. Not flaming, just being honest.

You need a laundry basket, or at least get DCs to pile up that day's clothes on the landing ready to be taken downstairs to washing machine. There's no reason at all to have dirty clothes stuffed in his room. He gets undressed - dirty clothes go in laundry basket on landing, or if you haven't room, designate a single spot, maybe outside the bathroom door.

He should have one towel at a time. After bath, he hangs it up to dry - we have a wall peg in our 8yo's room for that. Where would your DS hang up his towel to dry? Is there a place?

Keep the felt tips and other toys downstairs and not in his room. He has to draw downstairs and put away before going to bed. Same for the other toys that are in bits. Buy some big stackable plastic boxes and keep them out of his room for a bit.

Overall it sounds like your DS simply has got too much stuff going on in his room. Take away more of the toys to stack downstairs in boxes where you can keep an eye on them.

Start from the basis that your DS should have in his room: Bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers. Peg for towel, bags, dressing gown. One shelf or bookcase for toys and books. Not too many of them. Box of special/cuddly toys. If he likes Lego, put up a shelf for special models. Keep it far more minimalist and it will never get untidy (not more than 5 minutes of tidying, literally).

Link games time to making his bed. Limit games time altogether. I honestly don't think they are bad, but they seem to make DCs stroppy.

When I was young, my shared bedroom with my sister was a mess. But my mum was highly untidy herself, we didn't have adequate storage or the right kind of storage (even somewhere to hang up wet towels to dry) so she'd come in, yell about the state of the place, shout at us to tidy up and get these wet towels out of here - but she wouldn't actually have anywhere for wet towels to dry, or the tidied toys to go . That's why I keep my DCs rooms very easy to tidy with minimal furniture and not piles of toys and stuff going on. Hope this helps.

Andie re the batteries, we have a big plastic tub stocked up with all kinds of batteries, mainly the popular AA and AAA ones. Your DS need never take batteries out of the remote again if there's a big tub full of new ones to hand! Taking batteries out of something else makes me think you don't keep many spares in the house. Get masses of them in, instead of one or two packets that get used quickly.

Definitely not unreasonable! Would he find it easier to keep tidy if he had to tidy it every day, so it never gets too messy. For instance he could do it after school before dinner. You'll probably have to sit in with him telling him to pick up clothes, tidy up pens etc, but it might be less stressful for everyone. Good luck!

I am of two minds about messy rooms. I feel that it is their space and they can have it as they like - eventually they learn that being a little more organised makes good sense. But when it spills over into he rest of the house it is a problem.

My advice would be to tell him he can have his room as he wants (but you will not come and clean it for him) but there are conditions. Any of his stuff left in an untidy fashion around the house will be simply dumped in his room on the floor.

And he must bring his washing down or it will not be washed. As he is still young I would remind him to do this.

Also no food in his bedroom as this is a health hazard.

I have taken this approach with my teenagers and the older one is finally starting to make an effort in his room and cleans it every week - my younger one is still happy to live in a tip - but is starting to get better. She brings her clothes for washing and brings her plate and cups down.

At the end of the day it is their space - the only one they have in the house that should feel like theirs alone. You going in are raiding it of all their precious things and chucking it all out is not something we would accept in any other circumstance. teach them responsibility, but also realise they should have control over their own possessions - even if that means ruining them.

Also Andie - take your DS's phone off him before he starts his homework. Make it a new rule - be all brisk and businesslike about it, say there's no discussion, you' don't need to talk about it with him because it's as simple as he hands over the phone and he gets it back once homework complete and he's shown you the pages. Win-win! He'll be dying to get the phone back. If he won't co-operate, say you'll take the phone anyway and he won't get it back until the morning.

I wouldn't have binned them. I would however have left them with the lids off so he could see an absolute consequence of not putting the lids back on. A dried out felt tip is a disaster to a small child

There is mess and there is a health hazard. Mess, leave and pull the door shut and they will either forever be a pit wallower or come to a realisation that the fairies are no longer there to do their bidding, so they will have to get on with it! Maybe make a quick run in to get washing / remove bio-hazards, but the rest leave and if their school uniform is creased they have to wear it and maybe peer pressure will get the message through to them. If stuff is everywhere, reduce the stuff! Felt pens with no lids, then only purchase colouring pencils, as if they can't look after them then stop throwing money away on them and get something that won't dry up. Never, ever, ever fail to carry out a threat regarding sanctions and throwing stuff away / bans, otherwise from this day forth it is worthless. Chores - do they do chores elsewhere in the house to earn money / pocket money? If not, start this and when not carried out, hold onto the money. Electronic devices - not in bedrooms and I would disconnect wi-fi too after a certain hour for all members of the household, although you could reconnect when they are asleep. Bedrooms are not for eatting or places to go so you don't have to interact with the rest of the human race, or to carry out virtual communications, so zone them differently perhaps.

Hellosunshine we do have a laundry basket, it's on the landing right outside his room. I tell him to use it, I follow him round, but the minute I'm not behind him, he dumps clothes and socks.

This is his bedroom situation. He has his bed, a wardrobe with drawers underneath, a chest of drawers. Then he has a chest type toy box, and one of these www.next.co.uk/g535308s1#398415 but bigger and wider and with plastic tubs instead of fabric, then an open toy basket.

His chest of drawers is large and he has a drawer for literally everything, trousers, tshirts, socks, pants. Then one drawer is allocated to felts, pens, pencils and paper., one of for swimming kit, school uniform. All the toys have an easily accessible place.

Towels are supposed to be hung over the upstairs banister to dry and reuse. Ds has his own towels, I even put it on the shelf in the bathroom ready for him. He has an evening shower, I put towel out for him, and pyjamas I then either go to bath the toddler or clear up after dinner while dh baths the toddler.

Ds is supposed to put clothes straight in the basket and so on. When I send him to pick up this is obviously when he's shoving stuff everywhere.

Oops excuse typos - note to self, read it before posting!

Jacques that would just be deliberately unkind - the binning after being warned is demonstrating consequences instead.

After school he has swimming, football and Cubs. He gets in from school, grabs some fruit then goes straight outside to play football until dinner and clubs. I send him to get changed for cubs or football and this is when he gets away with chucking clothes around. I don't always have time to deal with it there and then because I'm making dinner and rushing back out with him and the toddler to get to his clubs.

YANBU.

I have an 8 year old and we have similar issues. I generally let him keep his toys out over the room for about a week or 2, then he gets told to tidy his room. He likes to set up lego scenes and large car parks so I don't want to make him put it all away each day as by the time he sets it up, he doesn't get much time to play with it.

However, his dirty clothes are driving me mad. He gets pocket money each week. In order to get the full amount he is supposed to take his dishes to the kitchen and put his dirty clothes in the washing basket and make sure his other clothes are hung on the back of his chair, not screwed up in a ball. Dishes aren't too bad, although he is getting lazier lately. The washing though, I can't remember the last time he had his full pocket money! I'm constantly finding dirty socks and underwear stuffed in places. The washing basket is in the bathroom which he has to walk past every time he leaves his room. Even when I remind him he says he will do it later then doesn't. He is getting very stroppy about not getting his full money but I remind him that he is responsible for that. Of course he doesn't see it that way.

However, in general he isn't too messy. He has a desk with pen pot, magazine holder, little wooden set of drawers and bin and he's pretty good at keeping all that in order. He loves having a bin and will always put rubbish in it. I don't allow food or drinks upstairs at all. Regular tidying has to be done. I wouldn't let it get to that state in the first place if I'm honest. I occasionally tidy for him and I make his bed but ultimately, it's his job to tidy up and we make him do it. We also have no games consoles during the week, weekends only and then they are on a time limit or he would be on them all day if we let him.

I'd buy him pencils and say he can't be trusted with felt tips if he keeps leaving them like this. Mine doesn't do this with the lids, what about a nice pencil case or pen pot he likes? Mine really likes both of his and puts them away, occasionally leaving them on his desk if he is doing some drawing. If you can't do that, say no pens upstairs at all, downstairs only where he can be supervised.

This sounds exactly like my 9 year old DS. We blitz his room but I then start seeing clothes all over the floor; pens and books everywhere. We have a no food policy upstairs but I will find empty crisp packets hidden under his pillow. I have tried everything to get him to keep it tidy. I have confiscated consoles but the only thing that really works is if I secretly switch off the wifi. My DD who is 7 says she like her room messy......because she can find things!

Maybe move the storage unit with plastic boxes somewhere else for a while, if you have the room to put it downstairs temporarily maybe? He will still have the chest toy box plus a toy basket. I think he needs to see his room looking more bare, so he gets a sense of it being completely plain and tidy on a daily basis. Definitely take out all the toys with bits from his room, if for a few weeks just to simplify everything. He won't feel as overwhelmed keeping a few bits tidy as he would do a whole room full of toys etc.

My DS knows to put his dirty clothes on the pile on the landing, hang up wet towel and he knows not to stuff dirty things in wardrobes etc but he is still prone to tipping out masses of Lego, leaving it out all over the floor and then moaning about not wanting to tidy it. Sometimes I make him do it, sometimes we tidy together and sometimes I just do it myself, it depends on how I feel. His room is tidied every day though, either by me or him, but it never takes longer than 5 minutes as the storage is simple and the toys in there have been simplified.

Harrypotter he has pencil cases. One for felts, one for pencil crayons, a box for craft things, paper, then I made him up a nice minions pencil case with special things for school homework. I asked him to keep that one nice and together but it's all been trashed and lost.

He has a large drawer for all that type of stuff.

He's not allowed food in his room but leaves banana skins downstairs, of course I make him pick them up, but why even do it? He knows they go in the bin.

He's absolutely not allowed the games console in the week only weekends, but then it was ruining weekends. He's allowed to get up by himself at 7am and make his cereal, but he was getting up so early at times, once at 5am to get on the console. Then he was arguing about coming off it and generally not wanting to do anything else.

We genuinely have nowhere else to take that out of his room.

It's a two bed newish build house with kitchen/diner, lounge, 2 beds and a bathroom.

We've already got the toddlers toys in our own bedroom in a big basket.

The bookcase is under the stairs.

The bedrooms are quite big 17ft X 10ft, his room is the width of the house so he has a lot of floor space.

Can you not let him go out until he's tidied up?

Leave the stud exactly where it is and make it a condition of going out to play that he tidies it himself?

My DS 11 is like this and he can't leave the house or watch TV before his room is tidy. It's the day to day crap that he leaves lying around that has got me to this stage as it builds up and then it's s job that takes ages. He has s bin and s laundry basket in his room too.

Just need to get him to learn to flush his bloody toilet and we'll be halfway there!

Can you not let him go out until he's tidied up?

Leave the stud exactly where it is and make it a condition of going out to play that he tidies it himself?

My DS 11 is like this and he can't leave the house or watch TV before his room is tidy. It's the day to day crap that he leaves lying around that has got me to this stage as it builds up and then it's s job that takes ages. He has s bin and s laundry basket in his room too.

Just need to get him to learn to flush his bloody toilet and we'll be halfway there!

There's a great book called "Setting Limits For Your Strong Willed Child" and it's brilliant for situations like this. It's well worth a read.