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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are there any reasons to have a second child?

56 replies

sampras · 27/09/2016 19:10

I will keep this brief.

I would like a second DC but DH would like to stop at one. I was previously fine with this but would now like another one. I have spoken to DH about it and he is taking time to think it over but has said he does not think he will want to. His main argument is that he is 40 (he thinks too old), our DC is in school so we would be going back to the baby stage and it is basically a lot of work. He is an amazing father. I am not intending to try to force him but in our discussions, it has been strangely hard to come up with good reasons to do it all again! I wonder if anyone has any inspiring arguments to back up my request that we go back to sleepless nights, nursery fees and baby sick?

OP posts:

AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 20:27

Was your first child planned, or a happy surprise? Some men just can't get their head around deciding to create another human being.
Not really helpful, just a thought...

Whatsername17 · 27/09/2016 20:31

I'm in the same position as you. I have a 5yo dd who is at school. We have a lovely, easy life after a difficult time during the baby stage. I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant and have, on occasion questioned my sanity at 'starting again'. The only reason I can give you is the only reason dh and I have for going in for a second child: I just want one. There is no rationale I just want to do it all again, as does dh who has wanted a second baby for the last 3 years. Good luck!

Runningbutnotscared · 27/09/2016 20:35

I can tell you as a proud owner of a toddler and baby that the baby stage is everything you remember - bloody hard work indeed. But on the other hand it is also really really wonderful.

I have a sister who is eight years older than me and tbh we have never really got on. We have nothing in common. But when my dad passed away earlier this year she was a tower of strength and our shared past helped us to get through the start of the grieving process.
I can only hope my children will be there for each other when my time comes.

minipie · 27/09/2016 20:35

Why did your DH want to have your existing DC? That was going to be hard work too, yet he did it. I guess because at that point he just really wanted a child so all the logic went out of the window?

Having children is basically a triumph of heart over logic. If his heart isn't telling him he wants another child I'm not sure there is much you can do with logic.

Can you win over his heart? Does he have a sibling - if so, probably deep down that's the kind of family he's always pictured - work on that. Ask him what he wants his family to look like in 10 years, 20 years. Ask him how he sees Christmases etc. If you can get him to want two children long term then you can get him to recognise the baby stage is short term pain for long term gain. But you have to persuade him of the long term gain first.

Original poster

sampras · 27/09/2016 20:37

First child was planned yes. DH was unsure at first but decided to go for it and he has really loved it. But we both have careers and life is busy, it is hard to imagine where we would find the time and energy at the moment for another baby. However although it would be an adjustment I do feel that we could adapt to it. I really do hope he comes around and decides he is up for it again. Congratulations Whatusername and I'm glad it has worked out for you.

OP posts:

MuddlingMackem · 27/09/2016 20:37

sampras , FWIW when we just had DC1 I felt like we were a couple with a child, it wasn't until we had DC2 that I felt we were a family. DH however, felt we were a family with DC1. It may simply be that you feel like I did and your DH is on the same page as mine.

As it happens, we'd agreed on two before we even had one so no disagreements about having a second. :)

Original poster

sampras · 27/09/2016 20:39

minipie that is very wise advice. Its a good question- why he wanted the first one. I'm not really sure! I was much more certain and he took time to get used to the idea. But I don't actually know what changed his mind, I need to talk to him about that. His own family is relatively large but he isn't overly involved with them so maybe that makes it harder for him to see the benefits.

OP posts:

dairymilkmonster · 27/09/2016 20:42

ds1 is 5, ds2 is 1. We have exactly 4 years between them. So far it is going okay.....
Didn't plan the gap, it was just how work commitments, work related exams and then TTC for ages panned out.
My mum and aunt (no other siblings) are 10.5 yrs apart and get on really well, my sister and I are 3 years apart and have never bonded.
I think it is pot luck really, but the social/sharing aspect shoukd always be beneficial.

QuackDuckQuack · 27/09/2016 20:43

We teetered on the brink for a while before deciding to have DD2. We have a 4.5 year age gap. DD2 has enriched our family enormously. DD1 has a great relationship with her. She's great fun and much like what DD1 was like. The decision isn't really about having another baby. The baby period is fleeting. It is about another child. I think for me there were so many great experiences when DD1 was a baby/toddler/young child that I didn't want to just do it once.

HeCantBeSerious · 27/09/2016 20:44

My feelings towards my younger sibling are extremely complex, but it's not too strong to say we've hated each other since not long after she was born. We'd both prefer to have been only children and did grow up separately despite living in the same house.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 20:58

HeCantBeSerious that sounds difficult

HeCantBeSerious · 27/09/2016 22:07

A bit. Especially as DH thinks he's close with his siblings. Took a huge effort on his part to persuade me to have a second child.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 22:17

That's so interesting, I'm quite happy with one for similar reasons. It's so funny how we fear history will repeat itself. How do your DC get along?

HeCantBeSerious · 27/09/2016 22:21

Not bad at the moment. (DD is 7 and DS is 5.). I think they're different enough yet similar enough to get on okay, but only time will tell!

AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 22:23

I hope they do. Hopefully your experience can help you to guide them a bit if things get off course.

DeadGood · 27/09/2016 22:33

HeCantBeSerious do you mind saying what your age gap was?

kavvLar · 27/09/2016 22:34

With the benefit of a little hindsight (3.9 yr age gap between Dds now 6 and 2) us having DD2 was a very good thing for DD1.

Depends on the child of course but DD1 needed lots of attention, one to one, and I suspect would have been spoiled absolutely rotten by us on her own. With DD2 she's had to learn to share time and attention, and to realise that the world does not solely revolve around her and her whims. She's a more pleasant child because of it.

As Pps have said it is very difficult to apply logic to having children. I hope you find an answer that suits you both.

SEsofty · 27/09/2016 22:48

My parents were divorced, and I am an only child. When my father died it was the loneliest experience ever.

Now I have no one to talk to about him or to share memories with.

It made me determined that if possible I would have more than one child.

fadingfast · 27/09/2016 22:59

I grew up with a sibling who I am now pretty close to and I think that's way I always imagined having two children. I do think it brings a much different dynamic to the family unit than a couple with a single child (although I sometimes envy the tightness of the 3-person family). A friend of mine is an only child and both of her parents died within a space of a few years and she had very little other family to support her through what was a very difficult time. She is in the process of separating from her DH and has no close cousins or aunts/uncles. I know she feels very alone.
Having said that, my DH has three siblings who he is not close to and who did nothing to support him in the care of their mother in her final few months. So siblings are obviously no guarantee of securing a close family connection into adulthood. But my view is that (generally) if you have the option of having a second child it creates more opportunities for establishing closer family relationships.

justpeachy74 · 27/09/2016 23:03

For me having a second child was very much a long term thing.

We had agreed on two to begin with but were very happy with our first. After getting over the initial shock of parenthood having one was very manageable and enjoyable.

However, my oh and I had both lost our fathers in our late teens and early 20s. My DM passed away when DD was 1. I think this loss was a major trigger for me. I have a small family. Both my parents were only children so no aunts/uncles/first cousins but I do have one brother. I found having a sibling a huge benefit/support as my DM aged and then passed away.

My DM had said to me a couple of times not to just have one child. She didn't expand on that but I guess it was based on her experience.

I really wanted my DD to have someone to share her history with.

There's a 6 year gap between my two which is bigger than I hoped for but there are pros as well as cons to it. I think my eldest is still in that transition period of going from being an only to being one of two even now her sister is two because she still remembers being just us three. Most of the time they get on well but we have our ups and downs.

Minipie made some excellent points earlier up thread.

HeCantBeSerious · 27/09/2016 23:56

Just under 3 years.

blinkowl · 28/09/2016 00:09

Having a second child was important to me so DS had someone else in the world who understood his family life and where he's coming from.

My sister and I aren't amazingly close although we are very fond of each other. We fought a lot as children. But I'm so glad she's there, she understands me and our parents in a way that no one else does and has been supportive at some tough times in my life.

I wanted a sibling for DS so he has immediate family as an adult, other than us, and especially when DP and I get old, to share the burden. I'd also like both my children to have the chance of having nieces and nephews.

Selfishly - when we're old, we'll have more chance of the younger generation being there for us - or even just visiting occasionally! - if we have two children, and twice as many possibilities for grandchildren. My parents and the ILS both have two DC, but only one had kids. They get so much pleasure from the grandchildren. If they'd stopped at one they might have missed out on that.

Also, I wanted DS to have someone to play with, and although they are 4.5 years apart they do play together really nicely sometimes.

DP admitted to me (a bombshell) after we had DD that he hadn't actually wanted a second child, he just went along with the idea. However he's so glad we did now, he adores DD and she adores him.

Beebeeeight · 28/09/2016 00:12

I had dc2 to give dc1 a sibling as I hated being an only.

They are now older and do have a strong bond but dc1 would probably have been better off in hindsight without a sibling. (Just a personality thing)

LBOCS2 · 28/09/2016 00:17

One of my friends is only child. Both her parents have passed away. She said it was awful going through it and not having a sibling to share her grief, talk over what to do with the stuff that was left in the house etc.

This was almost the entire reason that DH and I now have DD2.

My DSIS and I lost DM in 2014. We're not closed to DDad (they divorced when we were young, he has been around but didn't bring us up like mum did), and it completely knocked us for six. DM wasn't unwell - it was very unexpected - and neither of us were out of our twenties at that point; it was young to lose a parent even though we were both adults.

I couldn't bear the idea of DD1 going through that on her own. I'm married, DSIS was and is single, but we really came together and have grown much closer as a result of it. She has helped hugely and I hope I've helped her.

LucyBabs · 28/09/2016 00:19

Having a second child doesn't mean the siblings will be close or even get along when they are adults. You could both die and neither child will be a support to each other so they will still be "alone" in their grief with no support.

I have 6 siblings.. I don't talk to or see four of them.
Personally I'd only have another child because I wanted to, not because it might be good for a first born dc.

My dd was 3 when ds was born.. She didn't look at him or accept he was actually real until he was 2

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