Or is it really ok to praise your children?

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Inspired by a thread where someone stated their DM was too positive about them while growing up. They didn't say any more than that but I'm wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience?

Having had a super critical/nasty DM who hugely impacted my self-confidence I can't help but do the opposite with my children and let them know how much I adore them.

I know there are a few books around at the moment which say you're setting your kids up to fail if you praise them too much, but to me they really are amazing so I tell them what I think honestly. AIBU?

Have you been on the receiving end of lots of love and praise? Never told you're fat or wouldn't be good at some things so don't bother? How has the praise affected you?

I'd see it as smiling.

Sometimes we don't feel like it, but if we do force ourselves to smile, then we can feel happier.

Thinking of nice things to say rather than nasty, may feel forced at first, but it does change how our brain works.
Soon, your first thoughts are likely to be nice.

Oh God, this is something else I'm sure I'm getting wrong. My poor son is going to be totally screwed up as an adult

I think primary schools have created a situation where children are praised for little everything they do and cannot take any criticism at all. I've had many a homework battle with my DCs when I've said in the nicest possible way that they've made a mistake or that something is wrong leading to massive meltdowns.

The constant praise at school looses its impact after a while and older kids can actually find it a bit patronising. When this is coupled with little or no direct criticism children we are in danger of raising a generation of special snowflakes that will struggle in further education and the working world.

I'm all for praise whenever it's due. It is very important but it's not the only factor in developing good self esteem. I let my children know that I love them unconditionally and that if they do something wrong I will tell them and help them to improve because my job as a parent to teach them and help them reach their potential.

I had the opposite experience with primary school and DD. Her teacher managed to get through a whole year without saying one positive thing about DD to me. I'd imagine that DD heard very few as well. DD did come home saying she is stupid, a cheat, not a good girl, not good at things. If there is a hell, Mrs Kindergarten Teacher will be there, trapped in a school with 20 of my child to teach for ever. Because it is clearly her worst nightmare.

Now she has a smiling, positive teacher. It is all balanced by home. I have what one parenting expert says, "an unrelentingly positive story about my child". We talk about the behaviours, whether thanking good or working on less desirable. But the child is loved at all times, very fiercely. It balances rotten shits in their lives like that teacher but also gushy praisers, like her current teacher.

Funny DD2 has come back from school today with a sticker saying 'well done superstar'. I asked her what it was for and she rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed and said 'sitting nicely'

I suspect to much of anything isn't healthy.

My in laws raised their sons to believe they could do wrong and it's certainly led to them being unable to take responsibility for their own actions and constantly blaming others for things that go wrong for them.

Also- anyone who doesn't like them/ doesn't get on with them is jealous. That leads to
Pretty entitled behaviour because you can always dismiss those who challenge it as jealous

My mother was very praise-y (still is) and I think it made me a bit too reliant on it. I have always sought praise throughout my life which is not really a very attractive trait. My dad is more reserved. A "well done, darlin'" from him means the world.
Ultimately I feel very grateful to have supportive parents who are proud of me, so I would conclude that it is better to err on the side of too much praise than too little.

I agree with the posters saying it's best to praise what the child can control (ie behaviour such as hard work) rather than the achievement (coming top of the class, which is obviously dependent on how good the rest of the class is). But there's clearly scope for enjoying the achievement too - I'd be a cold parent if my child genuinely achieved something remarkable and all I focussed on was the effort.

And "enjoyment" is a key word - not just me being proud as a parent, but helping them to enjoy a success, to feel good about themselves, but be resilient enough to know that they won't always succeed, and can still feel a sense of worth.

Totally agree with maragaretcavendish post about leading by example to promote good self esteem. My parents praised us lots and still do, were very affectionate and loving and there didn't seem to be much sibling rivalry, which was good. I don't have high self esteem, but I do quite like the person I am- I just believe in trying to stop some of my bad habits. I do however seek approval, and worry about what others think more than I probably should!

In comparison, DP's parents were very affectionate and did a lot for him but they didn't and still don't praise him. He can't remember one example of being praised by them. He is quite anxious and has low self esteem, which holds him back quite a lot at work particularly. I think they were worried about raising cocky people so much!

We're basically not limiting praise at all, just trying to praise effort and behaviour mainly. As long as my DS feels loved and supported I will feel ok about it, I have no idea where the "right" level of praise is.

A very gentle "maybe next time you could try... " (after praising their effort, of course) seems to be a good way of going about that. It also works for those times that they're failing to do what they're trying to do and getting frustrated.
(Oh, and if they come to you with a fantastic work of art and you can't tell what it's meant to be - "tell me about this drawing/picture/sculpture/thing" works wonders. They may even tell you which way up it goes.)
Yep I do the latter bit and will try the former suggestion!

Re praise sounding inauthentic - actually just asking a question is the best thing to do. So if your child comes up to you with a drawing which is difficult to interpret, then I ask them to tell me about the picture and which bit they like the best and why. Then I can say which colours I like etc.

Re sarcasm - I'm very sarcastic myself. I just don't ever direct it towards the DCs - that is what I am less tolerant of as I get older

Is it better to say that we are proud of them (implying they do it for us) or that they should be proud of themselves (implying they should be doing it for themselves and the satisfaction it gives them)?

I think a balance of both is good.

If you say you are proud of them, hopefully it encourages security that their mum thinks a lot of them.

If you say that they can be proud of themselves for this thing, then hopefully you're encouraging them to develop their own sense of (justified) pride in themselves and self confidence.

I see it as moving from pleasing mum to developing pride in their own work.

I'm trying to balance that with honest and reasonable gentle feedback when their work could be better, so that they develop a sense of when they've done their best and when they could try harder themselves.

I suspect it depends on the child too. Our very sensitive older needs praise, the (admittedly much younger) one needs praise but I suspect it'll be less a matter of self esteem for him, and more a matter of fine tuning his own awareness of good/bad work. Praise also lets him know that he's very much loved, at this stage.