Or is it really ok to praise your children?

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Inspired by a thread where someone stated their DM was too positive about them while growing up. They didn't say any more than that but I'm wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience?

Having had a super critical/nasty DM who hugely impacted my self-confidence I can't help but do the opposite with my children and let them know how much I adore them.

I know there are a few books around at the moment which say you're setting your kids up to fail if you praise them too much, but to me they really are amazing so I tell them what I think honestly. AIBU?

Have you been on the receiving end of lots of love and praise? Never told you're fat or wouldn't be good at some things so don't bother? How has the praise affected you?

What I do:
Celebrate achievements simply and enthusiastically. A top grade will get a delighted 'well done' in every case, but it will be that bit more emphatic for my ds2, especially in subjects in which he struggles, than for my effortlessly-top-grade-earning dc1. OTOH a good grade/time etc in PE gets a more emphatic response when it's ds1's, as he is less sporty and really has to put effort in.
Praise specifically - again with more emphasis when it's something they struggle with. E.g. trumpet practice 'I've never heard you play that so well, you did the rhythm of that tricky bit brilliantly'.
Like MrsTP, a lot of thanking, esp for behaviours I want to encourage. I say thank you whenever they do something I have asked them to, but if it's done well or they went above and beyond, they get a 'Thank you for emptying the dishwasher, it was really helpful, and good teamwork with your brother too'.
I do criticise, also as specifically as possible and I hope not destructively. My ds2 struggles with spelling and with copying out (we are in Germany so the latter is a Big Thing in schools - let's leave aside what I think about that right now) and I will say to him 'darling, we need to redo this, it's a mess', but that's because it really will be a mess and he needs to be aware of how it appears. I do tell him why it's a mess - 'look, there are lots of errors here, if you look at each word carefully before you copy it you can avoid them'. And then he gets masses of praise if he redoes it well.

My parents praised me and valued my achievements. I now have healthy self esteem without (I hope!) being a show off. I'm trying to replicate this with my DC.

I'll never forget when I was about 12 asking my mum if I was pretty and her answering "no, not really". I think she followed it up with something about having other qualities but I just heard the first bit.

I definitely try to make my children feel good about themselves but for me it isn't so much about praise exactly. It's more a general behaviour - being glad to see them, asking them what they think, etc. Just normal loving parent stuff (I do praise them too!)

I have a friend who is overly positive / praising of her kids, by which I mean she will praise for normal stuff or praise only her children when they have done something with others (make a cake, put on a wee show) and the children are quite selfish. I think "empty" praise over inflates ego and concrete praise builds self-esteem.

Certainly effort over things that they fall into doing well. I find I praise my children differently depending on what they find tricky. Eldest (8) gets praise if he's kind rather than competitive, if he walks properly (has gait issues), if he's thinking of others rather than himself. Youngest (6) gets praise for having courage and trying something new, for persevering despite frustration, for saying hello to someone he doesn't know. Obviously those are just examples not exhaustive. Growth mindset is hugely important, look it up if you haven't heard of it. Attributes such as clever, pretty, wonderful, are not fixed and immutable. Sometimes you have to think of new specific effoet-based ways to say something, ie instead of "you're such a good reader", "I can tell you were listening hard in your English lessons, well done."

Give Detailed genuine praise. Praise for effort, kindness and similar rather then just achievement

Yes, I was over praised and used to hide the good things I did from my parents because I was sick of being told how great I was. But do you know what? I grew into an extremely happy and very confident adult with lots of self esteem.

I think people need to stop blindly following fads and theories on how to raise kids and just think! Children need to feel secure (and confident) so they need rules and consistancy and they need to feel loved and wanted so they need to be shown love and praise. End of story. There's a million ways to DO the two above things but people get so caught up in the 'methods' I find they seriously drop the ball on those two things (for example discipline because they're afraid of seeing their child upset).

And all this stuff about not t calling a child naughty, call their action naughty or whatever.... It's bullshit. I was a child who was sometimes naughty. I got told I was naughty. I wasn't stupid! I could understand I was naughty and it didn't lead me into a self esteem cycle of thinking I was naughty for the rest of my life! I actually had a brain and could comprehend things myself even though I was just a child.

Stop treating kids like they have no ability to think and understand and just show them love and rules.

My dad had a cry critical upbringing so went the opposite way with us.

The problem with too much praise is that it can become empty and it doesn't build resilience if it is given generally. I often see the top sets at work (secondary school) give up when they don't get something straight away as they've always been told they're good at everything so when they aren't they don't bother trying.

I think praise needs to be specific to whatever task it is, especially if it's a new skill which is what I try to do with DD "Wow, you worked really hard and can pedal your bike/ use your brakes/ swim under water". Whereas my Dad praises her completely over the top for everything and things she's been able to do for ages.

"I also am careful not to provide constructive criticism as they're too young and that's not my job. Maybe because it's something I'm quite sensitive about. Eg "you should have done this instead" isn't very nice."
A very gentle "maybe next time you could try... " (after praising their effort, of course) seems to be a good way of going about that. It also works for those times that they're failing to do what they're trying to do and getting frustrated.
(Oh, and if they come to you with a fantastic work of art and you can't tell what it's meant to be - "tell me about this drawing/picture/sculpture/thing" works wonders. They may even tell you which way up it goes.)

"I hate sarcasm and get less tolerant of it as I age especially when used towards the DCs."
Not only does my mother not allow sarcasm, she doesn't even pick up on it a lot of the time. I once had to point out that 'Grandma doesn't do sarcasm' - my then 12 year old promptly turned to my mum, and asked, "how did you even get in this family?" A fair point, I'll be honest - but it's a skill, like swearing, you have to know when it's appropriate.

There's a big difference between being overly critical and judgemental and over praising.

I grew up with 2 very loving, supportive parents who saw it is their role to support and guide me but not to be my friend or 'make me happy'. I was told and knew without a doubt by their actions that their love was unconditional on my achievements and behaviour and I guess that is massively important. Telling your children they are loved and worthy of love regardless of their achievements and behaviour is the bedrock of self esteem.

I praise my children loads! Loads and loads! I praise them for their kindness, generosity, empathy and resourcefulness as much as their successes and achievements. I always ask them if they feel proud of themselves and tell them I am pleased FOR them when they master a new skill for eg. And I bore them telling them how much I love them. But I tell them I love them even when I'm cross or grumpy or tell them off.

I am very careful to let my children know they don't have to be 'the best' or come first. They don't have to 'win' or beat others. They don't need to be the cleverest or fastest or finish first.

Today's society and education system falsely equates worth with being 'better' than everyone else. In my experience, the people I look up to and enjoy the friendship of may not be 'the best' at anything except generosity, thoughtfulness, kindness, being funny, interesting, or well read or travelled and I think it's v important we keep sight of that in these 'results' obsessed times.

The very fact you're thinking about this means you're miles away from your parents :)

My mother overpraised me to the skies and still does, but I think she was trying to make up for my abusive father who was always calling me a piece of shit and wishing me dead. (Clue, mother: leaving him would have been more effective.) As a result, I veer between thinking I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, and that I am the most worthless piss stain on the earth, with no middle ground.

I think NT children see through empty praise and then it becomes counter productive. I think too much praise over inflates the ego and causes narcissism

I agree strongly with this and observed it frequently when I was a teacher.

I praised effort, thought process, and organisation, not end product.

YY to specific comments, not general 'how lovely dear'. Same goes for criticism - it was a case of telling them what I expected and showing them where they had fallen short, along with encouragement to try a different tack next time.

For behaviour, I gave pep talks before we went places, we struck a deal, and I congratulated the DCs if they held up their part of it. If not then we had the known negative consequences to deal with. During the event I would give a nod or a word of encouragement if things were going well.

I would thank them for co-operation.

I also asked them how they felt things went if we had been at a wedding or at a museum, etc, or how they felt they had approached a project they had to do for homework, or how they had felt at the park when they decided not to share their bucket and scoops. For small children I think it's important to talk/ask about feelings.

I was praised and adored a lot as a child from one parent, I think I do have reasonably high self-esteem, it has wobbled, like everyone's over the years, but I do have a good sense of myself and my husband also believing in me really helps too.

I'm reading a book by a neuroscientist at the moment and it suggests for children it might be better to praise the process rather than the child. E.g. Praising how they handled a task, what they thought went well etc rather than saying "you're really clever/talented"

This way the kid doesn't get the idea that being clever/talented/whatever is a fixed trait and that, with practice and determination, anything can be learned.

I was told I was clever a lot when a kid and tbh it gave me the fear of getting anything wrong and also took me a long time to learn it was ok to ask for help (I thought I should know it all cos I was supposedly so clever!).

My parents have never once told me that I was good at anything. The one phrase which echoes in my head all these years later is my mother saying "For someone who is supposedly so clever you are really stupid most of the time" if I dropped something or did anything slightly wrong. I heard it a lot.

Every thing I did was criticised and picked apart. I often got upset about it, because I just wanted them to like the thing I'd made or the meal I'd cooked. My father in particular would get very angry with me and rant about me not being able to take constructive criticism. The thing is, to me there was only criticism because there was no balancing praise. Not ever. the one example which sticks in my mind is a patchwork cushion which i made for my mother when I was 11. It took me months and was all sewn by hand. She opened it and said "Oh, you might have lined it, I can see the stuffing through the fabric" and threw it to one side. I was devastated.

I probably go a bit overboard with praise for my own children, but they are genuinely fabulous, so there! I also try to teach them that it's okay to fail or to do things which you enjoy but are not really very good at.

My worry, that someone else has raised, is just that if you start changing the praise, then it becomes a bit inauthentic. 'I really like the way you have drawn those leaves, they have lots of detail' seems so forced to me, plus how often do you really like the leaves anyway? I do praise effort, having a go, keeping going at stuff you aren't naturally good at (e.g. if they ran 20 laps when they could have given up) and my mantra is (borrowed from Susan Jeffers)- feel the fear and do it anyway. But I do hear people gushing over perfectly normal activities, like this mum who used to say to her son 'wow, I saw you trying so hard with your breaststroke arms' and the son used to storm past her, trying to get out of the way of the loud parenting! I think it's better to be yourself and just say what comes into your head unless you are a mean person, because having someone adore you is a lovely thing and it's good to feel you matter to someone in life.

Those studies on praise are a bit odd, so this one shows that parents who agree 'my child is a bit more special than other children' are teaching narcissism, but those who just told them they loved them had high self-esteem. So, actually, loving your kids and encouraging them, but not making them the centre of the universe/better than others results in kids who feel good about themselves. No shit, Sherlock!

www.theguardian.com/world/2015/mar/10/parents-who-praise-children-too-much-may-encourage-narcissism-says-study

Praise is considered dangerous when the children feel they are worth to the parents while they are amazing. It's wrong, of course, but they end up feeling that the parents love them as long as they are amazing. So, when they fail, they worry that they won't be seen as amazing and will not be loved.

Then there's too much praise, regardless of achievements. It feels false and it ends up being ignored. Instead, the child may wonder why they deserve such pity compliments.

Then, there's the praise only of achievements and not of how they got there, or of the effort.

Good praise is supposed to be truthful, of effort as well as achievements, and separate from love.
Love should be unconditional. You tell them you love them all the time, but regarding achievements and behaviour, you guide them and point out the good as well as the bad and how it can be improved.

Their self worth should be separate from praise. It's not easy, but we can certainly do our best to encourage it.

Does anyone find that the process of doling out appropriate praise makes them feel really insincere? I rarely received praise as a child so have to make a conscious effort to praise my own children, as it usually doesn't fit into my idea of social norms. I worry that they can hear how carefully constructed it all sounds

Fake it till you mean it.

It's the indiscriminate praise that sounds fake.

Yes, it didn't come naturally to me at all. Felt very self-conscious and like the dc would be able to tell that I was putting it on. But if you keep doing it it gets easier and more natural.

I don't do the pointless praise and I flatly refuse to praise for things they can't control; the way they look and things they're naturally brilliant at aren't areas I get gushy over. I praise them for kindness, for trying, for doing a good job, for sharing.

I didn't get a lot of praise when I was a child, and nor did DH. I think we both praise the DCs similarly for the things we deem important.

Can they tell, though?

I fake taking an interest in the things ds tells me about his games and he seems convinced I am. To the point of quizzing me over them and me having to tell him that I have no interest to stop the questions.

No I don't think they can tell. As long as you're not actually lying I think you can put enough genuine feeling into it even though it's a conscious effort.

Every now and then my dc get a 'that's lovely dear' when I'm busy with something else and don't give them my full attention, I can see they're not impressed with that

My parents both praised me lots and I generally feel lucky to have grown up feeling loved and supported. I am neurotic, self-critical and have bouts of dehabilitating anxiety, though, so it's not a solve-all! One thing I would say from my own childhood is to remember that children learn lessons from everything you say about others; they don't only absorb what is targeted at them. In my case that was unfortunately particularly true of my mother's own low self-esteem. It set up confusing messages as - to give one example - she was very eager that I not worry overmuch about my own appearance, but I would hear her call herself 'fat' and even 'disgusting'. It was clear that she thought she was worth less because she wasn't thin, so how could I not pick up on that message?

I'm now thinking about having a child, and I don't want to repeat this pattern with them, but even considering this has made me realise that mum couldn't help it: you don't get magically released from low self esteem when you get pregnant! I really believe though that self-worth in children works best if it's something you practice as well as preach.