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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder what am doing wrong

30 replies

worriedabouthimagain · 25/09/2016 22:32

I am fucking up my kids i really am I can see it in there faces I can't handle them :(
Dd 4 in dec still wears nappys to bed she's very scared of going to the toilet on her own she screams over silly things like today her carrot fell of her plate as she was helping lay the table she screamed .
DS 7 month's has laryngomalacia and a laryngeal cleft so lots of trips to hospital and doctors he co sleeps and naps on me or dh. failed at bf him due to tongue tie crys alot. Weaning a big fucking mess he will only have water think puree or he will be sick. all we seem to do is nursery and asda at times subway.I wanted to take dd to at bus open day on Sat but couldn't
I truly feel like a shit mum I don't want to be told am a great mum as it's simply not true

OP posts:
JellyBelli · 25/09/2016 22:38

You need help and support. Find out where you can get that from locally.

Let your DD wear a nappy at night, she's only 4. Walk her to the toilet before you go to bed. So what if she needs a night light.
When she screams just wait for her and say 'stop screaming'. Tell her she wont see anyone in the shopping centre screaming. No one can understand what she wants when she screams, she has to tell you in words wha tthe problem is.
Your DS isnt starving in a 3rd world country and he will get the medical help he needs. You didnt fail at anything. You;re not a shit mum, you're just in a tough stage with one baby and one demanding older one.

ditzychick34 · 25/09/2016 22:39

I don't know what I can say Sad but I really didn't want to read and run. It is hard, so much harder than everyone says but keep going. Take each day as I comes. Talk to your HV about the little ones feeding, see what they say, my 8 month hates lumps.

JellyBelli · 25/09/2016 22:45

I dont think you are fucking up your kids, it really doesn't sound like it.

Planty18 · 25/09/2016 22:52

So many children have no food to speak of at 7 months, you're doing well to be weaning with medical issues going on too. My daughter doesn't like the dark and also wears a nappy at night at 4 and most of her classmates do too, honestly I think you need a breather, some support and to realise all of us just do the best we can, none of us are perfect, kids of four scream. Has she just started school? Mine has and loads of the moms have been talking about their kids having meltdowns every night about nothing. Please try to be kind to yourself, you are a good mum for being here asking for help.

Original poster
worriedabouthimagain · 25/09/2016 22:54

I keep on thinking that kids need a good childhood. I just don't think they have it from me Dh is great with them but he works alot so hardly sees them. I gave up my job due to ds heath problems we have been told to only let people who are cpr trained to look after him so having a break seems pretty hopeless

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedabouthimagain · 25/09/2016 22:56

No we are in scotland so next Aug she starts I thought it was abnormal that she still wears nappys to bed

OP posts:
neolara · 25/09/2016 22:59

Honestly, both of the things you mentioned as being an indication you are a bad mum are absolutely nothing of the sort. Lots and lots of 4 year olds are in nappies at night and lots and lots of 7 month old babies hardly eat any proper food.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. What might help you feel better?

WhateverWillBe · 25/09/2016 23:00

Both of mine were gone 5 when they came out of pull ups for bed time. And at age 8 and 6 we still have the occasional accident.

Redcliff · 25/09/2016 23:04

My son wore nappies to bed until he was 4 and it never occurred to me that it was an issue. I'm sure your sims eating will sort it's self out - he is still very tiny.

R2G · 25/09/2016 23:15

Hope you're ok x nothing you've said is out of the ordinary. I think you sound a bit depressed and should talk to your doctor and also your sure start centre for some help.mums fail every day to do whatever it was they were supposed to be doing - it's ok x

saoirse31 · 25/09/2016 23:19

Your love for your kids is so obvious from ur post. You're the opposite of a crap mum.

Don't worry about pull ups, she's way too young for that to be issue. That sounds so stressful with your Ds , wish u all the best

MetalPetal86 · 25/09/2016 23:23

My son of six still screams at the slightest thing, much like your daughter. I'm hoping that he'Ll grow out of it eventually. He occasionally still wets himself at school too but on the other hand he can read very well. What I'm trying to say is that children are all completely different, have their own personalities and can be advanced at ome thING whilst 'behind' with others. I don't think it's anything you are doing wrong. I don't see anything even slightly out of the ordinary in what you've said. Yes, there will always be the competitive mums who make you feel your child is behind but ignore that (if that is what is making you feel like this). If you are bad then I must be utterly terrible! (I don't think either of us are).

bumsexatthebingo · 25/09/2016 23:28

A lot of kids are still in nappies at night at 4 and ds had virtually nothing but milk until 7 months or so - he just wasn't interested.
You sound very down though. I had PND after my kids and I found that exercise was something that really helped - even when I didn't feel like it. I'd go on long walks with the pushchair and it made me feel so much better. Also meditation (though I did have a lot of support from dh so it might not be so easy to find the time for that if you're on your own).
Be kind to yourself is my advice. Your kids won't suffer because you couldn't face one day out.

Secretmetalfan · 25/09/2016 23:31

You sound like every other family I know. DS still wears nappies at night, never crossed my mind to take them off as they are always wet. Weaning will happen when it happens esp with medical issues he will be fine. Try and get a break speak to ur hv. Your kids will be fine being a parent is so hard but we are all struggling together

bluebellsparklypants · 25/09/2016 23:35

Hard times Flowers
It's all just a stage that wil move on (that's what's I tell myself anyway!)

There's no rush to get to the next thing, things always work themselves out over time.

Sounds like your doing great with your two lovelies, give your self a pat on the back

Original poster
worriedabouthimagain · 26/09/2016 00:32

I scored high on the pnd scale so that's not helping. I listed what's wrong with my kids but am going list some good points to even it out
My dd is really kind she give her brother a hugwhen he hit his head with a toy then kissed it better she's also really smart my ds is a charmer and has a laugh that will make even the sadist person smile

OP posts:
MyPeriodFeatures · 26/09/2016 04:58

There are 3 clues that YABU

  1. The carrot
  2. 4 yo still in nappies
  3. A 7 month old making a mess weaning and only having mush

All of the above are NORMAL things with kids, and small minute issues that ALL parents deal with a spectrum of. Your 7mo co-sleeps and has some health stuff going on.

You are knackard. Normal small irritating things feel enormous, overwhelming and problematic when we are knackard. Your DH may be great but until he give you a lie on and some you time to recoupe some energy, he's not:

RebootYourEngine · 26/09/2016 09:57

From your posts you dont sound like a shit mum. PND is a bitch. It totally screws you up. I suffered for about 3 nearly 4 years with it and i can feel it still right there under the surface. Ds is 12 years old.

Are you getting any help or time away? It is important that you get time away. Even if it is just a walk around the block when the dcs are in bed.

Can i ask though, why couldnt you take your dd to the bus day?

MrsRedFly · 26/09/2016 10:28

Have you contacted your local Home-Start? They provide support & advice for families with under 5s?

Also I believe Eric website is good for your DDs toilet training issues.

EddieHitler · 26/09/2016 11:20

I'd definitely look further into the PND, if you haven't already. Go back and see your GP/HV about it this week.

None of what you say would cause concern though. My sons both co-slept, none of us would have slept otherwise. DS2 was still in pull-ups until he was about 6 and still has a night light, he's scared of everything, including the dark, so it's easier that way. These things are all quite normal.

You didn't fail at anything, your son has a medical issue, tongue tie is a well known barrier to breastfeeding, that's not your fault. Anyway, many people choose not to or can't breastfeed, it's not failing, it's just doing it a different way.

As for not doing many things with them, their world will not collapse because they didn't go to an open day. But I agree that getting out and about can help you when you're feeling low, as hard as it can be, the satisfaction you get from doing it is huge, even if it's just a walk to the local shop/park and back.

I love that you listed the good points, your children sound loving, happy and well loved, that's all they need.

steppemum · 26/09/2016 11:34

OP, my dd had a oesophagal stricture due to an accident at 18 months and could only eat liquid and very fine puree for nearly a year. My best friend's dd had problems when she was born with her oesophagus and real stuggles eating and feeding for years and years.

It is worrying and stressful. Feeding your child is so fundamental and you worry all the time about whether they are getting what they need and so on.

Don't underestimate the stress of this, and be kind to yourself. It is hard having a child with extra needs, and especially when probably no-one else you meet has a clue.
Do get in contact with support groups for your ds condition, my best friend is a cousellor now for the support group for the condition her dd has, and she often gets phone calls from parents at the end of their tether. Just talking to someone who has been there helps so much. She can give practical suggestions too if they are wanted.

But the one thing I learnt was just how little a baby/toddler actually needs, and to stop panicking about it.
Dd survived for nearly a year on milk, some enriched milkshake drinks and chocolate buttons. It was all she could eat. She is now a very fit and healthy 8 year old, and still has a sweet tooth!

MatildaTheCat · 26/09/2016 11:36

You sound utterly exhausted and rather depressed. I suspect that months and months of worry about ds and his health issues have put you under huge strain. Are you getting adequate support from a specialist team with regard to his feeding? Your HV will be able to give generic advice but might not have much experience. In our area there are designated cleft palate nurses ( cleft larynx is much more unusual but assume they would still be the named nurse).

Are there any online support groups you can join? FB usually has a group for every possible condition and feeling among others who understand can be very reassuring.

Your dd is totally normal and you are totally normal to find screaming over carrots annoying and incomprehensible.

Please see your GP about your mood and seek out more support from people to know about caring for children with clefts. Feeling anxious about feeding is awful and feeling scared about choking really fucking awful.

Flowers to you. Please make some calls today.

Ladybunnyfluff · 26/09/2016 11:45

You don't sound a failure to me.
Due to medical issues my DD couldn't eat solid food until after 2 years old that's just the way it was. Don't be harsh on yourself and ask for help if PND is even vaguely an issue.

Original poster
worriedabouthimagain · 26/09/2016 12:06

Gp has referred me to group therapy but still waiting in a idea world I would get a break but due to the ongoing risk that he might stop breathing no one's happy no look after him which I understand and won't want anyway

OP posts:
steppemum · 26/09/2016 12:30

OP - my friend had similar, she couldn't leave her dd with anyone. So one of her friends did a children's first aid course, and then had training from the specilaist nurse that helped her dd. Then she could have her for a few hours. It made a huge difference. Especially as, like you, she had an older one.