To ask why you chose a particular parenting style and if it has worked for you?

[malificent7]

Especially the style you chose for a new born.

I chose attachment parenting for dd as my best friend did it for hers and lent me a cosleeping handbook. I liked the theory behind it and in any case it suited my circumstances as I was sharing a room with dd and was single. I did the whole cosleeping, bf on demand approach. I can't say I did much baby wearing though as I had an emergency cs and it was too painful to use a sling.
I found breast feeding really tough and boring and I sacrificed a lot to do it but I did it for 2 years as got used to it and wanted to forge a strong bond with dd.

Has it paid off? Hmmmm. The theory behind attachment parenting is that if your child forms a secure attachment with you then they will naturally gain confidence and independence early on. In fact dd is still very clingy, hates being baby sat, goes to sleep alone but still comes into my bed at 8 etc and is scared of the dark. I would go so far as to say that she has attachment issues.

This might be the result of me becoming quite shouty once dd became more defiant during the terrible twos. My mum was dying with cancer at the time and I had little head space to reinforce any sharing etiquette at play group (DD still hates to share.)
I am much more authoritarian now than I ever thought I would be as I have no time in my schedule to reason with dd over every single little detail. I'm much more 'because I said so' than I want to be and I have far less patient than I would like.

Basically I have lost my way as a parent and I have no idea if I was right doing the attachment parenting thing.

I am not a complete cow and I still give dd lots of love and hugs, I take her on lovely days out and let her play with her friends. I try to protect her. but at the same time I crave personal space and hate clinginess...agggrr!

I've been in your shoes and I think the issue is that you aren't prioritising yourself enough, rather than a parenting issue.

If you're not getting enough time to recharge your own batteries you won't be able to be fully emotionally present for your DD. She will sense this and cling, and then it's a vicious circle.

What have you got in terms of support?

Winging it is prob the best description.

The only thing I actually followed was Annabel Karmel's weaning book because the timings/meals etc fit my two perfectly from 6-12 months and even I couldn't fuck the recipies up

I didn't know there were different styles tbh.

I basically copied a lot of what my parents had done. Be really loving, family focused, do things together, have their friends over as much as possible, insist on manners, no physical punishment, prioritse education, bring charity/helping others in as early as possible, and be in charge.

My in laws were lovely but parented differently. Lots of activities, very upper middle class, not much listening to the kids, dad was center of the house, no friends over, kids did what they were told.

DH had no interest in copying that. but some bits he did - they loved music, prioritised education, gave their children beautiful manners.

My mother's advice for me when my first baby was born was to sing and talk to babies a lot. So I did.

We did sleep train a bit - as in let baby cry for a while. but frankly it was that or one of us would lose our job and we wouldn't be able to survive. So we bought the ferber book (20 years ago). I don't regret it. He's fine too.

Can I say OP that sometimes children aren't the way they are because of what you did but because of how they came out. I have 3 very different children who had more or less the same upbringing. Each is very very different in terms of attachment, mental health, motivation, etc.

I have learned not to take much credit and not to take much blame.

I've parented according to my personality (far more than their personality), as I've got to keep it up for years and years and couldn't do it any other way. So for us it was routine, firm boundaries and consequences and clear expectations. It's worked very well so far!

I think anyone "choosing" a 'parenting style' is in a very, very, very tiny minority.

Most people make it up as they go along / muddle through the best they can. We do what fits in with our circumstances at the time.
I suspect most of us are influenced by our parents - those who feel happy with a good relationship with their parents, probably copying a lot of what they did, and those who sadly didn't have a good childhood perhaps using that as an example of what not to do.

I have learned not to take much credit and not to take much blame

Ooh I'm making that my motto!

I did EBF, didn't baby wear, and did a strange mixture of controlled crying and co sleeping when they were babies. Now they're all primary school age and think I'm a relatively relaxed parent. I try to say yes whenever I can, and I don't shout often, but there are some lines (eg hitting each other) that will get them into trouble if crossed.

It seems to be working. I would describe them as lively but well behaved.

I was talking about this the other day with a fellow mum who has chosen attachment parenting because her adopted son had several issues and they wanted to make him feel safe and secure at all times but as he's gotten older she's accepted that there are some instances where you have to trust your gut and do things that don't adhere to the 'rules', e.g. AP you aren't supposed to offer rewards for good behaviour but she's found offering nicer pudding for 3 more mouthfuls works for them.
IMHO parenting strategies do often have good techniques that will work for some parents and some children, but sometimes you have to trust yourself, not a set of rules.

Probably quite "attachment parenting" without actually knowing it was a thing. I just did what felt right and it happens to match the ethos v well. Only discovered the name through Facebook a few years ago.
Dd1 was fab til she hit puberty around age 7.5 and I completely despair over her (now 13, diagnosed with ADD and can be violent. I actually find it difficult to be around her a lot of the time. V different to pre-puberty dd1 that I'd have happily lived in a bubble with, even if she did talk just a little bit too much)
Dd2 is only 2.5 and dd3 isn't even born yet, but I am continuing with the same pattern. Though the influence and knowledge I've gleaned in the intervening years between dd1s babyhood and dd2s has prob made me even more relaxed overall ( but don't confuse that with being a permissive parent!)

Didn't know there were styles and attachment parenting seems to be just a current thing
I winged it and tried to follow their needs so demand feeding, baby led weaning etc - worked for me
Discipline wise I worked out for myself that clear firm boundaries lots of love, talking and explaining things along with fostering mutual respect worked for our family - some of how you parent will depend on your personality and that of DC
I also swore that I would not replicate any of the bad upbringing I had myself - appears to have worked......

I just 'parent'.

I've never thought about parenting styles and have done what works best with ds. I do very much believe that all behaviour has a reason and since ds is non verbal, I spend time watching him and thinking about why he does certain things. We tend to stick to routines because that works best with his asd but the routines have to be based on what he can cope with.

I chose the take no shit approach with the ds's and with dd the approach of I will not stand by and watch you manipulate your dad.
I like to think that in taking no shit I have been fair.

We go for 'getting through the day without major incident'

So far it's working.

'Choosing a style' is a ridiculous concept. HTH.

Flex to your child, trial and error, see what works for you both. That might radically change over time. Those advocating 'styles' are primarily trying to flog books.

I don't read your OP as particularly about styles of parenting, more a cry for help perhaps, that what you did in the past isn't working now and you feel a bit suffocated.

First, it's fine to find children annoying, I think if you imagine every moment to be 'special' and so forth, then the sheer presentness of some children who crave parental attention, can overwhelm you.

I also found the book 'How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk' really helpful as I was bewildered by having a slightly older child who was always emoting and needing attention, and as someone said up thread, it may be you aren't really paying proper attention, so it seems constant, I also used to tell my dd a lot that she wasn't cold/hungry/tired/couldn't be bored, no wonder she kept speaking, as I wasn't listening! If she feels heard, she may feel less inclined to cling.

I also think you feel guilty about the time when your dd was two and your mum was so ill- but you really really don't need to beat yourself up about not being fully present at that time. The great thing about parenting is that children are fairly forgiving and pretty flexible, and you can 'reset' the relationship in a more positive manner from this point onwards. I've had to do it several times, when we've veered a bit off course, either they or I have just become shouty/stressed, and we all have to stop and take stock and try to do things a bit differently, there usually is a way.

WTF is a parenting style. You just love them, they haven't read the books. Take each day as it comes and do your best.

I think that whilst you shouldn't judge yourself too harshly or hold yourself too responsible for the way your children are,equally you shouldn't give yourself too much credit either.it will be a combination of environment,genetics,personality and something intangible. My dd has always been very good natured and confident but I don't put my worth as a parent on that as today she has been a bit of a horror. I refuse to blame myself or credit myself too much either. These things are often down to chance

You can't know whether it was your parenting choices that made your kid have a particular issue. It might be that, had you parented differently, they still would have been like that. You can't know, and you can't go back in time and change how you parent, so you might as well give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

I just use my common sense and understand that guidelines aren't one size fits all. I read Gina Ford and loosely followed her routine but never to the letter.

I make it up as I go along really. She's happy, we've bonded without me having to use a sling (I tried, she nearly fell out, I cried, it went on eBay) though she is back in our room after a month of being in her own simply because she sleeps through in with us as we're both knackered. As I type she's fast asleep, I just woke up for some water.

Also I'm scared of the dark too op and my parents put me in my own room from day one, I wasn't breastfed etc. A fear is a fear-I don't for a second think that the way you've parented has brought that on in any way.

Slightly off topic, but how do you find breastfeeding boring? I have one arm around the babe and the other on my phone. It's my "me" time for MN and novels! It's what I'm doing right now in fact :) And you know, relentlessly ordering baby clothes/groceries/obsessively checking developmental milestones (ok some of that is boring).

Back on topic, I never picked a parenting style deliberately but went closer to attachment parenting. I think the newborn style is just a blueprint for what you're planning to carry through as they grow older. If you haven't kept the same principles going (and you have been through a lot so the changes are understandable) then I don't think you can judge the full impact of the baby raising style.

My now 3yo is clingy, but I think that's more to do with pregnancy/new twin siblings suddenly taking me away from him. He was sleeping through fine in his own bed, but since the babies came he now wants a reassuring cuddle in the night. He had his own bed from 1yo though I would sleep in there for breastfeeding so I guess we partially coslept? Then I'd crawl back to my own bed, so not full-on attachment. No wearing either (because I was too badly injured during the birth). I would say we have an intense relationship and non-attachment parents seem to think I'm a bit too attentive, but he is very sociable (more than other kids his age), confident and loving. This might just be his personality, but I like to think having someone to lean on constantly has provided the support he needs to explore the world confidently. I'm planning to be the same with my new babies so I may be better able to assess nature vs nurture with them in a few years.

Kids are all different. Yours is clingy, mine is a bolter. Completely independent and always has been. Parenting really can't make much of a dent in character traits. I think you might have been expecting a little too much from attachment parenting (a totally 'perfect' child maybe).

Chill, enjoy her as she is, go with her natural character while teaching her skills to mitigate any challenges. We're making adults not managing children.

I made a conscious decision not to follow any rule book. I assumed my way of being mum to my kids was probably better for my family than following the the rules of someone who (a) had never met me or my kids, and (b) is trying to peddle a one-size-fits-all parenting method.

It's worked out okay :)