Thought I was BU ... but it happened!!!!

[loveyouradvice]

Love to know what rules you use... My DD, aged 14, went to first mixed sleepover last night... I trust her, she's pretty sensible, best friend there but was a little nervous (especially as one of them was "her boyfriend"). I almost didnt but with wiser mates' words echoing in my head, I texted the mum, thanked her and said how much DD was looking forward to it. Only to find out that she was out of town and no adults in the house ... and DS had been forbidden to have anyone over. All sorted without drama, they went to another house where the parents WERE home.... But did make me think I need to start being clearer about rules etc... What do you have in place for your DS and DD in their teens?

We didn't call them 'mixed sleepovers' but we had plenty of nights when some of us would stay at a friend's house rather than our parents having to come get us before bedtime. Some of those were mixed. We also had many nights when we'd be out until after midnight. A couple of times each year we'd do a midnight walk then all crash in someone's lounge. This was all when I was 14 - 18. Sometimes there was adult supervisions, sometimes just us youngsters would organize something. We were the church youth group.

When people DID have sex (because we weren't all saints, even though we went to church) it was never at the sleepovers.

DD just turned 13. If parents were there, I would allow her to go to a sleepover at a friend's house, and wouldn't care if her friends were male or female. If it were part of a big group with teens that I knew well, I would allow it even if parents weren't there, if some of the teens were old enough to be responsible.

I'm 34 and in the midst of my first ever pregnancy.

I had a mixed group of friends at school who are still my closest friends. We had mixed sleepovers and parties and I didn't turn into some sort of delinquent.

As I say, first ever pregnancy at 34, didn't lose virginity until 18. In fact nothing but snogging until about that age too!

The difference..... my parents (Mum really) spoke to me about sex, being sensible and consequences and I felt I could tell her the truth.

If I'd lied to her I would have had a consequence.

I don't think mixed sleepovers are shocking- I think kids can be sensible if armed with information.

Teenage Girls can be friends with teen boys without jumping on their dicks//not all boys are rapists

Gosh a 14 yo girl that lied to her mother! Whatever next?!
Get a grip people.

Of course, MacksMom, but the OP implied (until she clarified very late on in the thread, that her dd's boyfriend was going to be there.

I'd have stopped it when it became clear shed lied about the circumstances. No different to grounding if she claimed to be staying at a friends and went to a party.

Clearly the lie wasn't important to the OP though . We all have different places where we draw the line.

Cheby this is my experience too. I had a mixed group of friends. We stayed at people's houses. We didn't call them 'mixed sleepovers', just friends staying over. None of us had sex at 14, although 16-17 may have been a different story. Some of these responses are frankly odd!

The mixed sleepover isn't a big deal if the boundaries are clear and there is supervision but the lying about where she was is a big deal Imo and if she has got away with it once it will lead to more deception as time goes on and potential to get into trouble sex or otherwise, Even if she is sensible others around her might not be.

From the age of 14 my parents didn't know where I was or when I was coming home 90% of the time and I wasn't always safe and in the wrong company a lot,
Mixing with a wide age group from 14-21 so you can imagine..

I posted hoping for some great advice and guidance on what's worked/ is working for other parents with young teens starting to become more independent.... I'm keen to know where my DD is and to give her freedom and space, with limits. She hasn't lied nor broken my trust (yet!) - and the fact I expected BF to be there influences guidelines for me (even if he ends up not going). She is my first DC and pretty sensible so we've needed few rules so far - and like some other posters, I have a very open relationship with her where we do discuss behaviour, consequences and she often asks my advice, knowing it will be balanced and with her interests at the heart of it. What I hadn't anticipated from posting was lots of lectures on teen pregnancy and jumping to conclusions on my views on life ... I'm still hoping some others might have useful guidance, and really appreciate those helpful comments people have posted so far from their own experiences

I'm of the opinion with my dc's that of its within reason then I show them the trust. It may be that something isn't working out and then we talk about it etc for for the most part we talk a lot and I don't put a definite no to anything without fully considering why. Like the sleepovers, I can't ever imagine telling my 15yo I don't trust her to keep her clothes on in that situation. Our relationship would certainly suffer if she thought that were my opinion. Saying that we have spent 15 years getting to this point, we have always had that trust. Even down to her curfew time, it's always been a slight increase but if there is any reason for me to review then I will. So far she has not given me a reason. Its no secret that teens MAY have sex, but come on, people in this thread are trying to make out that they can't do anything but have sex!!

I was very strict with my 2 sons about girlfriends. They weren't allowed sleepovers or to be alone in their rooms with them until they were 16. My eldest ended up having sex at 15 at a party I didn't know he had even gone to (he had lied to me about where he was) with a girl he'd been with for a month who then dumped him for an older lad a few weeks later. My younger son had sex at 14 with his girlfriend (who he's still with now at 18) in a fucking bush!!!!! Was not please at all.

I tried to be more relaxed with my DDs and, perhaps just because they're girls, they have been a lot more sensible. My youngest is 14 and only just getting into boyfriends but my eldest is 16, been with her boyfriend just over a year and been having sleepovers with him for 3ish months now and still hasn't had sex.

For me that's proof enough that stopping them doing things and being strict with them about it isn't going to stop it happening and the more open and trusting you are the more likely they'll be sensible.

my eldest is 16, been with her boyfriend just over a year and been having sleepovers with him for 3ish months now and still hasn't had sex.

Do you really think they haven't though?

And what rule did you actually change? If they've only be having sleepovers for 3 months sounds like the rule was still 16.

With respect OP, you know your daughter and if you're sure she's not sexually active then that's fair enough. I do think you're very naive to think she didn't know the parents weren't there though, unless she's different to every 14 year old ever.

smrendell Yes. I have a really good open relationship with my kids. Even the boys were honest with me when it did happen. She's told me she was thinking about it and we got her the patch and condoms.

I didn't allow sleepovers until she had left school, the same with the boys, but I was a lot more relaxed about her having boys over and allowed them to have privacy in her room or when I was out.

I also didn't take the view that she was young so sex is a no and we're not even going to entertain the idea. I focused more on making sure that if she did decide to start having sex she was happy, comfortable and prepared.

What a load of histrionic nonsense. Do any of you really for one moment think that a 14 yr old that is having sex or thinking of having sex would be doing it at a sleepover in a room full of peers ??? Really. You all need to find a grip and hold on very very tight. My 8 teenagers have all been on mixed sleepovers their entire teenage years. None felt the need to shag their bf/gf in the company of others. The ones who are indulging in under age sex are doing it at home after school before parents get back from work or in the cricket pavilion at the back of the rec . (My youngest regales me with the stories).
We're none of you ever teenagers. Did it EVER cross your mind to do this at a sleepover. ? I certainly didn't. !

My issue would have been about the lying . Mixed sleepovers everyone in one room - parents at home. - no problem.... Parents out and couples shuffling off to bedrooms to be alone - definitely NOT.
The lying is the issue ..

Ds age 14 had a mixed sleep over this summer in tents in our garden. They had a fantastic time though very little sleep for any of them. 2 girls in 1 tent and 4 boys in 2 x 2 tents.. All parents were aware they were at ours.

I don't see a big deal with the mixed sleep overs as long as there is adult supervision, However I would have been a no go on the sleep over with no adult present.

I would trust my DD she has a mixed group of friends.

I'm quite surprised that so many people are just fine with their 14 year olds having mixed sleepovers tbh. No way i'd let mine go to one at that age. It was never 'a thing' (past age 8 anyway) when I was growing up either.

'Mixed sleepovers are a thing now'. No they bloody aren't. They're a 'thing' for parents who want to be seen as 'cool' by their kids and their friends. Which is frankly pathetic. It's not a normal, everyday 'thing'.

No way i'd let mine go to one at that age why not?

Mixed sleepovers are a thing now'. No they bloody aren't. They're a 'thing' for parents who want to be seen as 'cool' by their kids and their friends. Which is frankly pathetic. It's not a normal, everyday 'thing. I have no problem with mixed sleepovers. I also have no desire to appear 'cool' to my children or their freinds. I am 40 not 14, I don't need to look cool to anybody. I do however need to be able to maintain respectful, trustwrtithy relationships with my teenagers in order that they can grow into independant functioning adults.

With DS and his large group of friends we hosted the first mixed sleepover of the group, when they were 15 or 16 (I can't remember which). DS wanted to invite all his friends, and most of them lived too far away to get back easily late at night. DS is extremely sensible, and so are all his friends - they are all studious nerdy types.

I felt a bit uneasy about it but said it was ok, as long as they followed my rules, which I went through with all of them there. So there was a girls' room and a boys' room, and they weren't allowed in the other room at any time. They had the sitting room to themselves and had to have a definite bedtime, agreed with me in advance. DS had the choice of enforcing it, or having me come down in my nightie to enforce it - oddly, he chose the former. I had a wander around the house about half an hour after they had gone to bed, and they were all crashed out in the right rooms.

The good thing about it was that because we had the first one, all the other parents have followed our rules about separate rooms for sleepovers. We've probably hosted seven or eight over the last couple of years, more than the other families, so they can't have had too horrible a time under my dictatorial regime. As they have got older they have gone on holiday together, first with one of the families, and then on their own. They are all now legally adults - but the rules still applied at the last pre-university sleepover we've just had.

Having said all that, my other DC can be much more flighty, and I may well not allow them to go to mixed sleepovers when the time comes - given I feel they are much less trustworthy than DS1 at the same age.

What did shock me about the first sleepover was that only one mother checked directly with me, and you could hear the relief in her voice when I said that DH and I would be here all night, and that I was going to strictly enforce separate rooms and a definite bedtime. I think some of the parents were probably reassured because DH is a vicar!

So, to summarise - I never thought I would agree with mixed sleepovers, but with the right children and the right rules it can be OK. And I would rather host them than send my kids off to them, at least with parents I don't know.

My SIL had very open relationship with her daughter - discussions about doing the right thing, DN asked for advice, lots of trust etc. etc. Didn't stop things going horrifically wrong when she was 14. That was 12 years ago. My DD is now nearly 16. Same sort of relationship, enormously sensible and lots of discussions about appropriate behaviour, relationships etc. etc. Of course I also thought the DN experience wouldn't happen in my family. End of year 9/beginning of year 10 it went wrong.......... still dealing with trust issues etc. etc. Mixed sleepovers??? NEVER.
Please OP do not believe you have the most open and honest relationship with your DD - her friend and boyfriends will become more important. She will keep things from you and lie because she wants to do things you won't approve of. Open your eyes, be aware, it is your responsibility to be a parent not a friend and keep her safe.

Postscript - DN turned out to be a lovely girl, happy with life.

There's also a few on this thread who's dc have been to mixed sleepovers. They just don't know it.
Think about it. Secondary all you have is a number. You don't have a face. That person on the other end claiming to be the parent, reassuring you that it's ok, it's all girls/boys, don't worry no booze etc, is one their mates/ older sibling/relative.

It is about trust. It's not about because I said so. It's about explaining the whys. It's about having open channels of communication. It's about when shit does go wrong, that you remain calm and listen without judgement. It's about remembering they aren't you, as a teen you might have fucked everything , but they aren't you.