Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Thought I was BU ... but it happened!!!!

81 replies

loveyouradvice · 25/09/2016 11:51

Love to know what rules you use... My DD, aged 14, went to first mixed sleepover last night... I trust her, she's pretty sensible, best friend there but was a little nervous (especially as one of them was "her boyfriend"). I almost didnt but with wiser mates' words echoing in my head, I texted the mum, thanked her and said how much DD was looking forward to it. Only to find out that she was out of town and no adults in the house ... and DS had been forbidden to have anyone over. All sorted without drama, they went to another house where the parents WERE home.... But did make me think I need to start being clearer about rules etc... What do you have in place for your DS and DD in their teens?

OP posts:

8DaysAWeek · 25/09/2016 12:34

At 14 I thought my boyfriend was the real deal and definitely wouldn't have stayed up telling ghost stories and having midnight feasts at a sleepover...

Memoires · 25/09/2016 12:35

We held a mixed sleepover for a bunch of 13 yos. I had been very uncertain about and spoke to several mums of girls involved, all of whom were certain that the all the children were sensible, none were gf/bf so all would be OK. NO. It wasn't. One boy really fancied one of the girls, and they snuck out in the middle of the night, when we were all asleep; luckily they didn't go very far (in either sense). Never again.

TBF, the others were all furious with the couple, and they were ostracised for years. They never actually got together either.

I do find teen sexuality these days quite puzzling. DD did often point out that having single sex sleepovers wasn't any different as so many of them were bisexual anyway.....

bloodyteenagers · 25/09/2016 12:35

She lied to you and you still let her go?
My dc's lie they have consequences and would not have gone.
Mixed sleepovers? No biggie. Older three all went to them. They are all now over 18 and no pregnancies from any of their groups.

expatinscotland · 25/09/2016 12:43

When did 'mixed' sleepovers become a thing? Wish we'd have thought of those in the 80s, would have made shagging your SO at home much easier. On second thought, not really because the parents would have laughed at the suggestion of having one. You need to talk about STI transmission and contraception with your daughter or send her to the teen clinic at the Family Planning Centre. 14-year-olds are not known for their wisdom and sensibility.

OddBoots · 25/09/2016 12:44

My 13 year old daughter is gay, what kind of sleepovers should I allow her to attend in order to be thought respectable in the eyes of MN posters?

ayeokthen · 25/09/2016 12:45

OddBoots one with adequate adult supervision. Gay or straight, any sleepover should be supervised.

bluebeck · 25/09/2016 12:45

Agree with PP, I would have grounded DD for the lying. I would not allow her to attend a mixed sleepover with her boyfriend at that age either.

BlasianFashionista · 25/09/2016 12:47

clam Yes I do need to ask that...

Older three all went to them. They are all now over 18 and no pregnancies from any of their groups.

^ Thanks for stating that, because a few people on this thread seem to think sex and teenage pregnancies happen during mixed sleep overs.

OPs daughter is 14 even though she has lied, she could still be sensible/wise, meaning if she has/did have sex protection could has/was used, I'm not one to judge other people's children.

BlasianFashionista · 25/09/2016 12:50

OddBoots what ayeokthen said

Cheby · 25/09/2016 12:56

I'm really surprised at the responses here. I went to 'mixed sleepovers' at 14/15. Well, they were parties where we all stayed over in one room, so I guess it's the same thing. We had a mixed group of friends. So of course we all went to the same parties?

Nothing untoward happened. No one had sex at any of the parties. We just hung out. From age 15 I was dating one of the boys in the group. I still didn't sleep with him until we were 16, and then it was at home when my DM was out, not at a party.

Kids can be sensible. We all were (well, within the normal bounds of being a teenager I guess). We were drinking at parties from 15ish and from 16 they were unsupervised by parents. I think over the years maybe one or two things got broken, which we collectively paid for, of course some people drank too much and threw up, we all pitched in and cleaned up. Made sure the place was tidy in the morning.

No teenage pregnancies in the group, everyone happily went off to uni, all of us have good careers and now we are in our thirties the majority of us are married and settled with kids. And still all in touch.

We really can't have been that unusual, can we?!

Lweji · 25/09/2016 12:57

It is the old: if they are intent on having sex, they will do it.

You will have to rely on her making the best choices for her, regarding having sex or not, using protection or not, etc.

In that respect, having the boyfriend sleeping in the same house it's hardly a problem, although I wouldn't encourage sleeping in the same room. At least not just the two of them.

However, I'd not be happy at all with the lying, and would probably have told her to come home and she would have to regain my trust again.

In these cases, though, I agree with my mum. Our children are perfectly capable of the worst behaviour, so always keep an eye on them.

ThePinkOcelot · 25/09/2016 13:02

I wouldn't have allowed dd to go.

SoftSheen · 25/09/2016 13:09

Most 14 year olds aren't old enough to be responsible for themselves but are old enough to get pregnant (or assaulted, 'taken advantage of', catch an STD etc). YABU.

Original poster

loveyouradvice · 25/09/2016 13:13

Does make me laugh all this jumping to conclusion... boyfriend ended up not going.... they're nowhere near sexual stage of relationship (and on this Im not being naive).... BUT DO SO AGREE ABOUT PARENTS BEING THERE BEING CRUCIAL... Mixed sleepovers are a thing now, so I reckon it is far better they (and us) learn "the rules" and what's appropriate/inappropriate. I know far more screwed up young adults as they were "forbidden" stuff and never learned to make important decisions themselves. As young teens, they're hopelessly overconfident until things go wrong and then they flounder ... so my goal is to find boundaries that work and support them into growing into strong decisions themselves ... I'm 90% confident my DD didn't lie, and was unaware until she got there ... but am going to tease this one out for sure

OP posts:

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 25/09/2016 13:27

It's a tricky one, OP. Growing up in the eighties, I wasn't even allowed posters of male pop stars in my room. My parents refused to talk about sex. Tampax adverts would be turned off the telly. I was completely clueless until I went to uni and then.....yeah, anyway.

I think as long as you keep open and fluid communication with DD, and reassure her that trust works both ways, she will be fine. I wouldn't be 14 again for all the tea in China!

Lweji · 25/09/2016 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VioletBam · 25/09/2016 13:38

Saying "Mixed sleepovers are a thing now" does not mean that this "thing" is ok OR that it's safe!

Why do you think they want mixed sleepovers?

To hang out?

I was a very forward 14 year old and I certainly remember how forward my boyfriend at that age was!

We were always looking for a chance to be alone...and not to bloody hold hands either!

NO WAY would I allow mixed sleepovers at this age!

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 25/09/2016 13:52

Put her on birth control. That way it doesn't matter that she's going to lie to you.

Biffsboys · 25/09/2016 13:56

Who goes out of town and leaves a 14 year old home alone ?

ZenNudist · 25/09/2016 13:59

Lweji, bit strong. It's not exactly unheard of on mumsnet for an OP to recant something they originally said in the name of clarification. No need to tell her to apologise or fuck off.

OP it is difficult dealing with teenagers, especially nowadays. Casual sex and very early sexualisation is standard. I'd be very worried about the social media aspect and impact of camera phones. It's a minefield!

Teenagers need firm boundaries and it doesn't sound like you're offering those. The thing is your naive and trusting approach has already been taken advantage of. You need to learn from this experience rather than brushing it off. Definitely less trust next time.

ZenNudist · 25/09/2016 14:03

Also agree with pp about getting birth control if you're going to take a lax approach.

Pill plus a bucket if condoms from the family planning clinic. Make sure she knows to use them.

GardenGeek · 25/09/2016 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imwithspud · 25/09/2016 14:24

No one jumped to conclusions, you said her boyfriend was going, nowhere in your post did you clarify that he ended up not going.

Lweji · 25/09/2016 14:28

ZenNudist

It's perfectly justified when the OP laughs at people who have responded in good faith, based on what she wrote.

M0nstersinthecl0set · 25/09/2016 14:30

There are some scary attitudes on here. A supervised mixed sleepover should be OK. I would have not allowed her to go ahead after finding I'd been lied to.
To those saying they'd never allow it etc you need to actually develop a more sensible approach. The teens I know who got pregnant (I worked with) were mainly from overprotective households with maybe a third being from neglectful households/ chaotic environments.
Just refusing time around boyfriends etc makes them lie more. Dialogue is needed.
And ps. We didn't have "mixed sleepovers" but we did have mixed camping from age 10. Or is that somehow more wholesome as it's outdoors?

Flip

1 2 3 4