I don't know how to mother

[GeordieBadgers]

I'm a single mother of a 4 and 6 year old. I am the non-custodial parent meaning I only get my children once or twice a week. I suffer with anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder.

I find having the children very stressful because I struggle to entertain them. I find parks and soft play boring but obviously I go regularly out of desperation.

I don't know many other parents with the same age of children as I don't do the school run.

I told my mental health worker that I found it hard to parent but she just asked me if I wanted social services involved (obviously not). All parenting classes in my local area are for babies and toddlers.

I am struggling and don't know what to do.

I think you may feel pressure to have a wonderful time because you don't see them everyday but you don't need to be an entertainment committee as long as there's cuddles and kisses. I do pretty low key stuff with my daughter ......dominoes, snakes and ladders, drawing and painting and anything craft related, cooking ( we bake, make jam) For activities outside the house we scoot to town, library visits, kids films ( £2.50 each at the Odeon) swimming or just potter in the garden Etc. Some stuff like the playground I also find boring and I try to avoid it slightly. I think kids actually don't need tons of expensive activities if they have your attention. Be kind to yourself

Yes I agree about Ss being overstretched but thats a whole other thread but what Mrsdv said about signposting and opening doors to other services services is true .

SS is not required in your instance. You just need to cut yourself a bit of slack. Children do not need constant entertaining.
You've had loads of suggestions for activities: park, swimming, cooking, colouring.
Children just need to feel secure and loved. Cool something, sit down and look at the book they like, the tv show they like (even if you can't stand it!!). Talk to them. Sit under the duvet and watch cartoons.
That's all they need. Really.

To be honest, I think most parents find a lot of the young-child years boring.

Find something that you like, and try to incorporate your children into that. You don't have to spend your life at soft play.

Good luck.

Well they do get cases which appear to meet their threshold but are just investigated and then closed because there are no problems but that still gets the family into the system and things that are just normal for other families like an A&E visit sparking off a report and it's really not a position you'd want to be in unless you really have to.

The OP can access the services SS would pass her on to via health visitors, GP, self referral or possibly even the school. I really wouldn't advise anybody to take the SS route to access services available via other pathways.

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself, OP. As long as you talk to them, hug them and feed them... You're doing fine. Nobody likes soft play. It's hell (except hell probably doesn't smell of sweaty feet). Parents take their kids there because they want to turn the kids loose and let them run around and burn off some energy, and have a coffee in peace.

Everything Bill has said is spot on.

However, it doesn't sound like you need them. Please try to be kind on yourself. Parenting is bloody hard at the best of times, and with your added difficulties, it feels like it's at an extreme level.

I also have conditions so I really do feel for you.

Do you have the support of the custodial parent? Or and friends in RL?

And anyway, to stop derailing, as Oblomov and other people have said, it's really not required here. Loads of people find parenting boring. I find going to the park mind numbing. That doesn't mean I need SS involvement.

Yes you are right im part of derailing and it doesn't help the op

I don't think the OP's main problem is that she finds parks boring, although that is included.
OP has asked for practical advice rather than confirmation that her feelings are part and parcel of being a mum.

I see the words, struggling, desperate, anxious, depression, stressful and 'don't know what to do' which indicates more than just finding motherhood a bit boring.

I think you need to discuss this all with your mental health worker again and ask about support you maybe entitled to. Involving SS does not mean your childrens' visits would be stopped but they might be the only organisation that can actually offer any practical help.

Do you have any family that can help on the days you have your children? Visiting the DC's gran or aunt might help share the 'burden' a bit?

BillSykesDog is speaking truth, don't get social services involved.

Google parenting courses in your area, and i second the timetable idea when you have them, it will help with seeing the time as manageable if you know after an hours colouring it is half hour drink/snack then out for walk kind of thing.
Plan, plan, plan, take lots of pictures, then look back at them and you might get pleasure from seeing what you have achieved with them even if you didn't quite enjoy it at the time.

Have a look in your local library or online for anything going on in your area.

"I see the words, struggling, desperate, anxious, depression, stressful and 'don't know what to do' which indicates more than just finding motherhood a bit boring."

But the OP has BPD, and a huge part of BPD is misinterpreting/overreacting to normal daily life experiences.

It is actually entirely probable that her parenting is not an issue- but that her MH difficulties are skewing her enjoyment of life.

Parenting courses/SS can't help with that.

I have no idea why everyone is telling this person to contact SS and that 'they are not the enemy'.
Well in certain areas, they certainly act like they are, I can assure you,

as BillSykes said, and I agree " I really wouldn't advise anybody to take the SS route to access services available via other pathways. "

Nor would I, this is good advice, You can access a parenting course yourself via google, something like TripleP parenting course. When I used to live near a community centre, there were such courses available.

Honestly all this 'contact SS' seems a bit naive.

I see your point, Saucy, a mental health expert would be the person to go to in these circumstances.
I don't have much knowledge of BDP, I just think the anxiety and desperation for something to change were clear from the OP.

I, too, find many, many, many child- related activities boring. Even stuff like gardening and cooking, which I enjoy, I find get ruined by small children - "OK, be gentle with that seedling....gentle, gentle now...whoops". But you can always find things that the three of you genuinely like doing. With DS1, I genuinely enjoy playing with Lego with him (he's terribly encouraging- "Oh well done Mum! That's a great space rocket! Now just let me take it away from you and remake it properly ) and making jigsaws, and swimming in the sea (which we haven't been able to do for ages because of the arrival of DS2). All three of us also love it when they're in the bath and I sit on the toilet next to them and blow bubbles. Finding things that you genuinely like doing can help to bring some of the joy and enthusiasm back, I find.

^Could I clarify that I meant blow bubbles with bubble mixture and a wand there. Just in case you were wondering....

Hi, Echo everyone else that I find soft play/parks boring but do them to please the children. I really struggled when I was briefly a SAHP with my younger child. He hated going to playgroups so in the did we used to regularly get a day ticket for the local buses and go around the city, getting off when we fancied stopping at a place (local museum etc). Those were the better days; sometimes we just stayed at home and played with lego. All day. Yes there definitely is a boring element to parenting.

I agree with Bill.
There's a lot of good suggestions here for things you can do with the kids :)
I struggle too at times, and what we do are lots of drawing and playdough, watch films, bake cupcakes, go to the park and playground, where little ones can run wild, dance to music and "freeze" when we pause the music, and play with lego a lot.

It's very variable how much entertaining kids need of course, so take what advice you find useful and leave the rest. Some days we don't leave the house at all, whilst other days we're out for hours (No garden).
If you do have a garden, you could get some outdoor toys and rain clothes now with autumn coming, and let them play there :) If you can afford those things of course!

Does the school have a family support adviser? If they do, you could talk to them. Ours is very helpful and runs parenting courses sometimes.

I remember when my kids were tiny, I felt like there was some sort of "Mother Magic" that everyone else seemed to have, but I didn't. I felt really aimless and like I just didn't understand (it was a bit like an exam where I felt like I could probably give a good answer if only I could understand the blessed question!).

There is no mother magic, most of us struggle at one time or another. My children remember me doing loads of fun stuff with them, but it all seems a bit blurry to me. Making a timetable is a good idea and keep each one so you can look back at what you have already done. The kids might like to help you make a diary of what you do together as well.

If you feel like you are in need of more MH help, book an appointment to discuss that. It doesn't sound to me like your parenting is the problem at all.

Hi OP.... my mother has Borderline/Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I really wish that she had had the insight to ask for help. Recognizing that this is becoming a problem for you is actually a really positive step, and acknowledging that you want to do better for your kids is wonderful! Parenting is hard and I'm the first to admit that it didn't come as naturally to me as I would have liked either. There are books and online courses you can use to educate yourself... may I suggest you ask your psychologist for some suggestions, and let them know that you found the comment about calling in social services disparaging when you really wanted some practical advice? I'm not going to discuss my history or the relationship I have with my mother, but remember that I grew up in the 70's and there is so much more help available to you and your kids than there was then...... I congratulate you on having the insight to ask for help and the desire to be the best parent possible for your kids!

A close friend asked me this same question 10 years ago when she was struggling with her two girls of similar ages.
My answer is the same for you as it was for her.
Give yourself permission not to be mum of the year, you don't need the stress of conforming to what society expects.
Sitting next to them watching television together is a good activity.
Activities they can be involved in that don't break the bank, such as making play dough together and pretend making food. Blowing bubbles together (mix is easy to make) Colouring pictures, making biscuits to take away with them. Are you near a beach or a stream? With wellies that's a nice hour or so.
Aim to do simple things, don't make an activity all day or even half a day, it could be just a good quality hour. Do what you feel you can cope with.
A child will remember how you make them feel, they generally recall feelings not specific events. Although they will recall the 'happy' activity, and want to do it over.
If you can cope with a cuddle on the sofa and a cartoon on the television they will remember this as happy time. Just as much as a trip out somewhere.
Good parenting isn't ££ it's time invested in the little things that leave them feeling good and positive.

I'm sure you will find your way, you obviously care very much.

Some great ideas on here, craft activities are always popular. I bought a couple of cheap shower curtains, one to use as a table cloth and the other on the floor in the table for when they were painting, glueing etc. Christmas isn't too far away, could you gather together some stuff to make Christmas decs/cards/gifts? Take them out on a 'treasure hunt' for leaves/twigs/confers/acorns to make an Autumn collage?