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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Husband, MiL and a thank you card

67 replies

seven201 · 22/09/2016 18:34

Sorry this is unnecessarily long!

We had a baby 3 months ago and have sent out thank you cards. When we sent them about 6 weeks ago mil offered' insisted under the pretence of being helpful to write the envelopes for her side of the family. She has distinctive hand writing and would love that people had noticed she had been involved in the cards. I let her do it. My husband is shit and never got round to writing his side of the cards so in the end I did his distant relative ones. I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted them done.

Anyhow, this weekend his mum turns up with a dress from my husband's great aunt. While I'm not in the room she offers to write the card (we have a stack of those photo cards) and post it for my husband and my husband agrees. She is only offering so she can get the glory. When she was about to leave she asks him for a card and I discover what's happened and say 'no, we can do it'. mIL looks pissed off but accepts this. I just suggested to my husband that he go write the bloody card and he doesn't want to and says I should have let his mum and he thought I would do it as I'd said no to his mum. He is thirty fucking three! I said his mum was rude for even offering and let him know his age in case he had forgotten that he's not. 3. He says he doesn't even see his great aunt so his mum could do it. He is now stomping around the house in a mega mood.

So... Is it acceptable to get your mum to write thank you cards for you when you're an adult? Have I been a bitch? I don't think so but maybe I have. I shouldn't have said his mum was rude though, I know that. I wish the concept of thank you cards didn't even exist. This is a ridiculous argument.

OP posts:
Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz0 · 23/09/2016 00:54

YANBU! I haven't read the other posts but... Why does she want to write the card?! Does she not trust you will send one?! Very weird!!!!

Redorangeyellowgreenblue · 23/09/2016 01:00

Yanbu I bet mil gets involved in all kinds of other things that doesn't concern her too!

WinchesterWoman · 23/09/2016 01:22

Gosh I wouldn't apologise to an idiot any time soon.

sambababy · 23/09/2016 02:15

In an ideal world your DH would write the card, but he sounds like my DH. Most of the thank you cards for his side of the family (which he did eventually write, after much insistence, albeit only a sentence long Hmm) are still sitting in our house. DD is now 2.4!! I'm sure your MIL probably meant well. Perhaps she knows you have a lot on your plate and that her son is unlikely to do it (thanks to a lifetime of smothering mothering. I swear my DH would still get his mum to cut his toenails these days if I wouldn't object.) Boys and their mums can be weird!

seven201 · 23/09/2016 03:52

Alphabet, she knows I'd send one, I'm an organised person. I'm glad it's not just me who thinks it's odd.

It's 3am and I'm feeding my dd and bored so I will do what I said I wouldn't and do some more mil moaning.

I had a planned c-section. My husband told his parents when we had a date and that if they wanted to visit us in hospital to book the day after off as I might not be up to visitors sooner. Day before c-section they mention they will 'be in the area' (it's 1hr 20mins from their house - for them this is a massive trip) in case he 'needs them'. They also say they only have this day off and can't take the next off too as too short notice. They wouldn't be able to visit us in hospital the next evening as FIL doesn't like to travel do anything after work, mil doesn't drive and it would be a v short visit due to making it for visiting hours. Wtf! My husband came home from work after finding this out and was being all weird but eventually dropped it into conversation with a look of fear on his face. I just laughed. He said they used the expression 'no pressure'. He said he was more than happy to just not let them visit until the weekend. He really should have put his foot down at the time. I suppose it's quite telling that he chose to not upset his mum over potentially upsetting a 9 months pregnant wife. My husband and I over that evening and the day of the birth did keep saying 'no pressure' to each other then giggling so it did give us some entertainment. As it turned out I did feel up to visitors and they had a visit and it was nice.

She's just very very excited about being a 'grannie' she's insisting on being grannie (which I hate) rather than granny as it's her first grandchild. She has calmed down a little bit as she now let's other people hold the baby too at family meet ups. Everyone (her husband and daughters) were too scared to ask her to share for the first few visits! Very odd. My family are just so very different to my husband's.

Another example is it is very frowned upon to go on holiday when it is someone in the family's birthday, especially the parents. We have had to go on holiday at more expensive times of the year because if this. I could understand if it was a big bday or if there were children involved or something, but no, just regular adult ones. There has to be a family meal and there must be a lot of fuss over the cake/cake entrance. It's mad. My dad just sends a card and calls me up, that's all I want.

My husband and I have been discussing the c word. We've been together for 10 years but never spent Xmas morning together as we both prefer our own families and traditions. Now we have a child we are going to spend it together. I have suggested we have the morning together at home then drive to his parents house for lunch. He is worried this will set off a tradition and we'll be expected every year, even if he explains that not to be the case. His family spend get up at 6am ush (mil's insistence, only adults there), spend the day in pj's, eat a lot, don't drink and watch lots of Xmas tv. My family (for reference live too far away to drive on the day) stay in bed as long as any children allow, get dressed (I like to put on a nice but festive outfit), eat a lot, tv is banned for the day, lots of games and some full of food and drink snoozes on the sofa. Husband is worried that if I go to their Xmas that pil and sils will not relax etc. as I'd be there. They'd also have to cook very differently to their usual as I can't eat milk products (dd allergic through my milk) and there would be a lot of fuss made about this both in lead up and on the day, even though I'm more than happy to just skip the bread sauce, yorkshires etc. Basically no-one would relax for the whole day but they'd love to see dd I'm sure. I still think we should go...

Sorry, this is all just me blabbering on while bored in the middle of the night. I'll shut up now and no need to reply to my whinging.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 23/09/2016 05:53

I've written thank you cards for gifts since I could write and wouldn't have dreamt of expecting my mother or my MIL to do it for me. YANBU. The thanks should come from the receiver not anyone else. Cannot understand why your mil would expect to be involved. Thank you cards are just courtesy and good manners.

BoxofSnails · 23/09/2016 06:16

YANBU re the thank you card. In my world, they are most definitely sent after new baby presents, and to certain relatives at birthday and Christmas.
And I also think, out of your therapeutic essay! - that to say "my family will not relax if you are there" is really outrageous! Very inhospitable and, yes, rude.

NataliaOsipova · 23/09/2016 11:28

Off to your parents then - or stay at home? What is your DH proposing for Christmas?

MiddleClassProblem · 23/09/2016 11:48

Separate issue but could you go to your family on Xmas eve (it's a Saturday this year) and then go to his family on Boxing Day or the day after as it will also be a bank hol?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 23/09/2016 12:24

I'd go somewhere for Xmas.

We were so looking forward to our own Christmas when our boys were born (they were 11 months old their first Christmas). It was soooo boring! Hardly any presents to open, kids too little to give a shit, making a roast dinner for the two of us.....

It's much nicer to go somewhere where there's one less mundane job to do.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 23/09/2016 12:30

I'd go somewhere for Xmas.

We were so looking forward to our own Christmas when our boys were born (they were 11 months old their first Christmas). It was soooo boring! Hardly any presents to open, kids too little to give a shit, making a roast dinner for the two of us.....

It's much nicer to go somewhere where there's one less mundane job to do.

BertrandRussell · 23/09/2016 12:32

My mum sat and addressed thank you cards for us because I was getting in a flap about not having sent them. She also did other stuff for us. It's called helping out. It's what family members should do for each other.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 23/09/2016 12:33

Sorry for the double post it keeps doing that to me at the moment!

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 23/09/2016 12:39

Of course you or your dh should write the card (and of course a card should be sent!). Anything else would be rude. Your Mil needs to step back.

I think you should write all the cards though. Men don't seem sufficiently evolved for that sort of thing.

CodyKing · 23/09/2016 12:47

I think you should write all the cards though. Men don't seem sufficiently evolved for that sort of thing.

How are the 1950's?

Cocolepew · 23/09/2016 12:47

Nobody can go on holiday if there is a birthday?!
Fuck that

iwannapuppy · 23/09/2016 14:07

YANBU. If someone gives a gift to your baby then its up to you as parents to write the thank you. Otherwise it makes you look ungrateful. Your DH should write the card as its his family. My OH thinks I should write thank you cards to his family and he should write them to my family (because he knows my family are tight and don't do gifts!!).

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