AIBU? Husband, MiL and a thank you card

[seven201]

Sorry this is unnecessarily long!

We had a baby 3 months ago and have sent out thank you cards. When we sent them about 6 weeks ago mil offered' insisted under the pretence of being helpful to write the envelopes for her side of the family. She has distinctive hand writing and would love that people had noticed she had been involved in the cards. I let her do it. My husband is shit and never got round to writing his side of the cards so in the end I did his distant relative ones. I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted them done.

Anyhow, this weekend his mum turns up with a dress from my husband's great aunt. While I'm not in the room she offers to write the card (we have a stack of those photo cards) and post it for my husband and my husband agrees. She is only offering so she can get the glory. When she was about to leave she asks him for a card and I discover what's happened and say 'no, we can do it'. mIL looks pissed off but accepts this. I just suggested to my husband that he go write the bloody card and he doesn't want to and says I should have let his mum and he thought I would do it as I'd said no to his mum. He is thirty fucking three! I said his mum was rude for even offering and let him know his age in case he had forgotten that he's not. 3. He says he doesn't even see his great aunt so his mum could do it. He is now stomping around the house in a mega mood.

So... Is it acceptable to get your mum to write thank you cards for you when you're an adult? Have I been a bitch? I don't think so but maybe I have. I shouldn't have said his mum was rude though, I know that. I wish the concept of thank you cards didn't even exist. This is a ridiculous argument.

I imagine the great aunt to be a little old lady of 'that generation', so would appreciate a hand written card from you. not MIL.

I think TownMouse summed it up nicely.

Agree with you - your MIL shouldn't write it! Suspect my DH would be the same though...!

Oh good I'm not a complete shit. We apologised to each other so all fine now. We were both in the wrong in ways.

I think mil does still put dh's name on Xmas cards! She also buys him pyjamas every Xmas to wear on Xmas day. He hasn't worn them on Xmas day since he was a teenager and he wears boxers to bed and she knows that. They go to charity every year. I think she found it hard to let him go. He does let her treat him like a child though so it's not all her fault. She's just very into cards so I suppose she did mean well.

YANBU. It's not your MIL's job to write thank you cards for gifts you have received. She should butt out. She can keep reminding her son to write it (or you) but not actually take over and writing them herself. If I received a card from her (recognising the handwriting) in your name, I would be offended that you delegated the job to somebody else when I was kind enough to give you a gift.

"I would be a bit hmm if I received a thank you card from someone who
wasn't the receiver"

Me too. That's way OTT and over invested of her! YANBU.

If she has time on her hands to worry about sending cards, why not get her a job stuffing envelopes?

Yep, it is a ridiculous argument. Life is way too short so make peace with each other and move on. Is all this grief really worth it? Over a card?

Definitely yanbu.

I'm also a bit at the people saying they don't do thank you cards, or are annoyed when they receive them!! I hate sending presents and not knowing if they got there. I also think it's bloody rude not to say thank you!

It's unreasonable for a parent to write a thank you card for a child (who is capable of writing), let alone for an adult child!

OP, YANBU.

Such a fine line between good intentions and taking over completely.

I think the only person at fault here is blooming DH!

Yeah, I'd think it was weird that your MIL wrote a thank you card for a present you/your husband got. And very pisspoor that he didn't pull his weight on thanking people in the first place.

I like writing TU cards. I don't have phone or email for some people who sent our baby presents anyway, so it was the only way we had to thank them, but both our families send/like them too.

Pasbeau - I really hate receiving thank you cards. Such a waste of time and effort. I didn't give to receive.

Wait, what do you mean she would steal your glory by writing a thank you card?! What bloody glory? Oooo, lookie at that penmanship and the well crafted words... Did you see how she cleverly added the "ever soooo much" with the extra Os? Such manners

Thank you cards surely went out of vogue about twenty years ago.
Rod for your own back and all that .
Sounds like a power struggle with your mil. If I offered to do something similar for my dil( I wouldn't) she would jump at the chance I think as long as no one would find out I suppose.
Just put' thankyou for your kind gift' at the bottom of ten cards and leave her to address the envelopes appropriately!

YANBU, not one little bit and I'm staggered by some of the responses here. Your MIL was not being helpful, she was being interfering. It doesn't matter whether your DH ever sees his relative or jot, relative went to the trouble of buying and sending something to your baby. It would have taken him 1 min to write a card.

MIL sounds like a busybody - take care. I'd actually be quite offended if I sent a gift to somebody's baby and got a thank you card which I knew to be written by the grandparent. Worse than not sending one IMO.

I laughed at the 'thirty fucking three' - we have these very same arguments!

YANBU

I'm pleased you have both apologised & made up, life's too short to stay angry.

However, that said, I think you need to have a discussion about appropriate behaviour & adult behaviour/responsibility. He's 33, he's married & has a child - you are a unit. He is supposed to be an adult within that unit, not still acting like his mummy's little boy. I think it's lovely when people stay close to their parents, but not if they're still act g like children or using their parents. Your MIL needs to stop acting like he's a small child too, you need a united front over this. He should have said 'Thanks Mum, that's a kind offer, but being an adult and all, I need to do my own thank you cards or it'll look like I'm rude & we can't be having that can we! 😊' Be kind, but firm.

You need to talk to DH & get all if this sorted out now or you'll end up being treat like children & her organising all kinds of things like christens & first birthday parties!

About the glory comment. I am not sending them for glory, I'm just doing it to be polite and thankful. I think it was very nice of them so think it's a nice thing to send a card. Mil's family are very into cards and presents. She often tells me about so and so complimenting her choice of card, hand writing, wrapping etc. She would get some appreciation from the family in some way, maybe glory isn't the right word. She brings these kinds of thing up to give people the opportunity to say she has done something well etc. I'm not turning this into a slating my mil thread, I'm just explaining the dynamic because it answers the glory question. She loves our dd to bits and I want everyone to get along. She's not my kind of person and that doesn't make her a bad person. sometimes I find her annoying when she's not done anything 'wrong'. I try my best to get over 'it' as I know I am being a bit ridiculous. My dh agrees she can be very difficult by the way.

About the glory comment. I am not sending them for glory, I'm just doing it to be polite and thankful. I think it was very nice of them so think it's a nice thing to send a card. Mil's family are very into cards and presents. She often tells me about so and so complimenting her choice of card, hand writing, wrapping etc. She would get some appreciation from the family in some way, maybe glory isn't the right word, but she is doing it so people notice trust me. She brings these kinds of thing up to give people the opportunity to say she has done something well etc. She's probably insecure and looking for reassurance. I've only just readied this and now feel bad! I'm not meaning to turning this into a slating my mil thread, I'm just explaining the dynamic because it answers the glory question. She loves our dd to bits and I want everyone to get along. She's not my kind of person but that doesn't make her a bad person. sometimes I find her annoying when she's not done anything 'wrong'. I try my best to get over 'it' as I know I am being a bit ridiculous. My dh agrees she can be very difficult by the way.

Sorry for the double post, it said it hadn't posted!

Gingerbread, good point. We do need to have a chat about it, I will pick a good time.

Thank you cards have never gone out of vogue for polite people

Well a photo signed with a thankyou for the gift might be nice and quite easy .. Mil can do the envelopes .

Nip this in the bud now op, it will only get worse as time goes on believe me.

Today its thank you cards, next she will try and take over your baby's birthday/ first Christmas etc etc. This is what they do.

Surely you don't write a thank you card if it wasn't you who received the gift? I agree with you OP. But you are going to have to write the card yourself it seems.

(Waiting for your next thread... :) )

Hahaha at 'waiting for your next thread'.