To think many people don't understand fostering

[Thefishewife]

There have been a fair few threads about foster children being treated differently with family's to hard or to soft

Aibu to think people don't realise your not a law on to yourself and can't just do what you want some social workers and birth parents are fab and just let you get on meaning to can do as you see fit but some sw and birth parents are a nightmare wanting to control evey aspect of the child from a far even trying to tell you what they want you to feed the children

when your thinking about behavioural management as a foster carer you having to take on board the views of the following people

The child's social worker
Your social worker
The Health visitor
The reviewing officer
The child's guardian
Nursey
gp

And the birth parents
All will have Diffrent views of how things should be done often a plan is made and you the one who actually looks after the child has to try and follow it

Also even for foster carers of older children because your not the legal parent they can always appeal to there sw about any punishment that is given I would imagine most people would find parenting diffcult if Somone else had a Vito over any punishment you dished out

For for example I may take away pocket money from my children but my foster child's sw may not agree with that course of reprimand so you can't do it hence your child and the foster child end up being treated Diffrently is easily done

And on another note the children may need to be treated Diffrently due to therapeutic reasons I am quite a shouty mum usually but we did have one little girl that I absolutely couldn't be this way with she was way to fragile

I would like to think I loved all the children as my own but it saddens me to say I couldn't treat them as my own I simply wasn't allowed to

I had children who were not allowed to attend Cubs and because of there legal status I had to go along with it I had one child who I couldn't take on Hoilday eveyone went to Disney land birth mum would give over the passport to be fair sw tried everything she wouldn't have it in the end my kids went with there dad and I stayed at home with my FC however we ened up having this girl for 4 years and tbh I needed a Hoilday so we put her in respite when we went away I guess it did look like we were dumping her and running off on Hoilday with our own kids to People who didn't know us but what things look like and the reality of getting passports off birth parents or getting to sighn consent forms for clubs or party's when there trying to retain every bit of control is a nightmare

That's what most don't foster it's bloody hard

In a ideal world the sw would just give you the children trust the assments they have done and let you get on not many foster carers experience fostering like that.🙁

Any questions please ask as I am sure myself and all the lovey mumsnet foster carers will be happy to answer

laughing t the idea of fostering "shouldn't be paid" - it isn't, you get normally an allowance which might or might not cover your expenses. I've done foster carers who have had to spend thousands of pound repeatedly redecorating. They were fostering at a substantial loss.

poster raspberrysuicide Thu 22-Sep-16 18:04:39
Someone I know who fosters dresses her own children in Boden and the foster kids in supermarket clothes. Her kids have ipads and every known device and the foster kids have nothing.
They take their own kids out for the day and on holiday but leave the foster kids behind.
It's very unfair especially as they can only afford all that because of having the foster children!
i dress my kids in boden sadly my foster children parents wanted them in juicey tracksuits and trainers also some t shirts that were innaproprate ss have to let birth parents get on with it so they can use all of these things as evidence in court depending on what section a child is under the birth parents retain PR it's about control and proving ss can't tell them what to do

I once took a 5 week old baby for contact only for her to comeback with pierced ears 🙁 Even things down to what cream your useing the battles are endless

Walkingblind
what a shame about the government's focus on funding rather than welfare

As usual expediency trumps ethics.

I had no idea what was involved in fostering, but friends of ours did adopt two older children (early teens), siblings. They were a nightmare, to put it mildly - so emotionally and psychologically damaged. One of them (the younger) eventually calmed down a lot and became "liveable-with" - the other continued to steal, run away, tae drugs and get drunk, would disappear for days o end and then come home because they needed money, pestered our friends' parents for money and bullied them - it was dreadful and their marriage didn't survive.

Also just like to point out its not always with birth parents sometimes sw like to flex there muscles and Mirco manage

And make it clear who the boss is

Also just like to point out its not always with birth parents sometimes sw like to flex there muscles

Very very true

I once was told to get my baby snow suit for my baby as she always looks cold by a aw not even my sw

It was June 😳

Can i point out that not all birht parents of children who have to be fostered are not dysfunctional, chaotic or neglecting. There are nany reasons why a young person needs to be fostered. However a general perception seems to be that those are the only reasons?

Thanks for that post about why adoption may not work for older children Olivia. For personal reasons I've always taken an interest in adoption threads on MN and I think I've learned a lot, but your post made me understand something new.

Fishwife. Spot on! Everyone seems to have an opinion about how Foster Carers treat foster children differently to their own children. The very reason I gave up fostering after 12 years was because

1. I was not allowed to allow my 10 year old foster child out to play with her school friends - My own 9 year old ds was allowed. Hence a great deal of controversy between the children and a great deal of intimidation towards foster child by her peer group, as going out to play in the local park is the norm where we live. The park is at the end of the street. SS insisted that foster child was not allowed outside the door unless supervised by foster carer.
2. We were prevented from attending my son's passing out parade with the Army as foster children are not allowed to be left with anyone who hasn't been vetted. My own younger children were being looked after by my mum but as mum hadn't been requested to complete a CRB check she want allowed to care for foster child. SS did not come up with alternative "suitable" respite care for foster child.
3. A child we had fostered for 3 years, and we were hoping to adopt, was not allowed to come on holiday abroad with us (We had paid for the child to accompany us and had no reason to think he wouldn't) because his mother did not consent. Instead the child had to go into respite care for two weeks. He absolutely hated it (who can blame him?) and his behaviour deteriorated when we returned. It was the most miserable holiday my family had to endure.
4. I was not allowed to take fostered children for a haircut until I received consent from a birth parent. Even if the child was struggling to see past his/her fringe.
5. I cant count how many times I have had to spend wiping their tears when their parents didn't turn up for much longed for contact - But we needed to take them for contact, only to be let down, week in, week out to satisfy SW's that parents were not interested.
6. I did not allow my own daughters to have their ears pierced until they entered Senior School. I was instructed by SW to take a 2 year old fostered child to have her ears pierced, in accordance with her birth mother wishes.
7. A 12 year old frequently stormed out of the house and went "missing" if ever I chastised her for bunking off school, smoking, drinking cider, attracting the attention of middle aged men......... I was told I was to just call the police to find her, go to the police station to collect her and it wasn't my job to worry about her or punish her..... How can that apply to one child when my actions towards my own dd of a similar age would have been so much different?
8. When my 5 year old was sexually assaulted by a 7 year old foster child I asked for the child to be moved as my son was not safe in his own bed. That move took 5 months....

There are plenty more instances but to satisfy those who say "I could never be a foster carer. I couldn't give them back". Lets just say "Try it" before you condemn those who are doing it and who would love to see the system changed to more suitably accommodate the needs of fostered children and their own families.

I always got the impression from the "Oh I could never foster. I couldn't give them back" that I must be a heartless cow. Fostering simply means providing a safe, loving and stimulating home for a child until s/he either returns to his/her family or moves on to a forever family.

If you "wouldn't want to give them back" then there are plenty of children who are waiting for forever, adoptive homes. Go for it....

Agree with everything Purple. Might steal your response to the PA 'couldn't give them back' crap.

OP YANBU

Someone once said to a family member that the FC she has should feel "grateful" to live with her.

Kids don't think like that in most cases they would rather live under a box with their abusive or neglectful parent than with a foster parent because as with most children, they want their "own mum"

They are angry. Very angry. Understandably. At the unfairness of it all. Who is present to be on the receiving end of the anger. You, the carer. Not the parent, for whom a fantasy narrative is often invented.

Meetings are endless, fucking endless, and involve a revolving door of professionals some of whom will fundamentally disagree with what you feel is in the childs interest.

My family, have been ace at including the fostered children in everything, all holidays and family occasions but once, one had to be left behind because consent was refused by the authority over hotel arrangements (who the child could/couldn't share with ) the reason was arbitrary and didn't take into account the childs needs as an individual.

There is zero continuity, one child had 8 or 9 social workers in six years.

I HAVE seen families who have treated foster children second class and it's disgusting and heartbreaking. In one case the money for the foster child was basically funding the biological child's costly hobby.

It is not so simple as offering a child a "nice home"

I hate the 'big business' aspect of the fostering funding - private investment firms that own restaurant chains creaming millions from British taxpayers. Huge profits going to shareholders instead of the children.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/05/07/fostering-children-is-big-business/

Its a shame LA's are inept at meeting the needs of the children in their care and allow them to integrate into their foster families. If LA's were fit for purpose foster carers wouldn't feel the need to look for alternative provision. This article sounds as ridiculous as the exclaimed "Children are snatched from normal, loving families and put up for adoption to meet Social Services adoption targets" tbh. What a load of bunkem!

I agree with your point re the article purple, it was more the funding/profits distribution that I was focused on.

The ear piercing of the 2 year old is shocking, what would the repercussions be of saying no? Would they have removed the child? It's sounds so much more difficult than I could have even thought

I thought that these days foster carers are being encouraged to make more day to day decisions, such as whether a child needs a haircut or whether they can play at a friend's house etc? I know in my LA those things are allowed in most cases.

When my foster children first came to me I asked their parents' permission when they needed their hair cut and then after that I've always just got it done when I've felt it needed doing. Similarly, when I got the first form from school asking if children could be in photographs I asked parents, they said yes, so ever since I'd said yes on every other form. I say yes to school trips etc without asking anyone. I think when it's residential I do need permission from social services (this hasn't come up yet), but day trips I can just say yes to.

I've/the children have chosen the children's activities and don't ask mum and dad if they can do them. Eg. Cubs/Beavers. If a friend invites them over I decide if they can go or not. When one child was ill and I needed the other collecting from school I was allowed to ask mums I know to pick him up, even though they're not DBS checked.

I think I'm very lucky that my LA seems to leave foster carers alone a lot of the time to look after the children how we see fit. And my children's parents are not horrid people. I get on with them quite well, and I'm grateful that they seem happy to let me get on with raising the children. I realise not every foster carer has that luxury.

This thread is a real eye opener. I have siblings who work in ss and thought I knew a bit more than the average person but there are points here I hadn't considered, such as the birth parents withholding passports/permission to join clubs etc. Fostering is something dh and I are hoping to do when our children are older. We will be late 40's/50's. Thanks for offering to answer questions if you can op. I might come back to this in the morning.

"I thought that these days foster carers are being encouraged to make more day to day decisions, such as whether a child needs a haircut or whether they can play at a friend's house etc? I know in my LA those things are allowed in most cases.

When my foster children first came to me I asked their parents' permission when they needed their hair cut and then after that I've always just got it done when I've felt it needed doing. Similarly, when I got the first form from school asking if children could be in photographs I asked parents, they said yes, so ever since I'd said yes on every other form. I say yes to school trips etc without asking anyone. I think when it's residential I do need permission from social services (this hasn't come up yet), but day trips I can just say yes to.

I've/the children have chosen the children's activities and don't ask mum and dad if they can do them. Eg. Cubs/Beavers. If a friend invites them over I decide if they can go or not. When one child was ill and I needed the other collecting from school I was allowed to ask mums I know to pick him up, even though they're not DBS checked.

I think I'm very lucky that my LA seems to leave foster carers alone a lot of the time to look after the children how we see fit. And my children's parents are not horrid people. I get on with them quite well, and I'm grateful that they seem happy to let me get on with raising the children. I realise not every foster carer has that luxury"

School pics for the newspaper are a big no-no here. There have been times when my foster children have had to stand in front of the other children shouting "Smile!" because LA does not want their birth parents to know where they are - for obvious reasons. And sometimes "Just because they are children in care and we cant rock the boat".

It sounds like you have had no problem with birth parents yet Kits. (That will change!). Or maybe your foster children's SW is realistic and pro-active? We have experienced some brilliant SW's and also some dire ones :(

It's such a shame when children, who find themselves in care, through no fault of their own (ever!) are not allowed a "normal" childhood simply because of red tape. I believe every child is different and have different needs, according to their individual circumstances. No child should be placed in a "box" and labelled. Obviously there ae reasons why anonymity must be maintained - but that shouldn't prevent every child within the care system from having their photograph in the paper, along with their schoolmates.

Too many tick charts, too many predjudices, too many stereotyping, too much emphasis put on parents wishes and too much fannying about SW's worrying about losing their jobs, rather than making sure the children on the case loads are enjoying a "normal" childhood. In this area there is no way children in care would be allowed to sleep over a friends house - unless friends parents could provide an up to date, clear CRB check. How bloody sad is that?

Are children placed in long term placement still subjected to the same bureaucracy? Surely if you are effectively becoming the primary caregiver, it can't be practical to have to run every decision past sw. I do understand from the bp's point of view that they want a say in things.

There are way too many unilaterally enforced blanket rules the child that got left behind on holiday, they wouldn't bend a blanket rule for his individual needs. Photos in a paper is a good example. The child before last, the family knew what school he was at anyway! There was no actual benefit from his not being in photos.

I wanted to take a foster child camping once, around 10 years ago. We had to buy a much bigger tent before we sent the request in, which cost a fortune, as I don't have a car, and it had to be very light weight. We had to fill in many forms, and attend meetings. We had to contact social services in the area we intended to camp, with the specific dates we were going, before they could processs our request. We had to agree not to be out and about in the afternoons, so either social services could come buy and do an unannounced inspection. So we had to pay for the tent, equipment, travel and campsite in advance, and take time off work to go to meetings to apply for permission. They didn't say no. They just in fact never got round to making a decision at all.

Also, if you have ever been a foster carer, even for a week, you are advised to remain legally insured for the rest of your life. I paid a lump sum for life long insurance, but the company went bust and I lost that money too.

I had no idea so thanks for offering the insight. I do think though from what I've seen the fc system and adoption system needs a massive shake up to give the fc/adopters more rights, everything seems to be slanted towards birth parents. We have room and suffer secondary infertility but couldn't consider adopting as I wouldn't want a disruptive family who could be involved in drugs etc brought into my sons life. But hats off to anyone who does what you do you do an amazing job