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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want another baby?

54 replies

Karrot · 21/09/2016 15:31

We always wanted two children, but after a horrible pregnancy with DS1 (hyperemesis, PUPPs rash and various other unpleasant things), for a long time, we thought we were done. He was also a bit of a tricky baby/toddler and I also suffered quite badly with PND. We have no family support nearby, though my DP is very hands on.

He is now 5 and we're considering another - but only really, so that he's not an only child. I feel horrible that he wouldn't have a sibling if we didn't do it again and the number of people who have confirmed that fear - from close friends who have confessed their "relief" that he wouldn't be an only one when I've said we were finally considering having another baby, to the randoms who have told me that I'd be scarring my child for life by not having a second - is enormous.

We're at the point now where it's a bit now or never - I'm not getting any younger and the age gap is already pretty big. But the idea of actually going through it all again terrifies me. My DP feels the same - he knows how hard it was for me the first time around and the baby stage wasn't exactly a walk in the park for him either - so there's no pressure from him, we just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

puglife15 · 21/09/2016 16:43

Sorry, DS not DD!

Laiste · 21/09/2016 16:43

It's a case of the clock ticking. Gap getting bigger and bigger, you not getting any younger ect. forcing the issue. I get it.

If i were you i would decide to TTC for X no. of months and then, if nothings happened, re-evaluate how you feel. Give yourself advanced permission to stop at that point. Give yourself permission to go with how you feel at the time. You might find after actually trying you swing violently towards wanting another. Or you might joyfully think: 'There, we've tried, that's the end of it' and get on with life.

(i'm an only and i'm perfectly well adjusted and lovely btw )

IceBeing · 21/09/2016 16:45

We are in the same place...horrible pregnancy, horrible childbirth, horrible PND and PTSD, horrible baby when it comes to it (although obviously not DD's fault she turned out that way).

There is no way I would risk my body/sanity on doing it again. I hate that my plan for 3 kids is dead and I hate that DD will be an only child. But I would hate the potential consequence of going through all that again on me, my DH and most importantly on DD. She didn't really have a mother for several years...and she would be likely losing me for another several years...and now she is old enough to remember and to miss what she has known....

So no, no way would I risk putting her through that.

Original poster

Karrot · 21/09/2016 16:48

Laiste, in a way, that would be the ideal scenario and take the pressure off...but a bit risky, considering that last time it took a week Right, actually going now...

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/09/2016 16:48

I'm with those saying don't have a baby because you feel you should. Only have one if you both want one.

I know lots of people have this fear that only children can't be happy, but I had a sibling and we didn't get on. Still don't really, though we can be polite and grown up. I think we would both have been better off as only children. I have several friends who were only children and were perfectly happy, and others who felt they were lonely. I have another friend who was abused by her brother and others who are really close to theirs. You can't know that having another child will be better or worse for the first. You can just try and make the lives of all your family, you and your DH included, as good as possible.

Fintress · 21/09/2016 16:50

My daughter is an only child as I was advised to have no more children due to being extremely ill immediately after she was born and diagnosed with a chronic disease when she was 3 weeks old. She certainly hasn't been scarred for life. She never wanted a baby brother or sister, she only wanted big brothers 😄.

It's your choice, nothing to do with anyone other than you and your husband.

RatherBeRiding · 21/09/2016 16:50

Only child here - not scarred for life! I undoubtedly got a good deal in the sense that my parents were very generous to me both as a child and as an adult - not spoiled, just they were very generous both to me and my DC (their only GC). I never, ever missed a sibling except possibly when both parents were elderly and ailing, but then you read on here so often that other siblings don't pull their weight etc.

I know plenty of other only children - at least two of my friends didn't want to go through another pregnancy. Their children are delightfully well balanced children, plenty of friends, good social life. Neither have expressed missing out on siblings.

And remember - some siblings just DO NOT get on. My DP has a 4/5 year age gap with his only sibling. They don't not get on, but were never close growing up.

If you don't want another, definitely don't feel guilty about the "only child" scenario.

Original poster

Karrot · 21/09/2016 16:51

Oh and icebeing - I totally understand. It's horrible, isn't it. Not good for you, but good to know am not only one who feels like this...

OP posts:

Bonywasawarriorwayayix · 21/09/2016 16:58

The only reason to have a child is because you definitely want to. That applies to DC1 or DC10. I don't believe in having a sibling for the first child to have company.

DS is an only. We planned on having two but after I had a MC we realised we'd only planned on two as that's 'normal'. It was odd changing plans and challenging when friends had their DC2s but we're now sure it was right for us and DS.

Obsidian77 · 21/09/2016 17:00

The phrases that really jump out for me from your post are horrible pregnancy, only really, so that he's not an only child and the idea of actually going through it all again terrifies me.
Those are not positive reasons.
I don't understand why it's not considered completely socially unacceptable to bother people with your opinions on how many children they should have.
Are the randoms at the supermarket going to do the night feeds? Are your "relieved" friends going to chip in to fund your DC's studies or help him get on the housing ladder. Nobody is going to help you raise the kid they fucking think you should have (sorry, that got a bit ranty).
If you've reached a stage in your life where you're enjoying your child and your family set-up, don't change that for any reason other than because you and your DP really, really want to.
It's fine to have an only child and I think the idea that they are somehow spoilt has been comprehensively debunked.

Greydiddi · 21/09/2016 17:03

Hi OP

I was in a very similar situation to you after my DS1 ( HG and PND which was ongoing, plus a DH who worked away and no family support and a non sleeping baby who turned into a very early waking toddler). I also had worries about DS being an only child but couldn't face pregnancy/birth/early years. I felt really torn by what to do.

I then had a contraceptive failure that resulted in a pregnancy. I was terrified and suffered AND. I even considered having an abortion as I really felt I couldn't go through pregnancy/birth and being a mother again. My lovely consultant referred me to a psychiatrist. The help she gave me really made a huge difference and as a result the birth was a totally different experience for me. By luck my DS2 is a much easier baby and I had also out in place extra help and had a plan for PND when it returned ( which it did but less badly).

I feel very, very lucky as in many ways my experience with my 2nd DC healed me of some of the stuff I had leftover from DC1. Even though having two is hard it also made me a 'better' mother. I found the knowledge I had second time round made everything easier. Obviously though this is only my experience.

Anyway I only mention this to say that if you did decide you wanted to try for a second DC, or even maybe in thinking about going ahead, it may be worth seeing if you could get some help.

scampimom · 21/09/2016 17:07

OP, apart from the bit about having a supportive DH, I could have written your post.

For me, though, my husband really wants another one and keeps talking about if and when it happens. I just can't face it, and feel like I'm not a "proper" mother if I don't really want to do it again.

Losingtheplod · 21/09/2016 17:10

If you have another one now, it will be a minimum of a 5 or 6 year age gap, so when your eldest is 18 the youngest will be 12 or 13. They may or may not, be close as adults, but they are not going to be at the same stage as children at all. Add to that, the attention your DS will potentially lose from you, when you are feeling rubbish through pregnancy, and dealing with a newborn, then I am not sure how much he will gain. If you and your DH want another child, then you should definitely go for it, but I really don't think doing it for your DS is a good idea.

PrincessOG16 · 21/09/2016 17:10

I'm having the same quandary at the moment.

Good luck in your decision

Terrifiedandregretful · 21/09/2016 17:18

I 100% don't want a second baby. I found the baby stage so awful I just couldn't do it again. I also have a pretty troubled relationship with my siblings so I know first hand siblings aren't neccessarily good for each other. It also helps that my best friend is an only and is evangelical about how great it is.

ElodieS · 21/09/2016 17:21

I don't think being an only child is scarring or problematic at all, so I wouldn't be swayed by that.

After we had DTs I was certain we wouldn't have any more, it was just such hard work and so worrying that I was thrilled when they were bigger and we were past all that. They're 4 now and I'm expecting DC3, and so far this pregnancy has been totally different, so it can happen.

Fortunatepiggy · 21/09/2016 21:18

I'm having a similar dilemma but for different reasons. Pregnancy was fine birth not great ds never slept well and still doesn't at 3.5

Only just now feel that we could cope with another but no family support locally and career and finances and relationship just starting to get better. Can I put us through it all again? and am 40 so will be more risk and as ds is healthy and happy can we be so lucky again? And what if it's twins of what if the baby has health problems? and what impact will having a sibling at least 4 years younger ( if we are lucky and conceive ASAP) will it have on ds? Will they even play together anyway?

I am an only child and have no recollection of being lonely growing up and am very close to my parents. Also don't think I was spoilt although my parents were able to put me through uni which they wouldn't have been able to do if I had siblings. Dh has an older brother who is not at all close with and never has been. Aah decisions! X

RubbleBubble00 · 21/09/2016 21:30

I'm an only child. Loved being an only child. We had great hols, limited family income but we could do loads as there was only me, mum and dad. Iv never been lonely.

A 5 year gap, your older dc will not be interested in baby. You get stuck trying to find activities you can take both - friends really struggling with this. Her eldest really resents his wee sister at times, as being a toddler she really dictates things

PenelopeChipShop · 21/09/2016 21:43

Your DS won't blame you for a lack of siblings - but conversely he probably won't thank you if he ends up with one either!

The decision has to be entirely yours, take him out of it. Ideally a child should be wanted for their own sake.

I do sympathise a lot with your dilemma and fwiw I decided to have no.2 and she is such gift, I absolutely adore her. But of course I do, she's here now! I also had a fab time being able to give all my attention to my no.1 DC for nearly 4 years. Those days are gone for me now, he will always have to share me and though I'm sure he'll be fine, it's bittersweet to realise we can never get those days back. That is the one huge advantage of having an only.

Good luck in your decision X

couldntlovethebearmore · 21/09/2016 21:57

Don't feel the need to have another so your child has a sibling.
So many siblings despise each other and this continues throughout adulthood. Have a child if you want one not to please anyone else

PeachOwl · 21/09/2016 22:03

I had horrific hg in my first pregnancy and decided dc1 would be an only. Then fell pregnant and have an almost 5 year gap. Second pregnancy was so much harder and hg was worse but my 2 (I have one of each) get along great and are very close so the age gap shouldn't be a worry. A friend has 7 years between hers and they (a dd and a ds) also have a great relationship.

I'd also advise trying to prepare as much as possible and see if you can get your gp onside to give whatever meds work as soon as possible as it's my experience that hg gets worse each time.
BUT only do it if you want to. My last (failed) hg pregnancy has caused several long term health problems and I think people don't realise it's a big risk and not just a case of rest and eat crackers!!

SoftBlocks · 21/09/2016 22:06

Well said NewPotatoes.

Fortunatepiggy · 24/09/2016 07:45

Interesting perspectives for both sides here. Need to think!

ShebaShimmyShake · 24/09/2016 07:51

My husband is an only child, happy and successful, great upbringing. I have two sisters, we all hate each other and are products of an abusive home.

I've got no patience for morons who think reproducing is an act of morality in and of itself.

ChowBloomingMein · 24/09/2016 07:53

I agree ENTIRELY with DonaldStott

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