AIBU for being fuming with DP for his lack of contribution to household chores

[jennyjenjen16]

So myself and DP live together and are currently TTC. I've been FUMING with DP this month and his inability to help out around the house and I'm very keen to get this resolved before we have our first child together.

DP and I both currently work ft. He leaves the house at 7am and gets back around 6:30pm whereas I work 7:30-4:30pm. We have an agreement that whoever cooks dinner, the other will wash up. As a rule, DP cooks dinner every night and I will cook on the odd occasion (admittedly probably once a month or less, as DP likes to cook and hates washing up). I then wash up everything, make both of our lunches for the following day and also tidy up all the stuff left around the house from when DP has left for work in a hurry and left deodorant, hair wax out on the side etc. I normally clean each week, however DP does half-heartedly wipe the sides with Dettol wipes and skim around the place with a hoover on an ad-hoc basis (not to my standards). Again, I do 80% of the washing, but every now and then DP will put a load on or bring the washing in randomly but this is rare.

Our main argument is that I like to get things out of the way so that we can enjoy our evening and relax. When I ask DP to do something such as washing up after I've cooked, I expect him to do it. I do not expect for him to sit on the sofa "relaxing" and telling me what a hard day he's had and how he'll get round to it later in the evening (normally hours later or the next day), leaving me to nag him and feel stressed at the thought of dirty dishes festering away in the kitchen. He tells me he wont be told by me when he is to do something, he will do it when he feels ready

Despite numerous discussions about the topic, DP cannot see that he needs to do more and accuses me of being in the wrong for 'ordering' him to do things instantly. AIBU here or are my hormones getting the better of me

We actually work the same amount of hours but my workplace is 5 mins away from our house. DP however has quite a long commute each morning

Moles surely the choice to have a child should be based on the desire to have a child and not how much money you can squeeze out of your partner?

Well yes but people here are saying they need one hour to unwind after work!

Op it sounds a lot like me and my dh. He will cook, tidy a bit, do a bit of washing but hangs it up like you describe, or wastes 3 pegs on a pair of boxers! He doesn't really clean other than wiping the kitchen sides.

Your dp is out for long hours, he's obviously more laid back about housework.

Hopefully you can find a compromise.

Christian, a 12 hour commute each week. How horrendous.

How much would you like him to do around the house, OP?

• Christ not Christian. Stupid phone

YABU I'm like your DP and my DH is also like this so we have pretty equally low standards. I definitely don't peg stuff in the line properly anyway. People can't change there standards I've found. I'm happy to leave the washing up till the morning it would do my head in if someone was hassling me to do them just after I've eaten. There's the odd thing we have different standards on, like DH is shit at cleaning the bathroom, I have no idea what he actually does when he claims to have 'cleaned the bathroom'. Maybe he just flushes the toilet!? But I just accept that and do it myself. I know he doesn't think I Hoover properly though so he does most of the hoovering. Either accept the standards or I think it will just breed resentment.

It's an hour and 10 minutes a day isn't it?

My dh does that. I've done that as well as dropping a child off. It's hardly horrendous.

When he says he'll do the chores later, does he? If he does then I think you should try to let it go and leave him to do them at his own time.

OP he sounds so like my DP, he will leave doing everything until late and do half a job but he can't see it himself, he thinks he's done it properly. He has so many other good points that I decided it just wasn't worth the stress and I'm much happier since I just decided to do it all and not worry about it. I like everything done straight away and properly and with me doing it is is.

Op can you get a dishwasher? Really they are great.

What if you do all the washing but he puts it away?

It makes sense that you spend one hour doing a bit of housework like putting bins out putting washing in as you're home earlier.

He's cooking then you're clearing up and making lunches, sounds fair.

Can you agree on an hour weekend mornings where you clean the bathroom and he hoovers?

In the event of a split, expecting a child's father to contribute fairly to the upbringing of that child is perfectly reasonable (which is precisely what the MCA 1973 enshrines into law)

The problem is that in the years since 1973, social attitudes have changes and so many DCs are now born to unmarried parents. MCA (1973) can't be applied, hence DCs are left in poverty when their fathers fail to take their responsibilities seriously. This means that the State (i.e. the taxpayer) is obliged to foot the bill.

Obviously accidents happen, but to deliberately TTC when unmarried is very foolish, and places an unreasonable obligation on the rest of society.

I don't want to derail the thread, so this will be my last post on this subject, but to suggest that people who have reservations about the idea of TTC when not married are pearl clutching or stuck in 1950 is really quite ignorant and doing women a huge disservice.

I think YABU. As long as the chores get done within a reasonable timescale it's not for you to dictate when.

Ah Creative, Blurton - your posts did make me chuckle

I do feel a bit better about this now and I think we can work around it. I agree that sometimes it may be easier for me to just go ahead and do stuff rather than stressing myself and him out with all the nagging. Half the time he doesn't do things to my standards anyway and I only end up doing it again! That said, I will speak to him about things we can help each other out with, like I could do proper cleaning while he prances about with his hoover. Admittedly I also could do with letting things go a bit and lighting up a bit.... perhaps I'll just "relax" a bit more like DP

Neither of you is BU. But you have completely different expectations and wants regarding housework and you should probably split up.

It sounds like you have an almost OCD attitude towards cleaning and want it doing immediately to your standard which sounds like it is incredibly high. I think a lot of the reason you are doing more is because of your need to do things straight away rather than because he's lazy or selfish.

It sounds like he is much more relaxed and doesn't see anything wrong with leaving the dishes for a few hours and does housework to a reasonable but not high standard.

I suspect in terms of what is normal it will tend more towards DP rather than you. But neither approach is right or wrong. But it is something that makes you fundamentally incompatible and it's unlikely either of you will ever change without becoming very miserable. You're going to be unhappy with the house and feel like you're doing it all and constantly nagging. He's going to feel got at and unhappy if he's constantly having to do housework because you demand more time is spent on it than normal because of your high standards. You will resent each other.

Honestly, this really is an issue of compatibility and if I was you I would cut my losses and move on because it won't last.

The only way that relationships like this can work is if you're prepared to accept that you are the one with the high standards so take on the lions share of responsibility for reaching those standards. But really, you're asking him to turn into something he is not by being a compulsive cleaner, and he's asking you to be something you're not by asking you to relax your standards to accommodate him.

It won't work for either of you. Move on.

P.S. We are looking to buy our first home at the moment and we have both agreed that a dishwasher will be our first purchase!

What rubbish billsykesdog it's would be stupid to split up over cleaning if the rest of the relationship is good.

Neither of you is BU. But you have completely different expectations and wants regarding housework and you should probably split up.

That escalated quickly.

OP, I'd figure out exactly what you think is fair regarding the joust keeping, then have a chat with him about what he thinks is fair and go from there. Both of you are likely to have to compromise a little.

I hate hate hate doing chores as soon as I get in. I do cook usually as I enjoy it and DH cleans up. Around 9, once I've relaxed a bit, I can start doing chores. I tidy/wash/prepare breakfast/whatever is needed. I'd really hate someone rushing me to do sth so soon after getting in/after dinner. I just can't get myself to do it.

Nope. I honestly believe that. Look at all the threads you get on here where women are miserable and considering divorce because they feel they do all the housework. I also know people who have been very, very unhappy because they feel that their lives have been ruled by a partners obsession with cleanliness and they've wasted their lives scrubbing and washing when they could have been doing other things.

Living together and keeping house is absolutely fundamental to a relationship and you will be doing it if you're having children hopefully for the rest of your life.

It really is one of the few things that will be constant in a relationship. After the first flush of love has gone, the sex, the children, shared hobbies gone and your social life changed you will still be putting out bins, doing washing and cleaning the toilet. If you really do fundamentally differ on this to the point where it is causing problems early in a relationship it probably is best to cut your losses. All the threads on here where it's a big factor in failing marriages back that up.

I don't really know anyone who's perfectly suited in that respect though.

From what I've seen some people are just better at taking a deep breath and letting things go.

Obviously there are complete extremes at both ends.

Hmmmm

I'm your DH in this scenario.... 19 years on I haven't changed.

I would divide the chores up into yours and his, giving him ones that are time reliant. (sorting recycling and rubbish, washing, etc.... you stick to ones that drive you crazy if they aren't done immediately..)

I am at this OP because you could be describing my life, DH sounds similar, his priorities are different to mine and he does things 'differently' to me/ we are married 26 years, 2 grown up DS's and they have all branded me a control freak because I find it hard to cope with anything not done 'my way'... its true, I have mellowed a lot over the years and learnt the art of closing Ds's bedroom doors against the mess and not caring. I cannot however cope even now with the way DH hangs out washing and its a source of amusement to him as I either have to do it myself or wait until he has gone out and re do it! what I have learnt over the years is that it does not matter, my DC will not remember me for the tidy house I kept or whether I hung the washing out neatly or did the washing up within the hour. they will remember the fun, games, and laughter. DH loves me even when I am stropping about the fact its an hour after dinner and the kitchen is still a mess, he just says 'meh' it will be done, and he is right, it always is. our house (OUR HOUSE) is always nice when it needs to be, and lived in when its not important, we are happy, our boys were happy and I have learnt over the years to loosen up on the control freak tendencies, I get that you want things nice but step back and examine why it actually matters (if it does?) that it is done when you want it and how you want it and consider if, like me, you have some control freak tendencies going on?

My ex would occasionally offer to do the washing up. Then leave the dishes, sometimes for days. I would eventually weaken and wash them up myself, only to hear 'I was just about to do those!'. In his case it was passive aggressive control mechanism. I'm sure you're not in the same situation...maybe you both need to lighten up a bit?

Stepaway I have been known to retold washing that dh has folded the 'wrong' way.

I stress myself out massively over mess and its end up being counter productive.

Like I'll go to tidy the kitchen then start emptying all the cupboards and drawers to clean inside so it takes all day.

I totally overwhelm myself but I'm trying to relax a bit more on the agreement dh just helps me make sure the basics are done.

After the first flush of love has gone, the sex, the children, shared hobbies gone and your social life changed you will still be putting out bins, doing washing and cleaning the toilet.

Wow, depressing much...
If you want to end up just cleaning the toilet, fine, but many of us have aspirations of keeping the spark hot, and having a fun, sex filled, hobby full future ahead of ourselves.