AIBU for being fuming with DP for his lack of contribution to household chores

[jennyjenjen16]

So myself and DP live together and are currently TTC. I've been FUMING with DP this month and his inability to help out around the house and I'm very keen to get this resolved before we have our first child together.

DP and I both currently work ft. He leaves the house at 7am and gets back around 6:30pm whereas I work 7:30-4:30pm. We have an agreement that whoever cooks dinner, the other will wash up. As a rule, DP cooks dinner every night and I will cook on the odd occasion (admittedly probably once a month or less, as DP likes to cook and hates washing up). I then wash up everything, make both of our lunches for the following day and also tidy up all the stuff left around the house from when DP has left for work in a hurry and left deodorant, hair wax out on the side etc. I normally clean each week, however DP does half-heartedly wipe the sides with Dettol wipes and skim around the place with a hoover on an ad-hoc basis (not to my standards). Again, I do 80% of the washing, but every now and then DP will put a load on or bring the washing in randomly but this is rare.

Our main argument is that I like to get things out of the way so that we can enjoy our evening and relax. When I ask DP to do something such as washing up after I've cooked, I expect him to do it. I do not expect for him to sit on the sofa "relaxing" and telling me what a hard day he's had and how he'll get round to it later in the evening (normally hours later or the next day), leaving me to nag him and feel stressed at the thought of dirty dishes festering away in the kitchen. He tells me he wont be told by me when he is to do something, he will do it when he feels ready

Despite numerous discussions about the topic, DP cannot see that he needs to do more and accuses me of being in the wrong for 'ordering' him to do things instantly. AIBU here or are my hormones getting the better of me

[nephrofox]

What do you do for the 1.5 hours a day you're home before he comes in and makes dinner?

[WhateverWillBe]

When I ask DP to do something such as washing up after I've cooked, I expect him to do it. I do not expect for him to sit on the sofa "relaxing" and telling me what a hard day he's had and how he'll get round to it later in the evening

You don't expect it? YABVU. Good grief, I fucking hate being badgered to do something. If i'm planning on doing some cleaning or washing the dishes then i'll do it when i'm bloody well ready because i'm a grown up.

YOU preferring dishes to be done immediately is YOUR issue. Grit your teeth and let them sit until he does them in his own time.

[butterfliesandzebras]

We have a rule in our household. You can ask the other person to do a chore, OR you can have it done exactly the way you want. Not both.

Wasing up is currently one of my husbands responsibilities (by mutual agreement). I grab clean things from cupboard, use them, and I leave them in a designated 'sorry dishes' spot. After that I don't even think about them, because how and when he gets them clean and back in the cupboard is his job, and as long as he does get them done, it's none of my business.

I couldn't live with micromanaging another adult, or having them micromanaging me.

[Blueskyrain]

Totally agree Whatever.
He's an adult, you shouldn't be telling him when to do his chores, any more than he should be telling you.

If he wants to have a rest first, then you finding it hard to relax is really your problem. Either do the job yourself, if you want control over when it is done, or let him decide when he does it - in the same way that you make that decision.

You're both adults, and neither one of you has the 'right' way of doing something, you just both have different ways.

[Blueskyrain]

One sec, am I right in thinking this only happens 'once a month or less' anyway, because he does all the cooking, and you the washing up, except for the rare occasions when you switch?

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill if you are getting all naggy on him for something that isn't even an issue very often.

[Atenco]

We have a rule in our household. You can ask the other person to do a chore, OR you can have it done exactly the way you want. Not both

Sounds like a good rule.

OP, unless his standards are unbelievably low, in which case you have a serious problem, I think you should lower your standards and mindset about getting stuff done immediately.

Personally I am a disaster at housework and I would give up even my limited efforts if there was someone going around after me criticising or redoing everything.

[MidniteScribbler]

Gosh, the OP sounds like a pain in the arse to live with. Being nagged all the time to do things to her standards would drive me mental and I just wouldn't bother.

[MsJamieFraser]

I stop cleaning up after him, and show him how messy he is, put everything in a corner of the house, don't do his washing or make his lunch, or tidy up after him and then allow him to see how much your cleaning up after him

Tbf I do think if he's making the dinner then you should do the dishes, alternatively buy a dishwasher.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

When I ask DP to do something such as washing up after I've cooked, I expect him to do it. Yikes. There would be nothing more designed to make me sit on my arse.

I would move to We have a rule in our household. You can ask the other person to do a chore, OR you can have it done exactly the way you want. Not both. Because your way sounds awful.

I do agree that having a baby with someone without marriage isn't a great idea. Not because of the 1950s. I am very much a modern feminist. But the way the law works, you need to be bloody careful. Lots of women in Relationships being booted out of their family home because it belongs to their partner years after having thrown their careers away having babies.

[timeforabrewnow]

Gosh, the OP sounds like a pain in the arse to live with. Being nagged all the time to do things to her standards would drive me mental and I just wouldn't bother.

^^
That

Mind you - I am quite slovenly - and don't care. It's also an unwritten/unspoken rule in our house that if you cook, the other person washes up. However, I wouldn''t dictate when the washing up had to be done.

As others have said - get a dishwasher- (and then argue about emptying/filling it properly etc). Or - try to relax a bit and get a cat?

[corythatwas]

butterfliesandzebras Wed 21-Sep-16 21:09:19

"We have a rule in our household. You can ask the other person to do a chore, OR you can have it done exactly the way you want. Not both."

This. If the OP had come on complaining that her dh was never satisfied with the standards of her cleaning and expected her to jump to anything he told her immediately, she would have got a lot of sympathy.

I am reminded of my own mum who, whilst complaining bitterly about not getting the same respect from colleagues as my dad, still expected to be deferred to as the expert when it came to housework. He was (and still is) very much a junior assistant, despite working just as hard as her in the house.

[80sMum]

IMO, the person with the best advice on this thread has been Molesbreathless.

I too would advise anyone not to start a family until they are married.

[Froginapan]

Couldn't agree more, moles.
It's all hearts and flowers and daffodils and if things go wrong you can find yourself homeless, with a child. It happened to me.

[SpookyPotato]

I would hate being nagged like this, total relationship killer. I wash up in this house and I'll do it when I want. I want to relax after tea! If you want it done quicker then do it yourself.

[SheldonsSpot]

If you get home 2 hours before your DP, I'd expect most of the 'housework' to be done by you.

I mean seriously, 2 adults, no kids, out of the house all day - how much cleaning does your house need.

If I came in from work at 6.30pm and cooked the tea most nights, and on a rare occasion, "once a month or less" my DH (who had already been home for 2 hours ) cooked, but then started banging on about dishes and giving me the snide eye because hoovering or whatever hadn't been done to his standards, I'd tell him to get lost.

[KatharinaRosalie]

So people saying OP is U- what if the DH decided that he just collects all the dishes and does them once per week? I personally also could not relax in the evening if the kitchen was a mess, and if we had agreed it's his turn to clean up, I would not think it's a fair deal if he did it the next day. If he feels I'm U, we would probably re-distribute the tasks somehow.
Othewise it would also be OK if I agree to cook dinner and then decide that I'll do it tomorrow instead, because hunger doesn't really bother me, right?

[BarbarianMum]

There is a big difference bw saying you'll do something later, and saying you'll do it tomorrow.

Yes but this is totally your issue. Go to another room, put on some music, pour yourself some wine, chill out. Or you'll end up like my mum who can't relax if there is one unwashed cup or 1 dirty sock in the house.

[butterfliesandzebras]

what if the DH decided that he just collects all the dishes and does them once per week

What if the DH is a pink kangaroo? We could all make up scenarios that might be happening, but according to the op the actual problem is that when she says 'do the dishes' he doesn't say 'yes ma'am' and leap to it right away.

If the problem is genuinely the Dh never doing it, then I agree rejigging who does what or deciding your incompatible is the only way to go (I'd never stay in a relationship with someone who didn't pull their weight -lifes to short).

But if the Dh is willing to pull his weight, but simply wants to manage his own time like an adult, the problem is with the op.

[KatharinaRosalie]

OP's wording is maybe a little off, but I still get her point. In our household we always eat at more or less at the same time. Then we clear up. Then we relax. Works for both of us.

If we had agreed that it's DH's time to cook and he said that actually he does not feel like doing that just yet, he wants to relax first and will cook some time later, then of course in theory it's my problem if I'm hungry. But I would still think that this is not what was agreed.

[flipflapsflop]

How would you feel if your OH was less relaxed and fumed that your earnings weren't up to his standards?

[user1471552005]

I do most of the housework in our home- and I'm fine with that.

My OH works twice the hours that I do, and we both feel that we put in an equal amount of effort into running our home.

[fiorentina]

I'm like you and my DH is like your partner. We have DC and I work with a 3 hour commute each day. However he's had to pull his weight, as he's home earlier he definitely does more in the week, washing, dishwasher loading and unloading and sorting out the kids. We have a cleaner fortnightly and on the weekend I do a lot of housework, often on Friday night as like you I like it to be done before I relax..I know that's my 'problem' not his, he would leave it. Find a balance that works.

[mum2Bomg]

We both do 12 hrs days and I have a two hour commute each way. DH does the washing up - sometimes after dinner, sometimes the next morning, and sometimes the day after that. He always does it though. I'm 30 weeks pregnant as well, I just don't understand how this could make you 'FUMING'... I leave him to decide when he is going to do it. If I'm working from home I'll just do it myself if it's pissing me off.

[mum2Bomg]

Maybe it helps that I've lived in a shared house and with friends, I try and treat DH the same as I would a flat mate or my best mate and I wouldn't boss them about. I don't see it's any different just because he's your boyfriend/fiance/DH.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I couldn't live with someone who can't relax when the house is slightly untidy/unwashed dishes in kitchen. I am not interested in having a perfect/spotless house, I'd be incompatible with someone who insisted it always was.