To turn up to a party with a younger sibling

[kittymamma]

So, party season is here (all my DD friend's birthday's seem to be this half term!) and we have one this morning, however, it has only just occurred to me that I have DS with me too (8 months old) and no alternative provisions for him to be elsewhere.

Is it socially acceptable to turn up to a child's birthday party with a younger sibling? For my DD party a few months ago, I assumed one parent would (and explained to her how she would get her other two in for free due to age), 1 parent messaged me before hand to ask if it was ok and another just turned up with an older sibling, it wasn't a problem for me as I had catered for adults too and the older siblings joined the adult bunch. But is it ok for me to do this today? I honestly hadn't thought about it until now. It is my childminder's son's party so I'm hoping she will assume that but I didn't think of it until now (party in less than 2 hours).

DiegeticMuch cross posted with you, I was not referring to you. I was meaning how people express an opinion, not what opinion they have.

Many parties my kids have been to have been quite a rugby scrum of food, fun, games, and siblings. They do not always go to plan. Including my ds not dressing to the party theme he has picked three years in row! (He chose the theme but did not want to dress up, others did). Not wanting to participate in the game last time or crying aged 4 when he did not win the prize!

I just think kids parties are messy and do not always go to plan.

There really aren't many unwritten rules, fox. It's quite simple; if the invitation is addressed to one child, they are the invitee and it's not a whole family affair.
If it specifically states "siblings welcome", then and only then can you assume that they are.
Allowing an uninvited child to scavenge the leftovers because there was"plenty of food" is unacceptable to the point of social suicide for your child. Would anybody consider filling their handbag with leftovers for the same reason??

Flog I am not sure where you are from but it is totally different where I am. It is all quite normal. Allowing sibs to join in and kids to eat food at a party, But I agree that it is better for the host to know in advance you will have to bring a sibling, is that OK etc. Are people really saying a parent would need to bring a sibling and the party host would say no?

I'm assuming we are talking bouncy castle in the leisure centre, village hall thing? If a separate fee needed to be paid (e.g. soft play) then I would expect the parent bringing the sibling to pay it.

Anyway, I must leave this thread, i can't quite believe how strict all these kids parties are.

Hope the party was OK, kittymamma.

Taking a babe in arms who won't even know they are at a party or want to join in with the food/activity/party bags is fine.
Taking an older mobile baby who might be noisy, crawl about etc is probably fine in smmy emparty settings but not others.

Taking siblings of toddler age and above is problematic. They find it hard to understand the activity/food/party bags are not for them.....even if you explain it. The sight of them loitering in the background, looking forlorn and left out is an unfair position to put the party hosts in.......this is even when you pay for their entry and buy them some food.......they are still hanging round on the edges,mwhich is awkward. This can easily be avoided by parents not staying at parties when children are of an age to not need a parent there - I would say that beyond Reception, children can certainly manage at a party alone.....so siblings not an issue. Below this age, I can see that sometimes it might be necessary to take siblings.....but asking in advance is always the right thing to do,mass is accp ting if the host doesn't seem keen. Often if people plan ahead a bit more, they can find an alternative, but I accept sometimes they can't.

I think parents are often cheeky with siblings and the hosts feel awkward and end up letting the siblings into the party/providing food/party bags etc.....and actually, the sibling parents are hoping that this will happen.

One example I remember was an expensive horse riding party where an adult per 7 year old child was needed. One brought the older sibling who was 9 with them. Older sibling looked morose and sad about not riding, but trudging round with the parents. Half way round, host had a word with the stables and arranged for another horse. Then we all went onto pizza express - host provided a couple of large pizzas for us adults to share and drinks too - all lovely. Children had the £7 children's meal and the 9 year old sibling ended up having one of those too. The extra expense to the host was pretty high. Yes, they didn't have to provide the horse and meal for the sibling.....but they were made to feel awkward by the presence of the sibling who was there and looking sad at not being part of it. Children who are taken as siblings to a fun event, whatever they are told about the party not being for them, will find it hard not to join in the fun activity, food and party bags....it doesn't seem fair to put them in that position, nor the hosts.

There are a few very large parties where there is no charge per head or when there is so much food/extra seats that apart from the party bag issue, an extra one might not make any real difference......but it is very difficulty for parents to know the party will be like this advance, so they shouldn't just assume it will be okay for siblings.

Reminds me too of a couple of weddings I have been to - children were not invited and not named on the invitation, but parents decided to bring them anyway. On one occasion, the hosts then asked the venue to provide 2 kids meals (cost of £50 for 2) and the children ran around shouting during the speeches. At the other, the hosts didn't provide anything for the uninvited children.....the parents then were quite vocal in complaining about it to anyone who would listen.

Certainly at an event where you pay per head, isn't it just manners to only take those who are invited? It's not just about the cost either, although this is a crucial part of it, but about extra numbers and perhaps extra ages changing the dynamic of the planned event.

Perhaps those with lots of children who are close in age are more flexible about this kind of thing.....know more whole families and the siblings, spend more time going to events with lots of children of a range of age. But not everyone is in this position and often when people invite X, they really mean only X.....and if they are hosting, it doesn't seem unreasonable to respect this.

What does it matter where I'm from, Italian?! Why would anybody prepare enough food / party bags to ensure several siblings per invited guest (potentially) can be fed if they happen to roll up? It's simply common courtesy to let the hostess know in advance how many to cater for.
It's not remotely normal where I'm from (London) to have a free for all, even Church halls have a numbers limit for insurance purposes; but of course if someone had the manners to ask in advance I'd sort something out.
You seem to think advance warning is unnecessary, though

I'm not surprised by run's party etiquette. Some people have no idea how rude they're being.

I know someone who takes both her children to every party possible and feeds them both until they're stuffed so she doesn't have to feed them at home. They're always still sitting at the table and she fills their plates and orders them to eat. I've had to specifically tell her I can't have extra people in the house as it gets busy so subtle hints don't work.
She doesn't even have the decency to pay for soft play...she just marches them in and then at food time pushes both invited child and uninvited to the table ...seen her do it loads of times at my kids soft play parties and others.

Babies are fine, but toddlers and older you should definitely ask the host otherwise it's just plain rude.

This is why I hate kids parties. So many unwritten rules - so many ways of offending people

That's why information is everything. If you don't want parents and or siblings to stay then state that in the invitation. If you don't mind extras then state that in the invitation.... As the party host you can and should do what you want but it helps everyone if you let people know. I found it even more important to do so when we lived in a very multicultural area where there seemed to be a wide range of different party traditions.

Agree with being very explicit on invitations. State clearly if siblings are or aren't welcome. And if you don't want parents to stay, say that clearly too.

As a guest,mic in any doubts about any of it....ask! Don't just assume.

On MN threads, there are complaints about parents who don't stay at parties (when hosts wanted them to) and parents who do stay (when hosts wanted them to go) - especially around the ages of 4-6 this can be an unclear area, so hosters make your expectations clear and guests, don't just assume.

I was going to leave, but I will reply to you Floggingmolly.

Re "What does it matter where I'm from, Italian?!"
It doesn't

It was a turn of phrase, like, 'it's not like that round here', but really it is irrelevant so sorry no it does not matter where you are from. (I am from the countryside, just for the record.)

Re "Why would anybody prepare enough food / party bags to ensure several siblings per invited guest (potentially) can be fed if they happen to roll up?"

It is my experience that siblings to a party would not at all expect a party bag. It is also my experience, having run 14 children's parties myself and attended too many to count, that there is always a lot of food and plenty for all. Parents are usually invited to eat last and many don't. The exception is when it is party boxes at a place like a soft play place and then i would not expect anyone to bring a sibling and expect to be fed,

Re "It's simply common courtesy to let the hostess know in advance how many to cater for." Of course it is and i always would do so if i ever had to take my child.

My kids have a big age gap, almost 6 years and I've got a husband who doesn't work weekends so there is no need ever to bring an uninvited sibling to a party. But my friends include single parents and those in the army so there are parents who cannot get child care because they are parenting alone or their partner works unsociable hours.

I guess I am just wanting to point out that it does happen, people should warn in advance, but even so sometimes people can get let down on the day at last minute and bring a sib. That is normal in my circle of friends but only for parties at home and village hall/sports centre.

It does lesson off as children get older because you do not need to stay with them at the party.

Re "You seem to think advance warning is unnecessary." I think advance warning is polite, I think it is best, I think it is what I would do every single time

But in the grand scheme of things I would much rather a child attended, than did not attend, and much rather a parent stayed, than did not stay, even if this meant arriving unannounced with an extra child.

It does sometimes feel like a free for all! And one can only do as one would like others to do, but when friends arrive with unannounced sibs, I smile sweetly, know I have enough sandwiches, crisps and cake to sink a battle ship and get on with it. I expect that is what everyone else does really, which is why I felt the responses directed to anyone who might bring a sibling unannounced seemed a bit over the top.

Fair enough, Italian.

If you don't want parents and or siblings to stay then state that in the invitation

When did the invitee being named on the invitation cease to be sufficient? If you're on the invitation, you're invited. Isn't that explicit enough??

Tbh, I think the people who need it spelling out know exactly what they're doing and they're so grabby and cheeky that they wouldn't give a shit who was invited or not.

I'm a bit shocked at the stick runs is getting here. Perhaps she hasn't described it brilliantly, but I know exactly what she means and I've seen that type of behaviour loads of times and nobody bats an eyelid.

Round here nearly all parents still stay at parties for 5 year olds.
Most have younger siblings - so maybe 2 or 3 year olds.
Most have parents who either work shifts / weekends/ are a single parent/ or simply both work full-time and use a party situation for one of them to get jobs done at home.

Everyone is friendly and welcoming and siblings are welcome at parties. Soft play type ones parents pay extra for the sibling, but bouncy castle in a hall type means that the younger sibling joins in when appropriate. Parents make sure they don't get in the way, don't expect a party bag etc. But yes, they are allowed to eat a little of the party food if there's enough and there's always plenty

Personally I don't see the problem and don't get all the angst and eye rolling!

Op, an eight month old is definitely fine to take.

Thank you lapilapin and the odd other poster for your support.
I agree that posting your thoughts on here can be difficult to get across properly and I nailed it the best I could.
Due to circumstance the sibling does attend due to me not having any other option but to either take them or my kids simply miss out on the party, so I do my best. My kids are 9 and 6 and have never so far had any issues with what I have been doing and I'm still on good terms with all the mums, they all have the heads up first and my kids are still being invited to parties so my behaviour cant be that awful.
I have recently started posting on this site as a means having a bit of harmless banter, sharing of views maybe poking a little fun here and there. I have noticed that some posters instead of simply disagreeing can be very harsh in their replies and then it almost develops in to a gang up, witch hunt and see how mean we can be.
This is the first time I've been on the receiving end of it.
If my opinions etc dont sit right with you posters who were harsh and mean today, how about next time seeking a bit of clarification on the bits you dont like first before start slinging the mud.
I would never post anything on here which I knew was bad crack and would always be able to fully explain myself if anyone needed clarification and had the decency to ask me about it rather than just presume the worst and fill in any gaps themselves.
Rant over and move on .......

Everyone is friendly and welcoming. . Expecting the named child only to show up when you've issued 30+ invitations does not make you unfriendly and unwelcoming to the families of said children.
What absolute tosh.

Why don't you have any other option but to stay when your kids are 9 and 6, RLTW? Surrey if the parents were insisting you stay for some reason they'd invite both your children as guests?

At 9 and 6, they're old enough for you to drop and run.

It's simple not an issue at any of the parties I've been to, the hosts have always been polite, kind and accommodating.
At least one parent always stays, its been like this at everyone I've been to, so to leave one at the party and leave with the sibling would be odd and unfair on the child left behind being the only one with out a parent.
I personally have accomodated extra kids, because life is tricky and I'd rather a sibling turn up even unexpectedly rather the invited one miss out. I would also make sure I could manage the extra bodies just in case.

Polite, kind and accommodating? If they leave your second child standing behind the seat at the party table that your first child is occupying; waiting to swoop on the scraps leftovers like a starving mongrel; they're quite clearly not ok with you being there.
You choosing to see their reluctance to tell you to sling your hook as "accommodating" is quite .
What exactly is either polite or kind about that??

Another who says Baby is fine. But older children 'no' unless an emergency. I have twins in the same class and was always be happy to split them when one was invited and wasn't as I thought it was good to encourage their own friendships

Glad I am not the only one aghast at 'runs' post. I am truly surprised no one has said anything.

cluelessinstyle yikes that is an appalling situation, I am thinking of people who genuinely cannot find somewhere for their child to go, not people who just insist on their other child being included. That is truly a horrible situation for everyone!

Thanks Floggingmolly

I hosted a party for my six year old in a village hall. A group of mothers arrive late with older siblings as well as the invited children. They encouraged the siblings to join in the games and then sat the siblings at the tea table demanding extra chairs and helping themselves to plates in the kitchen!!!!

Well thank you all for the responses. We are back. DS (the 8 month old) is actually quite mobile. He crawls quite quickly and really did enjoy staring at the ceiling and chasing around a balloon. It was obviously too late to text my childminder (and I am rather embarrassed about not thinking about this earlier) and see if it was ok to bring my DS, so I just turned up (with a bright lunchbox clearly visible!), we had a lovely picnic outside while they played. However, I will notify the other parents of upcoming parties that I will have DS with me and can entertain and feed him or leave DD with them (drop and run). It isn't a possibility for others to look after DS, we are separated from family here. So much so our childminder was our only back-up option for childcare for when DS was born (So possible in the middle of the night call) as we had so few options, fortunately we didn't need to use the back up option.

There were more than 30 five and six year olds today and most had parents with them. So I think this was the expectation this time around. I am going to ask my childminder about when drop and run becomes a thing around here when I see her later on in the week.

Interesting discussion. Currently planning a party for 50 kids. Siblings can attend if they pay £5 (once we're over 50 kids) but there's no option for parents to buy food as it's an after hours hire so we have to cater. If all siblings came we'd be talking at least another 30 kids so it's just not feasible to lay on food for them too.