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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should say something to these boys mums

32 replies

Bookeatingboy · 18/09/2016 09:22

DS 8 just gone into YR4, tallest in the class and has always had a large group of friends but is very sensitive by nature, we are trying to help him with this at home. He's been quite subdued since the middle of last week and I finally got him to tell me why.

Last week he went to sit down to eat lunch and two of his (so called) friends said he couldn't sit down as they were saving the seat for someone else. DS said I'm allowed to sit where I like but they leaned over the seat to stop him. One boy then said to ds "I don't know why you were picked by your football team because you are the worst player in the school" and these boys started laughing. DS in typical fashion walked away rather than have a confrontation.

I'm sad for him since he's clearly been affected by this and one part of me is thinking just let it go and continue to help him stand up for himself but on the other hand I wouldn't like to think my children were treating their friends this way so I should speak with these boys mums.

OP posts:
NickNacks · 18/09/2016 09:23

No, tell the school and let them deal with it.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 18/09/2016 09:27

Never, ever tell the parents, it won't go well.

Go to the school with concerns, they will deal with it fairly.

Parents get very defensive.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/09/2016 09:28

Speak to the school, not the parents.

DramaLlamaa · 18/09/2016 09:28

No don't speak to the parents they'll be defensive.
Let the school know what has happened but the most important thing you can do is work with your son on confident retorts, and talk with him about kindness.
This happened to my dd shes now 10 and a very strong person, she used to be meek & mild but I've worked really hard on getting her to stand up for herself and understand that she must be kind no matter what. She has a very low opinion of those bullies now they are nothing to her.
Sounds harsh but he will be stronger for it.

marvelousdcomics · 18/09/2016 09:29

I agree, tell the school. My DD experienced something similar in high school which upset her a lot. Tell the school and let them sort it.

missyB1 · 18/09/2016 09:33

See his class teacher and ask her to deal with it. Ideally she needs to get those boys together and make them think about how they made your ds feel. She could use it as a useful excercise in reminding the whole class about how unkind behaviour affects people. It would be good if your ds got an apology too.

NorksAkimbo72 · 18/09/2016 09:33

Why on earth would you speak to school or the boys' mums? They were being unkind, and your son is the one that should actually find out what's going on, and why his 'friends' are being arsey. Additionally, he needs to be able to stand up for himself and deal with situations like this. He wasn't bullied...they were being jerks, absolutely no reason to get school involved!

AlmaMartyr · 18/09/2016 09:37

Talk to the school, do not talk to the mums.

Lilacpink40 · 18/09/2016 09:39

Children can fall out for periods of time then all make friends again. I'm sick of telling mine to not play with a 'friend' who's been mean to see the next week they're best friends again.

I'd mention this to the school by way of logging the events so, if they become worse, action may be taken. I wouldn't talk with parents as this may make your child seem more vulnerable (a victim). He's doing the right thing at the moment by calmly avoiding conflict.

Have you tried role-playing what to say back? I don't mean shouting or swearing, but just casually saying 'grow up'"and going off with other friends can stop bullies as they want to cause discomfort or are acting out of boredom (if this is bullying and not just short-term issue).

rainbowstardrops · 18/09/2016 09:44

I'd wait and see if he has any problems this week. I work in a school and children are always falling out and then best friends again five minutes later!

If he's still getting stick from the boys this week then I'd have a quick chat with his teacher.

They can address friendship issues during circle time/PSHE.

Lonecatwithkitten · 18/09/2016 09:44

Year 4,5 and 6 this seat saving at lunch seems to peak. Being bothered by not being able to sit there seems to fuel the fire and lead to further unkind comments.
My DD found the best solution was not to engage with the can't sit there and to find somewhere else to sit.

Whereismumhiding2 · 18/09/2016 09:46

Was it just a one-off? Kids do save seats for one of their friends. Maybe they were in the midst of planning something or catching up. If you intervene, you could make it worse, when it might just blow over. . Build up his confidence etc at home on how to deal with such a situation again (I'd have suggested to DS to walk away when they said seat was taken, no good really was going to come of forcing the point he tried to, that anyone could sit there. It went unkind after then, as boys reacted nastily).

If it becomes a sustained pattern that seems bullying, then by all means talk to school/ tutor but do first explain to your son what you plan to do and why.

Floggingmolly · 18/09/2016 09:58

The other kids were being bratty, but as a one off; it's nothing like bullying at all. Speaking to the mums would be creating a mountain out of a molehill.
Unless it happens again, I wouldn't even raise it with the school, tbh. He's Year 4; he has to learn to deal with stuff like this without assuming he's being bullied.

Pineapplemilkshake · 18/09/2016 10:02

I agree with speaking to the teacher/head rather than the parents. I think dealing directly with parents of bullies can backfire and often they can't see any fault with their little darlings. I second the idea of doing some role playing at home, I tried this with DS when there was an issue at Cubs and it helped him to be more assertive.

insancerre · 18/09/2016 10:02

It's good that he can tell you these sorts of things but it's a massive over reaction to speak to the stents or even the school
This is how children are with each other and ds really needs to learn how to deal with it

Gatehouse77 · 18/09/2016 10:10

Don't speak to the parents, it rarely goes well.

If this is a first occurrence I wouldn't even approach the school. You're the parent and there's as much onus on you to equip your children with how to deal with this. All children are sensitive to such comments whether they show it or not. No child (and very few adults if you read a lot of posts here) can shrug off these situations so you need to help your child understand that people say unkind things and it's how he reacts that will determine how he feels about it.

Talk to him. Help him understand how he feels and that it's okay to feel shit about it. Ask him how he would treat a friend and therefore are these boys his friends? Talk to him about strategies on how to deal with it when it happens and that he can come home and tell you and have good cry or strop or scream. Be there for him, show him you are on his side but that doesn't mean running to the school to deal with it.

If it's a reoccurring thing then do tell the school as well as all the above. Hopefully, they will be able to nip it in the bud with class discussions about how to treat other people.

luckylavender · 18/09/2016 10:26

Leave well alone for now. Part of growing up.

Babymamamama · 18/09/2016 10:30

I would just encourage him to find somewhere else to sit and to not worry about it too much. Ignoring is the most powerful thing to do. By you getting too involved how is he going to learn resilience and to stick up for himself?

VioletBam · 18/09/2016 10:32

Norks are you serious?

OP....encourage DS to ask some other boys to come to play asap. Help him learn to brush these boys off and move on. Are there some other nice boys he could play with?

MaryField · 18/09/2016 10:40

Children often save seats so why didn't he just sit on another chair? It sounds like the unkind remark may have been in response to his response iyswim. If this is a one off it's nothing, if it continues talk to the teacher. Don't involve other parents, it won't go well!

Original poster
Bookeatingboy · 18/09/2016 10:44

OK... I won't speak to either the parents or school. I can see how this might just escalate things. Will ask ds to talk to me if their behaviour continues.

Norks as I said in my initial post I am working with DS at home! Your attempts to belittle my concerns tells me so much about you!

I do see it as my responsibility to equip him with the ability to deal with this so I will keep working on the role play with him. He is much better than he was so I know it's working.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 18/09/2016 10:56

I agree that I wouldn't go to the school on the basis of one incident. Just encourage you ds to play with nicer kids.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 18/09/2016 10:56

Unless there is a lot more to this I wouldn't talk to the parents or the school. I think the best thing now is to talk to DS about picking his battles (he could have just sat somewhere else) and telling a teacher as soon as something upsets him (an apology on the day would have been appropriate, mum talking to the school days later would be an overreaction)

As for pps comments about bullying, as I keep telling the children I work with, there is a massive difference between bullying and someone being a bit unkind!

TheLastHeatwave · 18/09/2016 11:04

They were saving the seat for another friend, why shouldn't they?

Your DS said 'I can sit where I want'. Technically he's right, but can you imagine saying the same in a coffee shop?

The boys retaliated unkindly, but they are kids in year 4. It's what happens.

Teach your son to respect what other people want & say & not to just think about his 'rights'.

This is far from bullying & saying its bullying minimises actual bullying.

yeOldeTrout · 18/09/2016 11:53

If it's a one-off, best to see what happens, help your son work thru what a mean comment means (about the mean person who said it, not their target!). The boys may well make up on their own, don't hold a grudge on your son's behalf.

Sympathies, We have a chronic situation which is similar, I haven't spoken to school (or parents, yet).

My problem is that the the boys who say these things are on the same footie team; are also the best players. Being so sporty, they are very admired boys by many of the other boys in the year group. One of their dads does a lot of the coaching and would deal very firmly with his son if observed speaking to others like that.

I told DS to concentrate on being friends with nicer people and don't respect people who only want to say mean things to him. Luckily DS has plenty of friends who aren't on the footie team.