To be annoyed at my parents

[Bee14]

Parents live 5 hrs away and have just returned from a visit with DC1 who's two and a half and DC2, three months. I am increasingly realising that my parents, whilst they love their grandchildren, are not particularly interested in them, particularly in situations where we are not around to closely supervise. Parents are in their early 70's, fit and healthy and these are the only grandchildren they will have, but they just don't seem to be that into the grand parent thing although with me feeding through the night I thought it was clear how much some help would have been appreciated.

They will help out if asked to do a specific thing, but don't offer and don't seem to enjoy it massively - my mum helped out for a few days after DC2 was born but it was quite hard work (she kept wondering off with her iPad, wasn't that patient with DC1). I feel sad for my DC's and also if I am honest for us, as it would be nice to have some help now and again, but it feels like we would do better with a babysitter

I guess I am feeling a little bruised as I've seen a number of friends recently whose parents seem to bend over backwards to provide regular free childcare (which is not what I am asking I just want more help when we visit and some help when they visit us) and in one case have helped cover the costs of maternity leave.

I have felt like this before with parents - our wedding when no offer was made to cover any costs and we ended up paying for their accommodation as well as everything else and when I left uni (funded by grants and part time work and to be fair help from parents) lots of friends were helped by their parents either with connections or by letting them move back home, non of this was possible from my parents as they live in a rural area and don't have any connections beyond this.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but would appreciate any ideas on moving myself past this as they are lovely people in other ways (active, interesting) but it doesn't feel like grandparenting (or even parenting anymore) is there bag and I need to find away not to choke everyone a friend tells me how supportive their parents are. It's also not a one way street we have helped them practically and financially in a number of ways.

Our kids only have one grandparent and he doesnt and has never helped with the kids unless extreme emergency (one of us in hospital etc).

I was very hurt at first, but i have now come to expect nothing so i can't be disappointed. We have a good relationship he just isnt that in to looking after kids- says hes done his but already etc.

It does annoy me when people expect us to be able to have nights out at the drop of a hat, or tell me all about their weekends away with no kids. We can't afford babysitters and nights out together are rare and expensive.

We live 2 hrs' drive away from all the GPs so any babysitting have to have some advance notice. Tbh, it's a major part of the reason, I didn't return to work FT but I certainly don't resent anyone for that!

Admittedly, I can empathise with you feeling jealous with the amount of free family childcare which enables you to go out regularly as a couple or have the odd night away from the children. That's only human but it's our choice to move away from our families. Many people move to be nearer GPs once they have children - our jobs haven't taken us back so that's life.

Our children are now pre teens and my parents have them to stay for one week in the summer holidays by themselves. DH & I make the most of it and try to get away for a weekend then! My MIL babysits literally once a year for one night only. She makes it clear that she regards babysitting other grandchildren a chore so we take the hint and only ask her the favour once a year.

You need to find a decent babysitter and swallow the expense for the occasional evening out.

They will help out if asked to do a specific thing, but don't offer and don't seem to enjoy it massively - my mum helped out for a few days after DC2 was born but it was quite hard work (she kept wondering off with her iPad, wasn't that patient with DC1).

I think YABU. Your mother helped when asked but she has her own life. Why should she enjoy looking after small children? Lots of people don't.

I think it's quite harsh to ask someone to do you a favour and then complain that they're not enjoying themselves.

My DC's grandparents all live a long way from us and when we did visit them (or they visited us), they never lifted a finger and have never been there to help (particularly when DC were small). My DC are grown up now and still rarely see their GPs. It's their loss (and really sad) as they don't have a close relationship with their grandchildren.

I suppose they can read...Maybe,as read on here so often:

All the 'my little family','our own new traditions,' 'popping in, or God forbid phoning at inconvenient times''. Rules about 'age- inaproppriate' presents and sweet or biscuit giving, Grans 'taking' something from a jealous Mum by buying a'first' little tea set, or 'first' icing a cake with a child.
The mortal sin of 'telling off' beloved grandchildren, worrying about watching them grow up without table manners at least and core spiritual values at worst and the throwing back into parents faces your own perspective of your childhood and their inadequate parenting.

They probably think 'f this for a game of soldiers as they have been taught to on here.

Seriously, what do you expect grandparents who live a long way away to do?

You seem to want quite a bit from your parents op: money for your wedding, help with "connections" (what does that even mean?) help with accommodation - even though they had supported you through university.

Perhaps you need to start seeing yourself as a grown up?

And to whoever is cross with her parents for not changing dirty nappies - wtf? I'm never changing a dirty nappy again in my life if I can help it. If that's what it takes to qualify for being an interested/loving grandparent then I'm going to fail at the first hurdle!

My parents were like this and even though it hurts its just something you need to accept. Tbh they have done their time they dont have to offer childcare they live a long way from you and 2 little children is a lot to look after. I do know Gp who do free childcare and are exhausted 1 person i know feels obligated to their adult child and does it out of guilt and is knackered id rather my parents didnt do it than feel obligated.

I think you are envious of people with a lot of help.. For that alone YABU.

Although it would be nice if that happened, it's not an expectation.

Honestly if you were my dd I would not lift a finger to help you. You are so entitled, moaning about them not paying for your uni, your wedding, not looking after your toddlers when they are over 70. Thinking they still owe you. And I say that has someone who has my dd and dgd living with me and would move the world for them

And another thing about expecting inheritance money/ childcare/ a house deposit etc etc which I read a lot on here, it's really really greedy to expect these things. The generation that has gone before had to beg for a mortgage too, and be employed .. Many of us had negative equity . Most of us worked constantly through uni and did not have parents to top up the money from the basic grant. A lot of items were very expensive pre IKEA such as furniture.. You would have someone's old chest of drawers etc and build up slowly.
Seriously I've had enough of hearing about how entitled people can be.. You have to make your own way in this world and you have to look after your own children !!

Connections . What "connections" do you envision being able to provide your own children with?

YAB a but U. I adore my granddaughter but I find being in charge for hours both exhausting and a bit dull. I brought up my own with barely any help, parents 300 miles away and offshore partner.I am happy to babysit occasionally but not regularly. I do still work too and can't retire for another 14 years

My parents were divorced and the nearest was 3.5 hours away, as were my in laws when I had ds. He was my responsibility, not theirs. They were all still working as well, so couldn't just drop everything.

YABU to expect people living 5 hours away to help.