To be annoyed at my parents

[Bee14]

Parents live 5 hrs away and have just returned from a visit with DC1 who's two and a half and DC2, three months. I am increasingly realising that my parents, whilst they love their grandchildren, are not particularly interested in them, particularly in situations where we are not around to closely supervise. Parents are in their early 70's, fit and healthy and these are the only grandchildren they will have, but they just don't seem to be that into the grand parent thing although with me feeding through the night I thought it was clear how much some help would have been appreciated.

They will help out if asked to do a specific thing, but don't offer and don't seem to enjoy it massively - my mum helped out for a few days after DC2 was born but it was quite hard work (she kept wondering off with her iPad, wasn't that patient with DC1). I feel sad for my DC's and also if I am honest for us, as it would be nice to have some help now and again, but it feels like we would do better with a babysitter

I guess I am feeling a little bruised as I've seen a number of friends recently whose parents seem to bend over backwards to provide regular free childcare (which is not what I am asking I just want more help when we visit and some help when they visit us) and in one case have helped cover the costs of maternity leave.

I have felt like this before with parents - our wedding when no offer was made to cover any costs and we ended up paying for their accommodation as well as everything else and when I left uni (funded by grants and part time work and to be fair help from parents) lots of friends were helped by their parents either with connections or by letting them move back home, non of this was possible from my parents as they live in a rural area and don't have any connections beyond this.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but would appreciate any ideas on moving myself past this as they are lovely people in other ways (active, interesting) but it doesn't feel like grandparenting (or even parenting anymore) is there bag and I need to find away not to choke everyone a friend tells me how supportive their parents are. It's also not a one way street we have helped them practically and financially in a number of ways.

I find it so sad when people say things like "they've done their bit raising you" - as if you turn 18 and suddenly they're not your parents anymore?!

You are still your parent's child regardless of your age and it's a bit depressing to see so many people who are so disinterested once their children are adults.

I'm a 33 year old mother of 3, have a job and pay my bills and look after the house but I still love going back to my mum's and being looked after sometimes and she is happy to do that for me because she is my mum! Parenting doesn't stop when your kids grow up - I hope I can help my kids out as much as my parents help me.

I wasn't very good with my kids when they were very small, loved them to bits - but the baby/toddler thing wasn't my bag. Enjoyed the teens and up to now - twenties - MUCH more. Perhaps they will be the same with yours.

Also, my DM/DD/FIL/MIL never babysat, we were pretty much on our own with our DSs when they were little, so I confess that I will probably not be a very hands on GM in the early years.
Send me a stroppy/funny/exasperating/entertaining teen any day!

I always feel bad reading these threads because I know that when I'm a grandparent I will be the one who is fun to visit but I won't be doing the caring. My children know and have got used to the notion after initially being shocked because I have loved every minute of raising them but I don't want to do it again.
I see my friend over the road and see how she is shattered running round from 7am until 6am five days a week looking after her gc and worry for her when the next two arrive to be looked after and I really don't want that.
My dc's grandparents were fun to visit but they didn't do childcare either I paid for any help I needed and expect my dc to do the same.

YADNBU although lots will tell you you are. The idea that your retired leisure time is more important and than their child's need for love, sympathy and bi-monthly (??) practical support is abhorrent to me. Money, different thing. But very infrequent practical help? There is no excuse.

I wouldn't feel sad about no offer of wedding monies/ money toward a house, though. Weddings are expensive choices and you cut your cloth and all that - registry office and buffet at home if needs be - but practical support and sacrificing a little bit of time... nope, i'd judge someone for not doing that.

So feel your pain, my mum is no longer here but would have probably driven me mad in trying to help even though we live at the opposite side of the country to where she did live. My Dad is really good but also lives at the opposite side of the country and does as much as he can and has said he will do emergency childcare necessary including jumping on a train to get here at midnight.

My PIL have not even bothered to come and see my 6 week old, and have seen my 2 year old about 5 times in total - us always going to them. Was told by MIL (instant reaction) when we told them I was pregnant with number 1 - I won't be doing any babysitting.

I have a completely irrational 'anger' when I see my next door neighbours mum once again at their house looking after her two children, the people in my NCT group who seem to have endless family who will look after their children almost every other weekend.

My sister is just as rubbish - I have done a ton of babysitting for her in the past 8 years, including overnights and a week of support after both her children were born - I have had one lunchtime babysitting whilst we went out for lunch - our Christmas present from her. When she was going to babysit she made it so complicated and difficult I couldn't be bothered and asked someone else.

I now have a number of reliable babysitters we pay for!

Like RollOnBedtime, I find myself a bit surprised by people who find raising the children they chose to have such a chore that once the kids leave home, they consider their bit done.

Children usually go on to have their own children, hence having grandchildren eventually is a fairly predictable part of choosing to have children.

Maybe these are people who didn't get any help from their own parents, so now feel like helping their children would somehow tip the cosmic scales to their disadvantage.

My parents help out a lot, and they have a relationship with our kids that is obviously a huge source of joy. DP's parents on the other hand, are happy to drop in at birthdays and Christmas, have their cups of tea made for them, and swan off after. Obviously their relationship with the kids reflects this.

I find it a bit sad, and can't imagine being the latter sort of grandparent, so no, OP, I don't think YABU.

Trafalgargal, I don't see it as wanting to be parents.

There are sometimes times when a little bit of family support would be nice. My parents are supportive, just usually at arm's length because they didn't want to be regularly involved with raising young children. That is fine and they were always at the end of the phone but it could still feel a little bit lonely, not least because I do miss them and would love to have seen them more over the years.

I think people are lamenting the lack of a family support network. Not at all the same thing as wanting to be parented and have your finances managed FFS. What a ridiculous suggestion.

When I had my babies I wanted to have my own mum around and luckily it was one of the infrequent occasions when I did get her. I didn't want parenting, I just wanted comfort from the main family member who would fully understand what I was going through.

That is what it is about. Not parenting in the sense of parenting a child.

• wanting to be parented, not wanting to be parents, that should have read at the start of that post.

I did the first 5 years and 2 children with no support from other family members.

Then my M & D changed jobs and moved 10 minutes down the road- it's been a blessing and they help considerably.

I think that it is very difficult to have Grandparents who can't / won't help- but you absolutely can do it, and you can do it without a constant feeling of wishing things were different with your set up.

It sounds like there are some underlying issues for you, OP about your relationship with your parents and expectations. Is it something that you can raise & discuss with them, other family members, close friends? Get it all out, feel it, process it, then find a way to empower yourself.

Self- help books contain a million and one different ways of boosting your self esteem, your confidence in your own ability & helping you work out why you are harbouring resentment & hurt towards your parents. You could find coaching or therapy useful.

Be strong, be bold, accept your circumstances and be grateful for what you do have in your life.

So many of these threads around at the moment. I wonder why?

I think part of the problem is that times have changed a lot in the last 30-odd years. Possibly more than in the previous 30-odd years. People don't tend to live near where they grew up so much. Many people now in their 60s and 70s have far greater disposable income than their grandparents had at that age. People now in their 30s and 40s are having to be two-working-parent households more and more... It all adds up. Most pernicious of all, in my opinion (and I am guilty of this myself) is that we in our 30s and 40s are far more "me me me" than our parents were at that age. Obviously I'm generalising hugely, but one consequence of the average age of motherhood rising is that women have had independent lives for a while before suffering the deprivations of motherhood. Men have lagged behind in filling the gap those deprivations make us feel so we are turning more to our parents to continue to "parent" us. (I'm aware just how sweeping my generalisations are but this is what I've experienced time and time again amongst my peers. I know not everyone is like this).

It's a slightly bitter pill to swallow, but it's just a part of growing up I think.

Must admit I seem to be in the minority here; but I just don't expect my parents/in laws to help. Never did before they were born. But reading this both us and them seem unusual; we are unusual for not expecting anything of them in terms of childcare, and they are unusual in that they want to help when they can, but are not pushy or over-involved. Works well for us. They live a way away, we sort all childcare for ourselves. However my mum in law will come and stay to help out over the holidays (she offers, we don't ask) and my parents are delighted to have them overnight for us to go away (we have done this maybe 4-5 times in the last 7 years) No expectations on either side; just us taking responsibility as parents and them helping when they want to, with no obligation.

There have been times we have needed help, for example when I was ill this year, and because they're family will drop everything to help us. As we would/do with them.

Joelle I loved raising my own children, I never saw it as a chore and I have five. My dc know how much I enjoyed having them it's been obvious their whole lives and they obviously thought I'd like to do it again with their dc (when they have them) so it was probably a shock to discover I don't.
I love my dc dearly, I'm sure I will love their children too but I don't feel that that love will make me want to do the childcare. It's nothing to do with having raised mine without parental help (I never asked anyway) it's no reflection on me finding my dc a chore (because I didn't) It's more that I feel I have done raising children and I'm not going to start again because there are other things in my life that I want to pursue instead.

I don't think YABU. I think it's a shame when families don't help each other out where/when they can. Not in a taking the mick way but just because y'know life can be hard. I have this with my parents and can see a time where they will need our help, and they will get it. It's made me think that I will be different with my boys,if they want it we will be there , not to be a parent again but to lighten the load and also just because. I find it such a strange attitude 'we've done our bit'.

@ thewavesofthesea's you may feel in the minority to not expect help ...but as you get it anyway you don't really need to feel differently. It's tricky to not feel a little envious when there's NO support at all in any situation e.g when ill etc.

I find Mumsnet hilarious at times. Grandparents are fucked if they want to be involved and fucked if they choose to see their DGC but not help out. A lot of the time if they want to help out the comment "they've had their turn at being parents" is trotted out.

OP you have no right to expect free childcare of a parent in their 70's FFS. They're 70, have raised a family and want to enjoy life now, not run around after DGC. I'm not yet 50 and am knackered running around after my toddler DGC. I have my own life to lead now my DC are grown up, your parents are the probably the same. As is said on here a lot of the time "your children your rules", use your rules to source paid childcare if you require it instead of expecting your 70 year old parents to provide it 🙄

OP, I do think YABU but I can understand why you feel a bit down that they don't seem to have more interest in your DC. It's tough when you feel you could do with more support but don't have it.

I think you need to be realistic- your parents live 5 hours away so I don't think it's realistic to expect lots of practical support from them. How do you expect them to provide baby-sitting etc on anything close to a regular basis if it is a 10 hour round trip for them?

I think when they are staying with you or you are visiting them it would be nice of them to help out a bit, so I can understand your disappointment. You say they do help if asked- so ask! It may be that they don't want to intrude, or just don't think to offer/think you are coping just fine. Obviously, it could be they just don't want to do more. If that is the case then I think you just have to accept their point of view and decide where that leaves things from your end. It doesn't sound like they are actively unkind or unpleasant though.

Also, with regards to the other things that you feel "let down" by- I think YABU and need to let it go because some of it sounds a bit petty. For instance, you say feel let down because your parents helped fund you through university but didn't have any contacts to help you with jobs etc. How can you possibly feel annoyed at them for that? They helped you financially but couldn't help you beyond that. What more do you think they should have done? It's not like they deliberately chose not to help you.

With regards to not funding your wedding, I know many parents offer to pay for/contribute to wedding costs but really to expect your parents to pay and be annoyed if they don't is wrong IMHO (other than you paying for their accommodation to attend your wedding, they should have paid for that). Nice if they offer, not obligatory.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh OP, but I think you expect things from your parents which are not entirely fair. I do get that when you are exhausted and see friends getting lots of support from their parents, it's hard to be entirely fair. I think the MN saying is that "envy is the thief of joy"- I think it applies here. Enjoy the relationship you have with your parents (unless they do unpleasant things or are toxic in some way you haven't mentioned) and value it for what it is, make the best of it.

But just talk to them. And get over the wedding/ uni/ money thing. YABU there.

I think some of you have read the op wrong. Ops parents live 5 hours away, she pbviously isn't expecting daily childcare but would have liked her parents to give her a break for a couple of hours while they were visiting, it's hardly the same as wanting them to bring up her kids

Traditionally of course the whole family, including the grandparents, would have pulled together to look after the grandchildren. In time, it would have fallen to the parents of the grandchildren then to nurse and care for their own parents.

Things have changed and grandparents are no longer expected to look after their grandchildren and can no longer expect their children to care from them in true old age. In many ways this is sad (looser family bonds) and in others it is liberating (others are paid to give care and we are no longer obligated).

I would also feel bruised in your situation OP. I think a good way to move past the feelings you have would be to find a way to meet the needs that would have been met by the grandparents. For me, that means paying what is needed and above the going rate to get someone really lovely to look after my kids when I want to go out, and accepting that is a priority for me so I can feel I have freedom and then be ready to be a better mum again. That might not be the solution for you but I do think it is worthwhile to explore what you are missing and how you might get enough of what you need to be happy.

I think there'll be a range of opinions on this. Just because your parents had you, doesn't mean they want to babaysit etc for your own children.. They may love them but it doesn't mean they will do any child care or are obliged to.
They may not have had any help from their own parents either.
And what is it lately with the complaining about the baby boomers.. It's ridiculous to complain they had it easy when it depends on individual circumstance how they managed with buying a first house etc. twenty, thirty years ago, people would still have to save and do without.. In fact a lot more so than now on comparable wages because a lot of items have come down in price such as clothes, food, washing machines etc.

They may love them but it doesn't mean they will do any child care or are obliged to.

Not obliged to visit a daughter post (major) surgery and be expected to be waited on - and then not help clear up?

Bloody hell - how rude!!!!

It's basic manners to turn up with food and flowers and offer to help wash up isn't it?

The trouble is they are the spoilt generation, retiring young on generous pensions. They have no idea what its like to work these days and having to retire later on less money - and by they the government won't have ring fenced all the generous benefits.One day they will need your help, but you may be too busy putting your lovely children first to be around much to assist. Remember, if you have to go over to help, seem irritated and take your Ipad for amusement.

Seriously? My parents don't own me anything, least childminding my own child. My Mam gave me enough already and if anything, I'd be the one who should be ready to help her should she need it.
If you can't bring up your children without your parents' support, don't have them.
We are thousand miles away from both our families. We both work, have only one child because of reasons outside our influence but we have nobody to rely on. When we were both sick with rotavirus, we still had to get up and take care of a very active toddler. When my husband is on a business trip I am 24/7 engaged, having my day planned to the last second. When he was away for a week and I had a bad kidney infection, I still had to be there for a 6 months old, even if it meant changing her nappy on the ground as I was too dizzy with fever to lift her till the antibiotics kicked in.
I'm not describing that to get a medal but I just don't get the sense of entitlement some people seem to have about their parents. My Mam is a wonderful and caring Grandma for two weeks in a year but she still has her own life to live.
We were aware of the fact that we will have no family to fall back on should we need any childminding or babysitting and can't see why we should have. My Mam deserves to enjoy her life now after she brought up her own children.

Mine blow hot and cold a bit, they did help look after the kids three days while I was at work but as two grand children turned into four they made it very clear on occasions that they found it hard. I thought fair enough that's understandable kids are hard, so I changed my hours to work school hours only so they could concentrate on my sisters two who wasn't in the position to change her hours. Guess what they then said they missed the kids and wanted to see more of them.
They help when they want and how they want, even if you politely say it's ok thanks I'm fine with that, but I would like help with this, they say no we are here now and we appreciate you don't need to do this but we want to do it, and I'm left changing plans and letting them help with something that doesn't need to be done as they will be offended.
If the kids like something to eat or to do something I particular and it goes against the grain of what they're used to doing they will talk everyone out of it so it fits their way.
It's so frustrating I never quite know where I sit nor if they can sometimes decide themselves if they want to get on with an independent lives or be very involved with ours, but hey ho they are my folks, l love them and there's nowt as queer as folk.