Me versus them couples

[witharmswideopen]

couples that keep score and try to 'get one over' on each other? For example doing the shopping and taking an extra few hours to get a coffee for themselves. Nothing wrong with that all but it's done with the pretence that "well OH stayed out later than said on Tuesday night". Or deliberately turning off their phone when they are out and know one of their DC is poorly with the attitude 'oh well i did the last sickness so OH can deal with it this time'. Being deliberately late home from appointments when they know their OH has something planned for the day and then being late means they'll miss it.

All really small things but done with such a me versus them attitude. To me it's just petty and would do my nut in having to keep track of all the slights and work out how I'll get them back.

How rude wanna

It was me who said nap. I love a daytime nap.

I'm on extra strong medication for mental health issues. Caused by the death of my son incidentally.

I would never be so rude as too say such a thing about anyone else's nap schedule.

MN is getting worse for cheeky fond judgemental so and so's lately.

Maudlin name change - his one saving grace in this regard is his willingness to listen, consider things from a different perspective and actually change his behaviour. Things do have to be put to him in black and white, he's absolutely terrible at picking up on other peoples feelings and perspectives on his own but if you explain things to him outright / say how things make you feel directly / why things are unfair / how you want things to be (preferably with the help of a spreadsheet) he really, really takes that on board and fixes his behaviour. He seems to have a tremendous capacity for self growth. If this wasn't the case I wouldn't stick around.

I'm pretty sure he is starting to realise he was a bit of a dick in our child's first year. He's such a different partner and father now. He also has a few friends who have babies now and can see them doing night feeds / helping out etc and has started to question that period of our lives (based on a few conversations we've had recently). I'm not going to come out directly and say 'you were a dick' because that's pretty redundant and unhelpful now but if he acknowledges that he may have done some things differently I would be able to leave go of the leftover resentment I feel from that time.

I knew a couple like this. I remember them coming to stay with a 4 month old baby and the wife was on mat leave. She refused to have anything to do with the baby at weekends as it was her " time off". She wouldn't even hold her while he went to the toilet!!
We went to a wedding and after the evening do she was trying to persuade me to go clubbing with her when I don't think she really wanted to she was making a point!! Me and DH work as a team and we were horrified but I suppose you dont know what else was going on
They aren't together anymore

Actually now it's been brought up they do have the lie-in debacles too and get peed off if the one due the lie in gets an 'easy night' with the DC. The husband will now go for a night out and stay with his mother so he's guaranteed a lie in and she'll drop the DC to her mother for the night if it was her turn for a lie in.

'Nap schedule' geez I have heard it all now.....
It's my opinion. I am not 'so rude'. It's in the context of his and her lie ins. The absenting yourself from family life (on both sides) as your lazy and put your needs first.
And.... No...., I am not talking about you personally elephant.
Like I said my opinion....

Yes of course it's a horrible way to live. It's the stuff that comes up on the Relationship Board on a daily basis in one form or another.

it isn't exactly by choice in all cases, because it isn't always both people doing it.

Sometimes it's one person being the arse and the other person has to put up with it (or work out if it's enough to LTB over).

Is this a couple you know, or a hypothetical situation, I think I've lost the plot

I have just had a lovely long nap, DP was doing jobs round the house, My kids didn't get up until 8.30- I fancied a nap so I had one.

DH can't/doesn't nap, he has to take lenses out etc and doesn't enjoy it. But napping is one of life's pleasures IMO.

I'm just glad I've never been in a relationship were scoring points/ getting one over on each is the norm- it sounds bloody exhausting

It makes you wonder why they're together at all. Where is the love?

I read this earlier in the day but didn't get a chance to respond.

I agree that counting up every minute of free time is crazy, as is however if you don't have a rough idea of what's equitable then you are very dependant on your OH having an in built sense of fairness.

DH gets quite carried away with his hobbies on occasion and throws himself enthusiastically into them.

Fine if they are not too time consuming, but I remember when he was playing in a number of tennis leagues and thought it would be fine to be out Tue, Wed & Thu nights, then Monday for football and a bit more tennis at the weekend. I had to put my foot down and say that I needed a bit of time out as well otherwise I'd have been worn down and resentful.

It does feel a bit as if there's a touch of the cool wife syndrome on here as well, which is fine if you're happy with the status quo, but surely what's preached on mumsnet quite a lot of the time is trying to ensure that both parents have equal free time as that is only fair.

Also unless your DC is very ill then I'm not getting why both parents need to be there if it's just standard sickness?

See rookie what would have really irritated me about the situation with you and your DH is that, even after you put your foot down, I bet you were still the default childcare option outside office hours.

You shouldn't be, IMO.

You're right gottosee - I was, but things are a lot easier and fairer now that DS is a bit older, particularly on holiday when I relax by the pool or do a bit of shopping whilst DH and DS enjoy outdoor sporting activities and water parks .

So whilst I can see why trying to make things fair down to the last minute is a bit anal, I'd far rather have a bit of keeping track rather than pretty much everything being the responsibility of one parent - usually the DM.

but surely what's preached on mumsnet quite a lot of the time is trying to ensure that both parents have equal free time as that is only fair.

I agree. But with the couple I mentioned it's gone far past what's fair.

As I mentioned the dh in the couple couldn't get to the hospital to see his dying grandad because the wife had arranged to have her few hours. She wouldn't go late or even cancel. She insisted this was 'her time'.

Now personally I think stopping your other half seeing a dying relative because it's happening on 'your time' is the most selfish thing you can do.

You are right fairness can only happen if both people have a sense of fairness. If they don't it's a total nightmare. But I don't think the solution is counting minutes.

Personally I think if the relationship has got too 'well you had 15 minutes here, so I am having exactly 15 minutes' you have serious issues.

There is a line between having equal down time and it being a competition.