Me versus them couples

[witharmswideopen]

couples that keep score and try to 'get one over' on each other? For example doing the shopping and taking an extra few hours to get a coffee for themselves. Nothing wrong with that all but it's done with the pretence that "well OH stayed out later than said on Tuesday night". Or deliberately turning off their phone when they are out and know one of their DC is poorly with the attitude 'oh well i did the last sickness so OH can deal with it this time'. Being deliberately late home from appointments when they know their OH has something planned for the day and then being late means they'll miss it.

All really small things but done with such a me versus them attitude. To me it's just petty and would do my nut in having to keep track of all the slights and work out how I'll get them back.

My husband does this. I think he hates me.

We dint know any couples like this. Sounds awful and like they should not be together.

I'm not against keeping score - but think it works better if you keep score for DP (to ensure that he gets a fair deal) and trust him to do the same for you. Taking good care of each other is essential... and often very rewarding!

SouthDowns

BiL and SiL keep a little notebook in which they write things like "BiL - Mars Bar, 35p; SiL -newspaper 50p" and so on. It's bizarre - me and DH were like especially because they've got loads of money .

Good is that for stuff like you made dinner last night I'll make it tonight, I did the washing up on Tuesday it's your turn? Or more you went out at the weekend so I'm out this weekend kind of thing?

I know a couple, fairly competitive with each other. Neither of them would switch off phones if their DC's were poorly but if she spends 45 minutes at the gym, he has a need to out-do it. And they don't even go to the gym at the same time!
Competitive in other ways too but nothing the OP mentioned. I don't know if they are aware of it every time.

It makes me laugh and sometimes makes me

Sounds exhausting, unloving and a bloody miserable way to exist

^^ Yes

I honestly don't know anyone like this or maybe I haven't been paying enough attention . DH has a hobby which means he has gone out a lot at a weekend and left me with the children , which is fine , I find it a lot easier to do the boring stuff with him out of the house . I do however have a very long weekend away planned next year without him , so that is possibly tit for tat , although if you were to add up the hours , i should probably be booking a month long trip

So how are you combating them? I ask because you said 'Me versus them couples'. I agree in principle with what you're saying but what is your aibu? Do you do or say something about their behaviours that you dislike?

Hmmm. My husband plays cricket every weekend during the summer which means I have the kids all day every Saturday with no help. I am having 2 nights away in London next month with friends. Beyond that we generally take turns with things, but not to that extent! It sounds awful!

It is exhausting, unloving and miserable. I get hours spent asleep counted, cups of tea made, time at the gym, all counted and weighed. Any cups I leave lying around aren't picked up as he's not my slave. My clothes are just chucked into my wardrobe when dry.

There is no teamwork. It's all a weighing of who does the most.

I hate it. I think he hates me.

Even now I'm pregnant with a bloody hard pregnancy it's the same. If I have a nap, he has to be allowed the same time to lie down. I'm fed up but I don't know how to change it. I thought it would get better but it's only got worse.

Their lives sound shit and they clearly fucking hate each other

Sorry to hear that south it's sounds awful and very childish. Does everything else get split 50/50 such as the housework?

that sounds shit south. I couldn't live like that chick.

Hope you are ok.

It's sounds shit south I am very sorry. From the outside it looks bad enough when both are at it. It's sounds downright miserable when just one is at it.

Perhaps that's why the man, in the couple I know, started doing it to. Probably not the best way to handle it, but I can see how it happens.

I think a bit of tracking of down-time from DCs can be a good thing. I am rubbish at putting myself first and wouldn't bother but then feel like a martyr after a while. Not a good thing for a family or relationship. However, getting competitive about it sounds horrible and very unloving.

Life must be joyless for people like that. I know no couples like this thankfully

Only on here do I read of retaliation spa weekends and adults who 'nap' during the day.... It's ridiculous and I have a long term illness. Some people are just so incapable.

I'm actually in one of these relationships. It's got like this because I'm generally a laid back and generous person in my relations with others. I'm also quite passive (WAS quite passive). I dont generally expect payback for things that I do for people - most people naturally have a sense of what is fair to give and take.

In my relationship with my partner Ive had to learn to be different. He is very physically lazy and, as he'll admit himself, quite selfish. When we were young and single this wasn't really an issue. Yes, I did most of the housework and cooking but it was very, very little. We both had free time to enjoy ourselves etc.

Once we had a child this became more of an issue, obviously. For the first year I did every fucking thing. Every night feed, every bedtime, all the housework, had no lie-ins, no money and no free time. His excuse was that he 'worked'. Obviously that was a big crock of bullshit. One of the reasons I didn't assert myself is that I didn't want to be one of those couples who was always keeping score - I wanted a natural balance of give and take.

I've since come to the conclusion that I'll never be able to have that relationship with my current partner. I've gotten very assertive about the divvying up of chores, bedtimes, free time etc. But I literally have to always be keeping an eye on what he's getting v what I'm getting because he will take the piss wherever he can. Its exhausting having to constantly assert my right to exist with the same rights he does- having to get into a major argument over things that should be minor -like who's turn it is to do the washing up etc and it pisses me off but actually I've become so much more self assured etc.

That is pretty much our only relationship issue though (I know its a biggie - there have been times I've thought very seriously about leaving, even though we enjoy each others company / humour and interests and are compatible in so many ways).

He still doesn't understand how easy he had it in our child's first year though. One day I'll make him understand what a dick he was.

South that's awful. And you have a baby on the way. What will be like then. One nappy change for him, one nappy change for you...

"One day I'll make him understand what a dick he was."

How? (serious question)

I was going to post about your sort of situation, Chwaraeteg. If you get into a situation where the man is taking every opportunity to slack out, you either work flat out full time, or you need to do something assertive to address the balance. It's sad if you find yourself with a man like that, but they exist, and you can't always tell which ones they are when you are young and in love, so, what are you going to do?

Like you, I thought that relationships should be gracious and generous and run on their own fair balance. I tried so hard to do everything that was expected of me and / or very gently imply that he pick some parts up. It broke me, over the years, and it broke us. If you ask him why we aren't together he would say because I have a crazy, difficult, unpredictable personality. He isn't even really aware of the exhaustion and pressure that was eroding my capacity to cope with anything, including our relationship.

One of my biggest unanswered questions is: what would have happened if, say 7 years ago (when our first was a baby) I had started pushing back and explicitly saying: this has to change, and be fairer. What difference would that have made? It didn't seem to me like a beautiful, elegant or generous way to behave and I didn't do it. but I didn't know what I was doing, did I, and what I did do, didn't work. Maybe I should have tried to be "one of those couples"...

BiL and SiL keep a little notebook in which they write things like "BiL - Mars Bar, 35p; SiL -newspaper 50p" and so on.

Missing the point of the thread, but I want to know where your ILs shop so cheaply.

Southdowns - Your set up sounds exhausting and you don't sound loved, supported or cherished. So very sad. I know its a difficult time to make decisions during pregnancy but please do consider whether in the long term you can do better for yourself and the baby. There are men out there who would support and cherish you and work as a team.

On the other hand - you have to look at the big picture when you do this. What you often get when men enforce "fairness" is that they pick one thing, make that minutely "equal", and ignore everything else.

When I was working FT and had a toddler and was pregnant, I was exhausted. ExP was working part time. We had an agreement that we took a lie in each on Saturday and Sunday. It was rigidly enforced that he got his lie in, as late as he wanted, no matter what. I can remember being heavily pregnant with SPD and getting completely stuck on the floor with dd playing, unable to get up, and terrified as I watched her toddle out of the room and I didn't know how to follow her to keep her safe. It was about 9 in the morning and I wasn't allowed to call for help. Men who are into "fairness" never take into account the toll that pregnancy and breastfeeding take, because they can't do half, so they just decide it doesn't count. Mine doesn't drive either, so none of that counts. So we had these awful "holidays" where I would drive for 6 hours, breastfeed all night, and then have to work around all his deserved down time based on the fact that I might have managed to get an "extra" 2 hours sleep one morning or something

woah woah woah back up a bit here, What's wrong with adults napping in the day?

I love a good nap, always have done - always will.