AIBU to be worried about having a baby?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Firstly, let me say that I have always absolutely loved children. I was in an unhappy relationship for years and during that time, was always delighted to sirens time with friends' children. My friends have always commented on how good I am with children and what a good mum I would make.

Now I am happily married and at the age of 37 (nearly) I have just come off the pill. I thought I would be ecstatic but I'm anxious and don't know whether it is a good idea of not to try for a baby :(

Firstly, DH is much older than me at 55. We are very happy together and he acts and looks much younger but I am a bit worried about him being an older dad.

Secondly, DH has a very high-pressure job. He works in a profession where it is possible to make pretty crazy amounts of money. Our plan was for him to do this for a finite period (probably another 3-5 years) before retiring, by which point we should have enough money for him to do so comfortably and for me to be able to choose whether to work or not.

However, this means that he works crazy hours. He is out of the house for a minimum of 13 hours a day and very often more. When he is home I would say he spends at least another hour working on emails etc. He is EXHAUSTED at the weekends and understandably needs plenty of rest.

The problem is twofold. For a start, he simply doesn't have the energy for us to have sex during the week, so I'm not sure I'll even be able to get pregnant because we aren't having enough sex. And if we do in fact have a baby, I'm worried that I will essentially be looking after it on my own. We have even discussed sleeping in separate rooms, with me co-sleeping with the baby, so that DH will be able to get enough sleep to do his job properly.

What's more, I am worried about the impact on our lives. We cherish the time we spend together and I am anxious about the way a baby will change that.

In this situation, would you honestly go ahead and have a baby? Or would you just accept that it's not feasible and stop trying? I'm so confused!

What does your heart tell you? If you picture yourself 5 years from now, what is the first image that pops in to your head? Is there a lively little child toddling around, or are you cozied up on a sofa with DH? We all have fear of the unknown, but what honestly sounds worse, to have a baby and have to rethink work schedules a little down the line, or to retire and find yourself wit ha sense of emptiness like something is missing?

If I'm honest I don't know. DH and I are so happy together that I think I would be OK with not having a baby, but on the other hand maybe I'll regret it later :( these feelings are so confusing, because I never ever thought I would have doubts about having children!

Have a baby.

Life will change.

You'll never regret it.

Without wanting to rain on your parade, it may not be straightforward TTC at your respective ages and you could be trying for a few years, by which time he'd be nearly retired anyway and then around to help more.

The sleeping in separate rooms thing is pretty standard for most couples I know with a new baby! My DS is 6 months old and until he started mostly sleeping through at around 4 months and moved into his own room, DH slept in the spare room during the week - he couldn't do his job otherwise.

Having a baby changes your lives and you do have to consciously make time for each other. How easy that is completely depends on the baby you get which you can't predict, but by now at 6 months my DS and many of the other babies I know are in good routines, are in bed at 7 and DH and I have our evenings back for "us" time.

Normal to sleep in different room during the week when new born. Its up to you if you want a baby. Have you discussed how you feel with dh.

Please see various threads in both Chat and AIBU from the last couple of days before believing comments like 'Have a baby. [...] You'll never regret it'.

Would you regret it if you didn't try for a baby? Babies can be hard work (though some are easier than others), you might get a good sleeper!

Lets say that you have a baby, and it is harder than you thought. You need him to rein in his hours to help you. Would he do that? Would he pay for a nanny or housekeeper?

Look ahead 10 years, does that life include a child?

I'm a first time mum and different situation as took over 10 years to get pregnant through various medical interventions and miscarriages.

However, although it is hard work - different on the brain than your job type of work but still very taxing, it can actually give you more energy. I'm sure on the weekends it would be the highlight of your husbands week to see them smile and laugh and chat.

I'm still on maternity leave but my husband works looooooong hours but when he sees our little girl it refreshes him from all the bullshit at work. That said he's not always thrilled at being woken up of course but the good outweighs the bad tenfold.

Yes he is happy to pay for help. We are already lucky enough to have a cleaner. But no I don't think he would rein in his hours. He is very focused on his 'five -year plan' for us and I want to support him in this as well, because it makes sense.

Tbh in your situation I probably wouldn't, mainly due to the age of your DH. There's a big difference between being 55 and being even 65. My dad is nearly 70- he is in great shape...for a 70 year old. Wouldn't want him and a 13 year old to deal with simultaneously- put it that way. It also seems a bit of a wasted opportunity if he's going to be retired in 5 years and you can genuinely live off his wealth forever and travel the world/ do whatever you want (although I'd kick the tyres on that a bit unless he literally has millions in assets).

I'm not sure if I would if I were in that situation. Having children in my 20s was hard enough, can't imagine doing it in late 30s. Plus like you said you would be practically raising the baby on your own. Unless your DH make good enough money to hire a nanny / doula to help out.

In practical terms I would probably try for a few months and see how I feel. Perhaps my emotions (disappointed or relieved) after seeing a negative pregnancy test will tell me whether we should keep on trying.

Scooby that's simply not true and it's silly to advise someone to "Have a baby, you'll never regret it" because some women DO regret it.

OP. Your misgivings are born of perfectly sensible reasonings.

I got very broody at 30...I knew I wanted babies as soon as possible...it was a driving force in me which could not be denied or ignored.

I had two and love them with all my heart but if you'd asked me in that first year of being a Mother "have you done the right thing?"

Sometimes I'd have said no because I was in a constant panic about what I'd done in bringing a life into the world.

It's a HUGE thing and that reality doesn't and cannot be understood fully until you've done it.

I would say that because you're not really sure, then you should really be careful about having a baby.

I can't tell you yes or no, but I can tell you almost certainly -

You will feel lonely and unsupported throughout

You will resent your DH for being able to rest at the weekends. You won't be able to (unless you have a nanny)

You say you and your DH have a great relationship now. You can kiss goodbye to that once a baby arrives.

I am on night five of zero sleep with two poorly kids who are tag teaming me in waking up. My DH has been on night shifts and sleeping in all morning while I tear my hair out with the children. I want to punch him in his face.

Just saying.

I wouldn't put off waiting at your ages.

My DH is out of the house 13 hours a day (though unfortunately doesn't make silly money for it ) and quite often has to finish off emails after dinner/at the weekends. It would never have occurred to me that this would be incompatible with having a family. Honestly I think you should count yourself lucky that he works those hours and will be able to retire so young- there are millions of people who will work much longer hours than that and barely scrape by. My DH will probably adjust his schedule a little when our first arrives in a few weeks (come home at 6 instead of 8, but then log back into work from home when little one goes to bed), and I will be sleeping in the nursery Sun-Thus for a good few months (which seems a very common setup amongst our friends).

Also, I feel I should add, I am only just 30 and DH is 35, and I had a driving, primal urge to have children. Logically, I kind of wish I didn't. I wish DH and I could keep our fancy holidays, lots of disposable income, our gorgeous furniture clean and unmarked, keep our lazy Sunday brunches with the papers. But there was something deep inside me that needed a child. If you don't have that desire, I would think very carefully about having kids, especially with your DH being older.

I used to work for a family (I'm a nanny) where Mum was 40 and Dad was 52. A few years after they had DC1 they felt ready for another...and ended up with twins. Gorgeous little ones, but Mum and Dad could barely function on a day-to-day basis. The possibility of twins increases with the women's age, as do other complications, so please do keep that in mind.

Nobody can tell you yes or no -
You should or you shouldn't. That has to come from you. In the nicest possible way though, don't try to run before you can walk - maybe get the TTC out of the way first then worry about it!

Even then, I don't think there's an answer. I'm 5 months pregnant now and am still not sure I will be any good at this. But I figure the only people who are sure they will be brilliant parents are probably deluded idiots so I'm in good company worrying!

And as to your DH's age - my DH's dad was a much older dad too. No, he didn't run around the park with him or teach him to swim or ride a bike, but he did raise the lovely kind, thoughtful man that DH is now. About to be a grandparent for the first time, FIL is nearly 80 so we aren't expecting him to be too hands on here either, but then again my DF was not an older parent at all, was 31 when I was born, and is now no longer with us so again, it's not anything you can predict - why worry!

Oh dear- such mixed responses so far! The problem is that I don't want to TTC and then regret it once I'm pregnant, because I would never terminate a pregnancy

I guess my perspective is that you're maybe concentrating too much on the "can I look after a baby" rather than the longer term picture of a twenty + year commitment to child rearing. There's a risk that you go straight out of the teenage years into your DH's twilight years with no fun bit in between. I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's worth bearing in mind. My mum's friend has a much older husband (she's 55, he's 75). He's lovely but he's basically an old man. MN loves the "marathon running, postbx jumping octogenarian" anecdotes but the reality is, they're the exception.

I don't think you want a baby OP. You shouldn't be tortured by these thoughts....if you DID want a baby, you'd be doing the deed and taking pregnancy tests already!

When me and dh were considering a 3rd my thoughts were I could never regret having a child but would probably regret it if I didn't. Children are hard work but also such a pleasure.

It sounds like you're scared of regretting not having a child more than you actively want one. I agreed to start ttc even though i didn't feel broody. I just knew in 5 years i wanted to have had the two children i want eventually and felt I'd better get on with it. Am now pg with twins and bricking it. But i knew i wanted my future to include children. I'm not sure i would ttc with a man so much older than me either.

Suspicious - love your observations - so true!!
Op - sounds like you know your fertility is waning and its 'now or never'. If you don't go for it now you'll likely never have children - how does that truly make you feel? Can you imagine being old and not. Grandparent? Having children does involve a lot of change and giving up a lot and yes it's a lot of work but people rarely regret doing it - mostly they regret not doing it after its too late.
At 37, it's not impossible, but you have likely already missed the boat to have 3/4 DC and may just end up with one even if you do decide to go for it.
The hard baby years are very transient 2/3 years and you are through the worst of it.

IMO 55 is too old to have a baby. I had my first at 28 and second at 30 and even then there was a significant difference in my energy levels. Children require a lot of energy - you'll end up supplying most of it and you'll be exhausted.

I know everyone is saying, we can't say yes or no but I'm going to say no. You love your life and your husband. Unless you have the deep longing and undeniable biological urge that tells you that you need to have a child, don't ruin what you have. My husband works long hours (for a piddly amount of money but that's neither here nor there) and I resent him massively for not being there the times that I really really need another parent in the house. And mine is better than most, who gives of himself freely and equally when not at work even when he is exhausted beyond measure. But as a pp said, it is lonely and difficult work and if it is not massively necessary to your happiness on this earth, I would say don't do it.