AIBU to be worried about having a baby?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Firstly, let me say that I have always absolutely loved children. I was in an unhappy relationship for years and during that time, was always delighted to sirens time with friends' children. My friends have always commented on how good I am with children and what a good mum I would make.

Now I am happily married and at the age of 37 (nearly) I have just come off the pill. I thought I would be ecstatic but I'm anxious and don't know whether it is a good idea of not to try for a baby :(

Firstly, DH is much older than me at 55. We are very happy together and he acts and looks much younger but I am a bit worried about him being an older dad.

Secondly, DH has a very high-pressure job. He works in a profession where it is possible to make pretty crazy amounts of money. Our plan was for him to do this for a finite period (probably another 3-5 years) before retiring, by which point we should have enough money for him to do so comfortably and for me to be able to choose whether to work or not.

However, this means that he works crazy hours. He is out of the house for a minimum of 13 hours a day and very often more. When he is home I would say he spends at least another hour working on emails etc. He is EXHAUSTED at the weekends and understandably needs plenty of rest.

The problem is twofold. For a start, he simply doesn't have the energy for us to have sex during the week, so I'm not sure I'll even be able to get pregnant because we aren't having enough sex. And if we do in fact have a baby, I'm worried that I will essentially be looking after it on my own. We have even discussed sleeping in separate rooms, with me co-sleeping with the baby, so that DH will be able to get enough sleep to do his job properly.

What's more, I am worried about the impact on our lives. We cherish the time we spend together and I am anxious about the way a baby will change that.

In this situation, would you honestly go ahead and have a baby? Or would you just accept that it's not feasible and stop trying? I'm so confused!

Oh and you don't need to have lots of sex to conceive - you just need to have sex at the right time. It's worth spending money on an ovulation kit and knowing when you get cervical mucus and then just concentrating doing the deed around this time.

And it's v common to sleep in separate rooms after baby and no matter his job, many women do the main work of baby raising - it's just how things often work out and part of the work of it.

I'm 40 and have a newborn, my first. I mourne my old life but I also can't remember a time we didn't have baby and my heart aches if I even think of not having baby!!!

It is tough, no denying that, but it's also so rewarding! You 'sort of' get used to sleep deprivation! Getting out of the house and being places on time is, however, near impossible!!!

There are many professions where a husband isn't able to be around much (forces, emergency services etc), so as long as you communicate well and set out expectations for help/involvement before baby is born things should be workable!

Also invest in good earplugs (bio ears) and a super king bed!!

Do you actually want a baby or do you just feel like you should? Better to not have one and regret it than have one and regret it don't you think?

At your ages it's certainly not a given that you'd become pregnant very soon - though caveat - even if you were both in your 20s you might still have problems but your ages make is significantly harder.

If you can reconcile the fact that this 5-yr plan means for the coming years you'd be doing the majority of the child rearing and even thereafter then go ahead. Equally there are many things people miss about their lives before they had children. It comes down to what tips the scales for you.

Have your fertility looked into as a by-the-by.

having a baby is not the b all and end all. Put another way I know a lot of very happy childless people.

But really, I think this must be and has to be a joint decision - as there are 2 parents here. what does your DH say?

is he prepared to co parent
does he realise that a child will take his limited time with you away
is he prepared to shoulder the burden and work for many more years
are you prepared to be on your own ALOT with a crying baby

I cannot judge, but your concerns are valid Polly

I can't tell you if I'd go ahead if I was you or not BUT It's natural to be worried, it's fear of the unknown isn't it?

Do you have a strong wanting for a child? That's what happened to me once I got to 38

I have just had my first ( and defiantly last) baby at 39 and I can't believe it took me so long to be put my worries aside and have DD, yes I miss my carefree life pre DD but I have never loved anybody as much as I love her.

You may not conceive straight away, I was lucky and conceived 1st month off the pill but the GP did say to me because of my age and that I'd taken the pill for 15 years with no break it might take a while.

My husband is often away for huge stretches of time. I have two older children and my parents are a long way off. We have a baby who husband sees erratically due to work. My husband is younger in his 30's and I am 40.
I am ok with it but I was a single parent for 5 years and not my first etc.
Do you have a good support network that isn't DH (I mean really good)? I didn't with DD1 & DD2 so it was emotionally very hard.
Is this crazy money really enough to replace some of his/ your effort in managing the household (a cleaner? A mother's help)? It wont help with your relationship but at least your living environment will be pleasant.

I wouldn't even want to be in a relationship with a man who worked so much, let alone have a child with him!

Obviously the vast majority of us have to earn money, but there's more to life than work. If he's working long hours and is then too exhausted to enjoy quality time with you, what's the point? It's not just about sex (although it's not great that he never has energy for it), it's about companionship.

If you had a child with him you would effectively be a single parent, although you would at least have his financial support, but that's all you'd have.

His plan to retire in a few years is all well and good, but it sounds as if he's a bit of a workaholic - or at the very least, he really enjoys his job, or he wouldn't spend so much time working. So he might change his mind about retiring, or he might retire and hate it.

I don't think it's particularly fair on children to have a much older father, either, although if he had a better work/life balance, and both of you were completely sure about having a child, his age wouldn't be a deal breaker.

Conversely to Tinklypoo I was born when my dad was 47. I didn't worry about him dying until I was 29 and he was bluelighted to hospital.

OP I don't know the right answer. But. You've got to be happy with your choice, together. Talk to him too.

You won't regret your baby, you'll love them. Yes it's a strain for a while but it's so short lived and everything calms down eventually!

You won't regret your baby, you'll love them.

I'll reiterate what someone upthread has said - there have been a couple of threads in the last few days where people have openly admitted having children. Not the actual children as such, but becoming parents.

So I wouldn't come out with blanket statements like this...

On the one hand I would say have a baby because they're great and you won't regret it once it's here. Children really do enrich your life and I'm a better person for knowing my daughter- she's clever and hilarious and she's only two. However I would be wary about the tiredness. We had our first child at 26 and 28 with DH in a high stress job and it was knackering in ways I hadn't even considered.

If you're not sure you want a baby (and you're not - its clear from what you've written), then I would say don't do it. Having a baby is lovely, but its really hard and IMO it really helps if you both REALLY want it. If you're indifferent and he's not gagging for it either then why change what sounds like a happy life for the two of you?

His age also worries me for various reasons. He's 55 already. That means he'll be at least 70 when your potential child is only in his/her mid-teens. That's old. Older men (and women, for that matter), are also more likely to sire DC with health problems/ASD/etc. How do you both feel about that?

I get the feeling that you're trying for a baby because you think you should, not because you actually want to. That's not a good enough reason for me. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done and its relentless - 24/7/365 for years and years and years. It changes your whole life. You will have to make endless compromises and give up large chunks of lovely adult things you enjoy doing. Do really, really want that?

Tinklypoo my Dad was 27 when I was born. I'm 43 and he's been dead for 15 years (he was in excellent health till he got leukaemia at 53).

I am so sorry about your anxiety but it really isn't logical and hope you get the help you need.

OP if you have always loved children and love your husband, and he wants children, don't over think it. You'll find a way and many raise children in much harder circumstances than you describe. However you will have to be strict about ttc with precision and just caffeine him up to have sex at the right times. Seek help early if you have not conceived within 6 months as you have limited time and plenty of money for private fertility treatment.

My DH and I took a long time to decide, over thought it too much and almost didn't have a child- 2 rounds of IVF later he is just 2 weeks old and I already feel sick thinking we almost decided not to have a baby. And I didn't even like other people's children!

Does your DH have any kids already? Just trying to get a sense of what he knows about the reality of the experience.

Sorry thread police. I'll think twice about giving an opinion when asked for it next time.

Sorry thread police. I'll think twice about giving an opinion when asked for it next time.
Ah yes, because it's your opinion, no-one can disagree with you. I forgot that's how that worked.

Of course people can disagree - I object at being called 'silly' for voicing an opinion - that's how it becomes a bun fight.

I think you do want a baby but can't work through all the logistics and practicalities that come along with it which is understandable. I'm 38 and pregnant with #2. Took a while to decide to take the plunge again (DS1 is 2) mainly as I'm quite career focused and struggled a lot with sleepless nights etc but earlier this year I just had a feeling it was the right thing to do and bam, pregnant. I'm over the moon. We've agreed DH will sleep in spare room for first few months. Makes total sense as there's no need for him to be up during the night.
If you can work through things while your DH works long hours, great, it's a short time in the grand scheme of things and the money will set you up nicely. Weekends will be tough and you will resent it at times but if you have a support network that'll help. And sounds like you could afford nursery so that'll ease things if your baby goes to nursery. You'll work it out. Just think long term.

Our ds was born, via ivf / icsi when I was 38 and his dad 47. We are both young for our age and ds is now 16. I don't think age has much to do with it; the only thing is that I was to old for further ivf cycles to work so he is an only child. He is happy, healthy, bright and not bothered about our ages or being an only child. However, I could not have got through that first year if dh hadn't been fully on board, helping with night feeds and taking over when he got home from work. I don't believe that most couples sleep separately when the baby is young- I think that's a recipe for resentment.

It isn't silly at all. it's downright fucking irresponsible. People DO regret having kids.

OP, nowhere in your post do you seem to say that you actually WANT a child, just that other people say you would be good with one.

I do not think that your husband's work sounds that unusual. A lot of families I know have fathers working similar amounts. So that wouldn't really worry too much esp if he'll be around once they're school age more. It would be hard work but you'd make it through. His age would put me off a bit.

But I think the main thing is the lifestyle choice. Do you want to spend the next 10-20 years being a selfless mother, putting your child/children's needs, hobbies, interests etc before your own. Up at night, holidaying in 'family resorts', a night out is a takeaway, meal out is pizza express at 5.30, at football/class parties all weekend etc. because you really want a family and children who love you and that relationship. Or would you rather focus on you and your partner's relationship, wishes, needs, hobby's etc. Spend your holidays relaxing on a quiet beach/drinking cocktails/climbing Kilimanjaro. Seeing friends at the weekend, lots of meals out etc. It's s difficult one. What does your dh think, it will be his retirement?