Smoking with a baby

[Darnda]

So my husbands promised to give up smoking several times, managed it once for a few months but that's it. He promised he would stop before our wedding but didn't, then he promised he'd stop before our first child was born and after the baby came he hid the fact that he hadn't stopped for several months until he was caught out. I'm so sick of it, I used to smoke so I do understand it's hard but I've had enough now. Our baby is almost one and he still smokes away then grumps about changing his clothes before he holds the baby. I've snapped tonight as I've done a load of baby washing and he's outside smoking right next to it instead of down the side of the house so I've had to wash it all again. It's not the money or the principle I just want him around for as long as possible for me and our baby. It kills me that he doesn't seem to care. If I pester him about it he gets all defensive but if I say nothing he just merrily carries on so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. AIBU? How would you handle this?

Plenty

Some lovely and supportive posts from you here. I dont wish for judgemental hysterics to drown out your points so I am going to copy and paste your post, hope that's ok

if any PG smokers are reading this, please do come over to the stop smoking topic for support and encouragement, without all the judging and shaming that are so unhelpful

OP - would your husband try the Allen Carr clinic or book? I used to smoke for several years. DH hated it when he was my boyfriend and more so when we got married. His dad died from smoking-related lung cancer despite having quit 15 years prior. I stopped smoking but moved on to Nicorette and found that really hard to give up. After 2 years of the dratted gum I finally quit after reading the Allen Carr book because we wanted to TTC. In between felt super guilty/frustrated/would lash out at him for nagging, while simultaneously feeling v guilty that I couldn't quit. But glad I quit 6 months before our BFP. I'd suggest the book or the clinic - it's pricey but really worth it for the excellent success rate.

Darnda

You said originally "It's not the money or the principle I just want him around for as long as possible for me and our baby". The in the next post suggested an ultimatum.

You could go the ultimatum route. If anything will make him stop and decide what is more important than smoking, an ultimatum that he loses his marriage and child will do that.

You asked if ultimatums work. They only work if you are fully willing to embrace the answer you don't want. If he calls your bluff. If he thinks to himself "she wont really leave me over this". Then he's not going to take it seriously and is likely to dismiss the ultimatum as bullying and/or nagging.

However, if you really are willing to divorce over this, then an ultimatum may be the way to go. If you would genuinely rather parent solo, separate financially, live on your own with your child, manage co-parenting when separated and will cope with him finding a new partner and life - then I'd say your best chance to force him into the decision to give up would be an ultimatum.

I don't say that flippantly or lightly. Its a really big deal. Your sentence in the OP about wanting him around for you and your baby in later life says a lot about your feelings for him.

Unless you do something really massive like give a divorce or give up smoking ultimatum - and mean it - he's unlikely to give up until he makes that decision himself.

If you don't want to make that ultimatum and follow it through, your only option is to keep on being disappointed in him, outcasting and guilt tripping him and make your peace with the fact that he'll only give up when he is ready to give up.

m

Oh and I smoked with both DDs they are fine.

Quit with my sons lost one at 19 weeks and one at a day old. If and when I get pregnant again I won't be quitting.

You cannot change his behaviour. You cannot make him want to change.

YANBU for wanting him to stop. YABU for pestering him, as this won't change his mind set.

I personally would be annoyed too if OH kept smoking when we had our DS. It annoys me enough that he uses an e-cig.

I would make sure he knew what danger he was doing to your DC's health. Even if he changes his clothes. Even if DC never got near him and experienced any passive smoke, he is still role modelling this behaviour.

AHEM
We can read posts in strikeout so don't put personal attacks there
Thanks ever so

Hello, just wanted to post an update. I decided I couldn't put up with the smoking so explained to him that it was making me not like him anymore because he was putting his selfish & awful habit before his family & that was a deal breaker for me. I was fully prepared for him to tell me to piss off but something about our conversation got through to him. He's been on the ecigs ever since and is doing really well. He's feeling the benefits of stopping & I'm hopeful he's cracked it.

Good to hear all is going well.

Smoking isn't great but, in fairness, you started dating, married and had a child with a smoker - what did you expect? What he is doing isn't illegal and it's his body. You can support him to give up but it's not going to work to try to emotionally blackmail him into quitting.

Didn't realise this was an old thread. Glad to see I was wrong!

I grew up in a household of smokers. It was the nineties. They smoked in the house and when we were in the car (illegal now). My sister and I have never had any health problems (that we are aware of). No respiratory conditions or anything like that. Saying that I absolutely loathe breathing in other people’s smoke as an adult and wouldn’t want that for my child. Is your DH aware of all the risks, not for him, but for your child? Children who with a smoking parent are much more likely to end up smoking themselves. I started smoking at twelve years old but I thankfully gave up as a young adult.

@WiddlinDiddlin

I'd second the advice to buy him a vape stick but buy a GOOD one.. go to a vape shop and ask for their advice on it.

Most smokers need to start out with something that delivers a decent nicotine hit quickly, and tastes like tobacco - even though most will go on to vaping fruity or sweet flavours in the end.

Look for something with variable power, and a tank with variable airflow, as these affect the amount of vapour produced and what it feels like to actually draw on and take vapour into the mouth and then into the lungs (you want mouth to lung, not direct to lung too!)

I went from 20 a day, for 25 years, to a vape stick in about a week, haven't looked back!

Couldn't agree with this more. To pack the cigs in once and for all, a vaping device needs to deliver satisfaction. The liquid is a big consideration too. Definitely go to the vape shop, they LOVE to talk about vaping, usually because it stopped them smoking.

Took me about a week to quit 15 a day, best favour I ever did myself.

My mum smoked non stop round me when I was a kid. My lungs are fucked. I suspect I have adhd which can be caused by toxins in the environment.
Tell him to quit or get out otherwise smoke well away from the house and child and full shower and change of clothes before anywhere near the child.