Smoking with a baby

[Darnda]

So my husbands promised to give up smoking several times, managed it once for a few months but that's it. He promised he would stop before our wedding but didn't, then he promised he'd stop before our first child was born and after the baby came he hid the fact that he hadn't stopped for several months until he was caught out. I'm so sick of it, I used to smoke so I do understand it's hard but I've had enough now. Our baby is almost one and he still smokes away then grumps about changing his clothes before he holds the baby. I've snapped tonight as I've done a load of baby washing and he's outside smoking right next to it instead of down the side of the house so I've had to wash it all again. It's not the money or the principle I just want him around for as long as possible for me and our baby. It kills me that he doesn't seem to care. If I pester him about it he gets all defensive but if I say nothing he just merrily carries on so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. AIBU? How would you handle this?

I hate smoking. I hate even more those who selfishly expose others to their smoke (pregnant women, those who smoke around babies, etc). It is however an addiction, and someone who is addicted will behave in a way that is selfish by virtue of their addiction. I don't know what you can do really, as you have already asked several times and he had failed to stop. Has he tried stop smoking aids (eg e cigarettes)?

I hate and despise smoking. My mum is in hospital right now because of smoking related illness. DSis and I have lifelong asthma and have both been in hospital several times because of our parents' smoking. I'd fucking ban cigarettes if I could. BUT I know your DH cannot and will not give up because of external pressure. You need to accept that he is a smoker and work out how you're going to live with it.

He has tried an e cig (that's how he stopped for a few months several years ago) and now uses it when it's a family gathering or something then just goes back to normal cigs after & doesn't touch the e cig for months. I feel like he knows it's socially unacceptable so hides it on those occasions and uses his e cig but in everyday life when it's just me and baby he doesn't care. If I'm completely honest I don't understand how he can't stop, the damage smoking does and how expensive and selfish it is, I don't care that he's an addict, I was and managed to stop. I think sometimes you just have to suck it up, it will be hard but nothing is impossible. He's behaves like a teenager about it when he's in his 40s! It's the morning after now and I'm still livid, I really think I've gone past the point of no return with this now.

op therein lies the problem: he doesn't want to stop. You want him to stop, but unfortunately you can't force him to, he will only stop when he wants to.

You have highlighted a positive though: that smoking is no longer socially acceptable to those around him. This is something that has changed over the past few years, in a big part due to the public smoking ban.

As he is unwilling to stop, you have to choices: either leave him, or stay with him while he smokes, but you can of course put in firm boundaries regarding the smoking. (No smoking weed around baby, wash hands and change clothes before touching baby, no smoking weed around laundry).

Superstar90 I will also put my hands up and admit I smoked through 2 pregnancies and throughout my DC's childhood. I'm not proud, I don't believe FATE is either, she's just trying to keep things in proportion. A generation or so ago, a huge number of our parents smoked and actually most of us are OK.

Statements like this: You should be throughly ashamed. ... How can you come on here and admit this like it's ok? are really unhelpful. 10.6% of women are still smoking at the time of delivery in the UK. One big problem is they feel too ashamed to admit it and seek help. The problem is so great that NICE have had to publish specific guidance for HCP to deal with this group sensitively. What's really shameful is that MN is part of the problem. Any PG woman struggling to quit smoking who read your comments would conclude that MN is not a place she could come for support. Sadly, she'd probably be right.

OP, I agree with some other PP, it was a bit daft settling down and having a child with a smoker if it's something you feel strongly about. That's not much use to you now though. It's great that you managed to quit but you only know how hard it was for you. Some people end up on oxygen or with one lung or no legs and still can't manage to quit. All people can do is keep trying. The vast majority of quit attempts end in failure. Can't remember the exact stats but it's something over 90% at the 1 year mark. That includes smokers who are really motivated to quit, so nagging will get you nowhere.

If he really wants to quit I would also recommend a decent ecig, it's the only thing that's worked for me. Stop Smoking Services have very good success rates (comparatively!) and now support people using ecigs so it might be an idea to combine the two. You can find your local SSS here.

Sorry plentyof but like other posters on here I've been very affected personally by the effects of smoking.

The facts are everytime someone who is pregnant or around small children lights up they are putting themselves and their addict first, not the child. I find this inexcusable and incredibly selfish.

I do think people should be able to post on mumsnet - asking for advice on stopping etc and def wouldn't want to demonise anyone who had come for help. However the poster wasn't asking for help - she was belittling and trying to downplay the effects of smoking saying she had done it and there wasn't any ill effect. The facts are all the research shows the effects are long lasting and often subtle. She can't say she hasn't damaged her dc when they are only 10.

I hate the way people say 'it's not that bad'. Even if your dc didn't suffer any ill effects - many many children of smokers will have and for that reason a parent needs to put the child's health, not themselves and their addiction first.

Ps to the op I would print off all the research on the effects etc and hand it to your DP. Then I'd ask him to read it and look at your DC everytime he's tempted by a cigarette. Along with e cigs and professional help (if he'll go).

If that doesn't work I'd move out to a family or friends house and tell him you're not coming back until he's quit.

You're not helping though, you're making things worse. Women won't come here for support because you've already demonised them and told them it's too shameful even to admit. Contrary to popular opinion, smokers are not stupid. They are capable of reading a variety of posts and gauging the prevailing attitudes of a support forum, even if this specific post is not about a PG woman seeking support to quit.

Most smokers and ex smokers have also been 'very affected personally' by the effects of smoking. It tends to run in families so most of us have lost someone and/or have relatives with health problems. How far back shall we extend the blame? Should I blame my mother for the fact I started smoking? Or my grandmother? What about my great grandfather who died before I was born? It's not very helpful really is it? Certainly not as helpful as making MN more supportive for pregnant smokers trying to quit.

I would print off all the research on the effects etc and hand it to your DP

Yes because I'm sure he's totally unaware. It's not as if there's a giant picture of a nasty smoking-related disease staring him in the face every time he picks up his fags, is it?

Plentyof - stop demonising me. Smoking in pregnancy is shameful and no one should think it is ok. Both you and the other poster were downplaying the ill effects - as addicts and ex addicts often do. Neither of you were asking for help or support - you were seeking to justify your choices.
As another poster proved your choices may effect your children yet - the other poster developed late onset asthma from a parent smoking.
People asking for help or support should not and would not be demonised.
Op you can see what you are up against as the vast majority of ex smokers even think 'it wasn't that bad'!!

'Demonising' you? WTF!?

Everybody knows smoking in pregnancy is shameful. Nobody thinks it's OK. It's so shameful that pregnant smokers hide it and don't seek help. You are adding to that sense of shame. Please stop.

People asking for help or support should not and would not be demonised.

Have you been on MN long? It took me 4 years on MN before I plucked up the courage to admit to smoking in pregnancy. The reason I do so now, and will continue to do so, in spite of my shame, is because I get so bloody sick of seeing PG smokers being hounded off here when they come seeking support to quit.

(if any PG smokers are reading this, please do come over to the stop smoking topic for support and encouragement, without all the judging and shaming that are so unhelpful)

Should and would not be demonised by ME. No one is asking for help here or admitting it with a view to quitting.
You obviously have a chip on your shoulder. Keep on blaming other people for the fact you didn't ask for help to quit - as you said yourself it's not going to get you anywhere.

Personally I hate smoking and for me it's a deal breaker, I could never be with a smoker. However I think you are being a bit unreasonable, he's smoked since you met him and you chose to be with him and have a baby with him, even if he'd promised to give up if it's such a huge deal for you, as it would be for me, you should have been certain he'd given up before having a baby with him. I doubt you nagging at him is going to help him give up. You could try an ultimatum but what if he calls you on it? Leaves the relationship?

You told a poster she should be thoroughly ashamed to come on MN and admit she smoked during pregnancy. I think it would be good if you stayed well away from any support thread on this subject.

You obviously have a chip on your shoulder.

I'm not blaming anyone for my past smoking and as it happens, I did ask for support to quit, it just didn't work. Frequently it doesn't, but it still increases your chances.

Op you can see what you are up against as the vast majority of ex smokers even think 'it wasn't that bad'!!

Come on, you know that's not true. There is no more zealous an anti-smoker than a former smoker. I'm very anti-smoking, but I've met some absolute nutters - all former smokers.

My DP smoked from age 14 to age 30, and never managed to quit. I second what other people have said about a really GOOD vape from a proper shop. DP switched to a vape when I got pregnant the first time (I had an early miscarriage and got pregnant again immediately), and slowly managed to get onto using the vape instead of smoking and then slowly lowered the nicotine in his fluid until he was using zero nicotine fluid, and then slowly stopped using the vape. He quit completely about a week before our baby was born and hasn't relapsed. It wasn't totally smooth, there were a few blips, and I DID need to nag. Mostly I needed to make not smoking always be the easiest option, by buying him loads of fluids and spares and making sure his vape was as good and easy and appealing as it could be. And I did need to keep reminding him that he needed to lower the nicotine and stuff, because addiction and habit are both tricky. But he did it.

However the poster wasn't asking for help - she was belittling and trying to downplay the effects of smoking saying she had done it and there wasn't any ill effect

You clearly didn't even read my whole post. (I'm "the poster" you refer to). I was merely pointing out that yes, smoking is very bad. But some proportion could be gained.

I am not downplaying the ill effects of smoking. The tone of my post makes it clear I am not proud of the fact that I used to smoke. If you were less hysterical you might have a better ability to read tone in a post.

Your judgemental attitude is not helpful.

Fate destiny - I did read your post. You said smoking was not necessarily a death sentence for children. Well having known a baby die of sids - whose parents did smoke around it - I would beg to differ. Yes there is no way of saying that baby wouldn't have die anyway if it's parents didn't smoke, or that other factors weren't involved, but it is a known risk factor.
The research shows massive increase in the likeihood of illnesses, cancers, affect on development etc.
I'm just calling a spade a spade. The op was asking if she's being unreasonable getting upset and I would say definitely not.
To the posters who have posted personal attacks I have reported your posts to admin. No one should be called those names just for expressing an opinion. I said fate should be ashamed for saying in effect I did it and it was ok/turned out alright - which is basically saying it's not that bad - look at me you can get away with it.

Has he read the Allan Carr book? It's really boring and hard to get through but has a really high success rate. He has to want to stop though. I read it 6 years ago and never touched a cigarette since. If I'm walking past people smoking I'd walk out into the road rather than inhale any of it.

Your judgemental attitude is astounding.

I understand you are anti-smoking. So am I. We can come from a this viewpoint from different directions.

Ex-smokers we not bad people
Smokers are not bad people

Smokers, especially smoking parents, are likely to already be very well aware of the health implications. This alone is not usually a trigger-factor in the mindset change needed to give up.

Your only advice appears to be summarised as: make these smokers understand the health implications and then they'll give up.

This is naive.

My post was to super, not you thunder

That's not my advice fate and I have never said you are a bad person - I don't know you. Do not put words in my mouth.

I had a boyfriend who's mum smoked in pregnancy and who lived in a smokey house. 35 years on he had horrible asthma and was guaranteed to get a nasty chest infection every winter.