To give her an ultimatum?

[SparkleSoiree]

DD and her GM (my mother) usually enjoy a fairly nice relationship to the point DD has holidayed with her GM several times over the years in this country and abroad. DD is nearly 16 and is now fairly vocal in challenging the boundaries that have surrounded her over recent years, naturally as she develops her own ideals and beliefs and matures. We have relaxed most of these boundaries now to the point she now makes most of her own decisions, priorities her own school work (good grades), has a lovely group of friends and makes good choices for her health and wellbeing. During the drive back from a weekend away with her GM, visiting a family member, a situation developed in the car between them that has resulted in the breakdown of communication between them that neither will speak to the other. The situation in the car was that GM made a racist comment about two other drivers. DD was upset about this and called GM out on it. GM told her she could say what she wanted and this escalated into a heated situation where DD said GM called her a couple of horrible names, told her she was nothing special, laughed at her when DD cried and then refused to speak to her for the remaining 2hrs on the way home. GM says she did make the racist comments and can do so if she likes, that my DD is no angel and I haven't seen the vile, ugly side to her personality and there is no way she is ever speaking to my DD again unless DD apologies to GM. DD doesn't want anything to do with her again, such was her upset.

So, we are all going to the States for christmas this year including DM. DM is meant to be sharing hotel room with DD and DD is point blank refusing to be anywhere near her saying nobody in her family has ever hurt her in the way GM did and why should she have to katow to GM. The balance of the holiday is due in mid October and I'm not happy about GM coming if this issue is not cleared. It's christmas time, we will have paid a lot of money to go there and I don't want a horrible atmosphere because 2 members of the party aren't speaking, specifically DD not enjoying her christmas and being forced into a situation that she should have a clear choice about. My thinking is that it should be my mum that doesn't come as she is the adult and refusing to accept that she WAS being offensive with her racist comments and that she overreacted to save her own embarrassment when DD didn't play along with her.

For the record, I know the sarcastic side of my DD that DM refers to and to be honest, compared to when my son was a teen, DD is a smooth dream and I can put up with a bit of sarcasm. I think my mum's dig at DD's "vile personality" is that DD didn't comply to her usual controlling methods which made her angry. GM's belief is that she is an elder and DD should respect her and comply with what she says, regardless of DD's feelings.

AIBU to give my mum an ultimatum that she either grows up and approaches DD with a view to resolving this amicably or that we will have to travel without her at christmas time?

[BestZebbie]

"GM made a racist comment about two other drivers. DD was upset about this and called GM out on it. GM told her she could say what she wanted"

GM may be deluded about this - even 'grown ups' can get cautioned for hate speech (depending exactly what she said).

[pointythings]

You realise you have raised an awesome DD, don't you? Now ignore your toxic DM and keep her at a loooooong distance. She has well and truly shown her true colours and does not deserve contact with you and your family.

[SparkleSoiree]

Thank you everyone. It's been a long, hard battle to raise DD without any of the toxicity affecting her, although some of it has, I'm sure. We're both very proud of her as she is so passionate about people and the world, it's actually quite an amazing thing to see when she really gets into debating mode.

Oh to be that young again!

[ConvincingLiar]

I'd definitely let your mother stew. I don't think an apology if offered now would be sincere.

[Pettywoman]

You've done the right thing. Prioritising a good relationship with your fantastic daughter over appeasing your toxic mother is always the way forward. If you go permanently nc with your mother it would all be on her and her awful behaviour.

I applaud you.