DD and her GM (my mother) usually enjoy a fairly nice relationship to the point DD has holidayed with her GM several times over the years in this country and abroad. DD is nearly 16 and is now fairly vocal in challenging the boundaries that have surrounded her over recent years, naturally as she develops her own ideals and beliefs and matures. We have relaxed most of these boundaries now to the point she now makes most of her own decisions, priorities her own school work (good grades), has a lovely group of friends and makes good choices for her health and wellbeing. During the drive back from a weekend away with her GM, visiting a family member, a situation developed in the car between them that has resulted in the breakdown of communication between them that neither will speak to the other. The situation in the car was that GM made a racist comment about two other drivers. DD was upset about this and called GM out on it. GM told her she could say what she wanted and this escalated into a heated situation where DD said GM called her a couple of horrible names, told her she was nothing special, laughed at her when DD cried and then refused to speak to her for the remaining 2hrs on the way home. GM says she did make the racist comments and can do so if she likes, that my DD is no angel and I haven't seen the vile, ugly side to her personality and there is no way she is ever speaking to my DD again unless DD apologies to GM. DD doesn't want anything to do with her again, such was her upset.
So, we are all going to the States for christmas this year including DM. DM is meant to be sharing hotel room with DD and DD is point blank refusing to be anywhere near her saying nobody in her family has ever hurt her in the way GM did and why should she have to katow to GM. The balance of the holiday is due in mid October and I'm not happy about GM coming if this issue is not cleared. It's christmas time, we will have paid a lot of money to go there and I don't want a horrible atmosphere because 2 members of the party aren't speaking, specifically DD not enjoying her christmas and being forced into a situation that she should have a clear choice about. My thinking is that it should be my mum that doesn't come as she is the adult and refusing to accept that she WAS being offensive with her racist comments and that she overreacted to save her own embarrassment when DD didn't play along with her.
For the record, I know the sarcastic side of my DD that DM refers to and to be honest, compared to when my son was a teen, DD is a smooth dream and I can put up with a bit of sarcasm. I think my mum's dig at DD's "vile personality" is that DD didn't comply to her usual controlling methods which made her angry. GM's belief is that she is an elder and DD should respect her and comply with what she says, regardless of DD's feelings.
AIBU to give my mum an ultimatum that she either grows up and approaches DD with a view to resolving this amicably or that we will have to travel without her at christmas time?
AIBU?
To give her an ultimatum?
SparkleSoiree · 14/09/2016 09:53
user1471etc.
Unfortunately, today's children are brought up with horror at the racist thing
I am assuming you didn't mean that the way it is written. 
user1471452804 In addition to your illogical approach to the acceptance of racism, please don't refer to my daughter as a 'snowflake', we're discussing the fact she has been treated in a derogatory manner by a family member and in reply you refer to her in a derogatory manner. She didn't deserve it from DM and she doesn't deserve it from you. She is an amazing young woman, insightful, compassionate, loving, caring, principled, educated and incredibly funny. In fact, I think you could probably be done with spending some time with her, you may learn something. I know I learn things from her often. 
TheLastHeatwave She called DD a 'cheeky little sod/shit" (twice) and a "spoiled brat", told her she was "nothing special" and not to "get ideas above her station". DD told her not to call her names and GM laughed at her saying she will call her whatever she wants. DD asked her to apologise and GM laughed again and refused and basically made DD feel insignificant and irrelevant and deeply hurt her. I think though it was the viciousness in which she used the words that upset DD. You also have to bear in mind that DD was in a car on her own driving in the outside lane of the motorway so felt trapped too. If this happened elsewhere she would have been able to leave the situation. This holiday is just for us, we are going to try and meet up with a friend whilst out there although not confirmed.
ppandj DS and his family are not coming with us, we are having a christmas with them before we leave. DS also has to work hard at managing DM's controlling behaviour. Actually he and DD are similar in their approaches, just cut it off.
slimeycheese2 Thank you, although I think another poster has pointed out a valid element of my position in this situation...
LongtallJosie THAT'S a big question....I don't think I have enough time to explain......
RunRabbitRunRabbit Thank you for making that clear to me. I have been bullied badly by DM since birth and have gone through counselling to help deal with it. I thought I was getting better at managing her behaviour for myself but have clearly missed my role in this situation. I am always 100% for my DD but it's clear I need to issue this ultimatum to ensure DD feels fully supported and my DM receives a clear message that I find her behaviour unacceptable too. Thank you.
Thank you to everyone for your support of DD, she really is a wonderful young woman and we are both extremely proud of her but most importantly we want her to feel and really know that we will always support her as our priority. I can see now where I need to take this.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Good on you OP. I wish I had had a DM who saw the issue in the way you are seeing it and draws the line in the sand over which your DM will not be allowed to cross.
Sounds like you and DD both are pretty fab.
She called DD a 'cheeky little sod/shit" (twice) and a "spoiled brat", told her she was "nothing special" and not to "get ideas above her station" ... GM laughed at her saying she will call her whatever she wants
Ouch!!!
As PPs have said, this clearly isn't about one argument or even the racism - it's about her overall attitude, as your comments about her ongoing unpleasantness show. You don't get to demand respect once you're elderly (or at any other time, come to that); you earn it
Unfortunately your DM seems not to have learned this lesson, so maybe it's about time she learned another one: that actions have consequences
Very wise, sparkle
And yes, telling DM will probably create a massive row and cause a hideous atmosphere but look on the bright side: at least you can leave that atmosphere behind instead of dragging it along on holiday with you
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I agree there could be a possible medical issue. Might it work to tell your mother "this isn't like you?" Unless of course it is like her. 
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