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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask would you have another baby?

62 replies

Mirrorward · 13/09/2016 23:31

I've had to NC as this with my other threads would give me away. But perhaps it might anyway?

I have two DCs. The first ended up in NICU the second in SCBU.

I had traumatic sections with both of them (separation, back in theatre lots of personal complications)

DC1 almost died from respiratory distress. We were eventually in separate hospitals.

I had gestational diabetes, SPD and obstetric cholestasis for both pregnancies.

I suffered from PND with both. I was super hard on myself re breastfeeding much was down to low supply poorly babies undiagnosed tongue tie.

DH has said j can have another baby. Section would be planned this time. I diet and exercise control my GD. I spent a fortune with a osteopath to keep walking when j has SPD. I will get OC again it's inevitable.

I feel I have one more baby left in me. I have no local support. But eldest DC is now in school. What should I do? AIBU? My mum and Nan both said leave it. It's too risky all of it. For me and baby. I don't know what I can't explain why I want another baby then I know I'm done.

OP posts:

Helloooomeee · 14/09/2016 11:36

I would. Problems faced during pregnancy and post section are short term. If I wanted another baby as much as you appear to I would find a way to manage them. Maybe you'll be lucky. My second pregnancy was far easier than my first!

TheABC · 14/09/2016 11:44

Two kids, straightforward pregnancies but c - section deliveries due to fetal distress. Have told DH that the next attack of broody feelings will result in a puppy as two operations are enough.

It sounds like you are risking your mental and physical health if you birth another child. I would seriously look into adoption if you really want a third.

Original poster

Mirrorward · 14/09/2016 11:55

Went to a baby group today. It was lovely. Toddler had a great time. Was emotional to think I won't be doing this again with another baby. Looking at calendar I should be ovulating pretty soon so I'm thinking my body is trying to trick me into this broodiness! X

OP posts:

Funnyface1 · 14/09/2016 11:59

Just my opinion but no I wouldn't have anymore. I just had my second baby by planned c section. First baby was emergency section 6 years ago. It has been no picnic and no easier recovery despite it being planned. I did not have any of the complications you've had but I absolutely could not put my body through that again. I want to heal up and be at my best physically to take care of my two children, I would worry that a third section would leave me with lasting poor health.

FaFoutis · 14/09/2016 12:08

I would and did.
Knowing about these things and having some idea of how to deal with them is most of the battle I think.

HickDead · 14/09/2016 12:08

I doubt I would take the risk. I have 3 DC and had life threatening complications with the third. With DC2 I had some complications after birth but was told that it could have happened to anyone and I shouldn't let it stop me having a DC3. They did happen again only worse this time and culminated in me being very sick and the baby being in distress. We were so close to it all going very wrong, my poor DH still gets emotional when we talk about it, he's not an emotional man at ALL.

What I'm trying to say rather clumsily is that I was reassured that my complications were quite minor and only had a small chance of happening again but it still went wrong. You on the other hand have had quite severe complications both times, you are also aware that you will more than likely have complications again, the severity of which you are unable to predict. I would be taking more notice of that. What would happen to your 2 children if it did go wrong? Do you have support with them if you end up in and out of hospital during your pregnancy, as I did. I felt awful for my children being passed from pillar to post because I was too sick to care for them.

Think about this all really carefully before you make any decisions.

Original poster

Mirrorward · 14/09/2016 14:29

I think a third pregnancy might tip me over! I just don't want any regrets. I spoke again to my husband today. He said he thinks now I should concentrate on my own health. Get myself back to peak so I can be there for our two DC. He's concerned too for my mental home being at home and he can't offer any more support due to his job. Perhaps it's nature pushing me to want another ie a biological urge but putting heart to one side and using my head I really shouldn't have any more children

OP posts:

Lymmmummy · 14/09/2016 14:33

I probably would not

Not because of needing a section - I think a lot of people can manage 3 sections of needed - not because your babies where in nicu/scbu - which I know from personal experience many parents deal with very well with - but because it seems pregnancy and the early stages of babyhood take a huge toll on you as an individual and with 2 DC I think for me that would be enough

Original poster

Mirrorward · 14/09/2016 14:43

The 9 months of pregnancy is a struggle. I have to have a GD consultant and a consultant because of the obstetric cholestasis. I have appointments every 2 weeks. I manage my diet (which means I generally don't put any wait on and have both times lost weight). The reasons for NICU and SCBU were probably related to my GD & OC. Lung problems often happen with babies who have GD mothers. Jaundice for babies who have GD and/or OC mothers. It's too much really. Too much for my body to take on. I will bookmark this thread as it goes through my thought process sensibly. And it brings me to a no which is the most sensible option

OP posts:

Figgygal · 14/09/2016 14:47

It's not up to us most people have said no they wouldn't I certainly wouldn't but you've given more reasons why you should/want to do you just wan us to tell you to go for it? Regardless of consequence to you or your existing family?

Sorry if that's harsh

Original poster

Mirrorward · 14/09/2016 14:51

Nothing is harsh. I need you all to give me a reality check. However harsh it may be

OP posts:

steff13 · 14/09/2016 14:55

So, what if something happens to you during the birth, and the baby is ok? Your husband is left with your two existing kids and a newborn to take care of on his own? I wouldn't risk it.

SolomanDaisy · 14/09/2016 14:57

I really wouldn't. SPD alone was enough to put me off trying for another for a long time. How would you cope with a toddler and SPD? With the potential for both you and the baby being seriously ill it's just not fair on your other kids.

Only1scoop · 14/09/2016 15:00

Absolutely no way would I

Especially after your last post.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 14/09/2016 15:01

You sound lovely and I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. I really wouldn't if it were me though. You've been through enough and the risks are too many imo

RubbleBubble00 · 14/09/2016 15:40

I have three children and honestly going from 2 to 3 us really hard work. I often feel my older two were getting short changed during first couple of years. I have great pregnancies and easy enough deliveries and extra help from fil. With your medical history I wouldn't have a third.

Original poster

Mirrorward · 14/09/2016 15:55

Thanks eveyone I think it's time to accept that the wisest move is certainly not to do it. I wish it didn't feel so bad. I had SPD, GD and OC for both pregnancies. Looking back it was so stressful but still beautiful and special to grow a baby. Then again I have spent the minimum of 2 weeks in hospital (personally) post birth so I also am
Mourning the lost newborn time at home. In my heart I think right one more I know the pregnancy will be tough. Hopefully no NICU or SCBU if we plan carefully with the consultant on the steroids and timings of the section. But then the thought of major abdominal surgery! I fear people probably think I'm a nutter!

OP posts:

Secretmetalfan · 14/09/2016 17:20

You sound like me as I went through almost exactly the same and have no local support with DS currently Ttc number 2. You can't comyr it desire for another go for it

northernshepherdess · 19/09/2016 13:55

Yes.
I was in labour with my 3rd and knew I wanted 1 more.
I've had many mc. I have mh issues and have had severe pnd (priory hospital severe)
You need to be practical. Get support in place 1st.
Start building a network of people to be with. Book a relative to stay when hubby goes back to work etc.
Real brooding is horrific. I fear it will be a huge regret for you if you miss doing something you really desire and that can cause depression in itself.

lucyandpoppy123 · 19/09/2016 14:10

I had OC and SPD and a traumatic birth/postpartum and I'm not sure. On the face of it - no I wouldn't. But the feeling of needing a baby can be very strong. I would need to give serious thought to it and make sure support was in place, especially with other dc's.

KathArtic · 19/09/2016 15:17

Pour your love into your two children, they are so special, why risk your health or that of another baby?

I often read on MN of those struggling with various things and then they said 'I'm pregnant' or 'I have a newborn' and I think was that REALLY the best decision in your situation at this time.

Can I ask if you have two of the same gender and want to try for a different one??

expatinscotland · 19/09/2016 15:25

No because of the risks to your health which you have said you cannot fully disclose without giving yourself away. For those who say pregnancy and section complications are short-term, well, actually, they can kill you. It's really not something to take lightly. I wouldn't chance leaving my kids with no mother.

skyyequake · 19/09/2016 15:30

I think if adoption is something you and your DH are comfortable with then go for it! Obviously you need to research etc but I think that should be your first course.

My immediate thought was what would happen if the worst were to happen and you died? You said you have no support so how would your DH cope with 3 kids on his own? He certainly couldn't keep his current job if its 7 days a week...

And what would happen if the worst happened to the baby? You've been through a lot already, how would you cope psychologically with that?

What if one or both of you ended up in hospital? Your kids won't be in school/nursery till 6 when your DH gets home. Could he take the time off work? Can you afford that?

What if you end up permanently disabled from another pregnancy? Could you look after 3 kids, on your own every day till 6, with no support system?

Definitely look into adoption before anything else and sorry you have been through so much already x

coconutpie · 19/09/2016 15:33

No. You've been through enough already. You have 2 DC, focus on them. You have no local support and your first 2 experiences were traumatic. How will you cope if your 3rd birth is similar? How will you care for your 2 DC if you have a very hard pregnancy?

ParadiseCity · 19/09/2016 15:37

No. I wouldn't.

My mum had 3, she was ill during third pregnancy but continued with it. She died before that baby was 6 months old. I do love my younger sibling but it has been very hard growing up motherless and even more so for my sibling who carries a lot of (needless but understandable) guilt.

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