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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I get over this jealousy?

61 replies

allthecarbs · 13/09/2016 19:02

It's really getting me down
I get so jealous and sometimes resentful of women that have a good relationship with their mum. I see them everywhere, they'll just be chatting over a coffee or their mum will be helping with the school run and I just wish it was me.
I want to go and sit in my mum's garden on a sunny day. I want to have a mum stroke my hair and fuss over me when I'm upset.

Sorry, I am feeling rather sorry for myself today and needed to get it out. Any tips on dealing with jealousy would be great but I have a feeling it will never truly go, it's so deep within my heart.

OP posts:

dudsville · 13/09/2016 20:31

Someone's always missing out on something. I don't have a sister. My brother and I aren't close. I get on well with my parents but live too far away to nip in for a cup of tea. I'm jealous of people who have these. And I have other good things. One thing doesn't make up for the other.

bumpetybumpbumpbump · 13/09/2016 20:32

I understand. My mother has never been capable of being a mother-it does get easier with a lot of time and the bitter moments do become more spaced out.

What has helped me is nurturing friendships with others who are there for me and my family, especially the long lasting ones.

I know some people found the comment about mother/daughter relationships also having troubles unhelpful, but I often tell myself that I am lucky to be independent and not have an interfering mother, someone to criticise me or tell me what not to wear etc!

Also be proud of who you are despite your circumstances, always focus on how far you've come not where you are compared to others your age.

Don't get me wrong I get angry and bitter and I know that will never completely disappear but there are ways of working through and navigating the horrible emotions you are feeling

sleepy16 · 13/09/2016 20:34

I'm the same, have gone nc with my parents.
Was in care form the age of 11.
My husbands mum was amazing but she passed away 11 months before my eldest was born.
My children have never experienced what it is like to have a nan, and that hurts.

Original poster

allthecarbs · 13/09/2016 20:35

You are very right dudsville. I know there are so many women who would desperately love a child and I can imagine the ache they feel, but I can't help but think selfishly over this at the moment.
I'm really good at distracting myself with other negative thoughts but this one never goes. Maybe some cbt would be helpful.

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/09/2016 20:37

YANBU. My 'mother' left me as a young child. I've never really got over it. I've just been forced to live with it, as what else can you do.

I do feel very jealous of those who have great relationships with their mums, mine doesn't want to know me to this day and denies my existence. I was lucky to have a great nan but it was still painful to know I was the only person I ever knew all through school being brought up by someone who wasn't my parent.

Most of my family are quite crap tbh. I get left out of half siblings lives because I didn't grow up in the same house, despite us spending a lot of time together when we were young, I barely factor on their radar and pinning them down to see is a nightmare task. 2 aunts have real chips on their shoulders about me and my children because I am closer to their mum than they are and my nan treats me like a daughter and is the only family member to do anything for my children. Not close with any cousins now, some I probably won't even see again. My dad is around but as he and I are getting older, I see less and less of him. I can count on one hand how many times I see him a year, despite me saying he should come over

DH's family are even worse. Totally disinterested. Very self involved. Sometimes I feel really sorry for my DCs. They have noticed it all too.

formerbabe · 13/09/2016 20:38

I'm sorry but I can't stand all the be grateful for what you have comments...and some people have it much worse. It really doesn't change how I feel! Of course, there's always someone worse off than you but that doesn't mean we have to walk round in a perpetual state of happiness and gratitude.

GlumsTheWord · 13/09/2016 20:39

I completely understand how you feel OP. My mum died when I was little and though I was loved by my dad, the warmth and the hugs and the 'someone to talk to' were always missing. My dad then died when I was in my twenties.

I find it especially hard when I am with my in laws - in particular, at Christmas. They are lovely people who adore my DH and grandchildren, but they will never be MY family and they will never care about me in the same way a parent does for their child. I often come away feeling quite angry and lonely.

Ladybird08 · 13/09/2016 20:43

I completely understand and actually had a very similar feeling of sadness watching a mom and daughter in a cafe the other day.
Everyone used to presume that my mom and I were close. She would help me with the school run and we would even go to cafes every so often together but it was all a show. She cares how she looks to people but I don't think she really likes me. It was always an effort for her to spend time with me and there were the constant remarks comparing me unfavourably to my sil and how much better behaved sil son was compared to my son.
There are many other things to and I have recently gone no contact with her which has been a weight lifted.
What I am trying to say is that things are not always as they seem.
The other thing I am trying to do now is nurture my relationships with others rather than thinking about how I wished things could be different

Original poster

allthecarbs · 13/09/2016 20:45

I can't stand people who don't appreciate what they have though. BIL has the loveliest mum and he is horrible to her and never gives her the love she deserves. I would give anything to have her as my mum and I just want to shake him.

That's different to what you are saying u suppose though former. Sometimes it feels like you're being told you're not allowed to be unhappy when actually, you have every right to be unhappy.
Most of the time people are only trying to be nice although there's always one!

OP posts:

Badders123 · 13/09/2016 20:46

I've got a mum
She doesn't do any of that stuff.
I'm sorry you feel so upset, but, really, things are rarely as they seem, particularly family relationships.

VelvetSpoon · 13/09/2016 20:47

Charley

I get quite resentful about other peoples parents, and grandparents. I'm always surprised when people my age (mid 40s) not only have parents but grandparents still living. Doesn't seem fair somehow.

Badders123 · 13/09/2016 20:48

I'm not grateful for my mum.
She is a huge burden :(
and I miss my dad :(
I no longer grieve for a mother/daughter relationship.
It never existed,
Can't miss what you never had I suppose.
For those who had it and lost it, yes. It's very hard.

seriouslyclueless · 13/09/2016 20:50

It's so hard AllTheCarbs.
My Dad committed suicide so that makes me even more sad that my mums bailed out too.
I know alcohol is so complex and what first starts out as a coping mechanism can take over.
I'm sure the way you feel about your mum now is the minds way of trying to protect you.
I do the same with my mum and get let down every single time. I can't go no contact though as just too complex.
I try to be grateful and think positive thoughts, it is hard but helps. I get to feel understanding for my mum and know that in her messed up, narcissistic way she loves me.
I am so insanely jealous of my husbands sister who has a really healthy relationship with her mum. I read something recently that these feelings of jealously only hurt you though so trying really hard to he happy for her.
Sometimes it's all so hard though.

ssd · 13/09/2016 20:52

I know I'm being unreasonable and I know I'm so lucky for my dc's and dh.

But I ache for a mum and a bit of mothering, its been so long since I was mothered. And nothing else replaces this, to me, anyway.

GlumsTheWord · 13/09/2016 21:00

Oh no, this thread is making me cry now.

[tea] and for all the motherless mothers here.

Badders123 · 13/09/2016 21:00

It must be so nice.
I wish I had experienced it.

GlumsTheWord · 13/09/2016 21:01

Bah, then.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 13/09/2016 21:02

I feel like this too, partly about my mum because we can't have the relationship I'd like, or that she'd like, because she's hard work.

But mostly about my Dad, I get angry or sad when I see Grandads doing things with the kids or with Dads being there for/with their daughters and I miss my lovely, lovely Dad SO much it hurts. I know I'm lucky to have had him until I was 40, but he was only in his 60's & full of life - I expected to have him for many, many more years & I want him back! 😢

Unicorntrainer · 13/09/2016 21:02

On the flip side, I would love to have a dd who wants what you want. Mine uses, and has become toxic in the last 12 months. Hugs to you x

user1471552005 · 13/09/2016 21:03

I get my nurturing through being a good mother myself.
I don't really get along with my mother, never have, she and I have never been close. I have never thought of feeling sad or grieving over it, in fact not having that support has turned me into a stronger person.

My mother is passive aggressive, racist, totally self centred, homophobic,

I'd run a mile if she tried to stroke my hair.

I feel lucky that I dp however have an amazing close and loving relationship with my own (nearly adult) daughter.

Cantusethatname · 13/09/2016 21:05

It's never what you think.
You might look at me and my mum in a cafe, laughing, in tune, happy with each other. She is my best friend and I love her dearly. But once we were a family of 4 and within 3 years my brother and my dad were gone. So although we have each other, we have our losses too.

ssd · 13/09/2016 21:05

Badders , you probably had the male version, in your dad.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 13/09/2016 21:07

My relationship with my mother is awful. I do, however, have a sort of mother-daughter relationship with my SIL's MIL who is ace. My kids call her Granny and love her to bits. It's not really a hair-stroking relationship but it's good for all concerned.

MalodyandJim · 13/09/2016 21:10

Another one here. A mother who just isn't interested, quite selfish, calls once every six months or so to tell me about a new purchase.

So jealous of women who's mums are there for a cuppa, a chat, advice. I've never had that, left home at 16 and looked after myself ever since really.

IHulaNaked · 13/09/2016 21:10

My mum died when I was a child. It's affected my whole psychology. It affects all my relationships and my entire life. I feel constantly abandoned.

I really really really rate you for getting through life with such a difficult challenge. A mother is someone who we want to protect US, alcohol would have changed her completely and you would have had your roles reversed - you would have been worrying about her instead. This is just what I imagine so apologies if I misunderstand.

It's so sad, it really is.

Don't torture yourself with what "could have been". Sure you can think about it occasionally and be sad about it, but I think constant fixation and jealousy indicates you really need counselling desperately?

I would also suggest a book. I bet there are many. It wil help you feel less alone. I read Motherless daughters (or began it anyway...). It was great. You will probably find something more relevant to alcoholism.

My neighbour is an alcoholic. I feel so sorry for the family. The alcoholic doesn't realise the destruction they are causing all around them. It's a horrible addictive poison.

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