To be hurt and embarrassed?

[Sayonaraplenty]

Went on a date this w/end with someone who I thought was a sweet, gentle, quiet guy (known him a little while). Had drinks to combat nerves. I was my usual chatty self and he opened up during the eve. Date reached a peak just before midnight, when he was due to catch transport home. He asked to crash at mine so as to carry on the night. I didn't think this was a great idea as was v tired and not really in the mood but couldn't really force him to go home plus was having good time.

Evening went on, I got drunker, started feeling more tired and sick, definitely ready to go home. Chatted a lot of shit and asked annoying/needy questions Probably over shared too. I feel like I looked a lot more into him than I am if that makes sense? I like(d) him but the more nervous I am, the nicer/chattier I get and when he tried to kiss me etc I just went with it so as not to make him feel rejected, even though wasn't really in the mood.

He later grandly announced that he'd like to see me again and could really see us having a relationship how magnanimous He thought I looked beautiful, he really liked me... I must have found this sweet at the time rather than ridiculous and just went with all his attempts to essentially get me into bed, despite really just wanting the comfort of my own bed, by myself.

He then tried it on massively when home, despite fact I had not given him any signals, was really drunk and clearly just wanted to sleep. I feel a bit used and also a bit disgusted with him.

Anyway, gave him the benefit of doubt and thought well he was drunk too, maybe he's embarrassed blah blah.

However all day yest, heard nothing. Today was a big day for him and me (for very different reasons) so I messaged to wish him well. He replied saying thanks, nothing else. For context he is not a player at all. If anything quite inexperienced.

Aibu to be hurt and feel a bit used?? I don't understand his motives at all or what he wants.

Oh bless you OP. Sounds like half the dates I went on and I've been married 15 years, not everyone forgets what it's like. I would just sit it out, the embarrassment will fade.

He shouldn't have pestered you for sex. The wanking in your bathroom is disgusting.

You shouldn't have kissed him if you didn't want to. That is sending mixed signals. You shouldn't have let him come back to yours if you didn't want him to. He's not a mind reader, how was he supposed to know it was reluctantly? I don't mean that either of these things mean you should have had sex with him though.

I don't understand what your issue is with him saying he wants a relationship. My now DH told me that on our second date. I was glad to have met someone who actually said what they wanted without playing games.

It sounds like he could be embarrassed too. Was he very drunk also? You say you overshared etc, maybe he feels like he did too. Or he's embarrassed about pestering you and then sorting himself out in your bathroom!

What have your other dates been like? Less alcohol maybe?

Do you actually like him?

I'm confused as you said he used you for sex but later that you didn't have sex.

I think you sound too nice and he sounds horrible. The biggest mistake you made was letting him come back to yours.

From your description - he probably thinks; You kissed him, said he could stay, had a nice evening, opened up to him, then were a bit needy, let him sleep in your bed, but didn't want anything to happen?

Did you let him sleep in your bed? Or did he sleep on the sofa? Sounds like he slept in your bed from your second message. Why did you text him if you don't want anything happen with him?

I think he might be confused and think you are a bit confused and be keeping his distance

Fair enough. Other dates have been a mix of sober and alcohol-fuelled... During sober one, he was very very shy, so I decided to go for the Dutch courage approach on this one (not loads, just a couple but for various reasons disagreed with me this time) so we could both loosen up and be comfortable with each other - reached a peak when I felt we really clicked but then I became drunker and felt ill.

Op I think people are struggling as saying you want a relationship isn't a grand thing to do. If you'd had 3/4 dates and we're drunk, him saying "I'd really like a relationship with you" doesn't seem abnormal or an announcement.

But he sounds like a dick who just wanted to get his end away and when he didn't has sacked you off. And wanked in your bathroom.

Trust me, if he was interested in pursuing it he'd have made it clear by now. Thank your lucky stars he's not!

Yes I do think I like him but would be happy to take it slow, something I haven't yet mentioned. Because he was very very shy the last time we met, I assumed he wanted the same. Surely it must have been obvious to him that the reason nothing was happening was my drunken state.

Put it down to experience and move on. Ime the shy quiet ones are massively into themselves. You heard him wanking in your bathroom; I couldn't get past that!

You're not even massively attracted to him. Like you say, his personality has massively failed too. Don't waste your time on trying to make someone seem right who isn't. There are plenty of blokes out there. Just forget him.

Puglife - it's a really weird one, we had one extended date (could count as two) about 8 months ago then reconnected and this is a third or first. Whatever way you want to look at it. So yes perhaps he is uninterested, perhaps shy or a combo. I don't know.

• massively overload!! I've been awake for hoursssss

Aww OP. I went on lots of dates like this when I was single for a lot of years.

The fallout feels horrible, especially as you had the anticipation of it being (kind of) 3rd or 4th date, and because the hope and excitement that it might go well before this let down.

It wasn't fair of him to ask to stay at yours early on. It played upon your hope for the date going well. You didn't want to say no in case it put an early end to a date you'd been looking forward to.

I think I know what you mean by 'grandly announced' too. He seems pretty entitled, asking to crash at yours followed by pushily trying it on with you when you got back followed by performing a sex act on himself in your private space and home when you made it it clear you weren't up for anything else.

The way I see it, his announcement, late in the evening after much alcohol when things are muddled about deeming you suitable for a relationship, rather than opening a conversation with you about it in a more sober situation to see if a relationship with him was something that you might be interested in fits the rest of his entitled profile. I would not be surprised if this announcement came as part of his plan to have sex with you that night along with wangling his pass into your house earlier in the evening.

Try not to feel hurt or used. It was nice of you to send a follow up text on his big day, especially as you had rapper i n the build up to Sat night. He's obviously not as much of a nice person as you. HIs response suggests to me that he would absolutely have used you - he was after sex, and he's pissed off that he didn't get it. Not a nice man.

Think no more about him. You had a lucky escape, and you did assert yourself where it counted - you didn't want to have sex with him and you didn't.

Just add all those red flags you picked up on earlier in the evening to experience, and be confident in yourself to say no to anything you are not comfortable with at any point in the proceedings - anyone worth their salt will respect your boundaries or wouldn't ask anything of you to push them in the first place.

And remember - all the bad dates add to your experience and help you find the sort of person you are really looking for. You'll look back at some point soon and laugh at yourself for giving this loser a second thought.

Well lesson learned that getting drunk isn't the best way of maintaining good judgement.

He might be an arsehole.

He might be a guy thinking "oh heck, I got so drunk, I told her I liked her and wanted a relationship but I was soooooo drunk and it seemed like what she wanted to hear and then I think I got that wrong cos she backed off from sex (which we didn't have) and I just made a total idiot of myself and - oh shit, what if she heard me wanking?"

I might just send a "thanks" text and run away to die of embarrassment if I were him.

Unlike others, I don't think the wanking is such a crime. More laughable really. If we're going to be "oh bless you" to the OP for being young and drunk, I think we can apply the same to him - judgement impaired, thinks he's having a quiet wank and no-one can here, is drunk and gets that wrong!

It's interesting that your OP is trying to work out what going on with him. Forget him. Far more useful to expend your mental energy on why you kissed someone when you didn't want to, and what changes you make to stop that happening again.

Aside from the fact he sounds awful, he also sounds like he could be blowing you off OP.

A lucky escape in my opinion.

rapport!!

not rapper

Totally agree with heldtogether. Most of us have been there. I've made enough mistakes. The right course of action is to cut it off and not prolong the agony.

I don't disagree with PP btw that he might be an entitled arsehole. It's just as likely as my conjecture that he was just young and drunk and immature like the OP.

My point is that none of us know, and that wasting time thinking about his motivation is pointless when thinking about your own boundaries is far more useful.

It really really shouldn't be this difficult you know. You should find each other attractive and want to spend time together, without all the massive dramas. For what it's worth too, I've had a lot of men in my life, including plenty of drunken ONSs and not one guy has EVER had a wank in my bathroom like that. It's so unbelievably inappropriate. He should have either gone home, slept on the floor/sofa or just quietly gone to sleep in your bed, when it was clear you didn't want to go any further. Seriously, consign to history and move on.

Are you sure it was a wank?

If I was him I'd be too embarrassed to contact you too. I'd be mortified at my shitty behavior and then having a wank in your bathroom.

I agree with others that you need to work on your boundaries. Don't do things you don't want to do, don't get so drunk you feel sick just to get in with someone (a sign you don't really click anyway), and don't let people in your home if you aren't 100% comfortable with the idea. And just because someone is shy it doesn't mean they are nice.

I agree with most points on here. He overstepped the mark, but it sounds like you were sending out mixed messages.

Neither of you come out of this smelling like roses TBH. I would just chalk it up to experience and move on.

First issue, he was a pushy, wanking knobber. No excuse for his behaviour and he shouldn't have been like that. An he was really out of order pushing you to have sex. He sounds really unpleasant at the least. Second Issue, OP, you need to work on your boundaries

This.

Please be more careful, OP. This was entirely his fault and I am not blaming you; I am just worried about you. There are so many men out there who will take advantage. It is foul that women end up having to take precautions to avoid men sexually assaulting them, but unfortunately that is the world we live in.

I'm utterly confused by your op. How do you know he was having a wank in your bathroom if you were drunk and went straight to sleep

Why does wanting sex with a woman who kissed him and allowed him into her bed make him an arsehole exactly? .

They were both. Drunk. Why does the OP get a free pass for this but he doesn't?

Bottom line is, the op let him come back to her's because she didn't want the night to end. the op then kissed him back, she says so he wouldn't feel rejected but how was he to know that? the OP then got into bed with him.

It sounds like the only thing he actually did wrong was have a wank in the OP's bathroom, assuming that's actually what happened, OP was drunk after all so couldn't possibly know that for certain. But even if it was, is that so terribly wrong? A bit inappropriate maybe but then again how many threads do we see on here from women complaining that their partners push them for sex and the response is "tell him to sort himself out." Seems that's just what the bloke here did, no?

He didn't push the OP into sex, he tried it on, and TBH from the signals OP gave out he didn't have reason to think that he couldn't. But when the OP turned him down he did exactly what most on here would advise, he went off and sorted himself out.

So while it does seem as if the two of them need to both grow up somewhat and that they are both incredibly mismatched, I'm not seeing the pushy entitled arsehole here that so many seem to be doing.

OP bottom line is, if you can't deal with boundaries when you're drunk then you shouldn't drink. If you don't want to have sex with a man then you really shouldn't be allowing him into your bed while you're both drunk and you feel you can't say no. If you give out mixed messages then you can't be surprised wen he decides that this is all a bit of a head fuck and backs off. In fact that's far better than the alternative which would have been to carry on having sex regardless of your having said no, which he didn't.

I kinda agree with WannaBe here. Doesn't seem he's done a great deal wrong bar send a non committal message afterwards.

Where does it say that she allowed him in her bed? I have reread all the OP's messages and couldn't find anything that said she did.