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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be hurt and embarrassed?

77 replies

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:00

Went on a date this w/end with someone who I thought was a sweet, gentle, quiet guy (known him a little while). Had drinks to combat nerves. I was my usual chatty self and he opened up during the eve. Date reached a peak just before midnight, when he was due to catch transport home. He asked to crash at mine so as to carry on the night. I didn't think this was a great idea as was v tired and not really in the mood but couldn't really force him to go home plus was having good time.

Evening went on, I got drunker, started feeling more tired and sick, definitely ready to go home. Chatted a lot of shit and asked annoying/needy questions Blush Probably over shared too. I feel like I looked a lot more into him than I am if that makes sense? I like(d) him but the more nervous I am, the nicer/chattier I get and when he tried to kiss me etc I just went with it so as not to make him feel rejected, even though wasn't really in the mood.

He later grandly announced that he'd like to see me again and could really see us having a relationship how magnanimous He thought I looked beautiful, he really liked me... I must have found this sweet at the time rather than ridiculous and just went with all his attempts to essentially get me into bed, despite really just wanting the comfort of my own bed, by myself.

He then tried it on massively when home, despite fact I had not given him any signals, was really drunk and clearly just wanted to sleep. I feel a bit used and also a bit disgusted with him.

Anyway, gave him the benefit of doubt and thought well he was drunk too, maybe he's embarrassed blah blah.

However all day yest, heard nothing. Today was a big day for him and me (for very different reasons) so I messaged to wish him well. He replied saying thanks, nothing else. For context he is not a player at all. If anything quite inexperienced.

Aibu to be hurt and feel a bit used?? I don't understand his motives at all or what he wants.

OP posts:
echelon · 13/09/2016 00:44

So did you have sex with him or not?

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:44

No I didn't. I was fully clothed and drunk, and went straight to sleep.

OP posts:
Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:46

I did explain that I liked him but that I was really hungover and felt sick. I don't know, I'm confused, yes! I don't feel like he's a horrible guy. Just immature and got carried away.

OP posts:
Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 00:47

I also feel like it's a shame that this is how things ended...

OP posts:
TheGruffaloMother · 13/09/2016 00:57

He went and had a loud wank in the OP's bathroom and people are questioning how the OP behaved? Hmm

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 01:14

Ok I've just worked out why I feel the way I do. I feel rejected for sending a peace-offering-type message wishing him well for big event today and in return getting a stand-offish response, when I was the bigger person after events on weekend and still willing to give him benefit of doubt.

Whether he was embarrassed or not, this is not how you treat a girl you potentially want a relationship with. Is it.

I feel like after he made that claim, I softened towards him and opened up, as I thought it was sweet and honest of him. But now feel duped and like I've given him a massive ego boost. Also a lot more cynical than before.

OP posts:
TaterTots · 13/09/2016 01:22

Maybe he didn't call back because you think someone telling you they'd like to see you again is 'rather grand'. How exactly was he supposed to express that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2016 01:23

There are two entirely separate issues.

First issue, he was a pushy, wanking knobber. No excuse for his behaviour and he shouldn't have been like that. An he was really out of order pushing you to have sex. He sounds really unpleasant at the least.

Second Issue, OP, you need to work on your boundaries. You don't have to let someone stay at yours just because they want to, even if they missed public transport. He's an adult, let him get a cab if he missed his tube/bus/whatever. Say no and mean it. You 'went with' kisses you didn't want because you didn't want him to feel bad? No no no. You don't owe anyone your body. It's not your job to make anyone feel good.

Those are totally separate. You didn't deserve his pushiness because of your poor boundaries. You need better boundaries because they are good for you, not because arseholes pressure women.

JellyBelli · 13/09/2016 01:28

I think I'm going to be the dissenting voice on this thread. It didnt go well, did it. You were nervous, drank too much and shared too much.
A boundary is not a rejection. Its a limit. Its not nasty to set a boundary and ask someone to respect it. Especially when you end up resenting and bad mouthing them.

How about you try assertiveness training? Then you wont go on dates with men you dont fancy, and you can set clear boundaries and stick to them.
You might not end up feeling so resentful and blaming them for everything that goes wrong either,

RepentAtLeisure · 13/09/2016 01:29

The inexperienced men can be as full of themselves as the experienced if something appeals to their ego. My guess is that he thought you'd be easy to have sex with as you were so drunk, which is especially disgusting.

MommaGee · 13/09/2016 01:29

What MrsTP said

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 01:35

It ironically did go v well during the first few hours we spent together as conversation flowed and we really started to gel.

Regarding my wording "rather grand" it was because you can't just announce you want a relationship - as I explained in my post above... It's a two-way thing, you show it through actions and not words!!!

Also the transport thing. It was a train so cab wouldn't work. Yes I should probably have assertiveness training. I'm too nice sometimes and (without sounding like a twat) I really do go out of my way to try and make people feel at ease: acquaintances, colleagues, friends... it was awkward the way he just said it didn't matter so we didn't have a time to work towards.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2016 01:43

It was a train so cab wouldn't work. And he knew that. Not your problem. Many issues in life could be solved if people, especially women, would learn what is their problem.

In this case... His transport; not your problem. His wanting to kiss you; not your problem. His erection; not your problem. His self-esteem; not your problem.

TaterTots · 13/09/2016 01:44

So if he'd let you know through interpretive dance that would've been okay?

Sayonaraplenty · 13/09/2016 01:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TaterTots · 13/09/2016 01:47

Please don't accuse me of trolling just because I disagree with you.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/09/2016 03:41

What exactly did he say that was so 'grand'?

MephistoMarley · 13/09/2016 03:57

There seem to be lots of points throughout the evening where you did things you didn't want to do just because he wanted to. You need to learn to say no when you have had enough and not to feel like you owe a man anything or have to be nice.
As for why he hasn't responded to you - maybe he's disappointed that he didn't get a shag or maybe he said loads of crap when he was drunk that he didn't mean, or maybe he's just a socially incapable prick. Fact is, you don't actually want to be with him I don't think so why be bothered what he thinks?

crossroads3 · 13/09/2016 05:44

Agree with MrsTerryPratchett.

And the wanking thing is just gross.

Run for the hills OP. Don't be my friend who has spent years telling me how much she doesn't love her husband (whom she is more or less trapped with) and how she doesn't know why she kissed him the first time (something about not wanting to lose his friendship).

takesnoprisoners · 13/09/2016 05:46

Why would you get drunk on a 1st date with a guy you may not know very well? Things could have gone horribly wrong. Of course he is an idiot but You are no better, I am afraid.

Spring2016 · 13/09/2016 05:55

Yes, I agree, run for the hills. He doesn't sound like a prize.

Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 06:02

You went on a 4th date with him (so he's going to think you like him!) you say it was going well and you really gelled early in the evening. You kissed him (he's supposed to know that was reluctant?)
He said he could see the two of you in a relationship.

I'll take a punt and say that if you had actually liked him, then today you'd be perfectly happy about him saying that 'grandly' - probably all pleased to have met so met someone who doesn't play games and just says what they feel.

He's an arsehole for being pushy about sex.

But you need to stop drinking on dates - and you in fact I'd say you need to stop dating until you are able to say to a man coming to your home if you don't want it. You keep saying he's immature but you don't sound mature yourself.

You need to work out why you kissed someone to keep them happy - and don't date until you've done that.

MapleandPear · 13/09/2016 06:03

I think some people here have never been young, foolish and lacking assertiveness. Don't feel bad, OP, you can do much better, just move on.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/09/2016 06:11

You think he's not a player?

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/09/2016 06:17

I think there's plenty to reflect on in this situation, and learn for next time.

Bottom line - this guy is a dick, and need to be shelved and forgotten.

Flowers