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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DH i dont want his parents here at christmas even though it's partially arranged

73 replies

Nativitylobster · 12/09/2016 23:09

I've posted on here a lot about MIL and she is just getting worse and worse. Her health is failing and i understand thats hard for her but she makes our lives difficult and now she's all set to ruin christmas and as ds1 will be 3 it's the first one he is going to really understand and be excited about so I don't want it ruined.

I'll try and keep this brief but a little background.

MIL is crap with money she spends it all on rubbish and then asks to borrow money from is even though we are barely scrapping by. It used to cause a lot of arguments between me and dh until he started saying no to her.

She was awful to dh as a child, I won't go into detail but the way she treated her kids i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I've had to teach dh some basic life skills because he was never taught as a boy. Non of her other children are in touch wothbhwr because of the way they were treated.

My gran died last month and first thing MIL asked when dh told her was how much did she leave you in her will?

MIL tries to control dh and gets in moods of he doesn't do what she thinks he should do.

There is much more than this but this is just a basic background. I really can't stand her atm. Recently she told us she couldn't come to visit at christmas because she couldn't have her medical treatment at the hospital near to us. I was secretly happy as I don't want to see her. Then the other day she let it slip that she had made that up so they could come and suprise us. They expected to stay at my parents without asking or arranging it first. My parents are civil to her for the sake of dh but they don't like her. Her behaviour is effecting mine and dhs relationship as he can't see how toxic she is and sticks up for Her and gets cross with me when I moan about her etc. I really don't want to spend christmas with her. I think she will ruin what should be a really magical Christmas. I want to tell dh i dont want her here but I feel like a heartless birch especially as she may only have a few years left. AIBU to tell pil not to come.

(I don't have a problem with FIL but he does enable her crazy behaviour.)

OP posts:

EdithBouvierBeale · 26/09/2016 21:43

Good for you

justilou · 26/09/2016 22:26

Good work, OP! She sounds like my mother. There is no point expecting reason. Establish boundaries (which will probably be ignored and/or penetrated) and do what works for you and your kid. Your husband will probably go along with you as that makes his life happier and easier

Cherrysoup · 26/09/2016 22:34

Just make sure your parents are on board with saying they can't accommodate her. It never ceases to amaze me that the two sets of parents have each others' numbers: just why?!

Thinkingblonde · 27/09/2016 08:31

I don't think it's all that unusual to have contact details of my daughters in laws, I have two daughters and have the numbers for all of the in laws and they have mine.

brodchengretchen · 27/09/2016 08:51

YY to just saying No. Don't offer any excuses because that would dilute your effectiveness in quite reasonably denying MIL what she wants. She sounds like a leech.

CoraPirbright · 27/09/2016 09:28

Well done you and don't feel like a bitch! If she had been a good mum and a nice mil then this would have never been a problem. She is reaping what she has sown.

She sounds utterly ghastly. How thick (or thick skinned?) do you have to be to make the assumption that because you have stayed somewhere once, you can just rock up as-and-when with no notice or no invitation? Makes me shudder tbh.

a8mint · 27/09/2016 09:38

How would you like it if your dh decreed your DM couldn't visit?

Original poster

Nativitylobster · 27/09/2016 09:46

Thank you. I have to keep telling myself I need to draw the line somewhere. I've asked dh to speak with mil today. He's stalling obviously but he said he will. He was really upset this morning saying he felt divided. I've made it clear to him that fil is still welcome at the birthday party and at christmas.

OP posts:

myfavouritecolourispurple · 27/09/2016 11:08

Gosh Christmas is so stressful.

OP, do what you want to do. Not what your DH thinks you should do.

My in-laws did once accommodate my father at Christmas, but we did ask them first! He didn't invite himself!

Original poster

Nativitylobster · 27/09/2016 15:01

Mil is fucking insane. Dh rang her to say she needs to pull her shit together or shes not welcome here anymore and she screamed at him and said she hasn't done anything wrong and he was an ungrateful son etc and then hung up on him. A few hours later she rang back and left a msg saying that if we wanted to be closer to them a house has come up for rent just behind theirs. I mean wtaf is this woman on? We say we are cutting contact and she takes that to mean we want to move to the other end of the country to live directly behind her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nativitylobster · 27/09/2016 15:24

Mint i missed your comment. I don't think thats entirely fair. My parents don't make our lives hell. And like I said i haven't got a problem with FIL visting and I don't want to stop mil from coming either but I cannot cope with the way she treats us anymore.

OP posts:

user1474128210 · 27/09/2016 15:42

Your mother in law sounds just like mine. My advice - just do what you want and avoid her as much as possible. Your dh is quite right to talk to her about other people's needs and feelings - but if he lets her do what she wants now because she suddenly suffers amnesia that will not help (in my experience). Some people do tend to use others guilt and social embarrassment to get their own way......

TheJediSmurf · 27/09/2016 15:56

Christmases with the in laws - joy! (Unless you like them) [santa]

a8mint · 29/09/2016 08:45

If this were the other way round there would be cries of the dh being controlling and abusive

redshoeblueshoe · 29/09/2016 09:07

a8 its the Mil who is controlling and abusive. But that's OK as she has already lost most of her DC, and she is managing to alienate the OP's DH all by herself.

MimiSunshine · 29/09/2016 09:13

I know this situation has moved on a bit but no one calls their sons in laws and asks to come for Christmas that's just bonkers.
The sons in laws may well invite them but to presume is weird.

As for the current situation, I think you need to sit down with DH and say calmly that you can't cope with MIL behaviour anymore, list three things she's said / done recently that's been hurtful and remind him that it's tip of the iceberg.

That she can't just lie about not being available for Christmas and then expect to turn up to your parents anyway and you really need an apology before you can move on

WhisperingWind · 29/09/2016 09:16

It's very hard for someone to be caught between their partner and their mother, despite what their mother is like. No matter how much your partner loves you I can't imagine it will feel right to him to turn away his mother, who is in ailing health, from Christmas Day. In my family that would never be done.

I would try and find a way where MIL could come but there would be boundaries in place to save my sanity. (Eg. Only staying two nights with my parents if they have room.)

Your MIL sounds a nightmare, but I wouldn't ask my DH to turn away his ill mother at Christmas it would cause too much resentment and upset.

furryminkymoo · 29/09/2016 09:57

I have gone back over the thread MIL and FIL still married? you can't really invite one without the other to Christmas and Children's birthday parties?

When I read this a few weeks ago I thought that the easiest response would be that your "parents can't accommodate them sorry". Why did you let it get as far as them calling your parents?

Your MIL seems blissfully unaware or refusing to admit that there is bad feeling and probably assumes (wrongly) that she is always welcome around at her sons house.

You are still smarting over the comment about your Grans will, understandable that you are hurt by this comment but she seems so thick skinned and lacking in emotionally maturity that you are unlikely to get an apology.

I really don't know what to suggest, your husband has had a rough time, families are difficult with so many different dynamics and personalities, you can't just expect everyone to be like your own parents.

Can you have them stay at yours a couple of days around Christmas? before, in between Christmas and New Year, or New Year? then you can have your Christmas with your parents? My parents broke up when I was young and every year I juggle dates to keep everyone happy.

I feel sorry for your DH tbh, his parents are the only ones that he has ever had.

Original poster

Nativitylobster · 29/09/2016 13:13

After a long discussion with dh I've agreed that is mil is willing to acknowledge that I was hurt (not even and apology just an acknowledgement of my feelings). I will be willing to move past this, with the understanding that mil needs to be a bit more thoughtful to everyone. However dh arranged for mil to ring me this morning while ds1 was at playgroup so I could talk to get with no distractions. She didnt ring so I rang her, there was no answer so i left a msg and I've not heard anything back. I'm sure it's a mind game.

DH is struggling with being in the middle and I hate putting him in that position but tbh is my parents had done half the things mil had done I would have gone nc with them.

I honestly want to resolve this wihout cutting them out of our lives but I need some input from them too.

OP posts:

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 29/09/2016 13:17

You haven't put your DH in the middle. He has done that himself by not sticking up for you.

redshoeblueshoe · 29/09/2016 17:46

She is playing mind games. I'd say to DH she had her chance and she blew it We had this, and the worst thing was my DH not seeing what was happening. Good luck.

Thinkingblonde · 30/09/2016 09:40

Don't ring her, the ball is in her court now. Could your FIL speak to her, tell her to treat you with more respect.
As your DC grow older there will probably come a time when you will want to stay home at Christmas, make your own traditions. The DC will want to stay and play with their new toys.

VimFuego101 · 30/09/2016 09:47

I think your DH is being quite disrespectful to your parents in leaving it to them to tell MIL she can't stay - he should be the one dealing with it. He's putting them in a very awkward situation, she was being very unreasonable to assume she could stay in the first place.

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