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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH i dont want his parents here at christmas even though it's partially arranged

73 replies

Nativitylobster · 12/09/2016 23:09

I've posted on here a lot about MIL and she is just getting worse and worse. Her health is failing and i understand thats hard for her but she makes our lives difficult and now she's all set to ruin christmas and as ds1 will be 3 it's the first one he is going to really understand and be excited about so I don't want it ruined.

I'll try and keep this brief but a little background.

MIL is crap with money she spends it all on rubbish and then asks to borrow money from is even though we are barely scrapping by. It used to cause a lot of arguments between me and dh until he started saying no to her.

She was awful to dh as a child, I won't go into detail but the way she treated her kids i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I've had to teach dh some basic life skills because he was never taught as a boy. Non of her other children are in touch wothbhwr because of the way they were treated.

My gran died last month and first thing MIL asked when dh told her was how much did she leave you in her will?

MIL tries to control dh and gets in moods of he doesn't do what she thinks he should do.

There is much more than this but this is just a basic background. I really can't stand her atm. Recently she told us she couldn't come to visit at christmas because she couldn't have her medical treatment at the hospital near to us. I was secretly happy as I don't want to see her. Then the other day she let it slip that she had made that up so they could come and suprise us. They expected to stay at my parents without asking or arranging it first. My parents are civil to her for the sake of dh but they don't like her. Her behaviour is effecting mine and dhs relationship as he can't see how toxic she is and sticks up for Her and gets cross with me when I moan about her etc. I really don't want to spend christmas with her. I think she will ruin what should be a really magical Christmas. I want to tell dh i dont want her here but I feel like a heartless birch especially as she may only have a few years left. AIBU to tell pil not to come.

(I don't have a problem with FIL but he does enable her crazy behaviour.)

OP posts:
diddl · 13/09/2016 08:18

Obviously MIL can't just invite herself to your parents.

How does your husband get on with her & your parents?

Does he want to see her over Christmas?

Is he OK with spending "the first Christmas that your son will understand" with your parents?

TallulahTheTiger · 13/09/2016 08:24

I never get why people say it's only one day or that it's mean to not allow family to do things like this. Why's the focus never on the rudeness of the first party in their steamrolling demands?!

MeridianB · 13/09/2016 08:31

In normal families it is accepted/polite to alternate Christmases. But his is not a normal situation.

"How far is DH away from realising he is in the FOG?"

This

Protect your DC (and yourself and your parents) from her attempts at dictatorship.

Will MIL be alone for Christmas? What has happened in previous years? Could you visit her a few days after?

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/09/2016 08:46

Is your DH's father alive and if so, is he with MIL?

Does your DH have siblings, that MIL could spend Christmas with?

Fluffyears · 13/09/2016 08:58

Get it sorted out soon or you'll end up stuck with pil in the day.

Gazelda · 13/09/2016 08:59

I think you need to have. Frank conversation with DH about how the 3 of you will spend Christmas going forward, ie not just this year. Otherwise you'll find this same situation every year and it'll get harder each time.

To be fair to your DH and to your PIL, I think you both should agree to alternate, have your day at home with your DS or bite the bullet and go NC with MIL.

It isn't fair on your DH to put them off this year and then think of a different excuse next year and the next.

Original poster
Nativitylobster · 13/09/2016 09:03

Dh 's siblings don't see MIL. They figured her out a long time ago unfortunately because dh stands by his mum he doesn't see them. Dh has a different dad, he's fils only child which I think is one of the reasons he keeps seeing them. Pil are still together. Fil is ok I don't really have a problem with him, he can sometimes do things we don't really like but it's all through trying to help etc whereas MIL does what's best for her. Dh gets on really well with my parents. He has said several times that it's nice to have a nice normal family who love and care for him. Dh loves christmas with my parents but we lways discuss what we are going to do and make a joint decission. He's been very quiet about this year tho so I'm not sure where he stands on the issue. I wish he would see how bad mil is to him.

OP posts:
MsJudgemental · 13/09/2016 09:13

My mother is toxic and controlling and my mil is lazy, apathetic and self-centred. After years of ruined Christmasses we decided to spend it just the 3 of us doing what WE wanted. We no longer see my mother after years of ruined summer holidays. Tell them firmly you, and especially your parents, have other plans and maybe see them Boxing Day. Tell your dh to man up- he has his own family now.

MillionToOneChances · 13/09/2016 09:36

They have absolutely no right to just assume they can come to your parents' with you. Nip it in the bud.

CurlyMango · 13/09/2016 20:25

Bloody christmas' are a challenge. It's easy to get set into alternates, but I think you should say and aThe very least attempt to do want you want. Hugs

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/09/2016 20:47

You don't owe her anything. Say no, not happening. You do not have to suck this up for one day. It's my favourite day of the year. I would not spend it with someone like this, no matter who they are.

I also don't go for this 'you have to alternate' um, no you don't. Have the Christmas you want.

OddSocksDontMatch · 15/09/2016 23:32

In your shoes I would just say you're going to your parents for the day. You will feel so much better once you've told her.

Original poster
Nativitylobster · 18/09/2016 05:26

Sorry I disappeared! Dh rung mil on Friday and asked if they had actually arranged anything with my parents of if they were just assuming they could come. Mil said she would ring my parents and confirm. Dh said ring them tonite as they are going away early tomorrow (saturday). Last night he got a call from mil saying she had tried to ring that morning (saturday) but no one had answered. I swear she does it on purpose. So we are no closer to getting anything resolved.

OP posts:
DeusExDomina · 18/09/2016 06:59

Just say no!

rollonthesummer · 18/09/2016 07:45

That's not really fair of your DH to leave the conversation like that. Why is it now up to your parents to be the mean ones? They shouldn't be put in that horribly awkward position.

Have you told your parents what they're going to be asked?

NeedACostaDetox · 18/09/2016 07:46

Not fair of him to put the pressure of saying no onto your parents (unless they have volunteered to do so). Surely he can ring his mum and say your parents can't put any other guests up, but you'll come up and see them on Boxing day or whatever?

You can stay in a cheap Premier Inn or similar so you don't have to stay with them or suggest a day out half way so you're not on home turf for anyone.

You don't have a MIL problem but a DH problem.

allnewredfairy · 18/09/2016 08:05

Your DH has basically inferred that Christmas is OK by him as long as your DParents agree. This is cowardly and shifts the entire responsibility of refusing onto your parents.
Either you or your DP need to be the big bad wolf and say No! It doesn't sound like your DP has the balls so it's down to you.

Penfold007 · 18/09/2016 08:22

You and your H need to take control. He has now implied that their coming for Christmas is acceptable. This is unfair on everybody and especially disrespectful to your parents. One of you but preferably him needs to take control and say no.

Hissy · 18/09/2016 10:47

You've just given her the green light from you!!

The ONLY way of solving this now is to say that you have spoken to your parents and they have said they have already made plans for Christmas, so sadly won't be able to accommodate her.

YOU can actually call her yourself and tell her this. All your h has to do is nod sympathetically

MrsBobDylan · 18/09/2016 10:56

You need to take hold of this situation. You and dh are not actually voicing what you want and unless you say 'no, we won't be seeing you at Christmas' then you will be. It's also not very fair to pass the buck for saying no on to your parents.

Original poster
Nativitylobster · 26/09/2016 21:28

I'm back. I've finally put my foot down. After the comment about the will Mil has never apologised (it's been a month) even though dh told her that I was hurt and it's slowly been eating at me. Today I got a txt msg from her and all it said was "get (dh) to ring me". That was all, no how are you etc etc. I feel like I'm nothing to her, I snapped and told dh that she is not welcome at ds1s 3rd birthday party (3 weeks time) and she wasn't welcome at christmas, unless she apologised and actually started treating us decently. I feel awful for saying it and for putting dh in a tough position, but I really don't want her there and potentially ruining ds1s special day or ruining christmas. I feel like a right bitch.

OP posts:
Bearfrills · 26/09/2016 21:32

You're not a bitch, you're standing up for yourself. She's a bully.

Mycraneisfixed · 26/09/2016 21:37

Spend Christmas with your parents and tell him he can spend it with his parents.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/09/2016 21:37

You are not the bitch here. The sooner you start standing up for yourself the better. The more of a doormat you are, the more she'll walk all over you and treat you like nothing because you let her get away with it.

altiara · 26/09/2016 21:39

OP read your original post - you are not a bitch! Focus on giving DS the life you want him to have and if that means getting rid of people that don't treat you right then do it Wine

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