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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Caught in the act

56 replies

SecretAriel · 12/09/2016 11:32

Ds (6) caught us having sex this morning. I was flustered and embarrassed at the time. He thought something was wrong and was worried. I just told him we were cuddling and let him watch tv before breakfast as a distraction (usually a nono as it distracts so much I struggle to get him ready for school). He seems to have forgotten all about it and believed the cuddling explanation. However dh can't stop worrying about it. He says he remembers catching his dm and df when he was about that age and his df getting very angry about him walking in. Says its a terrible memory and he doesn't want that for our ds. AIBU to be so blasé? Did i do the right thing with the cuddling lie? Feel he is too young for more in depth explanation and too old to believe that we were playing. Dh starting to annoy me with the way he is making a drama of it all, and he says i am uncaring and burying my head in the sand and that ds will be emotionally scarred

OP posts:

claraschu · 12/09/2016 13:01

Much better to have parents who have sex than parents who don't. Don't worry about it.

ktfs · 12/09/2016 13:04

dd was 9......new house....no upstairs doors....not 100% sure how long we had an audience as we were both facing away from the door.... explaination.....play fighting......never mentioned again......doors promptly hung and locks installed!!!!!

Cherylene · 12/09/2016 13:10

At some point, you need to encourage knocking on bedroom doors before entering. Not entirely fool proof, but it works both ways.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/09/2016 13:13

I'm sure your DS will be fine, assuming he did not walk in with you wearing a strap on and gimp mask while your DH was tied up with a ball gag in his mouth it will be forgotten soon enough.

itstimeforchange · 12/09/2016 13:14

We've been walked in on a few times because DH is useless at getting round to fitting locks etc. Also our younger children worry when the door is locked and hate it. It's all been under the blankets and we stop moving as soon as we hear/see the door and just say we're cuddling, which we are, and never been questioned. 6 y/o doesn't come in really, mostly just the twins at 4 y/o asking where some toy is. Need to get onto DH though.

But I think blase is the way to go! Get your locks sorted!

charlestonchaplin · 12/09/2016 13:14

Let's hope you aren't so careless generally. If it happens too often it can be construed as sexual abuse, particularly if your son decides to 'cuddle' his school friends in the same way.

rackhampearl · 12/09/2016 13:17

He's overanalysing. DD was 3 when she sneaked in on us. She said 'Mummy!!! Why are you shaking Daddy about?' I just hurried her to her bedroom, composed myself then did some arts and crafts with her that did to check she was ok. I just said we were 'ticklingm ' eachother. She bought it, never mentioned it since. Things like this happen. He's making a mountain out of a mole hill. Tell him to let it rest now and all will be fine.

timelytess · 12/09/2016 13:19

Whole families used to live in one room. Multiple children. How do you think they got them? Knowing your parents have sex doesn't have to be traumatising, nor does it have to be considered abuse.

OP, you said the right thing under the circumstances.

Somerville · 12/09/2016 13:23

Deliberately exposing a child to sexual acts by encouraging them to watch is sexual abuse.

This isn't what has happened here.

Branleuse · 12/09/2016 13:26

i walked in on my mum and stepdad having sex before. I wasnt traumatised. They just told me they were having a cuddle and i just walked out.

I think ive been caught out by 2 of my kids at different times, and its never mentioned since so hopefully they wont need therapy.

Happybunny19 · 12/09/2016 13:31

We were also caught on Saturday night by dd1, who's 8. She couldn't sleep so I just got up and put her back to bed (bit awkward for himself to go iykwim). It took a little while to get back to it after she apologized for interrupting our "cuddle". We found it really funny, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm sure she'll cringe at the memory in a few years but I don't think it will scar her.

Also, kudos for Monday morning. I will definitely be showing this to oh later

charlestonchaplin · 12/09/2016 13:34

A lack of appropriate boundaries so that children are exposed to scenes they don't understand and can seem traumatic is also considered sexual abuse. It's generally not hard to stop children seeing all the sights and sounds so if you don't take steps, why not? It could and has been considered neglectful if it happens regularly enough for it to come to the attention of an external agency such as a school.

Life is very different for children nowadays, tess. In some ways it is arguably a lot more gentle. Children in the past were probably more exposed to animal copulation and births so perhaps sex wasn't that much of a shock. And maybe in modern times people are more adventurous and vocal in a (supposedly) private bedroom than they would be if their children were sleeping not very far away.

misscph1973 · 12/09/2016 13:36

Badtaste, I do have sex with my husband. But I make sure that DCs are either not home (we both work from home, and both enjoy the perks that gives) or asleep, and that the door is locked.

Outtaker · 12/09/2016 15:40

Another one who's at Monday morning... Clearly I'm doing something wrong!

mummytofourbabies · 12/09/2016 16:58

Wondered how long it would take someone to pull the sexual abuse card..but really??

As pp said sexual abuse is deliberately introducing a child to a sexual act, them walking in on accident is hardly even close to sexual abuse! That's ridiculous.

DancingOnMyOwn · 12/09/2016 17:20

Ffs a child accidently walking in on their parents having sex is not sexual abuse! I am sick of hearing shit like that when real sexual abuse goes unnoticed and unpunished in most cases.
Don't worry OP, my kids have walked in a few times and I say the same as you did.

timelytess · 12/09/2016 17:54

Life is very different for children nowadays, tess
But they remain human beings, and they inherit in their genes an expectation that the adults around them will have sex.

Original poster

SecretAriel · 12/09/2016 20:57

Thanks to all posters who said I done the right thing, as I say I can be quite laid back so good to get confirmation I reacted in most appropriate way. To those who say sexual abuse -no its not its really really not. Firstly sex is natural, we (nearly) all do it. We are careful it was early morning when he is usually still asleep but he has a bit of a cold so obviously sleeping lighter. But children live with adults. Adults in loving relationships have sex. Even if your careful you may get caught out. In our case we never get the house to ourselves, we have no close relatives nearby that kids could have a sleepover with. So should we just abstain? My post was to see if I acted in the best way, as dh had me doubting myself. My feelings are that my ds is innocent, so innocent that he believed my cuddle lie. I love his innocence and am in no hurry to sully it.
Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:

ktfs · 12/09/2016 20:59

Child abuse???? Don't be ridiculous.

cazz24 · 13/09/2016 22:38

I know this is supposed to be a serious thread but all I can think of is the flora buttery wrestlers advert :)

Hateloggingin · 13/09/2016 22:44

Sexual abuse?? Jesus Christ

Op - you said the right thing :)

Boundaries · 13/09/2016 22:57

Life is very different for children nowadays, tess. In some ways it is arguably a lot more gentle. Children in the past were probably more exposed to animal copulation and births so perhaps sex wasn't that much of a shock.

Err. This is utter bollocks. There is an absolute wealth of extremely hard core porn within 3 clicks of any computer, tablet or smartphone. Access to porn is rife amongst children. As is access to overly sexualised music videos etc.

A very brief exposure to parents having a "cuddle" is unlikely to rival all of that. Whilst of course any deliberate exposure to sexual activity is a CP issue, anything that puts sex in the context of a loving relationship might act as a bit of a counterbalance. Even if it later opens a conversation.

Boundaries · 13/09/2016 22:57

..which allows you to discuss the emotional aspects of sex with your child.

WhateverWillBe · 13/09/2016 23:00

We were caught by 8 year old ds1 a few months back.

I heard him get out of bed at speed and he came racing into our room going 'Mum what's wrong?!? You sound like you're in pain, are you OK?'

I told him i'd been having a nightmare, he seemed pretty satisfied with that explanation!

And to the pp mentioning abuse - pull the other one. Hardly relevant to this thread is it?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2016 23:27

We had the same thing and I said cuddling too. Worked for us, bet it works for OP.

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