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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still resent my sister-in-law for hijacking my pregnancy?

50 replies

SnoozyMamma · 11/09/2016 23:04

So here's the thing, my sister-in-law is hard work. I tried really hard to bond with her and one day she asked when I planned to have kids. Being the open and honest (stupid and naive) sort, I told her we planned to start trying in a few months time. She said she was focusing on her career and wouldn't be trying for a few years.

So the time came round and after a few months of no success I was getting a bit upset. Imagine the hurt when we got a call to say she was pregnant and it was first time lucky!

I got pregnant 2 months later but she ruined the whole thing for me, putting me down for being less pregnant (is that even a thing?!) and rubbishing any new experiences or phases. The phrase 'oh when I felt/heard/saw/did that 2 months ago...' Became a regular.

The babies are now 13 months and 11 months and it's still continuing. Their baby must be the centre of attention all the time and doing everything better than mine (even if she's not), and my boy is getting pushed out by his grandparents because if it. I feel so sad for him to always be second best in their eyes 😢

OP posts:

PlaymobilPirate · 11/09/2016 23:06

You're being ridiculous- it's not a competition

blinkowl · 11/09/2016 23:08

OK, your SIL sounds nuts. But why are the ILs pushing your DS out because of it?

How about arranging to see them without her?

Cookingongas · 11/09/2016 23:09

Yabu. You're in laws favouring her child is their fault not hers. You're making competition- stop. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say.

LittleBoat · 11/09/2016 23:09

Stop spending time with her. But I think you also might be being a little oversensitive.

paxillin · 11/09/2016 23:10

It won't matter in a year's time. They will be the same age from then on. Concentrate on enjoying your baby. She didn't have a baby to spite you. She had a baby because she wanted one, same as you.

Pinkheart5915 · 11/09/2016 23:11

It's not a competition

Lalunya85 · 11/09/2016 23:13

She ruined your pregnancy for you?? Wow. Why does she have so much influence on how you feel? I think you need to work on that and get some distance from her, emotionally.

And maybe your husband can have a chat to his parents about favoritism. Does he see it that way too?

Please just try and focus on your sweet little boy. I bet he's amazing. Enjoy him.

Sparklesilverglitter · 11/09/2016 23:13

It's not a competition.

Once the DC are roughly at the same stage as pp says in a year or so, it won't matter anyway

DeathStare · 11/09/2016 23:14

She can only make it a competition if you let her. Just smile and ignore any competitive comments.

JenLindleyShitMom · 11/09/2016 23:15

My sister is 2 months younger than my cousin and my mum had a real chip on her shoulder about it. She felt that there was a competition and that DAunt was always making her DD out to be better than Dsis. IMO this wasn't the case but my mum was constantly making comments about DSis not being outshone by cousin and how she wouldn't let her be overshadowed. It was so bad for my sister's self confidence because she believed what my mum was saying and it created a really horrible jealousy of my cousin that has lasted into adulthood. It's quite sad actually because we were all close as children until this shit got absorbed.

JenLindleyShitMom · 11/09/2016 23:16

My point being, if you don't stop this shite your child will be the one to suffer. So err, grow up.

BWatchWatcher · 11/09/2016 23:18

Ha.
I know a bit about what that's like. My sil was 6 weeks ahead of me and the comparisons were abound.
I disengaged. Just don't be there when she is.
Once the children are up and running showing what different people they are the comparisons will slow and you'll have the delight of a cousin close in age for your child to play with.

CruCru · 11/09/2016 23:18

Hmm. I understand why this would upset you.

I think the issue is rather that she has managed to get under your skin and perhaps this is colouring all your interactions with her and the rest of the family.

It's time to stop sharing with her. Be breezy - let her mention her child first. When she does, say "Gosh, that's great" and nothing else.

Let others ask about your child. If she jumps in to announce that her child is already doing xyz, then smile blandly and say "Yes, you said / How nice etc".

Your children will end up being very different people, with their own qualities. It's worth putting a stop to any competition (real or perceived) early on or you'll be doing that thing where you compare book bands / GCSE results / university offers etc. which is madness.

LucyBabs · 11/09/2016 23:20

I see where you're coming from snoozy
I have a friend whose 2 sils critisied my friend about how big she was during pregnancy and then how big her babies were. They are both slim and had small babies. They couldn't understand how my friend ended up needing a c section! She felt awful pressure to lose the baby weight with them breathing down her neck.
Thankfully she has managed to zone the out, she only sees them if absolutely nessesary and she had a word with her pils about the treatment of her dc.

You need to stand up for yourself and ignore your SIL as much as possible

HeddaGarbled · 11/09/2016 23:58

You are being utterly ridiculous. You actually think that your SIL got pregnant before you to spite you? I shouldn't think that she was thinking about you at all when she conceived!

If (and I'm not sure that I believe you) your in laws are favouring her child above yours that's not because of anything she says about her child being better than yours. It's either because she has a better relationship with them and sees them more often than you and your H do or because they are twats.

If you don't like her, don't see so much of her. But you were unreasonable to see her pregnancy as a personal attack on you, to accuse her of "hijacking your pregnancy" and to have harboured this grudge for so long. You didn't get first dibs on being pregnant just because you mentioned it first.

user1467393664 · 12/09/2016 00:01

I've been in a similar position with the comparisons. I think at a younger age milestones are coming thick and fast. Walking, first sentence etc... But when they hit around 3 they've done most things and start to show more their individual interests.
For example the child my DS is compared too is good at football, while my DS is a good singer and knows loads of songs.

I've taken to what a PP said. 1. Not engaging with that kind of conversation 2. If it does come up just say how great and move on, at one stage I did have to ask was this a competition? Who's child potty trained the earliest

user1467393664 · 12/09/2016 00:09

Oh and I think hijack was the wrong word to use, I'm not sure of the right one, but I get that any significant event in your pregnancy such a first kick was just met with a "been there done that" attitude not allowing you enjoy that event with her? Just guessing. Annoying as I hate that attitude from other people but it's her issue not yours.

Don't let it take away the joy of seeing your child growing up and if it were me I'd just give her a wide birth for awhile.

Amandahugandkisses · 12/09/2016 00:10

I feel you are reading too much into this I'm afraid.
She is not out to sabotage you. No one would have that much energy to deliberately get pg then try to outshine your PG and subsequent child. She may not be perfect but I suspect this is about you not her.

ImissGrannyW · 12/09/2016 00:16

agree with all the PPs, and also think these children have a fabulous opportunity to grow up friends AND relations, so don't sabotage that. Ignore your SIL when you think she's being nasty, and let your DC (hers and yours) shine.

WinchesterWoman · 12/09/2016 00:22

I do feel sorry for you. Next time she says her child is doing something say yours is already doing it. Say he's doing it at home but he's not a performing seal so you won't make him do it for other people. Do it every time. Beyond the point of rationality. Don't get cross, just say 'oh yes mine's doing that too' every single time. She'll stop, I promise

ollieplimsoles · 12/09/2016 00:27

See this scenario would please me no end- someone else to take the pressure and attention away from me so I can enjoy my pregnancy and baby without everyone else wanting a piece of it.

JenLindleyShitMom · 12/09/2016 00:34

I've just realised that DS2's cousin is 6 weeks older than him (ok I've not just realised, Ive always known! ) and it's such a non-issue I'd totally forgotten. Their grandparents definitely see more of cousin than DS2 but there is never any favouritism shown or comparisons made by them (and there would be plenty to say as DS is quite delayed in some aspects).

Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 00:39

My SIL and my sister were pg at the time as me. I loved it as we got to do pregnancy chat / moans together.

Huldra · 12/09/2016 07:37

Be careful not to read too much into situations and create something that doesn't yet exist.

She had no more control about when exactly she got pregnant than you, it may have been unplanned, or in the realm of not actively preventing pregnancy. I was pregnant at the same time as two of my sil's and some form of chat about who is experiencing what and when is normal and doesnt necessarily indicate competition. Same when they're babies and toddlers, it won't stop.

She may be engaging in completing normal sharing conversation and yu aare over sensitive or competitive yourself.
She may be a bit enraptured by her offspring and not giving you enough of a chance in conversations.
She may be a competitive nightmare.

There's nothing that you can do about any of them really, except not get worked up about it. Smile and carry on with your life.

Huldra · 12/09/2016 07:41

We all have teenagers now and try to hide their "milestones"

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