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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still resent my sister-in-law for hijacking my pregnancy?

50 replies

SnoozyMamma · 11/09/2016 23:04

So here's the thing, my sister-in-law is hard work. I tried really hard to bond with her and one day she asked when I planned to have kids. Being the open and honest (stupid and naive) sort, I told her we planned to start trying in a few months time. She said she was focusing on her career and wouldn't be trying for a few years.

So the time came round and after a few months of no success I was getting a bit upset. Imagine the hurt when we got a call to say she was pregnant and it was first time lucky!

I got pregnant 2 months later but she ruined the whole thing for me, putting me down for being less pregnant (is that even a thing?!) and rubbishing any new experiences or phases. The phrase 'oh when I felt/heard/saw/did that 2 months ago...' Became a regular.

The babies are now 13 months and 11 months and it's still continuing. Their baby must be the centre of attention all the time and doing everything better than mine (even if she's not), and my boy is getting pushed out by his grandparents because if it. I feel so sad for him to always be second best in their eyes 😢

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 12/09/2016 07:41

'Ruined the whole thing for me'

Do you need lots of attention? Seems a bit daft to me.

abbsismyhero · 12/09/2016 07:47

I know where your coming from I had my son my mils only bio grandchild her husbands son (not bio grandad) had a son too and the sun shone out of his arse they went and stayed with them bragged about him all the time he can ride a skateboard can yours? Was a regular war cry from her I was bemused by it all she has little or nothing to do with her grandsons now I wont allow my kids to feel bad for not being something they are not

runslikethewind · 12/09/2016 07:48

Some people are very good at turning things into a competition when it's not, they re very good at getting subtle little comments in all the time, but when challenged about it they turn in back on you and say your being sensitive. It only happens because they are insecure about what they are doing and feel the need to do this with out realising that over time these little comments start actually having an effect on the recipient and chipping away at them and their confidence.
Don't let this happen, let her get on with it, showing confidence in your child and your abilities and not responding to her should help you keep your sanity, she sounds like hard work, good luck.

Lweji · 12/09/2016 07:49

Of course we can't really comment on what's going on, as it's your point of view here, but, I'd take a long hard look at myself first, as detached as possible, and see who's making it into a competition.

It's quite possible that you are particularly sensitive and interpret it all as competitive.

To start with, she did experience things in pregnancy earlier. It's normal conversation to talk about your experiences and then listen to the other person's and exchange thoughts on it.
Did you use her experience to ask for advice?

As for the babies some people do become so enamoured with their own that they are too biased. You can too.

How do you think your boy is being pushed out?

CatThiefKeith · 12/09/2016 07:50

Look I the bright side. Her child will be one of the youngest in their school year, while yours will be one of the eldest.

Seriously though, just disengage. You can't compete with some who refuses to be in competition.

Practise your tinkly laugh and puzzled expression. And have stock phrases like 'they all develop at their own pace' and 'I'm sure it all evens out in the end' or 'but they're still babies' to go with the puzzled expression.

Children grow so quickly, please don't let this taint it for you

lilydaisyrose · 12/09/2016 07:58

My nephew (BIL & SIL's child) and my eldest daughter were born a couple of weeks apart - first grandchildren for my in laws. The pregnancy and baby comparisons drove me potty at the time (all relayed through my MIL as we don't see them much) and we had to speak to MIL a few times about not comparing them when it really upset us - but now they are 10 it's really not an issue. My nephew is way ahead of my daughter in lots of ways - maths, geography etc but he has Aspergers and a very enquiring mind so they are just very different characters.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/09/2016 08:01

I agree with cattheif try to rise above all the competitive parenting.
Your sil didn't invent pregnancy and isn't the first person to have a baby, although she may think so!

It would be lovely if your son could be close to his cousin and they could play together without a bitter atmosphere.

RaeSkywalker · 12/09/2016 08:02

Snoozy, do you honestly think that based on a quick chat with you, your SIL and her partner made a major life decision about starting a family? I'd be really surprised if this was the case. The fact that she asked you indicates that she was thinking about starting a family. Earlier this year, I was walking people that DC weren't on the cards for DH and I for a couple of years- I just didn't want to have a load of pressure if people knew we were trying. I'm 30 weeks pregnant now.

As for the competition now- I'd just smile and nod. Don't rise to it.

diddl · 12/09/2016 08:02

"and my boy is getting pushed out by his grandparents because if it. "

That's down to them though, not SIL.

RaeSkywalker · 12/09/2016 08:04

^ "telling people", not "walking people" 🙄

Sierra259 · 12/09/2016 08:05

I've been in a similar situation with comparisons too. My DC1 is 3.5 months younger than DN on my DH's side, and it felt like constant constant "L's doing this now" from my IL's whenever they came to see us. It didn't help that DN was a very chilled out and self-sufficient baby, whereas DC1 was much more demanding and grumpy.

Now I knew for a fact that my IL's didn't mean anything maliciously, but it still hurt DH and I at the time, even though we we probably being a bit oversensitive. They're now coming up to 4 and any differences are negligible, they each have their own strengths and DN turned into a nightmare toddler so you'll find everything balances out!

I know it's hard, but just try and ignore your SIL. All babies are different and will do different things at different speeds (I can now say this after seeing how different DC2 is!). A 2 month gap is huge at that age in terms of development.

Lweji · 12/09/2016 08:05

The pregnancy and baby comparisons drove me potty at the time (all relayed through my MIL as we don't see them much)

I felt like this at some point, but realised it was because we were away from my mum. She saw my nephews every day and told me things about them.
Ultimately, I think it's fairly normal, and it's quite possible that the BIL/SILs feel similar when they are told about ours.

Really no need for competition.

It's just natural for people to praise their young and be proud of them.

Amelie10 · 12/09/2016 08:07

You sound stupidly immature and competitive. So she ruined your pregnancy? The baby that you had, that was all ruined? Honestly get a grip. Address the other issues with your pil but you are the actual sil problem not your sil.

skippy67 · 12/09/2016 08:11

You need to grow up, and focus on your family. "Hijacked" your pregnancy?? FFS.

pictish · 12/09/2016 08:11

There's no way she could get ensure getting pregnant before you to purposefully steal your thunder...her being pg did not ruin the whole thing for you. Get a grip. There will always be someone ahead of you in a pgcy who will relate to your current symptoms.

Something tells me that you're a jealous, competitive person who sees offence where there isn't any. Of course I could be wrong about that but you do sound a bit nuts about this.

Feelingkenty · 12/09/2016 08:18

OP I do know how you feel - I remain convinced my SIL got pregnant with her second child (after swearing black and blue she was only ever having one child) just to make sure the attention stayed on her (she has a real need to be my PILs focus - never mind the fact we live a 5 hour flight away).

I was definitely upset about it at the time but now I just don't let it worry me. My DC is the apple of my parents eye (we're a 7 hour flight from them) and I just accept my SIL will always push her children to my PIL. However I am sure she is trying to get FIL to pay for her DCs schooling (independent school) in which case I will be pushing DH to get the same for our DC!

ApocalypseNowt · 12/09/2016 08:19

The thing is it's kind of natural to talk about your own experiences if someone else brings something up isn't it?

If my friends was talking about weaning her baby I might say "when we were weaning DD did this....". Seems like a natural sort of conversation?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 12/09/2016 08:19

I'm sure she only went and got herself up the duff so she could ruin out pregnancy.

Lweji · 12/09/2016 08:24

I remain convinced my SIL got pregnant with her second child (after swearing black and blue she was only ever having one child) just to make sure the attention stayed on her

Oh, dear.
Why would anyone go through pregnancy, labour, sleepless nights, just to keep attention focused on them? All the money you have to spend as well.

It's the complainers that feel competitive and wanting the attention on them.

Feelingkenty · 12/09/2016 08:47

Lweji

Obviously you'd be surprised that some people would do this and more to remain the centre of attention and this is how I felt (and I wouldn't consider myself a complainer always wanting attention on me - otherwise I wouldn't live so bloody far away from family). It's ok now and I was sharing with the OP but thank you for pissing on me

googietheegg · 12/09/2016 08:50

I think if someone hasn't experienced a 'been there, done that' person close to them it's hard to appreciate just how fucking annoying it is, especially when it's a vulnerable time (being pregnant, having a new baby)

My mil was like this (even though she'd been pregnant 40 years before me!!) and every single conversation was brought back to her throughout my whole pregnancy. It continued while my DD was young as I hadn't identified it, and I almost didn't believe it could keep being 'a mistake'. But when I realised how shit she made me feel and how it was no mistake, I couldn't really stand being in her company any more. It has made life difficult but it's still easier than spending time with her.

Lweji · 12/09/2016 08:50

I understand that people do get those feelings. I get them too. But, surely, at some point we realise that we are being unreasonable and don't dwell on them.

MyWineTime · 12/09/2016 09:01

I remain convinced my SIL got pregnant with her second child (after swearing black and blue she was only ever having one child) just to make sure the attention stayed on her
Even if this is true (which I doubt), so what?
You seem to be seeking the same level of attention that you are complaining about her getting!

paxillin · 12/09/2016 09:04

I think we've all felt a bit like it at times. An interminable pregnancy, a protracted labour, then back to the school run. Others peek and coo, but move on swiftly to their own little Johnny's BMX talents.

There will be times when her baby is tantrum prone and difficult to be around whilst yours is a lovely, granny proof cherub and vice versa.

Arseicle · 12/09/2016 09:12

You're paranoid, the things you say she said are normal things to say.

It's not her, its you.

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