To have run out of sympathy for "infertile" SIL

[Mouthofmisery]

My sil has one healthy, intelligent fun child. This was with a sperm donor. Before this she was unable to see people who were pregnant or had children and broke up friendships with many people including my other brother and his family. My brothers no longer have a relationship really as she refuses to see them.
12 years on I have 2 children. Child 1 Has multiple complications due to birth defect and will never live independently. Took us a long time to accept but We have and are very content with our life and her life expectancy. I am now pregnant with 3rd baby. Undergone lots of tests and am being monitored closely. SIL has once again told me I have made her very sad, destroyed my brother and has made what should be a happy occasion for my parents an awkward and difficult situation.
AIBU to think that 1) she has a healthy child and should be bloody grateful for that. 2) it is her destroying my brother as its her reactions which are so unpleasant and isolating for them and 3) to think she should keep her views to herself.! I am really cross but not surprised she said this to me and in the past I would have felt guilty. It's 12 years now!! She needs to learn to accept that life isn't straightforward and nothing is as you want it.
I try to empathise but now I just think grow up and get over it. Some people have no children and some people have problems so unfair and complicated that not being able to have a 2nd child is so
Minimal in the grand scheme of things.
I expect some (infertile) people will flame me but really, everyone has problems, to me where I am being unable to have a 2 no child is not the worst problem in the world. I am out of sympathy.

Yanbu

I'd crack on as normal and all stop enabling this crap

I'd her audience diminishes it will do her good

She's a nasty woman, dont blame you for not having sympathy for her. That excuse ran dry a long time ago, it's 12 years she can't keep dragging that one still!
Yanbu, don't pander to her. If she wants to be a twat then ignore her.

I'm going to guess that if it wasn't fertility issues she was using to focus attention on herself and isolate your brother then it would be something else.
Infertility is shit, and of course you have pangs of sadness and moments of difficulty around other people's pregnancies and children. You cover them up because other people are entitled to their happiness. And actually, ime, it's unusual for someone who has suffered primary infertility to not primarily feel grateful after having one child. After we finally had a child it never occurred to me to be jealous that other people had more, I was too busy being delighted with our one!

'If' not I'd

I'm going to guess that if it wasn't fertility issues she was using to focus attention on herself and isolate your brother then it would be something else yep these type of people always have something some one else is doing is the reason for their behavior.

Their is no reason for your parents, rest of the family to feel awkward around you or her you are two different people with different lives.

Although I have to ask why is everyone allowing your SIL to behave like this, what are you all afraid off.

To be blunt, even if she could have another child, would it be a good idea? Her current actions do not suggest that she would be a suitable parent.

YANBU. In your shoes though I'd try as hard as possible to keep the connection with my brother. My husband and I spent years going through ivf and thinking we'd never have children. The infertility was on my side and the guilt I felt for putting my husband through so much pain was immense - and that was despite him taking every opportunity to show me/tell me he'd rather be going through it with me than having kids with anyone else.

If she's treating you like this, what is she saying to your brother who can't get her pregnant?

Yanbu. My SIL and I were due to have babies a week apart. Unfortunately I miscarried. Not going to lie I have found it tough going and do get the occasional pang of jealously. But I would never ever raise this with my sil. She has every right to be happy and enjoy her lovely baby. I have no right to ruin that for someone because things didn't work out for me. I also would not want to damage my DH relationship with his sister. So no yanbu.

I was desperate for DC2 more than even DC1 so I can totally understand the longing for DC2 however YANBU at all.

I MC while trying for DC2 when my sister announced her pregnancy and yes I was sad and yes it was shit timing but honestly I was overjoyed for her, would never let her think otherwise either.

Projecting your issues to rain on someone's parade when this is such a happy time for you is an absolute bollocks thing to do, she should be ashamed.

She's deranged. If she suddenly had four more DC she's still find a way of being Chief Sad Person. Sad for your family to have her spoiling everything but not much anyone can do.

Enjoy your pregnancy and new baby.

I have pcos and struggle to conceive. When we were 3 years into trying for our first my sister announced she was going to try for a baby. It hit me like a kick in the guts and I burst into tears! However, I apologised profusely and explained it was just hard as it was something I wanted so much but of course I was happy for her. Infertility is hard, distancing themselves if they are struggling might be sensible, being rude and begrudging others happiness is not!

How has she "destroyed" your brother? By not seeing him and his family?

I'm a bit confused by your post and the vitriol in pps replies - she's told you she has cut some people out and has told you she is sad?

Presumably there is a huge backstory?

YANBU and I have been struggling to have a child for some time now. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think she has not come to terms with using donor sperm. As a couple they are infertile. She may still be very upset about that. This does not excuse her poor behaviour towards you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

YANBU and I can see how she's tiresome, but as others have said, there's no point in engaging with it. Don't feed the drama by entering into a debate about who's destroying whom. If your brother agrees with you that his wife is 'destroying' him, that's really an issue for him to sort out in his marriage. Be upset on your own account, by all means. But your brother's an adult and can presumably stick up for himself and make his own decisions.

Please don't do the goady thing of 'I expect I'll be flamed by infertile people', though. Believe it or not our defective ladyparts don't rob us of the capacity for empathy and rational thought.

YA absolutely NBU. I have friends who have suffered infertility and underwent IVF and other treatments, all the while sharing in the happiness for others. However I have come across people who have been as bitter as your SIL. They sought counselling eventually as even they began to see their own jealousy was irrational and unfair. While it is understandable that certain things may provoke such emotions, it is unreasonable to expect others to put their lives on hold simply because of your personal circumstances.

I have noticed that the way that people react generally has a lot to do with who they are in general (just want to reiterate that I do not mean that they emotions are unreasonable, just the reactions and cruel behaviour). Most people wouldn't dream of making someone feel guilty for having a child, no matter how they felt deep down. It speaks volumes about her character.

YANBU
Infertility is very hard, DH and I did TTC for 4y before succeeding (with help). I have to admit I was jealous, and even if I looked happy for others getting pregnant I wasn't really, it just made me sad
However, I was never mad at them! I wanted children so badly, I could only understand why they wanted them as well!