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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have run out of sympathy for "infertile" SIL

67 replies

Mouthofmisery · 11/09/2016 22:10

My sil has one healthy, intelligent fun child. This was with a sperm donor. Before this she was unable to see people who were pregnant or had children and broke up friendships with many people including my other brother and his family. My brothers no longer have a relationship really as she refuses to see them.
12 years on I have 2 children. Child 1 Has multiple complications due to birth defect and will never live independently. Took us a long time to accept but We have and are very content with our life and her life expectancy. I am now pregnant with 3rd baby. Undergone lots of tests and am being monitored closely. SIL has once again told me I have made her very sad, destroyed my brother and has made what should be a happy occasion for my parents an awkward and difficult situation.
AIBU to think that 1) she has a healthy child and should be bloody grateful for that. 2) it is her destroying my brother as its her reactions which are so unpleasant and isolating for them and 3) to think she should keep her views to herself.! I am really cross but not surprised she said this to me and in the past I would have felt guilty. It's 12 years now!! She needs to learn to accept that life isn't straightforward and nothing is as you want it.
I try to empathise but now I just think grow up and get over it. Some people have no children and some people have problems so unfair and complicated that not being able to have a 2nd child is so
Minimal in the grand scheme of things.
I expect some (infertile) people will flame me but really, everyone has problems, to me where I am being unable to have a 2 no child is not the worst problem in the world. I am out of sympathy.

OP posts:
emilywemily · 11/09/2016 22:52

She sounds like an absolute cunt OP

Memoires · 11/09/2016 22:55

Congratulations, and good luck Flowers

She's a silly mare, just treat her as if she is mad and ignore. Don't let her affect you, she and her issues are irrelevant. It's a shame that your parents are upset by her, natural of course, but please try to infect them with your happiness and lead them by example into a state where they find it easier to rejoice in your children and your family. Maybe one day, you can reconnect with your brothe without her.

5Foot5 · 11/09/2016 22:57

She is seriously self obsessed and is being ridiculous. I say this as someone who was TTC for years and eventually had IVF. Lots of our family and friends were having children then but it never occurred to me to mind. I was happy for them.

It's a shame nobody challenges her on her behaviour and tells her how silly she is being, splitting up a family and putting a damper on what should be a happy event because of her selfishness.

0pti0na1 · 11/09/2016 22:58

I wonder what is behind this. It sounds like she's pretty unhappy and is taking it out on you. Was she always like this?

You say you think this is "worthy of psychiatric help" but if that's the case, it isn't her fault and she'd need support not condemnation.

Bogeyface · 11/09/2016 23:05

She sounds like one of those "its all about me" people mentioned on another thread.

If it wasnt the baby it would be that the OP has a newer car than she does, or went on holiday for 2 weeks and she went for 10 days, there would always have been something that made her and your DB "sad".

I very much doubt that this is actually about infertility at all, but about her not being the centre of the fucking universe.

I agree that asking her, preferably infront of other people, exactly what she would like you to do about it is a good way to go.

Lilacpink40 · 11/09/2016 23:08

YANBU

My STBXH mum regularly spoke about her dead babies when I first met her. I felt awful for her. We all ran around trying to make things better. Then I realised that she'd been getting her own way since before my partner had been born (2 decades before). Roll on almost 2 decades and just before we split she was still bringing them up regularly. Anytime she wanted everyone's pity they were mentioned.

Along the way I had a molar pregnancy (between having DCs). Yes it's hard at the time (lost pregnancy and 6 months of tests to check I didn't have cancerous cells), but it won't make me be horrible to others nor to expect special treatment.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/09/2016 01:27

It's not a crime for her to want more children. All very well saying "but she's had Child" She should be grateful", but I don't doubt you wanted your subsequent children as much as your first. Absolutely i do agree. She has it fantastically compared to those without children who want them
I don't think she's a monster. I think she's genuinely hurting and yearning.

RainbowJack · 12/09/2016 01:40

I don't care about her but it's isolating my brother from his family.

Surely, he's an adult who can make his own decisions?

However, she does sound like a narcissist, thinking the world revolves around her.

LilQueenie · 12/09/2016 02:03

tell her to go get therapy no one can help her but herself. Yes its hard being infertile and I couldn't be in the same room as kids under about a year at one point. That changed after having my child though it is still a little difficult still having fertility issues.

KittyWindbag · 12/09/2016 03:53

She doesn't have the monopoly on Hard Times.

I've been having trouble trying to conceive my first baby, meanwhile, on the family whatsapp, SIL blithely inundates us with pictures of her beautiful healthy baby boy. Sometimes I have to look away.

But I would never dream of treading on her joy. It's not a plus minus thing, where the one takes away from the other. I can both be happy for her and sad for myself. I'm not going to insert my problems into her life.

I have sympathy for your SIL as I'm sure her problems feel very real and immediate to her, no matter how rational we can try to be about it, that's the way it works. But she has no reason to make YOU feel guilty or shitty, and it's unkind of her.

CheerfulYank · 12/09/2016 04:38

I'm sure infertility would be awful, but she can't expect everyone around her to not have children.

PitilessYank · 12/09/2016 05:31

Her feelings are her feelings, but she really should be keeping them under her hat! And I say this as someone with less of a sense of tact than the average person!

I hope that her son doesn't hear her talk about this issue-I think it might make him question himself a bit.

Have a nice pregnancy; congratulations to you.

PitilessYank · 12/09/2016 05:32

Sympathy to everyone dealing with infertility; it is very painful.

MargotLovedTom · 12/09/2016 06:02

Have you talked to your brother about this? Was it he that is infertile (as they used a sperm donor)? Have they tried to have another child?

Obviously she is definitely being unreasonable - just wondering if you could speak to your brother though, as it doesn't seem like the SIL will be amenable.

Penfold007 · 12/09/2016 06:13

Where is your DB in all this? He has a voice and could speak up.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/09/2016 06:38

Penfold007
"Where is your DB in all this? He has a voice and could speak up."

From the small amount in the op, I doubt that he is allowed to speak up.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 12/09/2016 06:40

She sounds awful and narcissistic. Maybe you should just tell her to her face to get over herself and stop being so self obsessed.

Besides, if she can carry a child and presumably she could ovulate as her child was conceived through a sperm donor why couldn't she repeat the exercise if a second child was so important?

HaPPy8 · 12/09/2016 06:43

Why have you put infertile in inverted commas?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2016 06:53

It's shit not to be able to conceive. Dh and I went for IVF in the end and it was successful after a few attempts. We are so blessed. Yes, I understand your Sil wants a second child. I would love to have had a second child. I went through a massive grieving process to accept that I will only ever have one. I had pangs of jealousy when I saw friends and family having more. But that's life. I would never have made their lives hell just because mine hurt. This woman is a self centred drama queen.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I no longer want a second baby (too ill and old) but from time to time still feel the jealous of those, who have two children, and a lot of this is because DD would have been the perfect elder sibling. It's not something easy to come to terms with for her either.

SoupDragon · 12/09/2016 07:16

Why have you put infertile in inverted commas

I assume that she isn't given she had one child through a sperm donor.

ellesbellesxxx · 12/09/2016 07:19

I haven't even got one child (going through IVF) and I think she is being VVVU! She is so lucky to have one child but even so, you can't expect others to have no children to make you feel better!!!
Keep strong op x

SoupDragon · 12/09/2016 07:21

I have bucket loads of sympathy for people who cannot have the children they want. However, your SIL has gone way beyond the point of what should be tolerated, especially given your problems your first child has.

SIL has once again told me I have made her very sad, destroyed my brother and has made what should be a happy occasion for my parents an awkward and difficult situation.

I would be pointing out that it it her that has done all that, no one else.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 12/09/2016 07:24

She's crazy. Like actually a complete narcissistic bitch of the highest order. Who gives a toss about her if she's going to go around behaving like that? Time to stand up to her.

QueenSpartacusOfTheAndals · 12/09/2016 07:24

has made what should be a happy occasion for my parents an awkward and difficult situation.

So OP's parents should be happy at the prospect of another grandchild, yet OP should provide them with this grandchild by somehow not becoming pregnant??

trafalgargal · 12/09/2016 07:25

So she could have another child by sperm donation but she and her husband have chosen not to ?

She's jealous you have a disabled child ?

She jealous your parents are worried about you when they could be spending that time on her and her child ?

Has she ever had any help with her mental health ? What is your brother's response to her batshit behaviour? If he is choosing to enable it then there's really not much you can do except limit contact with her as much as possible. Explain to your parents that her behaviour is upsetting at a time you need to stay balanced and for the sake of the baby you need them to not invite you around when she is there, screen your calls with caller display or an answerphone and simply don't answer her calls and generally keep her at arms length. She won't put you and your baby first so you need to do it for her.

She has made her choice not to have any more children, she could have gone the sperm donation route again or adopted , you are not responsible for her choices and frankly I'd be distancing myself from her before she starts taking out her resentment on my kids in your situation.